Help me please to recover some dignity.

[Backtoworknightmare]

Before the most recent lockdown I had a brief (ish) FWB type arrangement with a much younger colleague. It ended because ultimately we wanted different things. I wanted more of a casual dating type relationship I suppose - not committed or in regular contact but the odd 'date' type evening + sex and possibly staying over. He just wanted a quick booty call.

It ended a little messily. After sleeping together a few times I had told him I wouldn't see him again unless he was prepared to offer a bit more - that the fuck and go thing wasn't really doing it for me. He sent some (what I thought were) heartfelt messages saying he would put in more effort to make it all a better experience, that he wanted to keep seeing me, and would I please 'work with him' on things. So I gave it one more go and arranged to see him again. He arrived at my place over an hour late and continued to act in exactly the same way he always had (ie not wanting to hang around afterwards etc.) I felt duped and angry and upset. I whined at him trying to get him to stay and after he left had too much to drink and sent a few ill advised messages (this was the first time I had played it anything other than cool so not a pattern of behaviour.)

I woke up the next day hungover to hell and absolutely mortified. And sent a much more sensible and dignified message over Facebook messenger ending things for good. Only the message never delivered. To this day it has a white circle with a tick next to it indicating sent but not delivered. I'm not blocked on Facebook so I assume he has either blocked me on messenger only or muted me so that my messages go into his message requests inbox. I don't know. I have no idea if he read my message ending things or if it was left on the back of a few drunk, pissed off messages from me that he couldn't be bothered with.

I always assumed he would get back in contact. He was one of those that always came back, but he hasn't, and neither of us has tried to contact the other since. We have been furloughed but are back at work in a couple of weeks.

The advice I need is around seeing him again and going back to work. I am absolutely dreading it. It's been two and a half months since we had any contact but for some reason it all still really stings. He's still on my mind a great deal - I haven't been able to shake off the feelings of humiliation and upset and I don't know why. I feel I handled it badly and let myself down. I feel embarrassed.

I really don't need anyone to tell me that forming relationships with colleagues/younger men/men that just want sex is a bad idea. You cannot criticise me any harder than my own internal voice has. Just give me some pointers on how to return to work with my head high. I've been miserable as sin this past couple of months but I really really don't want him to sense that. My friends aren't much help. They just call me a cougar and tell me to shrug it off. It's really got to me though.

I think frosty is the perfect response. He did something wrong, not you.

Saw him again at work a day or so ago. He approached me to say hello - he said it without any awkwardness, almost affectionately: "Hello Backtowork." I was polite but distant. Then later when nobody was looking he did something silly and flirty to try to make me laugh. I gave a weak smile. He can fuck off.

I know his moves by now and he's gearing up to have another crack at me! That cheeky fucking bastard.

Him being cocky and trying it on again is very predictable. Expect more of the same...

The bottom line is you were invested, as evidence by this thread. Hence being angry.

A weak smile is a decent start. Next time, an eye roll and walking away would be better. Practice those eye rolls, shakes of the head, and bemused detachment. And don’t engage in any 1on1 chat.

Just a bit of a fuckboy knob really isn't he? Consider the fact it all went pear shaped early on to be a blessing in disguise...you could have ended up fairly invested over time. Instead you can see exactly what he's like.

So no regrets OP... knowledge=power! Every time a situation like this either works out, falls apart or resolves itself you figure out a little bit more about yourself and your boundaries I think. Learning curves and character building stuff, you know how it goes. Just don't get sucked in again. Be perfectly civil I'd say, just don't engage or give him any undue attention that he so clearly wants. Are there any more suitable and nice people at work you can spend more time (perhaps a subtle) flirt with? Ha only kidding...sort of. But definitely giving your time and attention to other folk/work pals whilst he's around would be no bad thing.

Yes he is a bit of a fuckboy knob. It's sad really - he's 23 and has never had a proper girlfriend. This is just the way he conducts his sex life. I am angry, and I do see anger as an appropriate response, but I also think showing him too much emotion will just lead him to think he's still 'got' me.

I want to laugh at him. To shake my head and snicker ever so slightly to myself when he tries to switch it all on again. Because he's being ridiculous. The absolute nerve of him! Thinks he can just pick me up and drop me whenever he feels like it.

And without wishing to sound like an arrogant arse, yes there are plenty of blokes at work who wouldn't say no Mooning. No shortage of people to have a subtle flirt with. We work in hospitality. It involves long, hard, and unsociable hours. People enjoy a bit of back and forth to break it all up a bit.

@Backtoworknightmare Just continue to ignore him and don't rise to his baiting. His dropping you and picking you up when it suits him shows an unbelievable sense of entitlement and is narcissistic behaviour.

When he gets no reaction from you, he might try other tactics to get your attention so it will get worse before it gets better. He will get bored soon hopefully and stop bothering you.

Oh op. I get why you’re reacting like this. He’s only 23 and you acted as you did wanting dates etc and he did the not interested bit just a shag in response. Look you need to try to step back and think about this and try to be more dignified in the face of it, even your posts show how deeply obsessed with him you are.

If this was a man posting I’d say the same thing, stay away from him now, act dignified, this is not cool.

@2bazookas

When you see him at work you just nod and say "good morning Jim" . If he ever tries to engage on a personal level , you just shake your head and say " That's history. ".

Especially if his name is not Jim.

LuluJakey1

@Bluntness100

Oh op. I get why you’re reacting like this. He’s only 23 and you acted as you did wanting dates etc and he did the not interested bit just a shag in response. Look you need to try to step back and think about this and try to be more dignified in the face of it, even your posts show how deeply obsessed with him you are.

If this was a man posting I’d say the same thing, stay away from him now, act dignified, this is not cool.

That’s exactly what the OP is interested in doing and that’s actually the whole point of the thread.