How did you get over your divorce/break up?

[Londono]

I instigated the divorce but I am still desperately sad that it has come to this. He hasn't moved out yet but he is moving out this weekend. We will share our primary aged children's time.

I work full time and have lots of lovely friends, many of them don't live locally anymore which is a shame and can mean that when I unexpectedly feel my lowest I don't have anyone locally I can just drop in and see. My local friends are the kind I can see for scheduled meet ups.

So what helped you? I already have weight to loss/fitness to improve which I know will help me physically and mentally but other real life tips would be great.

Hi, glad I came across this thread. Decided this morning to separate from my husband of 7 years. We have 2 small kids. He is livid. I'm relieved it's out there. But fear of the unknown. Plus he is refusing to leave. But the ball is rolling.

Welcome, @whatsoccuringnow. That first conversation is so very hard, I blurted it out without realising I was going to say it when I told STBXH I wanted a divorce but I knew I meant every word.

Thanks @Londono

I said it over text. But I knew I meant it. And I think he knows too. Well, he's blocked me on everything after telling me he's getting a solicitor. So it's definitely sunk in. I thought I'd have cried but I'm so calm.

I realised that I had extra money after he left, so I went out and bought clothes and lingerie.
I really ought to have a word with myself now though....seems I haven't stopped!

Gosh, @whatsoccuringnow. You sound together.

@Londono I feel it but it could be shock. It's been a long time coming. It can't get any worse than how it's been the last few years. It's just the kids I am so broken hearted for.

I joined a divorce recovery workshop group. It was very therapeutic. Each week we had different experts in to give us a talk on topics. I found useful legal process - what are the steps along the way to divorce? A very good talk on managing to co-parent without years. A discussion group on moving on with your life - what comes next. I also liked that our group met up every week for 10 weeks but also some of us met up informally for coffee, clothes shopping, running or just emotional support. I went through my divorce at same time as a colleague from work and we decided we would both go and see if it helped. It cost £500 for course which also had optional organised events included along the way, a trip to cinema, Pub night out, bowling, a murder mystery based at a castle and a meal out together at the end of the course. Many of us stayed on touch after group ended. I became a close friend to my colleague from work who I had not socialised with much before. The group helped me set targets to moving on and provided brilliant emotional support. I had found it difficult as married for 20 years and had joint couple friends so felt i could not really discuss my marriage breakdown with them as I did not want to bore them or make them feel uncomfortable or take sides. As it happened my ex bitched about me to joint friends a lot behind my back and ended up loosing most of our joint Friends whilst I kept them. Even my Exh best friend also continued to be friends with me.

@Londono I feel fine
I'm wondering if it will hit me later but right now I feel great

Time

A very honest list of all the reasons I no longer wanted us to be together, and the ways that he had let me down. It was such a long list and a huge eye opener.

Allowing myself to feel sad sometimes rather than desperately trying to be ok. Letting the tears flow, and flow, and flow- after which I generally felt huge relief.

Talking.

@fedup078 That's great. I wish I did.

I'm stuck ruminating on every little argument we ever had and what I could have done differently. Where the blame lies. My problem is that despite everything I still love him and I don't know how to stop.

@caringcarer That sounds like a great idea, I was only saying today how I only have one friend in RL who is divorced so although my friends sympathise, they don't know how it feels.

@Londono aww its hard and I am the last person to offer advice but I think I have an idea of how your feeling as it looks like we are in the same place although in different circumstances. My wife is leaving to be with OM so for me this isn't my choice, its hers. I too have wondered where it all went wrong and went over everything. I mean we need answers right, problem is we probably won't get answers and learning to live with that is difficult.

I've looked at myself and asked what's wrong with me that I still love my wife but the fact is I do and in one hand it feels wrong but on the other hand it feels natural. I've gone over everything and thought what if I did this or that and the big problem is its too easy to blame ourselves but remember your only 50% of the relationship.

Its so hard not to overthink when your suddenly alone so try and fill your day or night with things you enjoy but it is important to sit back and times and feel what you need to feel as there is no right way or wrong way to process this.

@feeficken Thank you for the reply. It is kind of my choice (we've both chucked the divorce word around over the years but it stuck last year and here we are) but having it as my decision is hard as the burden of that decision weighs so heavily on me. My counsellor says that no matter the ins and outs of any one argument etc, it is the culmulative impact that has led us here - same for all of us on this thread I guess. I suppose that doesn't stop me wishing things were different.

I just want to go to sleep and not get up for a year.

@Londono, no one knows how it feels until it happens to them. It is even different got each pets as some ex husbands make the whole process douch harder than it need be by bring difficult over ever decision. My ex was like this. We shared a home, business and children. We had been married 20 years and I thought we would sell house and go 50/50 on equity. I would have been happy to continue running business together or else he buy me out of my shares and youngest 2 children 7 and 16 would live with me and older child at uni would split time between us both when at home from uni. I offered asuvh access with younger 2 children as he/they wanted. My ex demanded 80 percent of joint business d spite fact I had half of shares in my me and worked at it too. I was very upset and it took longer than it should have but it takes 2 to be reasonable and I learned when I was reasonable it seemed to make him angry. In the end I toldy solicitor get me what you think is fair and don't bother me with details as I find it stressful. Just negotiate for me and tell me when I have to be in court. In the end I got 60 percent of equity in house, half of value of business which was far higher than value of house as valued as a going concern. We shared joint pension which again outraged him. He was ordered to pay maintenance for all children. He refused to pay so CSA had to deal with it and he only paid up when they threatened hid passport. It was a year of hell. The DRW was my solice and I made several good friends. Google them. They really are good.

How are people getting on? I'm taking it day by day hour by hour. I am struggling to eat, but slept last night. I still know it's right, but it's just so sad. For the kids, our family and 13 years. And for him that he won't change the things he needs to.

@whatsoccuringnow I am desperately sad. Now I'm thinking about what I could have done differently but at some point I'm going to have to face forwards but that is hard when we are still living together.

What did you want your H to change? This week I just miss him (even though he is still there) and it feels like some terrible nightmare.

Yeah mine is still here too, but refusing to speak to me. We've done 6 months of counselling, but he is a workaholic, and has a drink problem, and spends no time with me or the kids. He refuses to acknowledge or address the issues. Unless I just accept to live like that,its over. And I can't take it anymore. I really didn't want this for the kids. It's so sad.

It sounds like you have done all you can to save your marriage and it takes two to fix things. It is all so heartbreakingly sad. We didn't have counselling but we have had some in the distant past but it didn't work for either of us. Have you decided what your living arrangements will be?

@whatsoccuringnow kicked mine out due to his drinking too
He has told me he won't be at any point seeking any professional help . He had countless chances to sort himself out . I still never thought he'd do what he did when he got drunk in morning with our 1 year old. I really didn't think he'd stoop so low but he did. So fuck him

I wish I had one big moment to cling onto as being the reason we are splitting but it has been more cumulative than that here.

Sounds like you are making the best decision for you and your DC, @fedup078, well done.

Yeah it's been cumulative here, till I just woke up and thought- I can't do it anymore. I don't know how long it will take for him to realise staying in the spare room and refusing to speak to me isn't going to work for him for very long. Plus,he will want to go and drink somewhere by the weekend I hope. I am not even angry with him, just a bit sad its come to this and relieved. I think I fell out of love quite a while ago.

I'm not angry either, I wish I was, but I do still love him I just know it can't work anymore. How will you bring the deadlock to an end, @whatsoccuringnow?

I thought I would never get over my divorce, when she left me although deep down I knew if was coming it was still a shock.

It sounds dramatic but I almost felt like I was greiving.

A couple of years after I had a pretty akward relationship with someone but my heart wasn't in it, I really just wanted a friend.

After that I decided that I would be happier single. I indulged in a couple passions and started to feel better about life in general but it certainly took a long time.

Worst thing is I still love her and probably always will but being single is still a joy in many ways

I threw myself mainly into getting a divorce, it was all done and dusted in just under a year and could have been sorted much sooner if he stopped feeling sorry for himself and got his act together. We all respond differently, for me focusing on practical stuff helped.

Also, go out and do new things, accept any offer that comes along, go to see films or bands you're not sure are your thing (when we're allowed to) meet new people, it all helps.

@Imasoulman It sounds dramatic but I almost felt like I was grieving this isn't dramatic, it is exactly how it feels and it is a form of grief.

I think I will always love him too and I can't even begin to imagine being with anyone else, either as a companion or as a partner.

@DiamondBright All good advice.