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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How did you get over your divorce/break up?

102 replies

Londono · 29/03/2021 18:29

I instigated the divorce but I am still desperately sad that it has come to this. He hasn't moved out yet but he is moving out this weekend. We will share our primary aged children's time.

I work full time and have lots of lovely friends, many of them don't live locally anymore which is a shame and can mean that when I unexpectedly feel my lowest I don't have anyone locally I can just drop in and see. My local friends are the kind I can see for scheduled meet ups.

So what helped you? I already have weight to loss/fitness to improve which I know will help me physically and mentally but other real life tips would be great.

OP posts:

Original poster

Londono · 30/03/2021 14:37

Thanks everyone. Feeling very sad today so it is good to have some things to focus on in my post-divorce life. I just never wanted it to come to this.

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ravenmum · 30/03/2021 15:24

It's not a typical relationship goal :)
There'll be a reason for your choice. I'm also not delighted with how things turned out, but absolutely don't regret it either. Ideally it would have been a good marriage, but it wasn't, so a good divorce is the next best option.

Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 10:34

I think one of the things I'm struggling with is that at times it was an excellent marriage and match but with significant lows.

I've got a good counsellor, I don't think I'd be getting divorced without the sessions with her. Is that a good thing though?

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ravenmum · 31/03/2021 10:52

My exh had an affair, during which he was thoroughly unpleasant, which made things very simple for me. I would have hung around a lot longer otherwise; the marriage was "fine" and we got on "fine". But in retrospect, he had actually let me down many times over the years due to a slightly selfish streak, and he didn't understand me very well. Now that I'm with a more generous partner who seems to get me better, I'm sorry I didn't have that in my marriage.

You only get to do things one way; you'll never find out what things would have been like otherwise. But you wouldn't be doing this without a good reason. If you stayed, you might also regret putting up with the lows.

fedup078 · 31/03/2021 13:50

@Londono I suppose know one but you can know
I feel like I don't have a choice after he drank in the morning while looking after dc

Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 13:53

That is a real line in the sand, @fedup078. Have you arranged the access he will have to your DC once he moves out?

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Oldname · 31/03/2021 16:02

I'm three months into separation after a four month marriage and finding things hard. I have beautiful children and a full on hobby but feel isolated and left on the shelf.
It's like the world is coupled up!

Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 16:32

Yes @Oldname - that is also how I feel. I also wonder what are we supposed to do with all our memories of our time together? Despite the DC, who I obviously wouldn't be without, it all feels like such a waste.

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Raver84 · 31/03/2021 16:43

Hi
Im almost a year into a separation divorce is going through ex moved out a month ago.
I hit rock bottom when he left though I wanted it the feeling of ending a 15 year marriage suddenly felt real and In the last year I have felt so sad our marriage ended.
What has helped me is long walks with the dogs, running, exercise dads. I am at uni so studying lots. Working part time and spending time with 4 kids all keep my busy.
Im gojngvto join a gym when they open and maybe a hiking group.
Im desperately lonely at times but getting through it and hope one day I will find happiness again.
Good luck

Misty9 · 31/03/2021 18:26

I'm almost two years into separation and exh is keen to get divorced as soon as the 2yr mark hits. I ended it but it died years before that. I totally relate to what you're saying @Londono as my main emotion is sadness even 2 years later. We sold the family home and have both bought houses which the dc spend 50 50 time at. But I look around at his when I drop them off and see all the memories attached to the toys and things mostly I chose and bought. It hurts a bit less now though. I sometimes struggle to remember quite how unhappy I was at the end, and exh wouldn't try again if I paid him! He's very vocal about being much happier without me

I'm in a new relationship but it's much harder post marriage and kids. I don't regret ending the marriage, it really wasn't ever going to work with the two of us, but I do regret settling and not believing that I was worth more.

How to get over it? Clearly I'm still working on that but friends, time, boozy nights out dancing (when we can again) and lots of self compassion

longhaulstress · 31/03/2021 18:27

I'm a year on from separation and currently going through a divorce and it's been a tough process .
My exh had an affair and while it was an easier reason to divorce I haven't felt like it has made it any less sad.

Like some of the other posters I took up walking a lot, my Fitbit has helped motivate me and I also downloaded Amazon audible which was a lifesaver for when I was cooking/cleaning/walking as I found otherwise I spent too much time in my own head going over and over things.

Counselling helped, Taking multi vitamins, eating fairly well and keeping as busy as possible to help me fall and stay asleep easier. (Although I 'needed' wine sometimes I realised I always felt worse the day after)

Re-watching old tv shows and films that make you feel happy. I felt like I didn't have the energy or concentration for anything new.

Logically I know I'm better off without him but I still sometimes grieve for the life I had and could have had in the future. I get sad for the dc's. I grew up in a happy family and it was such an important thing for me to try and replicate. Xh and I were (i thought) best friends and I still miss him sometimes.

Time is also a healer but don't be surprised if you go up and down along the months, for example I'm having a low couple of days this week after being fine since January but I push on through, snuggle the dc's and try to count all the blessings that I have going on in my life.

It's a long road but one that definitely gets better and easier.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 31/03/2021 18:28

Got a job after 8 years being a SAHM and screwed my way through tinder. It worked a treat until I lost the job, luckily I found a wonderful new relationship shortly after that.
You'll get through it. Better to be happy separately than miserable together

fedup078 · 31/03/2021 18:36

@Misty9 yup I settled too
He says I have a problem with his drinking because I have 'mummy issues' due to my mother being an alcoholic. What I don't think he realises is that I wouldn't have been with him if I hadn't had such low self worth due to my 'issues' . Not many ppl would have put up with him for as long I did .

Misty9 · 31/03/2021 18:40

And yes yes to up and down too - the first year was like an emotional roller-coaster!

Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 18:41

Good luck to you too, @Raver84. Our marriage has been seriously on the rocks for a year and I've never, ever felt more lonely. I''m hoping that actually being on my own won't feel worse than this. I even feel like happiness is too lofty a goal to chase, that I just want peace.

for us all

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Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 18:51

@longhaulstress I can't concentrate on television now either or books or work a lot of days. I'm living in my head so much.

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Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 18:56

@Misty9 Gosh yes, I chose everything in the house (that STBEXH had to 'approve' before purchase) and it makes me sad that when I did all the legwork I have to just wave 50% of it goodbye.

It is vain of me too but I also miss wearing my rings - I loved them so much.

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Chasingsquirrels · 31/03/2021 18:57

Time basically.

Mine were 5 & 2, ex instigated the split.

I didn't have a lot of scope, or desire, to "get out and socialise". Would meet friends with the kids, one friend I walked with, occasional meals with friends.

Started looking at OLD after about a year, then got together with 2nd DH.

TBH although it's a long time ago (13 years), and I'm long over it, I still think it's sad (mostly for the kids) that it didn't work out. However I've been much happier (as well as great sadness) than I think I would have been with him.

Good luck Londono.

Chasingsquirrels · 31/03/2021 19:00

Oh, and don't think of it as a waste.
Life is a journey, he has been part of yours, you've produced children together. Accept that as part of where your life has taken you so far.

ThatOtherPoster · 31/03/2021 19:07

This is such a heartbreaking paragraph. Why are men such idiots???

Misty9 · 31/03/2021 19:20

[quote Londono]@Misty9 Gosh yes, I chose everything in the house (that STBEXH had to 'approve' before purchase) and it makes me sad that when I did all the legwork I have to just wave 50% of it goodbye.

It is vain of me too but I also miss wearing my rings - I loved them so much.[/quote]
I loved my rings too. I've packed them away for dd but have decided I'll buy myself a ring when the divorce is finalised. It sounds silly, and I don't think this of others, but at the beginning I'd notice wedding rings on women all the time - in meetings, at work etc - and feel lesser with my naked fingers. I still feel a bit less not being married, if that makes any sense.

When I see stuff at exh house it's easy to think, I want that at mine - but the kids see it every other week and I try to tell myself it's just stuff. I don't see our time together as a waste, I just feel a bit mistrustful of my own memory as in, it was good at points wasn't it? I'm having a down phase at the moment but I can definitely say I found peace of mind when I ended the marriage. It does definitely get easier.

Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 19:34

I still feel a bit less not being married, if that makes any sense

This makes SO much sense. You kind of think, no matter what else goes on in life, that if you are married that you have somehow 'made it'. Which is a silly way to feel obviously but so steeped in tradition and history that we can't help it sometimes.

I feel like I'm in a slow motion car crash of my own making at the moment (because it was my decision) and feel like the person who should make it better is him, but he is the one who has caused me so much pain.

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Alcemeg · 31/03/2021 19:44

I got laid, properly, for the first time in my life. It was like that bit in Thelma & Louise where she meets Brad Pitt

I began to realise there were definitely some things missing from my marriage, in retrospect!

Dazedandconfused10 · 31/03/2021 19:44

Got under someone else... honestly. I've written ex out my life, like he was never there.

Original poster

Londono · 31/03/2021 19:49

@Alcemeg That is great! Sadly our sex life was the one thing that we seemed to do well on.

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