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Original poster

Shaken up after argument with DP, what the hell just happened?

118 replies

Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:35

Long term partner (5 years) with whom I have young children. The relationship isn't fantastic to be honest but he's never made me nervous before. He has form for being shit at communicating.

Backstory: I met him just over a year after I left a very abusive (In all senses) relationship which I still carry alot of trauma from. He knows all about it. That man left me in alot of debt, deliberately, and I'm still picking up the pieces now.

I was sat with toddler DD as she was watching nursery rhymes on YouTube, she was listening to a song called "don't open the door to strangers"

I joked to DP that I wish he wouldn't open the door to strangers without checking who it was first as one day it might be a debt collector. It was totally lighthearted.

He immediately got pissed off and started ranting about how he can open the door when he likes (the house is in my name by the way)

I was taken aback and said he was being ridiculous and asked why he was getting so angry.

Cue more ranting about how asking him to check who's at the door before opening it is treating him like a child and how bailiffs can't enter your property anyway Hmm

I said It was a lighthearted joke and he's over reacting so I don't want to continue the conversation. He's still pissed off and storms out to go to work, swearing as he leaves the garden.

He just blew up out of nowhere.

Before anybody suggests it's because he's pissed off about my debt, he has had debt of his own in the past so it's definitely not that.

Can you help me understand what on earth that was about?

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 27/03/2021 22:39

I think there’s wrong on both sides, your comment was a bit random, and I’m guessing he thought you were “nagging” him. But you’re right, his reaction was disproportionate. You can’t have some guy swearing and storming around in your child’s home

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:45

@wingsnthat

I think there’s wrong on both sides, your comment was a bit random, and I’m guessing he thought you were “nagging” him. But you’re right, his reaction was disproportionate. You can’t have some guy swearing and storming around in your child’s home
Thank you, I think you're right in that he thought I was nagging him. I really wasn't and I did tell him several times it was a joke. Probably a bad one in hindsight.

He's definitely entitled to express annoyance, it's just the anger and swearing I'm struggling with. It blindsided me a bit.

I don't know whether to trust my judgement as I'm probably a bit more sensitive to shouty men than others without my history would be.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 22:45

He has more debt now. And he hasn't told you about it by the sounds of things.

MarshmallowAra · 27/03/2021 22:47

With your circumstances, I&d see it as a joke ... His reaction seems totally over the top and aggressive.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:47

@Wanderlusto

He has more debt now. And he hasn't told you about it by the sounds of things.
God I hope not.

The reaction was just so strange. I haven't listed everything he said in my OP as it would be too long but he's was off on a tangent about what would happen if one came to the door and he opened it refusing entry etc.

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 27/03/2021 22:47

A good parent doesn’t start swearing and ranting and raving in front of their toddler, as obv it will make the toddler feel scared/uncomfortable. His reaction wasn’t okay, regardless of your “bad” joke

Jobsharenightmare · 27/03/2021 22:49

My feeling is that he is angry about something real/else possibly but this triggered him to let it out. Could he be in more debt or is he feeling resentment towards you for something?

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:49

@MarshmallowAra

With your circumstances, I&d see it as a joke ... His reaction seems totally over the top and aggressive.
Yes quite Sad

My mum was here at the time and he thought nothing of blowing up infront of her. She said she didn't recognise him as the person she knows.

OP posts:
Ohnomoreno · 27/03/2021 22:50

Yeah he's got a debt problem. The pissy reaction, well that happens, he didn't swear in kids earshot I assume. But it obviously stung him. Not a re quite what you do other than try to find out and avoid any joint credit.

Wanderlusto · 27/03/2021 22:50

Check your assets. Something is going on.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:50

@Jobsharenightmare

My feeling is that he is angry about something real/else possibly but this triggered him to let it out. Could he be in more debt or is he feeling resentment towards you for something?
Possibly. The reaction is so out of proportion to the situation.

As I touched on in my OP he's a terrible communicator. He stews on things and doesn't discuss anything so this could be a gradual build up of other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:52

@Ohnomoreno

Yeah he's got a debt problem. The pissy reaction, well that happens, he didn't swear in kids earshot I assume. But it obviously stung him. Not a re quite what you do other than try to find out and avoid any joint credit.
He did swear infront of DD yes.

We don't have joined finances but if he is in more debt then it could adversely impact me as he lives here.

OP posts:
InkyOctopus · 27/03/2021 22:53

I don’t understand your comment. It’s not funny and sounds quite passive aggressive.

I understand his response. He’s in a lot of debt.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:59

@InkyOctopus

I don’t understand your comment. It’s not funny and sounds quite passive aggressive.

I understand his response. He’s in a lot of debt.

It certainly wasn't meant that way, though that being said would it really be unreasonable for me to not want the door opened to debt collectors? Confused

It was only Friday I was on the phone making a payment for one of the debts so it's still fresh in my mind.

When I sought advice about handling the debt after leaving my ex the first thing I was told was "do not open the door, don't have your car on the drive"

I'm considered vulnerable due to my mental health, another result of that relationship, so I don't think that's too much of a request to make is it? If I was being serious in the first place.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 27/03/2021 23:00

You definitely triggered a guilty reaction- I suspect his debt isn’t maybe as under control As he likes you to think

wingsnthat · 27/03/2021 23:03

Yeah it does sound like you hit a nerve

He sounds well versed on bailiffs and debt collectors, probably been researching online. Which isn’t shady in itself, but could an escalating debt have triggered him into look it up recently perhaps?

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:05

Those of you who suspect this is about his debt may be right, I certainly didn't consider that before posting but it would make sense.

Whatever the reasoning for the outburst I can't have this happening again, it really shook me up.

OP posts:
ZiggyBaby · 27/03/2021 23:06

It was a passive aggressive comment on your part tbf.

Onthedunes · 27/03/2021 23:08

You humiliated him in front of your mother.

His response was too much.

You are not matched.
Advice .... leave the passive aggresive jokes for when you are not in company or find someone who does not create debt.

XiCi · 27/03/2021 23:08

Firstly, your comment is a really odd thing to say!
From his reaction I would say he has more debt than you think and it really touched a nerve

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:09

@ZiggyBaby

It was a passive aggressive comment on your part tbf.
He obviously took it that way, but even if I weren't being lighthearted I fail to see how he could take offence from me asking him not to open the door to debt collectors about my debt Confused

The house is in my name and the debt I was referring to is in my name (and that of my ex)

It has nothing to do with him whatsoever and if I don't want him opening the door to anybody who comes knocking about it (they haven't yet) then that's my right to request.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:11

As above, there was no passive aggression because I'm the one in debt! As far as I'm aware he has none, and what he did have was cleared a couple of years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:12

Humiliated him? Absolutely not. I would never intentionally do that.

If anything I was poking fun at myself for my own debt.

How can he take offence from "don't open the door" Confused

OP posts:
GreenTeaPingPong · 27/03/2021 23:15

How on earth is that comment passive aggressive? There's absolutely nothing in it that implies criticism of him. Very odd over-reaction. He's probably actually angry/stressed about something else, although that doesn't excuse it.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2021 23:17

Sounds like he's got a debt problem and your flippant comment triggered him. Can't see what else it could be.

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