How did you get over your divorce/break up?

[Londono]

I instigated the divorce but I am still desperately sad that it has come to this. He hasn't moved out yet but he is moving out this weekend. We will share our primary aged children's time.

I work full time and have lots of lovely friends, many of them don't live locally anymore which is a shame and can mean that when I unexpectedly feel my lowest I don't have anyone locally I can just drop in and see. My local friends are the kind I can see for scheduled meet ups.

So what helped you? I already have weight to loss/fitness to improve which I know will help me physically and mentally but other real life tips would be great.

Definitely a good counsellor.

But the reality is, it's just time. It takes time to recover and to accept and to move on. It's such a huge change, you need to be kind to yourself. It will happen, but it takes time.

And of course you can help it along by e.g. getting fit, going out with your friends, dating, going on lovely holidays, redecorating your house, (all of which are better than sitting in, navel gazing and eating your own bodyweight in pizza).

I think it took me a good 4 years. Good luck OP.

@HelenHywater

Definitely a good counsellor.

But the reality is, it's just time. It takes time to recover and to accept and to move on. It's such a huge change, you need to be kind to yourself. It will happen, but it takes time.

And of course you can help it along by e.g. getting fit, going out with your friends, dating, going on lovely holidays, redecorating your house, (all of which are better than sitting in, navel gazing and eating your own bodyweight in pizza).

I think it took me a good 4 years. Good luck OP.

I needed to read this tonight. 4 years I can do.

I don’t miss my ex husband but I do miss the feeling of being married. I guess I felt chosen, picked for his team and the ring was like a big sticker proving that. As it turned out being on his team was a whole load of work for me and a whole load of relaxing for him. I still miss feeling like there are 2 of us together against the world though. I have a new OH and he’s definitely less of a taker but he has his life and I have mine and they come together when we are together but there’s no intention of them ever coming together permanently. My head is sure it’s better that way but sometimes my heart would like to be picked for someone’s team.

@Misty9 I was hoping for four weeks/four months at a push! A friend in RL said it took her three years. I imagine it doesn't feel that bad for the whole time.

@Peace43 It feels exactly as you describe with STBXH and I know what you mean with your current DP. I, like you, worked really hard for 'my team' but felt I couldn't carry him anymore.

[quote feeficken]@Ardvark111 I understand what your saying but we just can’t afford a divorce right now, it’s just the way that’s panned out. I certainly don’t plan on living like this much longer, I’ve spoken to her and she is moving out and has recently said she is still looking for somewhere so we’re not going to be living together soon at the very least.[/quote]
You can do an online quickie divorce for £100 or so. You may need more time /money to draw up a clean break agreement or come up a settlement, but you can do this after the legal divorce. I used www.managed-divorce.co.uk/ and they were great. It was all sorted in about 12 weeks. Now the other things like child arrangements and the financial settlement can take a while, but they do not need to be agreed before you actually divorce.

It's tough. Several years on, I'm up and down. Although I know I'm better off out of it, I miss being part of a team, knowing you've got each other's backs - even though he didn't really have mine & didn't play his part in the team. Like others on the thread, I focused on fitness and have got into the great shape, which has made me feel younger and is really rewarding. The revenge body works! I want to make the most of myself - I've been learning about skincare and style. Yeah, appearances are only skin deep, but that's true for all of us, so why not make the best of what you've got? It's fun and to me, it's reminding myself that I am worth investing my own time and money in.

Best cure for a man is another man. Have flings, take chances, flirt, do those things which you couldn't before. I swore I was never going near men again. Then my libido defrosted before my heart, so I had a fling or two. I wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship but just a fling was fantastic for giving me excitement about a new life.

Good luck.

Time first and foremost. Accepting that it would take time and that i couldn’t and shouldn’t force or rush myself.
Knowing that I might feel fine for a few days then it would hit me and I’d have a couple of shitty days and that it was totally normal and I didn’t have to fake happiness.
I would allow myself to feel and acknowledge my emotions - not wallow! Feel them then say ok it’s time to get on with my day now. If I still felt shit I would say to myself “focus on being ok now and cry tonight if you need to” - and I rarely needed to cry later, but it helped to acknowledge it and give myself space rather than pushing it down or away, if that makes sense.

Every now and again id wake up and it’d have lessened a bit, it was a little less sad and painful. Time is a great healer if you let it.

Practical wise - I wrote a list of all the positive things about my new life of being single. Some where superficial - like looking forward to the feeling before a first date and enjoying flirting again and some were deeper like having the freedom to explore my spiritual side without my ex partners cynicism ruining it. I wrote all sorts down and I carried that list with me for months.

Delete social media or stay off of it for a while.

Take up reading or a hobby that allows your mind to be quiet - running / reading / suduko - doesn’t matter. Just something which occupies your mind and let’s it get some rest from the emotional processing.

Ultimately knowing you are doing the right thing and that time heals and that everything changes and everything passes, when you’re in the absolute thick of it you have to remember that it will pass and it will all be a memory some day

Hmm @DivorcedAndDelighted - we’ve not sorted our finances, so are NOT applying for Decree Absolute... as it changes our marital situation and I’d lose any claim on my half of the assets... I’d no longer be his wife.
We are at the Nisi stage.

Please don’t rush into getting a divorce through and finalised until you’re agreed on the finances.

By all means get the ball rolling...

I’m only 9 months out, but have found online dance classes, walking with friends, a good counsellor and regular meditation a good mix. (The acknowledgment that things are bad/sad and it’s ok... you don’t need to beat yourself up)

It’s not perfect, but it’s been enough to see me through so far. I’ve also had huge support from friends and family.

Actually, what I’d REALLY like is a few gay friends to go out and have some fun with, without any strings attached. Just some undemanding fun male company.

Anyone know where to find them??

Now the other things like child arrangements and the financial settlement can take a while, but they do not need to be agreed before you actually divorce.

I’m not sure this is true. Or if it’s true, it’s not advisable. A solicitor won’t let you get to the Decree Absolute without having the finances and children stuff sorted and signed first.

A Decree Nisi doesn’t mean you’re divorced.

[quote Londono]@Misty9 I was hoping for four weeks/four months at a push! A friend in RL said it took her three years. I imagine it doesn't feel that bad for the whole time.

@Peace43 It feels exactly as you describe with STBXH and I know what you mean with your current DP. I, like you, worked really hard for 'my team' but felt I couldn't carry him anymore.[/quote]
I agree on a few years. During that time things do improve gradually, yes. I was also ready for a fun fling after about a year and a half, so was definitely well past the lying on the floor feeling wretched stage. But much later I'd still have the odd "moment" when something made me feel thoroughly shit. And I think it might have taken three years to stop having regular imagined arguments with my ex in my head!

I think what I miss now is having a "permanent" relationship. Even if I do get married again one day (still not keen!) I don't think I'll see it as "til death do us part", and my imagined future as an old lady, if I get that far, is me on my own.

This is the thing, isn't it, @ravenmum. There's so much loss involved, not just in the present but for the future you thought you had.

@ravenmum that really resonates with me about not having a permanent relationship again. I've been reflecting about why I feel so sad, given I know it couldn't have worked, and it's that I'm on my own again. For the time we were married I felt we were a team and particularly in the face of difficult relationships with my family. That's gone and I'm alone again, a fact which won't change now, or at least not until the kids leave home. My parents divorced when I went to university and whilst that didn't massively affect me, who they both married subsequently has had a big negative impact.

There's no magic solution. It's just hard and I'm hoping it gets easier.

In my case I don't really feel properly sad any more; it's more a nostalgia for those innocent days when I still believed in things lasting forever. I'm sorry I feel more cynical now, and it was nice believing in it.

I thought I'd found 'my' person and in some ways, perhaps I did. There is a weight of making the decision on my shoulders at the moment that is almost too much to bear.

@Londono

I thought I'd found 'my' person and in some ways, perhaps I did. There is a weight of making the decision on my shoulders at the moment that is almost too much to bear.

it's really tough. I was crippled by guilt until, a few months after the split, exh told me he was "much happier" and was horrified at the idea of trying again. My guilt for him evaporated. I still feel guilt for the dc, but it does get easier to bear.

I don't feel guilty about him, I am second guessing myself about whether it is the right decision for me. I bet that made it easier though when he said that.

I questioned my decision all the time and still do as the divorce was my idea. Honestly though i couldn't have taken anymore from him, I was so unhappy. Even now I have moments where I think could we give things another go but the risks are too high for me. To get back together and inevitably break up again as he won't change would be deverstating for the kids and me.

I wouldn't say I'm happy now, but I don't have the anger and upset I had in the last year. When I think about it all I do feel angry but considering there were days I felt so awful I could hardly eat, think or stop crying I can see that time and self care has started to make a teeny tiny difference every day. Like I've not cried for 5 days. Thats a big step forward for me in the last year which has been the most miserable existence . The guilt has eased. I don't wake up happy and hopeful yet but I wake up calm and content that I've my children, a roof and a decent job.

I can relate to almost every part of what you've written @ravenmum especially the need for self care. I stopped eating and lost a ton of weight but not in a good way. Recipe boxes really helped me nourish myself and I still get them occasionally now when that slips. Strange how the exes in these situations don't seem half as cut up or affected by it all?!

I never felt so lonely as I did when married. He started working away and that's when life improved so had short spells of a dry run so to speak and loved it like taking off a heavy coat. Divorce is crappy for everyone and I took my family on that ride. It would be a disservice to them to be sitting here now being miserable. Had a couple of relationships since and ended them due behaviours I couldnt live with and realise I've never been on my own for more than a year since my teens so embracing this time. Sold all my rings quite early on and bought myself a sparkly diamond ring and I love it. Chosen, bought and loved by me 👍 living a very different life now. I moved out, bought my own house, changed my job, different car. This all evolved, dogs, cats, nice armchair! Lots of reading, walking, watching my tv and the kids. It's good x

@Londono how are you doing
Did he move out ?

@fedup078 Nope, how about you? His moving out date was always a bit fluid as he says his new place isn't ready but he won't tell me when it will be. He's told the kids 'in the next month' but that is as much as I know. I expect I'll come home to half the household goods gone and my dc!

What about you?

@Joanie34 Gosh, this is SUCH an important point and I'm going to try very, very hard to remember it: Divorce is crappy for everyone and I took my family on that ride. It would be a disservice to them to be sitting here now being miserable.

@Londono yeah he went on Saturday
I managed to be out all day . He still thinks we have a chance but I highly doubt it

How are you feeling? I am both dreading and counting down the days until he leaves. It is like living in purgatory but obviously once he goes it is so real and in our case, no going back.

@Londono my wife’s the same she is moving out but doesn’t give much of the details about when that’s going to happen, it’s a horrible situation and like yourself I am counting down the days until that happens. I am at the point where I need the peace from it all but you will get there too the longer it goes on I suspect.