Thinking of leaving DH for this reason...

[Umberellal]

I imagine I may get flamed for this but hear me out.
My husband has gained an awful lot of weight, at last check, his BMI was 38; I have been told that he has always been quite large, apart from when he met me, after he'd lost 6 stone. I didn't know how big he'd been previously for quite some time after we had met, but it didn't bother me when I found out.
I'd always been quite slim (until after marriage) around a size 10-12 at my heaviest.
I am now a size 16- perhaps now a 14, I've been bigger than this since marriage. DH works away and is currently away. He will be away for sometimes weeks at a time. This time it has been around 5 weeks and he's due home next week.
In 5 weeks, I've lost over 1 stone, this regularly happens when he's away as I eat healthily and have no temptations around. Then he comes home again and I pile it all back on. It's a repeated pattern. This time, I've reduced my BMI to 31.5 and I am desperate to get out of the "obese" zone for the sake of my health.
I am absolutely dreading him returning home. I have spoken to him several times about healthier lifetsyles and not bringing junk foods into the house or eating them around me so that I can continue being healthy, but my pleas are unheard. I think DH is addicted to food, but he does not think he has a problem.
I am now considering leaving him. If I mention my feelings around his eating, he accuses me of bullying him about his size, and that just isn't the case at all.
I know DH is not at fault for my weight at all, but I am clearly heavily influenced by his relationship with food and I really do not want to be.
I already have health issues, am at risk of type 2 diabetes after having gestational diabetes and I just don't want this behavior around me anymore.
It has got to a point where I do not want him to come home.
I think I'm looking for assurance, that it's ok for me to leave him because of this?

You used the word blame so I assumed you meant what you’d written? Surely you are more like an alcoholic who takes each day at a time if you still have ‘trigger foods’? I’ve apparently overcome anorexia but I still don’t think that I’m completely over it. I’m a normal, healthy weight certainly, but I still believe I have an eating disorder which could reappear one day in the future.

It’s harder in some ways when food, either over eating or under eating is your problem. You can live without a single alcoholic drink but no one can survive without food.

@MiaChia

You used the word blame so I assumed you meant what you’d written? Surely you are more like an alcoholic who takes each day at a time if you still have ‘trigger foods’? I’ve apparently overcome anorexia but I still don’t think that I’m completely over it. I’m a normal, healthy weight certainly, but I still believe I have an eating disorder which could reappear one day in the future.

It’s harder in some ways when food, either over eating or under eating is your problem. You can live without a single alcoholic drink but no one can survive without food.

No, I'm a 'recovered' bulimic/anorexic, so like you I tend to be on alert. And any eating disorder is like alcoholism in a way. It's a coping mechanism and something that can reoccur given the right (psychological) circumstances and a moment of weakness.

My 'trigger foods', unlike alcohol, are not foods I can never eat because they send me into a gorging cycle. They're foods that I tend to eat more of than is healthy for me and cause me to gain weight. I avoid them for that reason IF I'm feeling particularly 'weak' as to portion size.

As he is not actually shoving food down your throat or forcing you to eat then yabu to leave him simply because he likes to eat a lot/ bring food into the house.
You need to work on your willpower.

@mummylovesthesunshine

As he is not actually shoving food down your throat or forcing you to eat then yabu to leave him simply because he likes to eat a lot/ bring food into the house. You need to work on your willpower.

Would you say that to a newly recovering drug addict whose partner was shooting up next to her?

The Op has an addiction that is going to shorten her life if she doesn’t get it under control. It will be very difficult for her to do that while living with her husband sadly so leaving him is the only solution she has.

I would say his decisions have impacted other areas of our relationship: he does not enjoy sex as much anymore, won't take DCs swimming, covers himself up on holidays, eats to a point of fullness that he has stomach cramps and will say "don't touch me" when I haven't seen him or cuddled him for weeks.

He doesnt make you happy. He gets narky with you when you try to create healthier habits. You're happier when he isn't there and dread him coming home. And continuing this lifestyle will shorten your life. Time to leave id say.

My only concern would be his influence over the children’s food / habits / lifestyle.

@mummylovesthesunshine

As he is not actually shoving food down your throat or forcing you to eat then yabu to leave him simply because he likes to eat a lot/ bring food into the house. You need to work on your willpower.

She can leave him for any reason. Anyway, have you not read that this goes beyond just her not wanting the food in the house? It's effecting their whole relationship and her life.

@Umberellal

No. Just a huge desire to live a healthy lifestyle. It is a huge part of my life.

I have largely fallen out of love with him because of this.

I would say his decisions have impacted other areas of our relationship: he does not enjoy sex as much anymore, won't take DCs swimming, covers himself up on holidays, eats to a point of fullness that he has stomach cramps and will say "don't touch me" when I haven't seen him or cuddled him for weeks.

It's affected everything.

Why can't you still eat healthy? Surely you can stick to your diet which is keeping you happy and let him eat what he wants to let him by happy. I fail to see why what he eats stops you eating healthy

@HalzTangz he won't let her touch him because he eats himself sick! No way would I stay with a man who does that. He can do what he wants, sure, but there may be consequences including a relationship breakdown.

Would you say that to a newly recovering drug addict whose partner was shooting up next to her?

Should I have given up my painkilling medication, prescribed to me for an ongoing condition? After all, if it wasn't locked in a box, he was guaranteed to help himself and deny it/if proven without a doubt 'well, what do you expect me to do, it's your own fault for bringing codeine into the house?'.

By extension, all cancer patients who have spouses with addiction issues should be refused prescriptions. Just because 'well, OK, you're in absolute agony, but you're just going to have to deal with that because it's not fair to have pain relief around whilst there's somebody around who finds free morphine remarkably moreish'.

@Maray1967

How about simply binning the garbage or, better, if it’s in unopened packets eg packets of biscuits, chocolates, taking to a food bank drop off collection? I would gather it up , put it my car if you’ve got your own and take it straight to the Tesco food bank drop off when I next go shopping. I did this after Christmas with the avalanche of chocolates and boxes of nice biscuits we were given by extended family who know we are both trying to lose weight ... I would make it clear that I don’t want this food in the house in the same way that a recovering alcoholic wouldn’t want drink in the house. He can keep the stuff in his car if he won’t stop eating it it himself. This won’t fix how you feel about him but it might at least help you avoid derailing your own weight loss.

Controlling much?

It's his house as well, if her DH buys food for himself, she has no right to throw it out, just as he has no right to throw out the food she has bought.

Sorry you are going through this OP

Could it be that you have grown apart from each other, and this is just a (or the most obvious) symptom of it? Or is this really a make or break thing for you?

I was a normal weight before I had the DC, DP has always been big (tall & heavy) but always had loads of energy. Since then I've put on 3 stone - medical reasons and general exhaustion! - and DP has probably put on 2. However, now the DC are a bit older and it's easier to take them out and about, I'm really making an effort to keep active and try to lose weight myself. DP... just doesn't/ wouldn't bother if it was up to him he'd stick them in front of the TV or playing computer games all day so he could put his feet up and do nothing. At weekends it feels like such an uphill struggle to force him out of the door and actually doing something with us, but it's the only time the DC really get to see him, and they're so disappointed when he doesn't want to play with them at the park or won't let them ride their bikes too far as he can't keep up.

Honestly? I don't know the answer, it depends if it's a deal breaker for you. I'm trying to get round it by involving the DC in as much sport and exercise as possible (and bringing DP whenever I can), cooking as healthily as I can - difficult as DP whinges that he doesn't like various things and/ or hoovers up everyone's leftovers - and generally working round his reluctance to change as much as I can. Sad to say I think he does want to lose weight, but he's not willing to change any of his habits, so what can I do?!

To be honest op it sounds like u need help with your relationship with food more than anything.

Either accept him for who he is fat and all, or move on. You can't force people into getting help unfortunately.

I think you're doing the right thing.

You both are addicts and suffer from some kind of disordered eating. You are taking steps to address it and remove temptation for it because that's what you need to do.
He is not at that stage, therefore living with him is not good for you.
It's no ones fault, it just isn't good for you.

Why can't you still eat healthy? Surely you can stick to your diet which is keeping you happy and let him eat what he wants to let him by happy. I fail to see why what he eats stops you eating healthy

She's already explained why. It's not that difficult to understand.
She suffers from the same thing that many other binge eaters/disordered eaters/food addicts whatever you want to call them and is unable to stop herself from eating the unhealthy food when she knows it's there.

Yanbu. Sounds like your marriage isn't in a good place anyway. If you're not in love them that is sufficient to call it quits.

Yanbu and getting an unfairly hard time on here. Seems to me you are perfectly capable of resisting unhealthy food if left to your own devices, but are being thwarted. Yes, it would be wonderful if we could all stand firm in the face of temptation, but most of us can’t or don’t for complex reasons.

So unhelpful to keep repeating that the op is responsible for her eating habits. She knows this, but also knows that she is being prevented from putting into practice steps that help her.

No, I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to leave a relationship that has you acting in a way that makes you unhappy or seriously dissatisfied.

Have you spoken to a doctor or therapist about your food habits?
Whether the food is there or not, it shouldn't matter, of course it will be much harder as it is to hand, but it is you that controls what you eat at the end of the day, but it doesn't sound like you can control it and therapy may be a good option to try if you haven't already. They can help you with your relationship with food and also make sure you don't go the opposite way and completely obsess over food that you restrict it too much.

You can do diets like 5:2, Slimming World, Weight Watchers and even just calorie counting or smaller portions. But then you need to learn to keep the weight off.

I completely understand what you are saying, my partner gets cravings when there isn't much in the house and will have to go buy something, which makes me want something too usually or if I'm trying to loose weight he will buy me some chocolate to cheer me up, as I get grumpy and probably quite hard to live with sometimes.

I definitely think therapy would benefit you, if you improve your habits/addiction, it may encourage him too, if he sees how happy you are. But it would benefit you whether you stay with him or not.

If you don't love him anymore and there are other things and issues going on, of course you can leave him, correct me if I'm wrong but I feel you are looking for a valid reason to leave, whereas it may just be because you don't love him anymore or you just aren't happy in the relationship.

I hope you can get to a weight you are happy with and learn to control your cravings, whether you leave your partner or not, I just hope you can both be happy, but it sounds like he may need some help too.

It sounds like your Husband is addicted to junk food,., and must by now, know how bad it is for him and his health. He knows full well, that his heavy weight will affect his sex life, and that he always covers his body all the time..

You can't really be telling him, to stop bringing junk food into your home., but you can avoid eating any of it, and then continue with your own healthy eating plans. It's no use trying to badger a person into giving up junk food, as they will get annoyed about comments to do so. it's no use telling a person that they will become ill sooner or later,or even die, with being grossly over weight.

Some people will need help if they have food issues that they cannot tackle themselves,and will always think that they don't need help, and convince themselves, that they don't have a problem, until they start to get ill, and doing normal things in life, begins to take it's toll on them.

I don't think I would leave a Husband for this reason,, but would not much like to be around someone who is not attractive anymore,, but would hope that he is willing to turn a corner, and do something to improve himself. But you may have other reasons for wanting to leave of course.

You don’t sound like you like your DH very much, never mind love him?

It’s a really big deal to end a marriage, especially when dcs are involved. I don’t know if you’ve done so, but I think you should have a talk with him, and tell him how you’re feeling and that you’re thinking of leaving.

I've always been glad that I separated from the love of my life as we both loved to drink.

Hi op. When I want to lose weight, I just stop eating all of the things I shouldn't be eating rather than trying to control portion size.

It is hard and my ex used to eat lots of chocolate and biscuits in the evenings but I found it easier just to not even start. Hard to begin with but you get used to them.

Now that we've split, it's the same but with kids. I have snacks in because of them but if I'm losing weight I stop eating them completely.

I personally wouldn't split from someone I loved for that but his weight is affecting your relationship and his parenting so he should try and deal with it.

To be honest the junk food sounds like an excuse, your an adult, you choose what you put in your mouth. You’ve admitted you don’t love him, your interests aren’t the same, you no longer have anything in common- that is good enough reason to leave.

You’ve fallen out of love for him, that’s what you said. It doesn’t matter why you’re feeling that way, and you don’t need to justify it to yourself or anyone else. You don’t have to stay in a relationship you don’t want to stay in, and if you think you don’t want to be in it because he’s obese and unattractive to you, and you have different lifestyle expectations that’s perfectly ok. If you met him today would you be attracted to him emotionally and physically? If not then it’s probably not the relationship for you as you’ll be staying because you think you should, or because you’d be a bad person to leave, neither of which are good reasons to stay with someone.

I don’t think the problem is you DHs addiction to food, although clearly he probably has one, the problem is YOUR addiction to food.

My husband has a good addiction, at his highest weight he was 32 stone. He’s had gastric sleeve surgery and has lost a lot. But it hasn’t fixed his addiction. Me....despite his eating issues I have been slim for most of our marriage...with a small gap of being overweight following a back to back pregnancy (2 kids 18 months apart).

It’s time to reframe your outlook...and stop blaming your DH for your food issues. If you want to leave him for the other reasons then that is okay and not unreasonable at all. But don’t blame him for you being fat.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm a recovering alcoholic and, although my DD sometimes has alcohol in the house, it's in her room and very definitely "hers". I could probably deal with it unopened in the kitchen, as I have many years of sobriety but quite frankly, it's not worth the risk. I'm addictive by nature and it's markedly different from willpower, but almost impossible to explain to someone who isn't. I go by a mantra that whatever I buy which are, or could be, trigger foods, I'm likely to eat in one sitting and want more, and feel again like the old alcoholic me but without the alcohol. We say in AA that we "use" other things instead of drink. Maybe complex therapy would unravel all this, but the fact is that I'm perfectly ok as it is - DD is 23 and we buy our own food in the main, and she knows that I wouldn't steal hers (ok, on rare occasions I have but only when I know I can replace it very quickly before discovery).

You're not unreasonable at all to want to leave.