I am so stuck and don’t know what to do

[StupidlyStuck]

Hi,
This is long, sorry.
I am married, it will be 10 years this year. DH has a 14 yr old from a previous relationship (DSS) and we have a 7yo DD together. For about 2 years now, I have been so unhappy but I just can’t see a way out.
I have been honest with DH throughout and told him why I am unhappy, the main reasons are:

1. DH is really controlling, I struggle to go anywhere alone except work, and he always pesters and pushes me until I agree with him on anything we don’t agree on (including sex).
2. DSS is so disrespectful to me and our house, and is alienating us from our friends and family because of his behaviour, people don’t want to include us in their arrangements any more because of how hard it is to deal with. DSS has suspected ASD so DH won’t tackle the behaviour because he says it’s not done on purpose, it can’t be helped. The arrangements with DSS’ mum are always made at the last minute so it’s hard to make family plans without knowing if he will be here or not, and DSS’ mum always changes things at the last minute anyway. The most recent one was not allowing DSS to come home for a fortnight because she didn’t feel she could cope with him.
3. I just don’t enjoy our family life - it’s a mixture of the things above. For example, we always, always have to have our meals at a set time, if anything clashes (e.g. recently my poorly Nan needed help urgently), then I’m not allowed to leave as it’s a family mealtime and it’s important to sit down together. When my grandad was dying, I wasn’t allowed to go and see him/the family until we had eaten dinner. DSS had a tantrum so we couldn’t leave for ages, and I missed him, and couldn’t say goodbye. (This was pre-lockdown, btw, I’m just stating it as I think it was the most extreme example of the controlling)

We have had counselling and DH has seen how he can be controlling and has tried to change things but ultimately he just can’t help it, it’s too ingrained and it keeps happening. I am highlighting it when it happens and then he gets all angry with me and makes me feel guilty, and then is physically attached to me for the rest of the day because he “feels insecure about us”. I just don’t like living like this, we’ve not had sex for months because I don’t fancy him any more (because of his behaviour) and I just want to leave. He just says we can’t split because we can’t afford it and he can’t have another marriage split up, meaning he’d be not living with either of his children. I just feel so so stuck. Please tell me this gets better?

@StupidlyStuck

The latest thing is that DH wants to mark our 10 year anniversary this summer with something special. I’m dreading it, it makes me feel so sick to celebrate something so shit and I don’t want to give him the wrong idea by going along with it. I just don’t know what to do

Leave. As soon as you can! You know you can, you know even if you sat in a shitty little bedsit and had nothing but a cardboard box to sit on you'd be happier than you are now. And you won't, things will work out much better than that. Especially over time.

My mum felt the way you do now, as her golden wedding anniversary approached. That was now 18 years ago and my dad is still making her life a misery and I still worry about her every.single.day.

This is one of the worst posts I have read on MN.
Your H is horrendous and you're life must be a living nightmare.
Some of the instances you have written here are absolutely shocking.
I agree with pp that you don't need his permission to leave, get your ducks in a row, find somewhere to go and leave when he's at work.
Ring women's aid for help and advice.
You will survive, it may seem impossible but you will make it on your own.
Get out then ring a solicitor, get what's due to you, don't give his early retirement a second thought, you have a child to support.
Give us an update but please make a plan to leave.

This sounds really silly but I have this weird fantasy: I am skint because I’ve ploughed every last penny into my own house. It’s a shithole and I can’t afford furniture. I see myself sitting cross-legged in an empty room, and that makes me feel so happy, because no matter how shit it is, it’s mine. And I’m free. I told him that and he told me I was mental

Yes. I was in that exact place too and I wondered if I would ever have my dream. I sometimes mentally revisit my old self and tell her she made it!

I have bought a place now but the first step was an empty rented place. When I picked up the keys the DC were at school. I bought myself a cream cake and a coffee, went into the empty flat, sat on the floor and was the happiest I had been for years.

As PPs say, get a good lawyer - look for one who deals in family disputes and has a record of supporting women - and get what you are owed, as it will help enormously. Don't feel bad – he owes you, in the eyes of the law, not just for being a bastard.

There's no need to talk to him about this, hoping it will get him to see he's a shit. He won't, and telling you your mental is just more crap. Leave him out of it, and focus on making it happen.

Do you think he might want to split once the mortgage is paid off? And retire early thanks to your hard work?

@DasPepe no I think splitting is the last thing he wants, it’s definitely not just about the money

Please don't walk away with nothing! Why would you do that?

Take what's yours and go

@MrsExpo

I'm so sorry you're living like this OP, but please read your post as if someone else had written it and do what you would tell them to do. Sort out your financial position and remove yourself and your child from this unacceptable situation.

I'll second this. Maybe even try and read it through your DD's eyes. If she was in your position, what would your advice be?

I am so sorry, OP. You are being abused but there is a way out, I promise! Lots of amazing organisations are able to help. Please, do it. You deserve to be loved, trusted and have a nice life.

Aargh I got rid of my post by mistake, but what a controlling arsehole. He could help it, he just chooses not to. Also a sex pest.

Start the split before the anniversary.

the atmosphere it creates is just horrible and I can’t go out of the house and leave my daughter in that kind of situation. He would just be awful to her mentally and that’s not fair on her.

He is damaging her too then, or will at some point in future. All the more reason to leave ASAP.

There is absolutely nothing in this relationship for you. The sooner you leave the better. You and your dd would only need a small property - you can manage this.

@StupidlyStuck I have often thought my dh may be autistic too, for all of the reasons already mentioned here. You say that your dh will have two failed marriages, so it's not you, it's him! My dh says he's fallen out with every single member of his family at one time or another, and I can tell you now, they're all lovely people and I know it won't have been their fault, it's entirely him! I wish I'd said this the last time he mentioned it, but I never think quickly enough at the time. I feel like all the problems we have in our marriage are my fault, but it's what I've been conditioned to think, it's not actually the case. You can live a better life, you know you can do it, you are not stuck like this forever. I'm hoping to listen to my own advice one day

@StupidlyStuck I meant to say, our anniversary is coming too, and I'm also dreading it. I keep setting milestones to be gone by, but have so far missed my birthday, valentines day, anniversary is coming....... I can't keep doing these false celebrations. When our 10th anniversary was coming up, there was something on telly about other coming up to their 10th and renewing their vows. I had to get up and walk away. In a way, I wish he would suggest it, and I would have to say sorry I can't do it x

I think you need to stop talking to him about the relationship as though he's a friend. He's not going to agree with you or validate your feelings, I'm afraid. He's the wrong person to be talking to about all this.

Do you have someone in real life you can talk to? Please do think about ringing Women's Aid. Just tell them what you've told us, they will listen and talk you through your options.

have often thought my dh may be autistic too, for all of the reasons already mentioned here.

@Wakingup55643 I have autistic traits but I imagine you won't find many women with autism who act like this. It's male entitlement that makes men think they can act this way.

I hope you and @StupidlyStuck find ways to leave soon. x

Leave before the anniversary. You're ok financially, protect yourself and your DD. She can't enjoy being exposed to this either. It isn't written anywhere that you have to sacrifice your happiness for his. He is abusing you, not letting you say goodbye to your grandad is so sad. So sorry for your loss. Were you given space to grieve?

Find your anger and get out

@EddieIzzard that is really good advice - find your anger. I hide mine completely. I keep it all in, and it only hurts me, nobody else knows. I go out of the way to cry, I walk away from feeling rage swearing under my breath, and everyone thinks I'm fine. I don't know how to let it out, but yes, good advice.

But splitting up is a choice you can make OP all of the things you say about him not wanting to do that - it isnt his choice.

What happens if you push back?

@Eddielzzard he just said something like we wouldn’t have got round in time anyway (we absolutely would have done) and just said that there was no way we could have got there earlier. My family were really disappointed in me, that I prioritised a meal over my grandad, and I wasn’t allowed to say that it wasn’t my choice because DH always says that I make him look bad when I say stuff like that. I tend to just accept the blame from others rather than wind DH up by saying what really happened because otherwise he goes nuts and checks all my messages before I can send them etc, if he thinks I’m making him look bad in front of other people. When I point out that it’s the truth he just says that I’ve interpreted it wrongly and I need to be really careful about what kind of image of him I project to other people. This is partly why I have very few friends, over the years they have just decided I’m a bit weird

@Quartz2208 I just get told off, not shouty or violent, just going over the same thing again and again, dissecting everything that has happened and not believing me when I recount things. It’s just exhausting and I can’t keep doing it.

So like a child.

I think you do need to get out and find somewhere to rent and start the process of sorting out the house. That is your choice he has to deal with it. He cant keep you prisoner

It seems from what you're saying that.... he's got such a hold over you that when he tells you something you believe it. You come away from the situation, such as thinking it through on Mumsnet and then you realise he's not being logical, that you are in fact, a sane person and deserve so much more. If you've got nothing holding you back, not even finances stopping you leaving, then I would go if I were you. Someone I know is in a very similar situation to you but she can't as she hasn't the finances to leave and no support. She's desperate to leave. It made me sad for her when I read your post.

It sounds beyond utterly miserable.

I think your H absolutely knows he is being controlling and unreasonable and lying his backside off about it being due to his undiagnosed autism.

Jesus christ, what the actual fuck are you still doing there? This is so sad and depressing. You need to leave, and without telling him first. It will be shit and scary at first, but honestly you will feel so so so much better in no time at all. This is no way to live. The sooner you get out the more chance of limiting the long term damage being inflicted on your daughter in this toxic controlling environment.

You can leave. Get your ducks in a row. And leave.

There are many women who are genuinely stuck with awful men like this, but you’re not one of them.

You just need to get out of your own way.