Help me please to recover some dignity.

[Backtoworknightmare]

Before the most recent lockdown I had a brief (ish) FWB type arrangement with a much younger colleague. It ended because ultimately we wanted different things. I wanted more of a casual dating type relationship I suppose - not committed or in regular contact but the odd 'date' type evening + sex and possibly staying over. He just wanted a quick booty call.

It ended a little messily. After sleeping together a few times I had told him I wouldn't see him again unless he was prepared to offer a bit more - that the fuck and go thing wasn't really doing it for me. He sent some (what I thought were) heartfelt messages saying he would put in more effort to make it all a better experience, that he wanted to keep seeing me, and would I please 'work with him' on things. So I gave it one more go and arranged to see him again. He arrived at my place over an hour late and continued to act in exactly the same way he always had (ie not wanting to hang around afterwards etc.) I felt duped and angry and upset. I whined at him trying to get him to stay and after he left had too much to drink and sent a few ill advised messages (this was the first time I had played it anything other than cool so not a pattern of behaviour.)

I woke up the next day hungover to hell and absolutely mortified. And sent a much more sensible and dignified message over Facebook messenger ending things for good. Only the message never delivered. To this day it has a white circle with a tick next to it indicating sent but not delivered. I'm not blocked on Facebook so I assume he has either blocked me on messenger only or muted me so that my messages go into his message requests inbox. I don't know. I have no idea if he read my message ending things or if it was left on the back of a few drunk, pissed off messages from me that he couldn't be bothered with.

I always assumed he would get back in contact. He was one of those that always came back, but he hasn't, and neither of us has tried to contact the other since. We have been furloughed but are back at work in a couple of weeks.

The advice I need is around seeing him again and going back to work. I am absolutely dreading it. It's been two and a half months since we had any contact but for some reason it all still really stings. He's still on my mind a great deal - I haven't been able to shake off the feelings of humiliation and upset and I don't know why. I feel I handled it badly and let myself down. I feel embarrassed.

I really don't need anyone to tell me that forming relationships with colleagues/younger men/men that just want sex is a bad idea. You cannot criticise me any harder than my own internal voice has. Just give me some pointers on how to return to work with my head high. I've been miserable as sin this past couple of months but I really really don't want him to sense that. My friends aren't much help. They just call me a cougar and tell me to shrug it off. It's really got to me though.

It's the rejection that stings, not the loss of him. I'd just try to hold your head high and act like nothing happened. What else can you do?

Can you just do civil but not bothered? Just give the impression that nothing has gone on between you? Be proffessional, and don't let him think you're bothered. Fake it until you make it?

You're not the only one whose friends with benefits ends up going tits up, because these things usually benefit the men. Hold your head up high, just because you had an arrangement doesn't mean he's entitled to shoot his load and go, he made false promises and you decided not to see him again which was a good call. Who knows why he may be holding off, with all the recent media attention on how women are treated in society he might be holding himself to account in what an absolute scumbag he was to pretend he was going to make it a more worthwhile effort for you. I doubt it though. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You stated what you wanted from the arrangement and he didn't deliver. Just because it's a sex thing doesn't mean he has any right to treat you like a lump of meat. I'd go for utter disdain

Yes I was thinking easy-breezy/subtly distant. I'm a dreadful actor though and am scared I'll fluff it. Am going to try to stay out of his way. The less interaction I have with him, the less chance any leaky body language will give me away.

Thanks Cherry, I feel really supported by that comment. x

Just act normal, you’ll be okay mate.

Yeah, you don't have to go in all breezy. I'd view him as an utter piece of shit tbh and wouldn't bother trying to make my face hide it.

I think go to work with your chin up and try to gauge the vibes you receive from him. If he tries to make contact with you, talk to you then I'd suggest having a chat with him and firmly telling him how you feel in person. He is probably also feeling nervous about seeing you, and so he should be seeing as he was the one who couldn't stick to your agreement. You may feel a huge sense of relief after having it out with him, but if you don't need to talk to him much at work and you'd prefer to cut contact, just ignore him!

Thanks all. I really appreciate it. I have spent all of lockdown in a redecorating/house sprucing frenzy in an attempt to keep busy and forget about it/him. I haven't been able to but at least my house looks nice!

Gosh, I feel for you. I have recently got involved with some similar nonsense and it still weighs on my mind. The hard bit is that we don’t have the normal things to distract us or a way to forward so you sort of get stuck in the process. Be sure to be kind to yourself and remember in a few months you won’t feel like this.

Keep it breezy, but never friendly, and disappointed if needs be. Because you were the one who knew what you wanted and you weren’t fucking around. He’s the one who couldn’t get his shit straight.

When you see him at work you just nod and say "good morning Jim" . If he ever tries to engage on a personal level , you just shake your head and say " That's history. ".

Oh Op you poor thing I hear you, and totally understand how you feel...dreading that going back to work and having to see him again thing.

Honestly I think once you just get that bit out of the way you will start to feel a lot better. Be brave, be civil, but give no more to the situation. Was it a very quiet, private thing or do either of you have colleagues/friends at work to navigate around this too? If not then pretend it never happened, and if you do then blame lockdown and isolation for everything. That's what the rest of us are doing

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I'd just be cool and only interact with him when necessary for your job. Pretend that nothing happened between you. I wouldn't have a heart to heart.

I was there too last year and I can't believe I allowed myself to be treated in such a shitty way! I wrote threads about him here because I allowed him to hurt me. All I will say is we are both better off out of it, and deserve better than a hump and dump. Hold your head up and stay cool, don't let him try and restart this with you as you will end up feeling shit about it again. I won't ever allow a man to treat me like that again.

Moooning my one insistence was that we didn't tell anybody at work (or in the community - we live in a small town) about us. I wanted to keep it strictly private. I've stuck to my end of the deal, I don't know if he has.

I don't think anyone at work knows, although someone from work did tell me he had confided in them that he had a thing for me. Who knows though. Secrets are hard to keep.

Also I don't trust him. God knows what he's told people tbh.

But we work in hospitality and honestly it isn't an environment that values icy professionalism. It's a (mostly) quite young, boisterous crowd and relationships and flirtations happen all the time. Us seeing eachother wouldn't be considered inappropriate workplace behaviour, as such. But I'm sure people would gossip mercilessly about the age/expectation gap.

Basically he had no respect for you.

I've often found that women may want friend with benefits but men who claim to want the same - actually just want the sex.

Its like because you are liberated enough not to 'need' them, just want some fun company,they take the hump. They either try to get you to fall in love with them (and are incredulous and spiteful when you don't) or just treat you like a wank sock.

You weren't asking for much, but unfortunately you were asking it of the wrong person. Be ause it's pointless yo ask a shitty person to act like a decent human being.

I wouldn't bother my ass being 'easy breasy' at work. I'd literally just blank him. I'd walk off if he tried to talk to me. But first I'd give him a bored yawn.

*breezy

Oh I feel for you and encourage you to put it out of your mind. Easier said than done, it's been some forty years and it still stings for me.

It's a learning process, get yourself a much better one next time.

Just give me some pointers on how to return to work with my head high Just that, fake it til you make it. Walk in with your head high as if you deserve it. Its only you saying you don't. As for the guy, well he's behaved like a bit of a pig hasn't he and sulked when you ended it so stuff him. Personally when you see him again act like nothing every happened, you wouldn't touch him with a health inspector on the end of a bargepole, he's utterly irrelevant, so irrelevant you can't even be bothered to be rude to him or have any personal chit chat with him whatsoever. etc. Don't ignore him in a way that attracts attention and fuels gossip, but just in a civil but invisible way and do not under any circs confide in a work colleague. If he initiates any conversation after initial normal greeting - sail off in a stately fashion.

I think you just need to walk back I. To work and hold your head up high, if you haven't been in work since lockdown then a lot has happened since then.
It's ok to feel embarrassed about being a bit undignified with drunk rants but you did your bit and tried to apologise. Don't let this hang over you.
Head high and live your life.

Hang on a minute. He treated you like crap and you're the one who thinks they need to recover their dignity?

He's touched a raw nerve in how you see yourself, and I don't think you're seeing this straight.

He made you promises he didn't keep so that he could keep having sex with you. What kind of person does that make him? The word 'worm' has sprung to mind, although worms are quite nice, so that's mean to them.

What exactly do you think you did wrong here? Which bit of your behaviour over the break up period do you wish you could change?

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Just give me some pointers on how to return to work with my head high Just that, fake it til you make it. Walk in with your head high as if you deserve it. Its only you saying you don't. As for the guy, well he's behaved like a bit of a pig hasn't he and sulked when you ended it so stuff him. Personally when you see him again act like nothing every happened, you wouldn't touch him with a health inspector on the end of a bargepole, he's utterly irrelevant, so irrelevant you can't even be bothered to be rude to him or have any personal chit chat with him whatsoever. etc. Don't ignore him in a way that attracts attention and fuels gossip, but just in a civil but invisible way and do not under any circs confide in a work colleague. If he initiates any conversation after initial normal greeting - sail off in a stately fashion.

This.

He sounds like a twat.
Treat him with semi polite distaste.

He really doesn't count.

Stop beating yourself up about something that you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Pretend it never happened, go about your work, if you seem him be cordial and say hello and keep moving. If he brings it up , stop him in his tracks and tell him that's done and dusted now, if he has told anyone else .... deny it 😂😂😂