Thinking of leaving DH for this reason...

[Umberellal]

I imagine I may get flamed for this but hear me out.
My husband has gained an awful lot of weight, at last check, his BMI was 38; I have been told that he has always been quite large, apart from when he met me, after he'd lost 6 stone. I didn't know how big he'd been previously for quite some time after we had met, but it didn't bother me when I found out.
I'd always been quite slim (until after marriage) around a size 10-12 at my heaviest.
I am now a size 16- perhaps now a 14, I've been bigger than this since marriage. DH works away and is currently away. He will be away for sometimes weeks at a time. This time it has been around 5 weeks and he's due home next week.
In 5 weeks, I've lost over 1 stone, this regularly happens when he's away as I eat healthily and have no temptations around. Then he comes home again and I pile it all back on. It's a repeated pattern. This time, I've reduced my BMI to 31.5 and I am desperate to get out of the "obese" zone for the sake of my health.
I am absolutely dreading him returning home. I have spoken to him several times about healthier lifetsyles and not bringing junk foods into the house or eating them around me so that I can continue being healthy, but my pleas are unheard. I think DH is addicted to food, but he does not think he has a problem.
I am now considering leaving him. If I mention my feelings around his eating, he accuses me of bullying him about his size, and that just isn't the case at all.
I know DH is not at fault for my weight at all, but I am clearly heavily influenced by his relationship with food and I really do not want to be.
I already have health issues, am at risk of type 2 diabetes after having gestational diabetes and I just don't want this behavior around me anymore.
It has got to a point where I do not want him to come home.
I think I'm looking for assurance, that it's ok for me to leave him because of this?

I got that bit of your last post wasn’t aimed at me, btw! I too get frustrated at the attitude of it’s all about willpower.

Also doing low carb, high fat @justawoman feel a lot better.
DH adores carbs.
There will be crusty baguettes and all sorts in my house this time next week 🤯

Basically in your home their are two addicts*. One has accepted they are an addict and is trying to take steps to move on from the addiction and one that hasn’t. The one that has keeps getting pulled back into addictive behaviour by the other.

*A large proportion of this country exhibit addictive behaviour around food. Myself included - I am a healthy weight, exercise daily, eat sensibly. But one bite of chocolate and I am pulling the kitchen apart looking for MORE.

A relationship of two addicts at different stages of recovery is always going to be very problematic.

Of course it’s ok to leave him for this. It’s sounds as if you’ve fallen out of love with him, and that’s absolutely ok. It happens. I know a friend who broke up with her DP for very similar reasons, and he had no desire to change despite her attempts to save it, and it was bringing her down, it was the best thing she could do for herself.

Yeah, I see your point actually OP. I suppose telling someone to use their ‘will power’ is the same as telling someone with depression to ‘just cheer up’ so im sorry I said that. I take it back.

I think you do need the speak to your OH though, and if he doesnt listen then you should do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself in a happy place again. You leaving might just give him the kick up the bun he needs and sort himself out. X

Bum, not bun 🤣

Are there any children involved, picking up terrible good habits from this? To be honest if there aren't and you've clearly lost respect for him and would be happier living apart then just split. You can leave for any reason you wish, you don't need Mumsnet or anyone else to justify it. If there are children involved it makes it more difficult but it he's away as much as you say and is a bad influence when back, and you don't get on, then again just split.

Good=food obviously

If everyone ended their marriage because of weight gain, there’s be a hell of a lot of divorces happening right now after lockdown. You need to take a long hard look at this situation because weight gain isn’t always just because of temptations in the house. It’s often due to low self esteem and anxiety.

No flaming from me OP because I totally get where you're coming from. I love food too and when my obese OH buys packets of biscuits, crisps and sweets and eats them in front of me I weaken and start eating them too. If he's working away I eat far more healthily. I think it's massively insulting to tell someone to sit and watch their partner eating all sorts of things you'd love to eat but want to resist and, yes, it is tantamount to telling someone with depression to just cheer up or an alcoholic to just stop drinking. If it were that easy the huge diet and wellness industry wouldn't exist!

You can leave a partner for any reason and this one seems as good as any to me if your partner can't or won't address his issues and, by extension, the effect they are having on you.

I’m really sorry, but what you eat us down to you. My mum met my Dad when he’d just lost a lot of weight. But over their marriage (50 years so far and counting) Dad piled it on. He was 28 stone at one point. The house is full of food. Mum has never weighed more than 8sf 5, except when pregnant.

I just lost 4 stone on WW. I live with a potato-addicted, beer-drinking 6’ 3” giant, and my two sugar-loving teenage boys. Our house is full of snacks, crisps, booze.. I just bought my own lighter stuff and ate that instead.

It’s not his fault.

I agree it’s probably resentment.

DH has problems with food, I can buy treats for others and not eat them, he can't. So I have stopped buying anything naughty. As he doesn't do the shopping, I control what comes into the house. This has helped us both, I am sure on the odd occasion he goes out he buys junk, but I will not have it in the house anymore.

My Aunt had a saying “you don’t get fat in the house, you get fat in the supermarket”. Your situation reminds me of this. If it’s not there, you don’t eat it.

If he's stuffing himself to the point where he has stomach cramps, he sounds gross.
It sounds like you feel repelled by him. If you find it easier to lose weight when he's not around, that's a bonus.

I would agree with your post @Mumoftwoinprimary

I probably am a sugar addict in recovery.

@Mumoftwoinprimary is right.
When people go through addiction programmes for alcohol/drugs etc one of the primary tools for staying "clean" is to change your social circle to people who didn't join in with your addictive behaviour and stay single for at least a year if your single starting.
This is based on decades of research that who we are surrounded by massively impacts our behaviours and the closer the relationship the more influenced we are.
I am fat and my DH is about 10lbs overweight now with lockdown. When he can get back into activity he enjoys again he will lose that in a fortnight.
I need to do low carb and be rigid about it to lose weight and for health reasons even when slim need to stay away from sugar.
He hides the biscuits/chocolate he brings in to the house for the twice a week he would like something with his cup of tea.
If he cooks for us he will do courgette /broccoli/salad for me and potatoes for himself etc.
That's because he doesn't share in my addiction, can take or leave chocolate etc.
So he can be supportive of me trying to say "off" sugar because it doesn't shine a light on his own self perceived shameful behaviour.
It seems like your DH was an addict who got you hooked and now your trying to get clean he's gaslighting you that his way is normal.
You can leave a marriage for any reason at all, but if it helps I think this is probably a good one.

Thanks @N4m3Change
I really appreciate your latest post.

I'd be safeguarding my health and happiness and leaving. In an ideal world you'd be able to resist the food but this isn't an ideal world and you seem to have put on a lot of weight during your marriage. You only get one life and it's better not to spend it dreading your husband's return and getting diabetes. Life with him does not sound like a lot of fun.

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from. You have grown apart and health is now more important to you than he is. TBH, why would you, as a health conscious woman, want to be saddled with someone who is eating himself into ill health or an early grave? You can’t change his habits, however, only he can do that, so you just have to ask yourself if you still love him. Do you want to be with him? How does your future together look? What about your DC, how will your separation affect them? Does he repulse you? You need to answer these questions honestly.

Honestly OP, if you're unhappy then that's reason enough to leave. You don't need permission from anyone, and you don't need to justify it.

So do what you need to do. And good luck in your new life!

You wouldn't be the first one.
Friend from work - she & her husband were both carrying substantial extra weight after all their kids came along (not unusual!).
She eventually took up exercise and healthy eating and lost the weight and - he didn't - the marriage didn't survive - I think once a person's outlook has shifted into really accepting that being v heavily overweight has serious long-term health consequences, it's hard to look at a spouse who's still merrily heading towards leaving the kids short a parent and feel the same way about them.

It's a crap situation to be in though and society doesn't make it easy.

You can leave for any reason or no reason at all.

But if you do leave over the 'food issue' remember that you're leaving not because of what he's bringing home to eat, but because you can't stop yourself from eating it. So put the 'blame' (for lack of a better word) on yourself not on him. It's his home he's entitled to eat whatever he wants even if he's killing himself in the process. If you lack the 'willpower' to not eat it that's on you.

And I'm speaking as a 'semi-recovered' food addict. I'll always have 'trigger foods' but now I'm aware of them and have learnt to deal with them. It wasn't easy and I'm not perfect at it, but those foods no longer control me.

@AcrossthePond55

Why should the OP place blame on anyone? She's free to leave her partner if she wishes without blaming or being blamed. If he brings no joy to her life she is quite within her rights to leave him. I don't think apportioning blame is appropriate here and feel that you are projecting.

Well done for partially conquering your own addiction but, as you say, you've only partially managed it since you still have 'trigger foods'.

YANBU at all, if it was any other addiction (alcohol, smoking, gambling, drugs) nobody would even be questioning it. Aside from your personal relationship with food your husband has an addiction which is impacting many other aspects of your relationship and lives (sex, taking the kids out, his mood), and you're now unsure you want to continue to stay married. That's totally fair enough.

[quote MiaChia]@AcrossthePond55

Why should the OP place blame on anyone? She's free to leave her partner if she wishes without blaming or being blamed. If he brings no joy to her life she is quite within her rights to leave him. I don't think apportioning blame is appropriate here and feel that you are projecting.

Well done for partially conquering your own addiction but, as you say, you've only partially managed it since you still have 'trigger foods'.[/quote]
My point was quite the opposite of 'blaming'. It was pointing out that we are each responsible for our own choices. That's not blaming, that's simply the truth. The OP is blaming her husband for bringing the food in. I'm saying he is not to blame and that she is responsible for making her own actions.

Only partially managed it? I've been at a 'normal' weight range for over 20 years. I'd say I've got it nailed. Knowing and managing one's foods, trigger or not, IS conquering it.