Help me please to recover some dignity.

[Backtoworknightmare]

Before the most recent lockdown I had a brief (ish) FWB type arrangement with a much younger colleague. It ended because ultimately we wanted different things. I wanted more of a casual dating type relationship I suppose - not committed or in regular contact but the odd 'date' type evening + sex and possibly staying over. He just wanted a quick booty call.

It ended a little messily. After sleeping together a few times I had told him I wouldn't see him again unless he was prepared to offer a bit more - that the fuck and go thing wasn't really doing it for me. He sent some (what I thought were) heartfelt messages saying he would put in more effort to make it all a better experience, that he wanted to keep seeing me, and would I please 'work with him' on things. So I gave it one more go and arranged to see him again. He arrived at my place over an hour late and continued to act in exactly the same way he always had (ie not wanting to hang around afterwards etc.) I felt duped and angry and upset. I whined at him trying to get him to stay and after he left had too much to drink and sent a few ill advised messages (this was the first time I had played it anything other than cool so not a pattern of behaviour.)

I woke up the next day hungover to hell and absolutely mortified. And sent a much more sensible and dignified message over Facebook messenger ending things for good. Only the message never delivered. To this day it has a white circle with a tick next to it indicating sent but not delivered. I'm not blocked on Facebook so I assume he has either blocked me on messenger only or muted me so that my messages go into his message requests inbox. I don't know. I have no idea if he read my message ending things or if it was left on the back of a few drunk, pissed off messages from me that he couldn't be bothered with.

I always assumed he would get back in contact. He was one of those that always came back, but he hasn't, and neither of us has tried to contact the other since. We have been furloughed but are back at work in a couple of weeks.

The advice I need is around seeing him again and going back to work. I am absolutely dreading it. It's been two and a half months since we had any contact but for some reason it all still really stings. He's still on my mind a great deal - I haven't been able to shake off the feelings of humiliation and upset and I don't know why. I feel I handled it badly and let myself down. I feel embarrassed.

I really don't need anyone to tell me that forming relationships with colleagues/younger men/men that just want sex is a bad idea. You cannot criticise me any harder than my own internal voice has. Just give me some pointers on how to return to work with my head high. I've been miserable as sin this past couple of months but I really really don't want him to sense that. My friends aren't much help. They just call me a cougar and tell me to shrug it off. It's really got to me though.

Eckhart you've no idea how much I appreciate all these supportive messages but I am a bit embarrassed at how I behaved as he was leaving. I let my upset show and whined along the lines of: "But why won't you say, you said" etc etc. I tried to hug him goodbye at least and he was obviously trying to shrug me off and get out of there. Then I sent angry (and drunk slightly incoherent) messages saying he was immature and blah blah.

I do think he behaved badly (to be honest I think he's been awful) but the truth is I lost my cool that night. And I'm still cringing.

why won't you stay, sorry.

And we know how men often frame these things: Ugh she's such a cling-on them bitchez be crazy etc etc. Rather than look at themselves and ask if a woman's upset could possibly be understandable.

OP, we have all been there. (Well, I have). And usually we behave like this because we have been totally wound up over time by ongoing twattish behaviour. I vote for frosty disdain.

@Backtoworknightmare

Eckhart you've no idea how much I appreciate all these supportive messages but I am a bit embarrassed at how I behaved as he was leaving. I let my upset show and whined along the lines of: "But why won't you say, you said" etc etc. I tried to hug him goodbye at least and he was obviously trying to shrug me off and get out of there. Then I sent angry (and drunk slightly incoherent) messages saying he was immature and blah blah.

I do think he behaved badly (to be honest I think he's been awful) but the truth is I lost my cool that night. And I'm still cringing.

Could this be because you're a human, d'you think?

Sorry, I don't mean to be cheeky, but he treated you like rubbish and you had a 'That hurts because I thought you cared/you're a stupid prat' response. That's the appropriate response for a healthy mind and heart. That's what we're programmed to do. You didn't put a brick through his window or set his trousers on fire.

I think the bigger question for you here is why you feel you shouldn't express your upset when you feel it. It's a bigger question than this issue. He might have done you a favour, because if he sets off a train of learning for you about your own responses to your feelings, you'll come out better off.

Expressing yourself is allowed, and that's what you did. Being hurt by somebody hurtful is a healthy response, and that's what you did.

You don't need to recover your dignity: It is already intact.

I'm really hoping you didn't put a brick through his window or set his pants on fire, now...

"What can I say? I went insane during lockdown" is all you can say if anyone mentions it. Say the minimum to him and don't spend time alone with him.

@Backtoworknightmare

And we know how men often frame these things: Ugh she's such a cling-on them bitchez be crazy etc etc. Rather than look at themselves and ask if a woman's upset could possibly be understandable.

Doesn't matter what he says. Even if he lies to people. It doesn't matter.

You sent him a message AGES ago. He didn't read it, you left it at that. That's dignity. You weren't clingy. He can say you were, if he wants, but he'll just make even more of a prat of himself.

If anybody mentions it, just tell them you can't be bothered to go into it. If he talks to you, be polite and brief and nothing more. There really don't have to be any conversations with anybody about this.

@HollowTalk

"What can I say? I went insane during lockdown" is all you can say if anyone mentions it. Say the minimum to him and don't spend time alone with him.

But she didn't. OP has no fault to admit, here.

I definitely didn't put a brick through his window or set his trousers on fire.

I dunno, I guess if I think things through I can see intellectually that of course it's ok to express emotion - that my feelings of hurt and anger were appropriate. Whinging just isn't very 'cool' though is it.

I've been there. It's excruciating but he's the one who should hang his head in shame really. You were upfront about what you wanted and he lied for a shag then ran off. You'll just have to brazen it out and act like nothing happened. You'll get over it honestly xx

Don't be ashamed for showing your feelings to him. We always want to be ice-people who never go out on a limb or give in to an emotion. But that is human and far more interesting than always being aloof. He has been the dick, not you.

When you go back to work, act like it never happened. I've really learned that if you act like you don't care, people will come to believe that, no matter what transpired previously.

Whinging just isn't very 'cool' though is it

It depends what kind of cool you want to be. The coolest people actually can set people's trousers on fire, throw them through the window with a brick in them, and still show up for work the very next day with a shit eating grin on their face. They can whinge for a full fortnight, 24/7, and then just say 'I feel better now. That whinging really helped!' and forget all about it.

Stop judging yourself. You're highly unlikely to be the worst person in the world at anything, ever, and you sound really nice. If you're worried about seeing him, allow yourself to express that, physically. As soon as he appears, just turn and walk away. You can even do a shudder. You don't have to put anything on or act. You don't want to be around him, and your body will do that for you if you let it. That, coupled with refusing to speak about why you're doing it, will tell everybody what they need to know.

Second what @Eckhart has said
Then I sent angry (and drunk slightly incoherent) messages saying he was immature and blah blah
Instead of suffering in silence, and letting him behave badly and slink off without a word, you let your quite natural annoyance out and told him exactly what you thought of his behaviour. Good for you!
You were right to call him immature.
He's the one who behaved like a pratt, and should be embarrassed, not you.

And if he does try to trash talk about you, just laugh it off with the famous words of Mandy Rice Davis "Well, he would say that wouldn't he."

Everything @Eckhart has said.

Eckhart’s wisdom can’t be improved on but I wanted to throw in a couple more things anyway:

(1) IME the sting of more or less any experience like this can be reduced by saying - what can I learn from this? How can I make it work for me? Take those lessons and use them for future encounters.

(2) I find it helps to remember how UNimportant I am in the grand scheme of things. Therefore whatever foolishness I have engaged in (as long as it hasn’t hurt someone else) really doesn’t matter very much either.

Meh, think up and practise a few responses.

Or just laugh like the jokes on him, "god, you're not still going on about that are you Keith, crikey, move on lad"

I find it helps to remember how UNimportant I am in the grand scheme of things

Yes, @Dery! Thank god none of us are that important to most of the people around us. People don't really give a flying fandoodle.

OP, would you be that bothered if one of your colleagues was in your situation instead of you? Would it take up much of your headspace? Would you think she was a cringey idiot, or that the bloak was a toad?

(I know that's not how you spell bloke but I couldn't help it, for the resonance, and now I think it should be invented as a word for a toad bloke)

If it was another woman I would undoubtedly feel protective and sympathetic towards her, and think that he was an arsehole. And if anyone spoke ill of her I'd think they were an arsehole too.

Why can we never extend the same grace to ourselves that we do to others?

@eckhart
Latest addition to MN dictionary :
Bloak , pronounced B loak, rhymes with Soak = a toad bloke as in "That bloke is a right toad"

Closely related to boak, a Scottish slang word for vomit or nausea as in 'Urgh, he gives me the boak'

I think you'll do fine OP. He sounds like a bit of massive knob really. Especially given the messages about meeting him halfway or whatever when you tried to end it based on your terms. Dick move. Can I ask about the age gap, or how old he is?

@Backtoworknightmare

If it was another woman I would undoubtedly feel protective and sympathetic towards her, and think that he was an arsehole. And if anyone spoke ill of her I'd think they were an arsehole too.

Why can we never extend the same grace to ourselves that we do to others?

WE CAN!! You've got it!

This is about self respect. You would have respect for the other woman in your shoes (once she gave you your shoes back), but disrespect yourself in the same position.

This is the crux. So, have a look at where your self-disrespect comes from. I'd vote for 'your childhood'. I may be miles off the mark here. But usually, we learn how to behave with regard to our relationships from good old Mum and Dad. So, what did they teach you about listening to and responding to your emotions? Were they receptive and responsive when you told them how you felt, as a child? Were they in a healthy relationship themselves, where they respected each others' opinions and emotional responses?

It would be interesting if you answered those questions, but really, they're rhetorical. Have a think about whether you are doing what your parents used to do (some version of 'Oh god, now he/she's going to think I'm a right idiot for saying what I said') or doing what you had to do with them ('Be quiet, Backtoworknightmare! Nobody wants to listen to how upset you are!')

Forgive me if you feel I just dissed your parents. These attitudes are often by accident, from parents who love us and don't realise the impact.

And you should definitely refer to him in your head as a bloak called Keith. Just to keep the strength of the thread present whilst you're at work

You are a goddess. He is a prick. You asked for what you wanted. He lied just so he could get his leg over. You rightfully called him out on it. He slunk away. You can easily just style this out now. Be professional towards him and that’s it. If anyone asks just tell the truth - it was fun while it lasted, but it was only ever breakfast, not dinner.

You didn't lose your dignity, you let your guard down after a few drinks and being confronted with dickish behaviour. He didn't earn your respect, in fact he behaved without much kindness or thought. Don’t let him rent space in your head for free. He’s not the great love of your life, he’s a younger guy who has no power or control over you, unless you want to cede some power to him. Do you? I suspect not, so handle it in a way designed to put your welfare first. The only person you need to impress is yourself. His opinion of you, is irrelevant. You don't exist to please people like your former lover. You don't need his approval or forgiveness. Can you imagine someone losing sleep over your opinion of them? You would probably say, how could someone be so daft....remember that....He’s a selfish guy who doesn’t want a commitment, maybe he doesn’t have much to give? You want something more, you're entitled to want something more, and you're entitled to express your opinion. You did that, you made your position clear and now its over, and its time to move on. No one died, there’s no big drama, and you're not going to give him any more power. Listen to the women on this post and when in doubt, or lacking a bit of perspective read what they think. You’ve done nothing wrong. This is a non event [albeit that you've worried a lot about it]. Chin up and good luck.

Thank you everyone for such lovely, supportive comments. They really have helped me to feel more confident about returning to work. You're all right - in the great scheme of things it really doesn't matter that much. He's the one who left his integrity and ethics at home. My ego just took a bit of a bashing, I suppose. It was supposed to make me feel all confident and sexy - a hot fling with a younger bloke. And it really didn't.

But I like my job. And I'm looking forward to getting back to work after a long period of lockdown. I'll try to focus on that.