I am so stuck and don’t know what to do

[StupidlyStuck]

Hi,
This is long, sorry.
I am married, it will be 10 years this year. DH has a 14 yr old from a previous relationship (DSS) and we have a 7yo DD together. For about 2 years now, I have been so unhappy but I just can’t see a way out.
I have been honest with DH throughout and told him why I am unhappy, the main reasons are:

1. DH is really controlling, I struggle to go anywhere alone except work, and he always pesters and pushes me until I agree with him on anything we don’t agree on (including sex).
2. DSS is so disrespectful to me and our house, and is alienating us from our friends and family because of his behaviour, people don’t want to include us in their arrangements any more because of how hard it is to deal with. DSS has suspected ASD so DH won’t tackle the behaviour because he says it’s not done on purpose, it can’t be helped. The arrangements with DSS’ mum are always made at the last minute so it’s hard to make family plans without knowing if he will be here or not, and DSS’ mum always changes things at the last minute anyway. The most recent one was not allowing DSS to come home for a fortnight because she didn’t feel she could cope with him.
3. I just don’t enjoy our family life - it’s a mixture of the things above. For example, we always, always have to have our meals at a set time, if anything clashes (e.g. recently my poorly Nan needed help urgently), then I’m not allowed to leave as it’s a family mealtime and it’s important to sit down together. When my grandad was dying, I wasn’t allowed to go and see him/the family until we had eaten dinner. DSS had a tantrum so we couldn’t leave for ages, and I missed him, and couldn’t say goodbye. (This was pre-lockdown, btw, I’m just stating it as I think it was the most extreme example of the controlling)

We have had counselling and DH has seen how he can be controlling and has tried to change things but ultimately he just can’t help it, it’s too ingrained and it keeps happening. I am highlighting it when it happens and then he gets all angry with me and makes me feel guilty, and then is physically attached to me for the rest of the day because he “feels insecure about us”. I just don’t like living like this, we’ve not had sex for months because I don’t fancy him any more (because of his behaviour) and I just want to leave. He just says we can’t split because we can’t afford it and he can’t have another marriage split up, meaning he’d be not living with either of his children. I just feel so so stuck. Please tell me this gets better?

You don't need to tell him how you feel anymore in an attempt to get him to see your point of view or to change. There's no need to tell him you are fantasising about your own place.

It's time to start thinking of yourself as separate to him. Stop sharing your feelings. Start thinking about practical steps towards leaving and break it down into what feels manageable.

*in regards

I just feel like I’m ruining his life

His job here is done. He is like all abusers - trying to make you take responsibility for his failings.

The autism thing - that's another 'it's not my fault, I've got a condition'.

Calling you mental - again, all abusers will do their best to make you think you are the one with the problem. You're not, it's him. He is abusive and he knows it. He'll keep coming up with differing excuses, reasons, call them what you will, he's just finding excuses so he can keep abusing you.

The sex thing - please contact WA. This man is down right abusive and you need to get away from him. I'm not keen on telling people what to do, it has to be your decision, but he will only increase his abuse until you're even more broken than you are already. Or worse.

It's hard to take that first step but it will probably be the most important thing you ever do

This is no way to live. Please leave. There is no excuse for your husbands controlling behaviour. He is using the autism thing to control you. He knows it. You know it.

I think the thing that might make you shift on this is envisaging the future. How do you think it will be when your husband retires and is around the home more?

You can't depend on hobbies and work to basically avoid him.

He has enmeshed you to such an extent you feel it's your fault he's horrible to you.

The question is- are you going to go on sacrificing your life, and then your dd's life (as she will get caught up in his rigidity and regimes and controlling ways) or are you going to have a nicer life and a nicer future for yourself?

You are now at the end of your rope I think. Since you have been very vocal and have had counselling and he still hasn’t changed its time to get ducks in a row. Don’t feel too guilty about his life being upended, he would think nothing of doing the same to you-in fact he already does.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Would you want your DD to be in a relationship like this as an adult; of course not. Its not a good enough relationship for you either, what are you getting out of this?.

Clearly you need to leave.

Blimey a marriage is supposed to be fun and enjoyable! Your marriage sounds awful. He won't change therefore you have to make the decision to leave, otherwise this will still be your life in 20 years!

The latest thing is that DH wants to mark our 10 year anniversary this summer with something special. I’m dreading it, it makes me feel so sick to celebrate something so shit and I don’t want to give him the wrong idea by going along with it. I just don’t know what to do

Oh, my. He seems to autistic me to be very autistic. You won't change him.

You are being controlled, coerced sexually and your life is a misery. It is definitely abuse.

You aren't ruining his life, he's ruining yours. You and your dd need a calm, peaceful, unstressed environment in which to thrive. You can't have that with him because he's a complete and abusive cunt.

You don't have to explain to him or justify your reasons for wanting out. It's enough just to want out.

You aren't stupid, by the way. You're the victim of abuse and you're about to reach the status of survivor.

So now, are you safe-ish at the moment, have you anywhere to go, and can you get away?

Talk to a solicitor (ideally before he knows you're leaving) about the financial side. This is no time to be kind. Shark mode. Get everything you can, it's a long life ahead and you have a child. Every little helps.

I notice upthread someone suggests he's being 'denied sex constantly'. Women don't 'deny sex' to me they love, who are kind to them, with whom they have a close emotional bond. And women suffer when they do have sex with men who don't love them. You'll probably have experienced it - it's dehumanising and another weapon in his armoury of control.

Have you made that solicitor's appointment yet? Keep quiet but make your plans. Good luck.

Don't dread the anniversary. What's the date? Be out by then.

"I just don’t know what to do"

Yes you do. Just leave.

Who cares if you're "ruining his life"? You're seriously not.

You need to leave, you need to get copies of all the important paperwork, bank, savings, pensions, pay slips & leave them somewhere safe, (with a friend/at work/parent.
make an aptmt with a SHL & file for divorce asap.
Your child is being abused too. What kind of example is he giving?
Do not hand him the equity on the house, You are starting again & he is responsible.
Feel no guilt. he is emotionally & sexually abusing you.
Get yourself as far away from him as possible, find a flat near your support group/family. & Go.
Be happy

I would mark your anniversary by having started divorce proceeding. Don’t be brow beaten by him, you need to put your welfare and by extension that of your DC, first.

Is your DH so rigid at work? Does he have to have his breaks at fixed times. If so, given what you have said, I would say autism. What would happen if you said 'you can eat now but I'm going to do xyz and eat later'? Also, although people with autism can be extremely rigid and really struggle to understand others' points of view, that does not give them the right to control you. I think the relationship is over. It might be easier if his son gets a diagnosis and support but it seems to be your DH who is the problem, not just his son.

Op if the fear of staying is worse than fear of leaving then you should leave. End of discussion.
Ducks in a row and do it. You do not need his permission just go. Free cycle for all furniture etc in the short time.
You will be okay

OP everything about this controlling man fits the classic abuser profile, right down to most people thinking he's great. And it doesn't get better, it almost always gets worse – sticking it out will not help you. It's good that you've stood up to it and that you don't have sex with him that you don't want. You can take the next step to leave.

(In fact it sounds as if he may meet the criteria for coercive control, which is illegal. see here)

He's had two marriages break down because of him - it's not your problem.

It's also great that there are people who understand, including his own mum, and your friend. I'd turn to them for support and say you need to leave. Is his mum in a position to help with your DD?

I know how hard it is to find the courage to leave - my ex wasn't this controlling, but shitty in other ways and everyone thought he was the dog's bollocks. I did it and you can too. let people help you, and keep posting here for support too.

As everyone else is saying. Please leave for your own happiness and your daughter. My ex was similar and I desperately wish I had left when my daughter was younger as it has had a big effect on her personality and her mental health. (I waited until she was 14).

Also, please please don't walk away and sign everything over to him or not ask for maintenance! You have to secure your and your daughters future and this will be your only chance. Fight for what you both deserve. Xx

(Also do you know the exW is responsible for all the chopping and changing etc. or does that info come via him? She might be someone who could understand and support you too.)

@StupidlyStuck

This sounds really silly but I have this weird fantasy: I am skint because I’ve ploughed every last penny into my own house. It’s a shithole and I can’t afford furniture. I see myself sitting cross-legged in an empty room, and that makes me feel so happy, because no matter how shit it is, it’s mine. And I’m free. I told him that and he told me I was mental

I've got this!

I've been really ill (mentally) for years and my house is falling apart. I'm just beginning to recover and pick up the threads of a 'normal' life. But...
I own my house. When the husband and I split (dd was four), I got a tiny mortgage on a little terraced house. I hadn't worked since I was pregnant. I trained, got a job, added to the mortgage over the years, ended up broken in health (you take more care of yourself, please!) but with a home of my own and a tiny pension. So now, I'm emptying the house to renovate, slowly, slowly. I have empty rooms (yay! I got rid of all the shit I'd accumulated over years) and it's true, you really can be happy with very little, if you don't have anyone making your life miserable.
Don't tell him anything else. He's not entitled to your hopes and dreams. He's not entitled to your future. You've started, you're on your way.

@StupidlyStuck

The thing is, financially I think we would be ok. We both earn quite good money and I wouldn’t ask for any maintenance from him. I am really tempted to just walk away from the house and sign it over to him, to allow him to be able to manage it alone. I have got some money saved up and my wage would be enough to rent somewhere or even get a mortgage (at a stretch) without taking any of the assets we have together. It would be much harder, but he just wants to keep it comfortable like it is now

Do not do this.

I completely understand that right now it seems like an easy way out, but you need to do what is right for you Dd.

You need to contact women’s aid and look at the freedom program.

But you also need to find yourself a good family lawyer. Taking your share out of the house, coupled with your savings, should be enough to get you comfortably on the property ladder and this will be much cheaper in the long run and give security to you and your dd.

Him wanting to retire early has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is not a reason to stay, and is certainly not a reason to walk away with less than you deserve.

@Spanglemum his breaks are all at a set time at work, I don’t want to be too outing but it’s the kind of job where he doesn’t get a choice over hours and break time etc, it’s all set in advance. Sometimes it has to change for a period of time because of external factors and again that’s not something he can change and that is something he finds hard, when it’s different to normal.
I have tried saying I’ll just go out anyway at mealtimes but the atmosphere it creates is just horrible and I can’t go out of the house and leave my daughter in that kind of situation. He would just be awful to her mentally and that’s not fair on her.
I don’t really have any friends I can count on, they are all mutual friends with me and DH, and have been involved in a horrible situation recently where they have been in touch with DH, trying to gather evidence to prove I’m having an affair so I cannot trust any of them any more. I was thinking last night “if I ran away, who would help me” and it was really only family, not friends

Oh,OP I want to give you a hug! My adult child has severe special needs (cannot walk independently,speak,care for himself) but we still enforce expected behavior and try to mimic how we want him to behave-he is loved and liked outside our home because we know what he can or cannot control if you see what I mean. He still drives us crazy with perseveration due to his issues but I couldn't live with myself if we just let him get away with naughty behavior!
I sincerely hope you can get away from your husband soon and can live a good and peaceful life

@WindyPudding it is the ex, she rings and changes things while DSS is with us and I hear the conversation. It is DH who is not great at organising dates in advance though, sometimes we get to the start of school holidays and we don’t know what we’re even doing the next day so it’s hard to arrange anything in advance. To be fair though, he is probably reluctant to organise things because they get changed anyway. It just feels like my life is controlled so much by this, I have asked that they have set days and stick to them but nope, that’s not possible apparently.