Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shaken up after argument with DP, what the hell just happened?

118 replies

Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:35

Long term partner (5 years) with whom I have young children. The relationship isn't fantastic to be honest but he's never made me nervous before. He has form for being shit at communicating.

Backstory: I met him just over a year after I left a very abusive (In all senses) relationship which I still carry alot of trauma from. He knows all about it. That man left me in alot of debt, deliberately, and I'm still picking up the pieces now.

I was sat with toddler DD as she was watching nursery rhymes on YouTube, she was listening to a song called "don't open the door to strangers"

I joked to DP that I wish he wouldn't open the door to strangers without checking who it was first as one day it might be a debt collector. It was totally lighthearted.

He immediately got pissed off and started ranting about how he can open the door when he likes (the house is in my name by the way)

I was taken aback and said he was being ridiculous and asked why he was getting so angry.

Cue more ranting about how asking him to check who's at the door before opening it is treating him like a child and how bailiffs can't enter your property anyway Hmm

I said It was a lighthearted joke and he's over reacting so I don't want to continue the conversation. He's still pissed off and storms out to go to work, swearing as he leaves the garden.

He just blew up out of nowhere.

Before anybody suggests it's because he's pissed off about my debt, he has had debt of his own in the past so it's definitely not that.

Can you help me understand what on earth that was about?

OP posts:
OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 28/03/2021 08:59

The only appropriate reaction from your DP would have been:

"haha daddy/I should watch the video too"

if he wanted to add anything serious/adult the only appropriate thing would be "honestly, we will be fine, we will sort the debt thing, you're not alone. If you want to worry about it then we can worry together. I love you."

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 10:10

He's acting as though none of it ever happened, he seems as happy as Larry but no apology forthcoming. This is typical.

I'll attempt to have a sit down conversation with him later on but I can tell from past experiences it'll be a waste of time and like trying to pull teeth.

OP posts:
Cokie3 · 28/03/2021 11:00

He acts like that because he knows you won't pull him up on it. That's why. He will pull a strop and sideline you until he silences you. I would this time say it's over and he is out. And he can come back when he's had therapy and can demonstrate he's had it, because you do not deserve to be treated like that, and your daughter does not deserve to grow up thinking that's normal. Pretending like nothing happened is bordering on sociopathic behaviour. No way should he be allowed to just get away with it and you drop it. You choose how you will be treated and when you will let it drop. Not him. You choose it, especially if it's your house. If you refuse to kick him out, at least tell him you want him to apologise to your mother (and be there when he does).

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 11:44

I tried to raise and resolve it over breakfast and he just blew up again, in summary he doesn't like being told to check who's at the door before opening it. That is belittling apparently and makes him feel like a child even though it's me with the problem he should be able to puff up his chest and answer the door to whoever it is knocking.

Ridiculous if you ask me.

He then brought up something that happened the other day. He put a load of washing in but didn't separate reds from whites so DD's new jeans were tinged pink. I showed him and said did you know these were in there and he said no, it was case closed. Still, he internalized that as me attacking or belittling him.

I'm done with it, you can't have a relationship with somebody like him if you think communication is important.

What an arsehole.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 28/03/2021 11:50

Being able to apologise and mean it is a vital skill. One he refuses to learn imo. Not a man to have around your dc... He sounds like a twat...

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 11:51

OP,
You are in another abusive relationship with a man who uses blowing up to shout you down and to try and control you.

I feel sorry for you but mostly for your poor children who are in an abusive, angry home.

Unless you step up and protect them, their lives will be marked forever by this childhood.

Flowers
LabbyNoona · 28/03/2021 12:01

The communication or lack thereof is a huge issue and isn't going to change because he's unable/unwilling to discuss anything on any reasonable level. That is one of the things that lead to the rot setting in, as I said in my opening post the relationship isn't great.

Clearly this is never going to change, this is who he is and he certainly doesn’t like to be told what to do, he’s the man etc. Please leave him Sad

AmyLou100 · 28/03/2021 12:07

Op are you always making such comments or dropping 'light hearted' jokes like these? His reaction sounds really bizarre but it would make alot of sense if you keep doing this as it comes across like he is stupid or a child. He can open the door to anyone, he is right about that. Your issue seems from fear of debt collectors. You are then putting this onto him. I would think if you are constantly doing these little things?

worried3012 · 28/03/2021 12:13

@Stumped02

I tried to raise and resolve it over breakfast and he just blew up again, in summary he doesn't like being told to check who's at the door before opening it. That is belittling apparently and makes him feel like a child even though it's me with the problem he should be able to puff up his chest and answer the door to whoever it is knocking.

Ridiculous if you ask me.

He then brought up something that happened the other day. He put a load of washing in but didn't separate reds from whites so DD's new jeans were tinged pink. I showed him and said did you know these were in there and he said no, it was case closed. Still, he internalized that as me attacking or belittling him.

I'm done with it, you can't have a relationship with somebody like him if you think communication is important.

What an arsehole.

If you end it, I bet he'll suddenly find his voice then and be the communicative man you needed him to be.
Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 12:34

Op are you always making such comments or dropping 'light hearted' jokes like these

No I'm not. I would never purposely try to belittle somebody, I was poking fun at my own crap situation.

He is hyper sensitive to what he perceives as critism and it's not just me he's like this with, he's clashed with people at work before when anybody has asked him to do something differently or highlighted a mistake.

An example of this is him storming off when a colleague tried to help him use the forklift after he'd just completed the course and was new to it, he was reversing too close to some pallets and risked damaging stock but the fact anybody had the gall to mention it meant he was being attacked and they were belittling him.

Whenever he gets offended he resorts to being childish because he lacks the ability to discuss and resolve issues in a normal way.

The jeans for example, I didn't even moan at him about it I simply asked whether he knew they were in there with the reds. He could see that he'd made a mistake (a harmless one) and felt uncomfortable/annoyed that it was highlighted, but because I hadn't really done anything wrong by mentioning it he couldn't justify having a pop there and then.. so he internalized it and threw that back at me days later the next time he felt criticized.

Neither scenario was me criticising him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 12:38

The relationship is dead as far as I'm concerned, if it weren't then I wouldn't feel so zero tolerance about this issue iykwim.

Couples argue and sometimes raise voices but in healthy relationships they resolve those problems. Nothing gets resolved with him and I've had enough.

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt this morning and tried to discuss it calmly but he's too far up his own backside to converse in a mature way.

OP posts:
ContessaDiPulpo · 28/03/2021 12:48

Sounds fair enough to me OP! Do what you have to do.

picknmix1984 · 28/03/2021 12:50

He's in debt. I would definitely check.

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 13:00

Pack his stuff up.when he is at work and tell him it will be outside your door.

Call the police beforehand to tell them you are throwing out an abusive Ex.

They will come quickly if you call them subsequently.

You can tell him that you have contacted the police.

Get this abusive man out of your children's home.

You tried.
Flowers

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 13:06

I'm going to start the process of separating, thank you for giving me this space to hash out my feelings and conclude I'm not being overly dramatic.

He accused me of belittling him again this morning because I said "I can't talk to you when you're being petulant"

This was in response to him saying "I'll never open the fucking door again, not to the postman if we have deliveries, not to the neighbours, not to any of our families - they can all just stand out there"

Which IS petulant isn't it?

He said he didn't know what that word meant so I was clearly using it to 'show off' my intelligence. I'm not remotely academic and certainly don't see myself that way.

He's asleep now and I'm channelling the adrenaline into looking at my finances and planning an out.

OP posts:
TwoBreakingIntoOne · 28/03/2021 13:17

I was with someone similar for 20 years. He didn't blow up like that but he was unable to communicate
It's crap. Nothing changes or gets sorted
Good on you for getting out OP

me4real · 28/03/2021 13:22

I wasn't trying to make P feel inadequate and the PP who suggested that me thinking "but it's my house" came about after he started ranting about how he'll open the door to who he likes. I don't think I'm unreasonable to not want him or anybody else opening the door to bailiffs or debt collectors. I worked hard for what little I have now after starting totally from scratch.

I said to my DM that at this point in time I want out as that's my line in the sand drawn, I can deal with the odd grump but being hostile is unacceptable.

Also with his random rant he was saying he'll screw you over if he felt like it, just for the sake of it to make himself feel big or whatever. He's not on your team, you can't trust him to back you up.

NotSorry · 28/03/2021 13:38

Sidetracking thread slightly @Stumped02

Colour-run is your friend for the pink jeans

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 13:48

Sorry to hear that, Two. I bet you were so relieved when you left.

Me4real, that's exactly what I took from that too.

Notsorry, thank you! I'll look into it. It's such a shame as they were brand new. Mistakes happen of course and I wouldn't dream of having a go at him about it, but his (I assume) shame at making that mistake lead to him having a go at me

Sigh.

I've just noticed he has got me some of my favourite chocolates and put them in the cupboard. That's as good as it gets for conflict resolution. A lovely gesture if it weren't on the back of all this, what I needed was an adult conversation.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 14:00

He sounds like hard work.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 14:27

He really is

OP posts:
Cokie3 · 28/03/2021 14:56

Good on you! So when are you going to tell him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/03/2021 15:06

He's an impenetrable fortress when it comes to discussing important issues or conflict resolution.

You can't have a healthy, happy relationship with someone like this, which means your daughter can't live in a healthy, happy environment while you're with them.

You're doing the right thing for all involved if you end it OP.

Mamamamasaurus · 28/03/2021 15:17

If you'd told him to not come back, why did you let him in with breakfast? I'm genuinely just curious. It strikes me that this would send mixed signals, he's already not brilliant at communicating and you've told him to not come round, but he offered breakfast and you've let him straight back in.

I suspect that you'll need to be perfectly clear IF you tell him to sling his hook, and be resolute about it.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 15:24

I didn't send the text last night telling him not to come home, I came here instead to ask for perspective.

I attempted to discuss the issue this morning with him and his response showed me that I was right to want out.

OP posts: