I am so stuck and don’t know what to do

[StupidlyStuck]

Hi,
This is long, sorry.
I am married, it will be 10 years this year. DH has a 14 yr old from a previous relationship (DSS) and we have a 7yo DD together. For about 2 years now, I have been so unhappy but I just can’t see a way out.
I have been honest with DH throughout and told him why I am unhappy, the main reasons are:

1. DH is really controlling, I struggle to go anywhere alone except work, and he always pesters and pushes me until I agree with him on anything we don’t agree on (including sex).
2. DSS is so disrespectful to me and our house, and is alienating us from our friends and family because of his behaviour, people don’t want to include us in their arrangements any more because of how hard it is to deal with. DSS has suspected ASD so DH won’t tackle the behaviour because he says it’s not done on purpose, it can’t be helped. The arrangements with DSS’ mum are always made at the last minute so it’s hard to make family plans without knowing if he will be here or not, and DSS’ mum always changes things at the last minute anyway. The most recent one was not allowing DSS to come home for a fortnight because she didn’t feel she could cope with him.
3. I just don’t enjoy our family life - it’s a mixture of the things above. For example, we always, always have to have our meals at a set time, if anything clashes (e.g. recently my poorly Nan needed help urgently), then I’m not allowed to leave as it’s a family mealtime and it’s important to sit down together. When my grandad was dying, I wasn’t allowed to go and see him/the family until we had eaten dinner. DSS had a tantrum so we couldn’t leave for ages, and I missed him, and couldn’t say goodbye. (This was pre-lockdown, btw, I’m just stating it as I think it was the most extreme example of the controlling)

We have had counselling and DH has seen how he can be controlling and has tried to change things but ultimately he just can’t help it, it’s too ingrained and it keeps happening. I am highlighting it when it happens and then he gets all angry with me and makes me feel guilty, and then is physically attached to me for the rest of the day because he “feels insecure about us”. I just don’t like living like this, we’ve not had sex for months because I don’t fancy him any more (because of his behaviour) and I just want to leave. He just says we can’t split because we can’t afford it and he can’t have another marriage split up, meaning he’d be not living with either of his children. I just feel so so stuck. Please tell me this gets better?

The worst thing is that DH is seen as such a good guy by absolutely everyone in our lives. No-one ever sees this side of him apart from his mum (who lived with his dad, who was just the same apparently), and another of our friends saw it accidentally and was absolutely horrified and said that she never realised he could be so pushy and controlling. In his work, it’s a good thing to be stubborn and tenacious but I’m just fed up with it, I cannot live like this.

I'm so sorry you're living like this OP, but please read your post as if someone else had written it and do what you would tell them to do. Sort out your financial position and remove yourself and your child from this unacceptable situation.

Leave him. It’s ok to leave him. You know he won’t change and it’s ok to be happy. Your child will be happier as well you don’t want them growing up seeing this as normal. I know the practicalities will be hard but you can do it

What @MrsExpo said, 100%. I was just about to say the same.
He’s even trying to stop you leaving by saying he doesn’t want to spilt up!

There is always a way out.

If this is how it is now its not going to get any better and it won't get better until you leave him. How can you be helped into leaving this abusive man?.

If you are in the UK I would plan your exit with due diligence and care; he is not going to let go of you that easily. I would contact Womens Aid to seek their further help and you can also contact them online. Alternatively if you can go to Boots the chemist and ask for Ani, the staff will direct you to one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services. I would also consider seeking legal advice asap from a solicitor, as a starting point too the Rights of Women organisation can help.

Re this comment he made to you:-
"He just says we can’t split because we can’t afford it and he can’t have another marriage split up, meaning he’d be not living with either of his children".

Its not up to him to dictate and the common denominator here for his marriages failing is him. You furthermore do not need his permission to leave and he remains controlling towards you. I would think that life for your 7 year old is also very difficult. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here from seeing all this within the home?.

Joint counselling if you did that with your H was always a non starter and is infact not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Such men do not change as you have already seen.

Ok firstly, the fact that 'he cant have another marriage split up' is none of your concern. Leaving him is not a mutual decision, YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION TO LEAVE or, need to consider how he will cope.

Secondly, controlling behaviour like you have described is NOT accidental. He is choosing to abuse you. Yes, abuse.

Who owns the home? You need to see a solicitor about selling up/getting your share if your name is on it. Speak to womens aid for any advice they can give too.

It sounds like he has enslaved you as free childcare for his son. Heaven forbid he has to step up to the plate when you leave. As he friggin should.

Start planning your way out and move fast. Remember - his needs and wants are irrelevant because you decide if you want to stay in a relationship with someone or not. And you dont. So dont.

It is common for people with abusive tendencies to have a very respectable public face, just as fraudsters will engage in public displays of charity. It creates a smokescreen.

It doesn’t get better. He’s refusing to make the necessary changes. That’s on him. Of course he can help it. He’s choosing not to. You leaving is the consequence. It’s a shame this is happening a second time but why didn’t he learn first time round? Don’t sacrifice yourself on his altar.

Abusive people can seem quite plausible to those in the outside world, image to them is all important but its an act they cannot ever hope to maintain. Your friend saw his mask slip and was horrified. I daresay that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about your husband.

Not at all surprised to read that his own father was the same; like father like son. Do not further subject your 7 year child here to his abusive father going forward, there should certainly not be any informal arrangement between you two re access.

You should leave.

I think the child is a step son, not ops child.

Please tell me this gets better?

No, because it won't. I'm sorry to be so blunt

Look at all the efforts you have put in to making things better and look at where you are now, posting on MN. By the time you get to posting on MN you know things are really bad. That's why I wouldn't post in the last few years of my marriage (apart from the fact he told me he could see everything I do) because I didn't want to hear the answers I knew I would get.

You sound like me, very open and honest with him, but nothing changes. Mine was the life and soul of every party (especially his hours long pity parties - held just for me -yawn!), always the good guy to anyone he thought mattered - he was just protecting his precious image. At home he was an awful man much of the time, as yours sounds.

You do not have to stay with him. Stop telling him how you are feeling, start on building yourself up, contact Women's Aid (don't tell him you are doing that, you have to protect yourself in all ways possible), listen to what they say and take it from there.

There is joyful, warming and happy light at the end of the tunnel but there will be a bit of shit to wade through to get there. It'll be worth it though!

You don’t need his permission to split up.

*Ah nm I missed the daughter.

Even more reason to go though op, you can't have a daughter being raised in a home seeing her mum tolerate this bullshit. She will grow up thinking it's normal and end up dating abusive men herself.

Thank you for your replies, and yes, it does help to feel validated and to try and read my own post as if I were a stranger.
With the house, we have about 50k equity in it and currently we have been cutting down the term (increasing the monthly payments) to try and pay it off sooner. I have done the maths and I think that he could take the mortgage on and be fine financially if the term were extended back out to what it was before we cut it down. When we had a theoretical chat about splitting, I suggested this and he said he didn’t want to do that because he wanted to retire early. He’s so difficult to reason with, one minute he says “life’s too short, you can’t spend your life in a situation that makes you unhappy” and says he’ll let me leave and not make it hard for me, but then the minute we talk about practical arrangements, he always finds a way to show why it won’t work, e.g. not extending the mortgage because he finds work really tough and wanted to retire early.
I just feel like I’m ruining his life by either being a miserable wife or talking about leaving and upsetting how comfortable things are for him right now. We’ve both worked really hard and are finally in that stage where we don’t have to pay nursery fees etc, so we are able to save a decent amount each month. I just feel like we’ve waited so long to get here yet I’m still now happy. I can’t describe how I feel, I think the best way to put it is that when DD was little, it was hard work with money and developing my career and managing DSS and the limitations imposed by him and his mum. I told myself to get my head down and get through it and things would definitely be better, more free in 5 years’ time. Now we’re at that point and it doesn’t feel like that at all, apart from money. I still feel so trapped in a toddler’s daily routine and having to make sure that everyone is fed at a certain time and not just being able to pop out for coffee with my mates etc. I’m being accused of having affairs left, right and centre, my phone is constantly checked, when I complain about DSS behaviour I just get told to keep my head down as “we’re nearly there, he’s nearly 16 and then it will be over”...I’m just fed up.

Sorry, that was such a rant. I guess I needed to let it all out

This sounds really silly but I have this weird fantasy: I am skint because I’ve ploughed every last penny into my own house. It’s a shithole and I can’t afford furniture. I see myself sitting cross-legged in an empty room, and that makes me feel so happy, because no matter how shit it is, it’s mine. And I’m free. I told him that and he told me I was mental

@StupidlyStuck are you should he's not more like his son than he thinks;the need for control and routine;the stubbornness,the rigid way of thinking;undiagnosed ASD?

Even if it is ASD you don't need his permission to walk away;it worries me as it sounds as though you're Coerced into sex as well;if you don't want it and your being pushed into it;it's essentially rape.

This marriage is abusive and your unhappy.The only one who's benefitting from this arrangement is your DH;being separated means he has to step up and be a parent to his kids,do his own cooking/cleaning/laundry etc

It's also not your job to prevent him looking bad to his friends and family;I feel for both you and his ex however much of a PIA she is because I'm betting he was probably this way with her too.

And the "we cannot afford to split" is more likely he cannot afford to split as he'll be paying all of his living costs alone and paying two lots of maintenance and that's probably the issue.

Honestly even without the issue of DSS you'd be off without your DH if that's what you want.

This is your life;this is your choice;nobody else's.Please look after yourself and your DD;nobody else matters.

Ranting is all very well but the problems remain. If anyone's life is being ruined here it is both yours and your daughter's. Your stepson is also suffering here and that is also a part of why he is also acting out and he is also being influenced by his dad.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap from a Solicitor re the finances, property and your DD.

You have a choice re this man, these children here do not. Your DD certainly cannot afford to keep on absorbing such crap lessons about relationships from you two. The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

The latest thing from DH is that he thinks he has autism as well and he doesn’t understand social situations so I need to be more understanding with him and realise that it takes so much longer for him to work it out. For example once I got invited on a girls night out with some mutual (female) friends. DH made me message them back and ask form him to be invited, but the reply was “no, it’s girls night”. It took about 2 hours of discussion and intervention from one of the other girls too for DH to realise he wasn’t invited and it wasn’t going to be enjoyable for the others if he crashed girls night. He kept saying “they’re my friends too and the boys never organise anything, why does it have to be gender specific”. It was only after the other girl messaged him that he backed down. His excuse was that his autism meant he didn’t realise that “girls night” meant girls only. I pointed out he knew from the start, hence his “gender specific” comments but he was adamant that his autism stopped him from realising this was the case and it wasn’t made clear that “girls night” means “girls night”. It’s absolutely ridiculous and exhausting and DSS is turning out to be the same. I just want to disappear and not exist any more.

I told him that and he told me I was mental

Of course he would say that! He gets his validation from controlling you! The worst thing that could happen to him is you leaving- NOT because he loves you but because he needs someone to boss around.

Yes the sex thing is rubbish. I have said that I don’t fancy him and I don’t want it, but his reply is “but it’s really important to me that we have sex”. So there’s no compromise. He pesters and pesters and says he’s horny and he can’t make it go away. He won’t let me sleep in a separate bed but then says it’s because I’m next to him that he gets horny. The only reason we’ve not done it for a while now is because I told all of this to the counsellor who basically told DH to back off entirely. But I knew it wouldn’t last, he is pestering again now

The thing is, financially I think we would be ok. We both earn quite good money and I wouldn’t ask for any maintenance from him. I am really tempted to just walk away from the house and sign it over to him, to allow him to be able to manage it alone. I have got some money saved up and my wage would be enough to rent somewhere or even get a mortgage (at a stretch) without taking any of the assets we have together. It would be much harder, but he just wants to keep it comfortable like it is now

You don't like him, you don't fancy him, you don't enjoy sex with him, you don't enjoy family life with him, he controls absolutely everything you do, you can't get out of the house even without a 2 hour argument.

What do you think you should do?

Do that then.

Your dd needs protecting from this toxic environment for starters.

You deserve your freedom from this emotionally abusive man (and yes it is abuse when someone controls what you do, when you eat, where you go, and makes life hard if you don't comply).

Just leave, you know that's the solution. Your husband's autism (if he has it), his step son, his retirement, his need to have sex with you even when you don't want it - that's all HIS problem.

You need to leave him and not look back. You will literally cry happy tears when you get your freedom even if you aren't wealthy.

I feel so stupid as this has always been there. In the early days when I got together with him, I questioned the rigidity of routines with DSS, e.g. if we were at someone’s house and it hit what would normally be bathtime, DH would demand that DSS be put into the bath at that person’s house, so that the routine wasn’t messed up that day. It was so embarrassing and I think at the time I put it down to guilt from having left his ex and wanting to do the best by DSS by maintaining the routine. Whenever I said I thought the routine was too much, the answer I got was “this is how it is if you want to be with me” and not knowing any better, I just thought this was him doing the best he could for DSS and went along with it. I accidentally got pregnant after about a year of being together and he told me I had to have an abortion otherwise he would leave me, there was no way he could tell his ex I was pregnant, so I did because I didn’t think I could do it without him. I regret that every day now.
My biggest mistake is letting it go on for so long, he is really hurt and feels like it’s an attack on him and his personality and can’t understand why it’s only just become a problem for me. I think the answer to that is that firstly it got much worse in lockdown (timing my exercise out of the house, checking my routes etc, not letting me visit the supermarket if it clashed with mealtimes) and secondly the extended period with us both being at home has meant I’m more exposed to it. Normally we would be out of the house every day, and most nights doing separate hobbies so our time around each other has increased loads.

He sounds very controlling and over bearing OP.

But I’m regards to the sex thing if I were to be devils advocate can’t you see how being denied sex constantly could be deflating and affect his self esteem and his feeling of ‘closeness’ to you. You see a lot of women on here say that a dead bedroom situation is soul destroying so I’m not surprised it bothers him.

personally I think if there’s no intimacy or respect you should just leave. You’re both clearly not interested in making the other happy.