Help me please to recover some dignity.

[Backtoworknightmare]

Before the most recent lockdown I had a brief (ish) FWB type arrangement with a much younger colleague. It ended because ultimately we wanted different things. I wanted more of a casual dating type relationship I suppose - not committed or in regular contact but the odd 'date' type evening + sex and possibly staying over. He just wanted a quick booty call.

It ended a little messily. After sleeping together a few times I had told him I wouldn't see him again unless he was prepared to offer a bit more - that the fuck and go thing wasn't really doing it for me. He sent some (what I thought were) heartfelt messages saying he would put in more effort to make it all a better experience, that he wanted to keep seeing me, and would I please 'work with him' on things. So I gave it one more go and arranged to see him again. He arrived at my place over an hour late and continued to act in exactly the same way he always had (ie not wanting to hang around afterwards etc.) I felt duped and angry and upset. I whined at him trying to get him to stay and after he left had too much to drink and sent a few ill advised messages (this was the first time I had played it anything other than cool so not a pattern of behaviour.)

I woke up the next day hungover to hell and absolutely mortified. And sent a much more sensible and dignified message over Facebook messenger ending things for good. Only the message never delivered. To this day it has a white circle with a tick next to it indicating sent but not delivered. I'm not blocked on Facebook so I assume he has either blocked me on messenger only or muted me so that my messages go into his message requests inbox. I don't know. I have no idea if he read my message ending things or if it was left on the back of a few drunk, pissed off messages from me that he couldn't be bothered with.

I always assumed he would get back in contact. He was one of those that always came back, but he hasn't, and neither of us has tried to contact the other since. We have been furloughed but are back at work in a couple of weeks.

The advice I need is around seeing him again and going back to work. I am absolutely dreading it. It's been two and a half months since we had any contact but for some reason it all still really stings. He's still on my mind a great deal - I haven't been able to shake off the feelings of humiliation and upset and I don't know why. I feel I handled it badly and let myself down. I feel embarrassed.

I really don't need anyone to tell me that forming relationships with colleagues/younger men/men that just want sex is a bad idea. You cannot criticise me any harder than my own internal voice has. Just give me some pointers on how to return to work with my head high. I've been miserable as sin this past couple of months but I really really don't want him to sense that. My friends aren't much help. They just call me a cougar and tell me to shrug it off. It's really got to me though.

Go back to work cheerfully with everyone and pay no attention to him. If you can manage slightly amused that is fine. You did nothing wrong. If anyone else ever does mention any gossip or whisper about it I'd just laugh mildly and shake my head slightly saying Bless! Is that what he's said?

Don't confirm or deny.

Moooning he's mid twenties. I'm mid forties. So a very large age gap.

Eckhart family relationships are a total disaster but honestly I think it's the dominant narrative of the times that has influenced how I feel about myself in this situation. If it has been made clear a relationship is about sex rather than commitment then I feel women these days are encouraged to accept any amount of callous behaviour from men without murmur. We cannot complain as we were told the score, and if we do complain it's because we are needy/pathetic/can't handle lack of committment. But actually that doesn't gel with what I truly believe, which is that a basic degree of respect and kindness is due in any intimate relationship. I shouldn't have to ask for basic courtesy, it should be a given. But the dominant narrative has really done a number on me so now I feel bad for feeling bad IYSWIM.

I think what's happened here is you clearly wanted a relationship with him and he didn't, he just wanted sex. You're mourning what feels like a break up and he's probably not giving any of it a second thought - this is why the whole FWB thing tends to do women a disservice - they invariably want more and men are just happy getting their leg over (and Yep, I'm well aware this isn't the case for all FWB arrangements but it's more often than not what happens.)

All you can do is be politely friendly if a d when you see him. And work on putting him out of your mind. There is nothing wrong with vocalising to a man that you want more than just a shag so you've done nothing wrong at all - but it's time to leave it now and stop dwelling over it

Oh dear, the age gap changes things.
Hate to say it op but I'd maybe be looking for a new job.

Alternatively, go into work and casually mention to some of the girls you have a new toy boy in his early thirties and he's a real man who knows what an actual fwb relationship is and does it right. And is actually, great in the sack.

The age gap changes nothing. There is some amazing advice on this thread; please don’t let one voice sway you into feeling bad. You are human, you were misled, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.

I really don’t think the age gap changes anything. Honestly, OP, give it a bit of time and you truly will look back on this and laugh!

Be kind to yourself girl,

Keep yourself distracted, time is the best healer with things like this and don't beat yourself up, we've all done it...
Shake it off, try let it go and focus on the good that's to come.

Call the girls, have some pamper nights, join tinder and keep working on you, you'll find eventually you become less attached.

When are you expected to go back to work? xx

It does change things though. If they were the same age, work people might just gossip about how she wanted more/he is a dick...so it didn't work. However because she older there will be pity involved. And the assumption that she wanted a relationship with this much younger man. And 'what did she expect?'. And far more judgyness.

If course itll pass though, like any gossip would.

@Wanderlusto - I think that’s your judgment. Maybe some people will view it like you do. Many won’t. I feel no pity for the OP at all. All power to her, as far as I’m concerned!

I don't know Wanderlusto - I mean at the end of the day I was the one to officially end things. There may have been a slightly undignified stumble at the end but I did make clear what I wanted and put a stop to proceedings when it became clear he wasn't prepared to offer it (despite what he'd said.) I haven't ever chased him.

And it may well be that no one at work knows. I haven't told anyone. And as far as he's concerned, it was two and a half months ago. If he's not thinking about it like posters say, then presumably he thinks I'm not either. He's no idea I'm still dwelling. Perhaps the time for any of it to be gossip worthy is already over.

T1gerEyes I did want more than he did, as stated in the OP. But wanting the odd evening in with drinks + sex + stay over every now and then, plus a bit of respect, isn't my idea of a proper relationship, which I definitely wasn't after. I wanted things kept secret for a reason - the idea of being seen out and about together, or of socialising together with our friends and family was preposterous to me. A real relationship was always out of the question because of the age gap.

I'm certainly not going to look for a new job. I like the job I have. If the absolute worst happens and people gossip or ask me about it, I'll just tell the truth: we gave a casual thing a go but I ended it because I wasn't enjoying it.

Definitely if anyone mentions anything, play it right down for the very casual thing it was, and shrug it off.

Make sure you look shit hot on your first day back, listen to an empowering power ballad loudly on the way to work. Waltz in bright & breezy - hold your head up high!
He obviously enjoyed to sex...well tough he won't be getting any more.
Be friendly, bubbly and upbeat with colleagues - be professional and cool with him (slightly dismissive)

Remember...men sleep with who they can, women sleep with who they want.

You've gotten some excellent advice here.

Easier said than done but try not to give it another thought.
You'll probably get to work and it will be fine.
If he did tell anyone, deny it.

First of all OP, don’t be so hard on yourself.
Many, many of us, myself included, have made bad mistakes when it comes to men and you can actually be proud of yourself because you set boundaries and no longer allowed him to cross them.

If you see him at work again, be friendly and polite but not too friendly if you know what I mean. A friend of mine who is male once gave me the advice to treat your ex as you would treat an annoying auntie that you do not like very much. You’re polite and friendly because she’s family and you can’t avoid seeing each other on family gatherings but you’re not too keen on contact with her so you don’t take any initiative and keep her on an arm length distance and any texted are answered as a last priority. Hope this helps!
Good luck

Actually, I think you have the upper hand here.

You told him what you wanted, he said he would go along with that, and he didn't. He totally disrespected you.

And so you told him so! OK, the words/language you used might have been 'immature' - as you said - but so what? You told him it was over.

He's the one who should be shamefaced about meeting you at work!

And ignore the nonsense from @Wanderlusto. Ageism at its finest on MN.

I was planning on that, Customwatkins For me, you know? So that I can I feel as confident as I can. I work front of house/first point of contact and it's a reasonably smart place, so I'm expected to make an effort anyway. No harm in putting my best foot forwards.

Op you have done nothing wrong at all! This is all on him - you were very honest about what you were looking for, and good on you for getting shot when he was treating like an unpaid escort. I would have had far more to say, with much more colourful language than you! Had you not sent the texts he would go away thinking it is okay to treat women like a drive through - so you have nothing to be ashamed about at all.

I have been in similar position - and I don't do fake, when someone has upset me they tend to know about it. In a professional environment, I would let him say hello and approach you - I would say absolutely nothing until he does, don't be tempted to be the 'bigger person' it just translates to weakness. Let him do the hellos, or don't greet him - just wait and bide your time. Hold your nerve. Most likely it will never be mentioned between you - ever - but if has some balls which I very much doubt he may talk to you about it, the chances are almost zero as he will not invite the potential to be called out

Keep it simple

' I didn't like the way you treated me, I hope you will treat women better in the future'
Thats it, simple and to the point. If he is any kind of man at this point you might expect an apology. Or he may say he misunderstood - if he says that then just say: ' I think I was very clear actually' he will probably fumble through the rest of the conversation, but you would have been crystal clear and with dignity in place. HE didn't measure up, not the other way around.

If anyone asks you about it, if they find out, just look at them in surprise and say ' There is nothing going on between us at all (this is true as of now) I can't stand the guy (also true)'

I think that will be enough to see them off. No one says that if they like someone. Make sure you say it with conviction. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

Look op, this needs reframing in your own mind at least. You had sex, he didn't treat you well, you warned him that he was still treating you badly and he left - and that is all there is to it. A few messages makes no difference at all, as you were communicating the same message in a different way.

It is not you, it is him. What a shit to treat in that way.

I'm always going to wonder if he read those messages from me finishing it though. They are on sent but not delivered which means one of two things: he either blocked me on messenger (but not on Facebook) before I sent them, which means he can't have read them, or it means he muted/ignored me and they went to his message requests box. Which means he might have read them and they wouldn't show as delivered unless he replied.

I know the outcome is the same whatever but it does make a bit of difference as to how it was left. I guess I'm just never going to know - it's not like I'm going to ask him.

Well, I saw him for the first time back at work today. He wasn't working - he came in as a punter. So much for being casually friendly but distant - I couldn't even look at him. I didn't make eye contact, any time he came near where I was working I turned my back or went into the office. At one point my boss shouted me to come and take an order for him: "Can you come and take this order Backtowork, or are you busy?" And I shouted back: "Busy, sorry."

What's the matter with me? I felt nervous, upset, and just ugh. And I imagine I came across as deeply frosty/a bit hostile - it will have been obvious to him I was avoiding any kind of situation where we'd be forced to say hello. I just wasn't up to pretending everything was fine so avoided any interaction at all. He was his same cocky self - ladding it up with the boys in the kitchen. Wanker.

Our paths/shifts won't cross again for at least another two weeks anyway, so perhaps enough time for me to pull myself together.

I had similar. I said what I wanted, he agreed, we went out, then he forgot about the agreement! I ended it.

He popped up again via social media. I said exactly what I thought. He has tried since. I know I should block him. I have done on everything else, but one social media account, but it amuses me to turn him down and remind him I won't meet him, each time he pops up. I don't care what he thinks. He mislead me.

You can read the messages on notifications as they pop up on your phone. He's currently chosen not to engage with you.

Have great strength in being in control of your own life by ignoring him, then saying what you think, in a dignified manner, when he comes back. It may take a few months, but he'll be back.

The messages were sent but not delivered. For him to have read them through notifications they would have to have been delivered. He's either blocked or muted me.

There's a work Facebook group I can still see him on though and I have noticed that he never reads the group chat on there unless I post something. You can tell who's read what messages because their profile picture shows next to them. He only ever logs in to read mine.

@Backtoworknightmare

Well, I saw him for the first time back at work today. He wasn't working - he came in as a punter. So much for being casually friendly but distant - I couldn't even look at him. I didn't make eye contact, any time he came near where I was working I turned my back or went into the office. At one point my boss shouted me to come and take an order for him: "Can you come and take this order Backtowork, or are you busy?" And I shouted back: "Busy, sorry."

What's the matter with me? I felt nervous, upset, and just ugh. And I imagine I came across as deeply frosty/a bit hostile - it will have been obvious to him I was avoiding any kind of situation where we'd be forced to say hello. I just wasn't up to pretending everything was fine so avoided any interaction at all. He was his same cocky self - ladding it up with the boys in the kitchen. Wanker.

Our paths/shifts won't cross again for at least another two weeks anyway, so perhaps enough time for me to pull myself together.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you coming across as a bit hostile or frosty tbh. It's what he deserves

For your own sake tho I hope you feel a bit better around him soon as it can't be nice feeling like that in work. It'll probably get easier the more you see him

There’s no shame in avoiding him. He treated you badly.

Be prepared for him trying to belittle you by confronting you with a “what’s your problem” type comment aimed to imply you’re childish.

Have a response. Even if it’s just “I decided you’re not a nice person”.

Yes, I guess I'm worried that frosty/angry = still invested as far as he's concerned.

But what can I do? It wasn't a deliberate act, I had planned to be friendly enough but detached, but when it came down to it I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to even look at him. To be honest I felt a bit sick and shaky which is ridiculous. It was nothing - just sex a few times. Don't understand why I can't get a grip really. I'm angry, I think.