I am so stuck and don’t know what to do

[StupidlyStuck]

Hi,
This is long, sorry.
I am married, it will be 10 years this year. DH has a 14 yr old from a previous relationship (DSS) and we have a 7yo DD together. For about 2 years now, I have been so unhappy but I just can’t see a way out.
I have been honest with DH throughout and told him why I am unhappy, the main reasons are:

1. DH is really controlling, I struggle to go anywhere alone except work, and he always pesters and pushes me until I agree with him on anything we don’t agree on (including sex).
2. DSS is so disrespectful to me and our house, and is alienating us from our friends and family because of his behaviour, people don’t want to include us in their arrangements any more because of how hard it is to deal with. DSS has suspected ASD so DH won’t tackle the behaviour because he says it’s not done on purpose, it can’t be helped. The arrangements with DSS’ mum are always made at the last minute so it’s hard to make family plans without knowing if he will be here or not, and DSS’ mum always changes things at the last minute anyway. The most recent one was not allowing DSS to come home for a fortnight because she didn’t feel she could cope with him.
3. I just don’t enjoy our family life - it’s a mixture of the things above. For example, we always, always have to have our meals at a set time, if anything clashes (e.g. recently my poorly Nan needed help urgently), then I’m not allowed to leave as it’s a family mealtime and it’s important to sit down together. When my grandad was dying, I wasn’t allowed to go and see him/the family until we had eaten dinner. DSS had a tantrum so we couldn’t leave for ages, and I missed him, and couldn’t say goodbye. (This was pre-lockdown, btw, I’m just stating it as I think it was the most extreme example of the controlling)

We have had counselling and DH has seen how he can be controlling and has tried to change things but ultimately he just can’t help it, it’s too ingrained and it keeps happening. I am highlighting it when it happens and then he gets all angry with me and makes me feel guilty, and then is physically attached to me for the rest of the day because he “feels insecure about us”. I just don’t like living like this, we’ve not had sex for months because I don’t fancy him any more (because of his behaviour) and I just want to leave. He just says we can’t split because we can’t afford it and he can’t have another marriage split up, meaning he’d be not living with either of his children. I just feel so so stuck. Please tell me this gets better?

You are not stuck. You're in a mental prison, but that is of your own making. See a lawyer and leave. It is wrong and damaging to raise your child in that environment.

No excuses. Do what you know you need to do.

I really feel for you but why on earth are you letting this man treat you this way? Why are you letting him dictate your life and even allow him to insist on eating a meal over saying goodbye to your grand dad?

You need to leave and stop allowing this. Only you can choose this and by the sounds of things it’s the absolute only option you really have unless you’re happy to hand over your life to a man that does not prioritise you or your child.

WTAF were your so called friends doing conspiring with him?? Tell him it is over and give him the option to buy you out of the house or put it on the market. Move into spare room if you have one.

Oh OP you must, must, must leave this man as quickly as you can. Start looking for somewhere to live right now on your phone. Tomorrow morning, make an appointment with a solicitor. As soon as you have a chance, take photos / make copies of important documents. Tell your family your plans and get them to help you move. Then just go.

Imagine being able to go to the shops whenever you like, imagine not having to deal with DSS, imagine having the bed to yourself, imagine building a new circle of friends, imagine being free. You can have this, you and your DD deserve it.

You may find your friends backed off because they don't like your husband!! Loads of my friends have admitted they really disliked my husband now we're split up.
He sounds hideous.
You absolutely DO NOT need his agreement to split up.

[quote StupidlyStuck]@Eddielzzard he just said something like we wouldn’t have got round in time anyway (we absolutely would have done) and just said that there was no way we could have got there earlier. My family were really disappointed in me, that I prioritised a meal over my grandad, and I wasn’t allowed to say that it wasn’t my choice because DH always says that I make him look bad when I say stuff like that. I tend to just accept the blame from others rather than wind DH up by saying what really happened because otherwise he goes nuts and checks all my messages before I can send them etc, if he thinks I’m making him look bad in front of other people. When I point out that it’s the truth he just says that I’ve interpreted it wrongly and I need to be really careful about what kind of image of him I project to other people. This is partly why I have very few friends, over the years they have just decided I’m a bit weird [/quote]
This is terrifying
You have been completely brain washed
Please contact Womens Aid & get yourself free of this monster

Do your family live close enough that you could travel to your job if you stayed with them?

You need to tell your family the truth of what is going on.

Just leave.

I feel so sorry for you and your daughter.

I’ve not read the whole thread, just the first post, and a few others comments, but I felt moved to reply.

It sounds horrific.

He stopped you from saying a final goodbye to your grandad, due to some protracted mealtime? That’s heartbreaking, and monstrous.

That fantasy you have of being alone in a room with no furniture? Go for it. For your sake and your daughter’s.

Your H sounds like a bullying, controlling, manipulative, conjugally raping arsehole. Yes, there are two sides to every story, but if what you say is a genuine reflection of YOUR experience of him, it doesn’t matter who he really is.

Take a deep breath, get clever, and prepare to leave. Your future can only get better, because guess what? It will be yours.

Reading some of your other posts now.

I’ve never been in your shoes, so I can’t understand what you are going through. You are in a very vulnerable situation, please be gentle to yourself, and your own best friend.

What I would want to urge, is to not let the momentum of coming here to ask for help fade away without action. Your marriage sounds awful.

But I can see that what you need most of all is to recover your own agency: slowly, gently, in your own time? In that case, well meaning advice from horrified strangers telling you what to do is maybe not constructive. Well done for coming here. Think it all out for yourself, and your dear daughter... whatever you decide, I’m sure you’ll find support, here and elsewhere.

I was thinking last night “if I ran away, who would help me”

Women's Aid. Please think about phoning them, as soon as you can. This is only going to get worse

This has been so sad to read, it made me feel all hot and panicky.
Please believe you are worthy and deserve happiness in your life. You have been so worn down it's like the real you doesn't exist - you've been brainwashed and so down trodden, you're just there as his slave.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandad. Please confide in your family the truth and don't be embarrassed.

A big mistake you're making is discussing your plans with him. He does not have your best interests at heart and will no doubt become dangerous if he knows you are serious about leaving.

No more discussions about leaving. He is not your master, you DON'T need his permission! Quietly make your plans by taking on the suggestions here. Calling Womens Aid, seeking a solicitor.

Do it for your daughter as well. Imagine the 2 of you, in that place you described. Free to do as you wish, no longer under his control. Coming and going as you please. Laughing with your DD, morning cuddles in bed watching TV.

You have the means to escape this hellish prison, I really hope you can gather the strength to take action. Best wishes x