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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did you get over your divorce/break up?

102 replies

Londono · 29/03/2021 18:29

I instigated the divorce but I am still desperately sad that it has come to this. He hasn't moved out yet but he is moving out this weekend. We will share our primary aged children's time.

I work full time and have lots of lovely friends, many of them don't live locally anymore which is a shame and can mean that when I unexpectedly feel my lowest I don't have anyone locally I can just drop in and see. My local friends are the kind I can see for scheduled meet ups.

So what helped you? I already have weight to loss/fitness to improve which I know will help me physically and mentally but other real life tips would be great.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 29/03/2021 18:32

Can't offer advice but I am in the exact same situation
He is moving out this weekend
I know it has to end but I'm still sad and angry about the nice life we could have had

feeficken · 29/03/2021 21:17

Currently living the same situation with my DW. We’re not getting divorced Hmm she is currently seeing OM that she is ending the marriage for. I am devastated but I’ve found walking helps a lot and reading, I’m also trying to look forward and think about what I want my life to look like when she eventually moves out.

cookiemonster5 · 29/03/2021 21:23

What helped me was realising I didn't marry the person I was divorcing. He lied so much about himself and kept deceiving me throughout the marriage I didn't recognise who he was at the end. I was able to switch off my feelings once I came to that realisation and haven't looked back.

My situation is a bit unique in that respect. In the beginning I just took it day by day. Or even 5 minutes by 5 minutes. Don't look too far ahead. Focus on the one task you have in front of you and when that is done then allow yourself to think of the next. Get through each day anyway you can until one day you realise that it's gotten easier.

Savoretti · 29/03/2021 21:28

Running helped me a lot. The tears would flow while I was running along then I would feel so much better when I got home.
Also therapy - just someone to listen to me once a week
As a PP said, one step at a time. Don’t think about the future, break everything up into days or hours
Each day will get easier Smile

BobbinThreadbare123 · 29/03/2021 21:30

I absolutely threw myself into my job. We had no kids so once he'd gone and we'd finished communication about the divorce, I've never had to see, speak to or know about him ever again. I did a bit of OLD, half-heartedly tbh.

Livandme · 29/03/2021 21:36

My dog.
I walk for miles and miles with her
I have to go out even when I don't want to.
She's awesome, she knows me better than h ever could 😂

TitaniumTess · 29/03/2021 22:03

Same here. Long term relationship, lived together. One child. He's moving out for my sanity as he's not been nice to live with but I worry about sharing our son access-wise and also what the future holds.

Some good advice on here. Exercise has got to help hasn't it? I will write a diary again I think once the person who used to read them has gone. That always made me feel better x

MorningNinja · 29/03/2021 22:05

Exercise helped but the biggest thing was just being at home, just me and the DCs without my ex...it was bliss.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/03/2021 22:09

I'm so sorry OP it's a horrible thing to go through.
My husband of 20 years just left with no warning at all and the next thing the divorce papers dropped through the letterbox. I was seriously ill at the time.
I had to go onto antidepressants to cope and some years later I'm still on them.
The only thing that really helped was time, after the initial loss I realised I was better off without this man and gradually it all became easier.
No pint in what ifs and the life we could have had, it hasn't happened. Its time to look after yourself now and carve a future out for you.

Faith50 · 29/03/2021 22:24

Bobbinthreadbare
Having dc together means you are tied in some way to the spouse and there will never be a clean break even with the dc are adults. Weddings, christening, celebrations and get togethers means your spouse will never truly be gone from your life.

Ardvark111 · 29/03/2021 22:31

@feeficken I don't understand why your not getting a divorce,? When you have clear grounds, so your just going to stay in a non existent marriage which is dead in the water... or are you hoping she will return to you,? Maybe she will ,? and maybe she will repeat her current actions with a different man again ,? I understand it's a expensive and upsetting experience but surely the longer this stays the same the deeper and more prolonged the hurt will be.? Good luck on what you choose for your future

Freetodowhatiwant · 29/03/2021 22:35

DH and i separated last year after 20 years and also both moved to a new town (same town, now living ten minutes walk away from each other). The split was my doing too but it still makes me very sad. I miss him and we are trying to be amicable but he is still angry and upset as he didn’t want to separate. No one else was involved I had just had enough if someone of his behaviour. In a new town it’s been hard getting to know people due to the pandemic so sometimes I am lacking in things to do. But what I try to do is layer on the nice stuff. Try to see as many people as possible and do what makes me feel good. Just keep layering on nice new memories abd good times as much as possible.

Isitreally17777 · 29/03/2021 23:01

I was in the same situation, my friends weren't local and also his friends. I kept myself busy. I still have my down days 3 years later. I got engaged 8 years ago yesterday for example (thanks Facebook for the reminder) and next month it is 18 years since we met, I have been dabbling in online dating and that has been a mess (he was nice but a mess and not ready) so I was doubly down recently(2 weeks of crying every day). We get on well but I still miss him and I'm lonely even though I have some great friends.

Time is a great healer though.

Bedtimedear · 29/03/2021 23:14

I felt relief. My doubts and 'outlandish' thoughts were proven to be true. I could finally stop being angry, sad, paranoid, anxious and just get in with living my life.

I had an excellent support network. No real best friend but lots of friends and family.

Tip: take whatever help or comfort is offered.

feeficken · 29/03/2021 23:27

@Ardvark111 I understand what your saying but we just can’t afford a divorce right now, it’s just the way that’s panned out. I certainly don’t plan on living like this much longer, I’ve spoken to her and she is moving out and has recently said she is still looking for somewhere so we’re not going to be living together soon at the very least.

fedup078 · 30/03/2021 08:15

One thing I am planning and it makes me feel better is to really put some effort in to making the house nice . I'm going to try my hand at diy etc
I started already but he got upset that I was 'erasing him from the house'
What I'm not looking forward to is not seeing dc for 50% of the week

filoflapjack · 30/03/2021 08:48

I got a dog, threw myself into work and painted the shed bright pink !

fedup078 · 30/03/2021 08:51

@filoflapjack I'm really having to restrain myself with the pink and rose gold . Even had my eye on a pink and rose gold front door Grin

Milomonster · 30/03/2021 09:12

I took up yoga and fitness classes, got my ears pierced to wear beautiful jewelry, travelled a shit load. It made me feel somewhat better but I’d say only now (3yeas after divorce) do I feel healed from it. I’m renovating my home, throwing out a load of old stuff, and generally feel settled. There is no substitute for time.

relaxandchill · 30/03/2021 09:31

I'm going through a divorce and still living together one year after separating 🙈 Lots of time for you. See your friends, lots of nice long walks and read lots. I would recommend leaving dating until you are fully back to yourself....Flowers

ravenmum · 30/03/2021 09:54

Therapy was good as you can go on about your problems endlessly with the therapist in a way you couldn't do with friends or family.

Also doing some new single-friendly activities - singles dancing lessons, a theatre group, hiking - where there turned out to be quite a few divorcees or people who hadn't just been in the same couple all their lives. Most of my old friends were still in couples so it was nice not to be the only one whose love life was not perfect, and it was good to be doing stuff as an individual again - took me back to my 20s - with people who only knew me as an individual.

Isitreally17777 · 30/03/2021 10:56

@ravenmum

Therapy was good as you can go on about your problems endlessly with the therapist in a way you couldn't do with friends or family.

Also doing some new single-friendly activities - singles dancing lessons, a theatre group, hiking - where there turned out to be quite a few divorcees or people who hadn't just been in the same couple all their lives. Most of my old friends were still in couples so it was nice not to be the only one whose love life was not perfect, and it was good to be doing stuff as an individual again - took me back to my 20s - with people who only knew me as an individual.

This is my problem all my friends were in couples and knew me as part of a couple. Finding people to go out with is hard, when I want to try and mingle in a pub they want to sit and eat.
Dowser · 30/03/2021 11:39

I went out as much as I could and travelled as much as I could as I didn’t want to see that time as a time of deep sadness
We’d been married 30 plus years . I also still had my dear old mum to cart around, we had a great time and wish she was still here and grandchildren to immerse myself in, so my life was very full.

My son and grandson lived with me, so all his Mates were like extra sons.
We had our house in Florida so I would go with my Dd and dgs and mum or a friend, so again plenty to occupy myself

You still miss that special someone though

Anyway just after the divorce came through , he’d been gone 2 years by this point, I put myself on plenty of fish.
I married my second date.
Not straight away, 7 years after and 3.5 years after he moved in.

We’ve had a blast and I’ve been so much happier second time around.

It’s awful. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on my worst enemy
Mine got really nasty at the end but to have a second chance, be able to look back at the lovely memories I made during such a miserable, stressful time and be this happy is unbelievable .
Hope it happens for you too.
Put it this way , lockdown would’ve been very difficult on my own

ThatOtherPoster · 30/03/2021 11:44

It just gets a tiny bit easier every single day.

I threw myself into the gym, weight loss, and just revamping my appearance. Totally shallow and vain but it was the one thing I felt I could control!

I had lots of local friends so that but was easy and they all loved coming round to my man-free house. I think I’d try to make more nearby friends - it’ll get easier once the restrictions end, but until then maybe join an online support group for divorced people, or even just an online book club..?

If you’re looking to lose weight, I’ve just lost 4 stone on WW and found their online meetings REALLY fun, uplifting and supportive.

Having hobbies helps too. Your evenings will be free once kids are in bed, so it’s a brilliant time to throw yourself into doing your own thing. I just cooked or baked, but you could do way more exciting stuff. :)

Honestly, it’s amazing. I loved my post-divorce years. I’m married now to a newer man, but those years in between were the making of me.

Have fun. Xxx

StationView · 30/03/2021 13:40

A good counsellor.
Insisting on a fair divorce settlement, even though it cost many 💰 in lawyers' fees.
Time. Above all, time.

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