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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thinking of leaving DH for this reason...

79 replies

Umberellal · 28/03/2021 11:02

I imagine I may get flamed for this but hear me out.
My husband has gained an awful lot of weight, at last check, his BMI was 38; I have been told that he has always been quite large, apart from when he met me, after he'd lost 6 stone. I didn't know how big he'd been previously for quite some time after we had met, but it didn't bother me when I found out.
I'd always been quite slim (until after marriage) around a size 10-12 at my heaviest.
I am now a size 16- perhaps now a 14, I've been bigger than this since marriage. DH works away and is currently away. He will be away for sometimes weeks at a time. This time it has been around 5 weeks and he's due home next week.
In 5 weeks, I've lost over 1 stone, this regularly happens when he's away as I eat healthily and have no temptations around. Then he comes home again and I pile it all back on. It's a repeated pattern. This time, I've reduced my BMI to 31.5 and I am desperate to get out of the "obese" zone for the sake of my health.
I am absolutely dreading him returning home. I have spoken to him several times about healthier lifetsyles and not bringing junk foods into the house or eating them around me so that I can continue being healthy, but my pleas are unheard. I think DH is addicted to food, but he does not think he has a problem.
I am now considering leaving him. If I mention my feelings around his eating, he accuses me of bullying him about his size, and that just isn't the case at all.
I know DH is not at fault for my weight at all, but I am clearly heavily influenced by his relationship with food and I really do not want to be.
I already have health issues, am at risk of type 2 diabetes after having gestational diabetes and I just don't want this behavior around me anymore.
It has got to a point where I do not want him to come home.
I think I'm looking for assurance, that it's ok for me to leave him because of this?

OP posts:

AlexaNeverListens · 28/03/2021 11:07

Do you love him?
My DP has also put on a lot of weight since I met him due to health problems and his sweet tooth.
I have to try extra hard not to be tempted by the stuff he eats and I exercise regularly.
I wouldn't dream of leaving him because he has sweets in the house or he prefers pizza to salad!
I think there must be other underlying issues that you haven't mentioned??

Original poster

Umberellal · 28/03/2021 11:10

No. Just a huge desire to live a healthy lifestyle. It is a huge part of my life.

I have largely fallen out of love with him because of this.

I would say his decisions have impacted other areas of our relationship: he does not enjoy sex as much anymore, won't take DCs swimming, covers himself up on holidays, eats to a point of fullness that he has stomach cramps and will say "don't touch me" when I haven't seen him or cuddled him for weeks.

It's affected everything.

OP posts:

Cherrytree1621 · 28/03/2021 11:13

I'm pretty sure, you control what goes into your mouth and how much excercise you do etc..
I've been with my dp olfor 10 years and we both have put on weight but there's no way I would blame him for the weight I've put on.

Palavah · 28/03/2021 11:13

Yanbu. If it were alcohol rather than food you would have to get out.

Butterfly44 · 28/03/2021 11:18

Two issues here. You can eat separately - why do you have to eat the same? Carry on with the healthy lifestyle you want. Secondly, if you have fallen out of love then there isn't much hope, especially as you're not looking forward to him returning home. Best to look at parting ways I'd say.

Maray1967 · 28/03/2021 11:18

How about simply binning the garbage or, better, if it’s in unopened packets eg packets of biscuits, chocolates, taking to a food bank drop off collection? I would gather it up , put it my car if you’ve got your own and take it straight to the Tesco food bank drop off when I next go shopping. I did this after Christmas with the avalanche of chocolates and boxes of nice biscuits we were given by extended family who know we are both trying to lose weight ... I would make it clear that I don’t want this food in the house in the same way that a recovering alcoholic wouldn’t want drink in the house. He can keep the stuff in his car if he won’t stop eating it it himself. This won’t fix how you feel about him but it might at least help you avoid derailing your own weight loss.

qwertyl · 28/03/2021 11:19

What palava said, food addiction is never treated the same way as alcohol addiction but often the underlying issues and feelings it causes are similar. YANBU at all.

Original poster

Umberellal · 28/03/2021 11:33

@maray1967 I did this at Christmas too! He was livid.
Accused me of throwing money down the drain by giving all the junk food he'd bought away, so cant even do that.
When he's not here, there is no junk in the house as I love sugar so would eat it if it was here!
If its there, I will eat it.
I've read numerous books over lockdown around the psychology of eating and how it's very normal to want to consume calorie dense foods as we haven't quite evolutionised to the vast quantities of easily obtainable high calorie food in the modern world and are still endeavouring to store fat like our ancestors had to.
For me, the food has to be out of the house so I don't eat it. Some may call this an eating disorder I guess, but from what I've read it's quite normal.

I'm not sure if he eats these food around me purposely as I've repeatedly asked him not to. But he would argue that he's very right to consume what he likes in his own sitting room. Fair point.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 28/03/2021 12:32

What he chooses to buy and eat is not your responsibility. And if you choose to eat it as well, that's your decision, not his; he isn't forcing it down your throat.

It's comparable to where an alcoholic insists that their partner has to go completely teetotal, else it's the partner's fault that they are drinking; it's blaming somebody else and refusing to take responsibility for their own behaviour..

If you wish to split up, then split up. But it's not down to him forcing you to put on weight.

Original poster

Umberellal · 28/03/2021 12:37

I fully acknowledge that it's not his "fault" if I choose to eat specific foods and gain weight. Please read properly.
I am saying that this lifestyle is negatively impacting me and I'm therefore considering the end of this marriage.
There are some excellent resources out there on the psychology of eating and how we are impacted by the way people around us live. It would be worth looking into these sources before casting judgements.

OP posts:

LeroyJenkinssss · 28/03/2021 12:48

You are free to leave for whatever reason you choose. Coming at the alcoholic partner point of view from a different perspective than a PP, I would think really badly of a person who insisted on having alcohol in the house despite their partner being recovering alcoholic - surely you support your partner and want the best for them?

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 28/03/2021 13:08

@Umberellal

I fully acknowledge that it's not his "fault" if I choose to eat specific foods and gain weight. Please read properly. I am saying that this lifestyle is negatively impacting me and I'm therefore considering the end of this marriage. There are some excellent resources out there on the psychology of eating and how we are impacted by the way people around us live. It would be worth looking into these sources before casting judgements.

Oh, right.

I'm a fat bastard. I don't need any books or snippy little paragraphs on the internet by people flogging diet-but-not-diet-because-you-can-still-have-cake books to make out it's anything but my decision what and how much to eat. As it is, I know my main drivers and have identified deliberate attempts to sabotage weightloss in previous relationships.

You can keep telling yourself that it's not your fault and the things just fall into your mouth because he puts them there until the cows come home, but perhaps you could consider whether you're actually choosing to eat those things because you're using them to swallow down anger/resentment/not being able to say it's over when he's in the same house, not because he's responsible for what you choose to eat?

justawoman · 28/03/2021 13:14

I used to be fat and now I’m not. I’ve kept the weight off for three years and counting. Not having sugar and junk food in the house is absolutely key for me too, OP, ignore the naysayers. As you say, there are good evolutionary reasons why it is, if not absolutely irresistible, then very hard for many/most of us to avoid eating if it’s there.

justawoman · 28/03/2021 13:14

That should be ‘avoid eating it if it’s there’. Obviously I still eat!

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 28/03/2021 13:27

It seems to me that you have a sugar/processed food addiction as do I.
I'm a normal weight now but have to stay away from these foods as I go through cycles of over eating, which feel horrible.
My husband and children still eat sugar and it's not possible for me to ban it from the house at the moment. I lock away all of the crap food and only my husband and children know the combination codes.
I also eat low carb high fat with lots of health veg which keeps me satisfied and has now eliminated cravings.
I never even have a taste of foods that can trigger over eating now as it can cause long food binges.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 28/03/2021 13:33

@LeroyJenkinssss

I've had an alcoholic ex.

It was worse than that - the only alcohol in the house would be what he had hidden - the control extended to demands I didn't eat supermarket sushi at work because sake and mirin was used in the seasoning, being expected to never eat another mince pie, to not use alcohol wipes on injection sites, to not having vinegar or miso because they were fermented foods. Because if I had one of those things out of the house, it was therefore my fault that he had drunk 5 cans of Tennents Extra by 10am. As if my salmon maki last Wednesday would have any bearing upon that. Of course it was drunkenly screamed at me didn't I want what was best for him and didn't I care I was literally killing him through the medium of yakitori chicken?

I did a hell of a lot of trying to get as much food down me as possible to try and stifle the FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF YOU CUNT in my head. Eventually, I decided not to. And told him to fuck off.

Life's far, far better now. Still a (slightly less) fat bastard. But at least nobody else is policing my choices - my now-DP has what he wants, cooks what I want, we're fine. And the sushi I ate every day for about six months after getting rid tasted fucking amazing. Lost five stone for free in the process, too.

Okbussitout · 28/03/2021 14:03

What is your relationship like otherwise? You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you want.

It doesn't sound like you have much respect for him and you sound quite blameful of him so maybe leaving would be best?

Okbussitout · 28/03/2021 14:05

He does have a right to eat what he wants in his own home. So it's sounding like you're just not compatible over this issue.

TedMullins · 28/03/2021 14:10

You can leave for any reason you like and if his behaviour and eating habits have changed the way you feel about him then of course you’re entitled to separate. But you need to take responsibility for what you choose to put in your mouth. For someone so invested in the psychology of eating you seem very keen to lay the blame at his feet for you eating junk rather than tackling the underlying reasons you can’t resist it.

N4m3Change · 28/03/2021 14:14

Sounds like you just need to up your will power to eating crap when he comes home ti be honest.

You should talk to him about your feelings and what it is your planning on doing if he doesn’t take notice of them. If he wants to eat and eat and eat and hes happy with doing that then thats his choice to make, if he wants to work on getting your love life and relationship back on track then he needs to compromise.

LaceyBetty · 28/03/2021 14:21

I easily see how this could make me fall out of love with someone. Agree with posters comparing it to alcohol abuse. His choices are impacting your life in a seriously negative way.

justawoman · 28/03/2021 14:27

Willpower has been shown to be crap by the latest psychological research. Now it’s all about building healthy habits and reducing the situations and opportunities to engage in unhealthy ones.

Original poster

Umberellal · 28/03/2021 14:27

@justawoman hallelujah.
Someone knows.
These perceptions are the reason there is an obesity crisis in the first place.
Please read some material... start with a Dr Chatterjee podcast or something, just something.
"JUST up your will power" has me weeping with frustration.

OP posts:

Original poster

Umberellal · 28/03/2021 14:28

@justawoman the majority of my last post was not to you by the way- to the majority here.

Well done for losing your weight and keeping it off... hoping to be where you are very soon.

OP posts:

justawoman · 28/03/2021 14:30

High fat low carb is what worked/ works for me, as a PP said. It’s all about reducing the cravings and feeling satisfied.

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