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Original poster

Shaken up after argument with DP, what the hell just happened?

118 replies

Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:35

Long term partner (5 years) with whom I have young children. The relationship isn't fantastic to be honest but he's never made me nervous before. He has form for being shit at communicating.

Backstory: I met him just over a year after I left a very abusive (In all senses) relationship which I still carry alot of trauma from. He knows all about it. That man left me in alot of debt, deliberately, and I'm still picking up the pieces now.

I was sat with toddler DD as she was watching nursery rhymes on YouTube, she was listening to a song called "don't open the door to strangers"

I joked to DP that I wish he wouldn't open the door to strangers without checking who it was first as one day it might be a debt collector. It was totally lighthearted.

He immediately got pissed off and started ranting about how he can open the door when he likes (the house is in my name by the way)

I was taken aback and said he was being ridiculous and asked why he was getting so angry.

Cue more ranting about how asking him to check who's at the door before opening it is treating him like a child and how bailiffs can't enter your property anyway Hmm

I said It was a lighthearted joke and he's over reacting so I don't want to continue the conversation. He's still pissed off and storms out to go to work, swearing as he leaves the garden.

He just blew up out of nowhere.

Before anybody suggests it's because he's pissed off about my debt, he has had debt of his own in the past so it's definitely not that.

Can you help me understand what on earth that was about?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 28/03/2021 02:04

Oh, it was your ex's debt.

Mis read, sorry my bad.
In that case, no his reaction was totally over the top.

SeaToSki · 28/03/2021 02:06

If he wont have a proper discussion, you are going to be relegated to guessing what he was ranting about (as it certainly wasnt your comment, but something it triggered in him). It might be something totally innocent, something you could both laugh about and look back on “remember the time that i mentioned the debt collector ooooo!” Kind of funny relationship joke thing. BUT if he wont talk, what are you to do? Can you live like that? I think its time for a relationship testing big conversation... not about the debt collector, but about what it revealed about the communication (or lack of it) about serious issues in your relationship

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/03/2021 02:13

When I first read your what you'd said with the history you'd provided I thought it sounded like a self-deprecating comment. However, the way you are emphasizing the house being in your name and contending that it's reasonable for you to tell your DP not to open the door to people (when it's presumably his home too), makes me wonder if there isn't some history of you making him feel like he isn't an equal in your eyes. In which case, I could see his (still ridiculous and disproportionate) reaction being a matter of being pissed off with you because he saw it as more of you - as he said - infantalising him.

If it is his home too, even if legally owned by you, and you are a partnership it isn't reasonable for you to dictate to him how he lives there as though he were one of your teenagers or a barely tolerated lodger. To talk to him about it and expect him to discuss the issue with you and find a mutually acceptable compromise - yes - to think your ownership of the house means you can just tell him what to do - no.

Nevertheless, his explosion was totally inappropriate and worrying. You don't have to have been perfect to want to feel safe in your own home. So I think you need to address this with him and decide if you can continue as things are.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2021 02:29

He's wrong about one thing. Bailiffs can enter your house.
Just watch 'Can't pay, we'll take it away'

If a debt isn't paid and the correct paperwork is filed, they do have a high court writ to enter.

me4real · 28/03/2021 02:37

When I first read your what you'd said with the history you'd provided I thought it sounded like a self-deprecating comment. However, the way you are emphasizing the house being in your name and contending that it's reasonable for you to tell your DP not to open the door to people

@BoomBoomsCousin I think it's the other way round- OP's partner was the one who went on about how he'll do whatever he wants in 'his' home etc. He was forcing the issue. If he were to do something counterproductive to OP like letting bailiffs in just to emphasise he can or whatever, that'd be wrong and stupid. He's implying that he's not on the family's side, he's a loose cannon, just for the sake of throwing his weight around.

Maybe it's his feeling of inferiority about OP being the homeowner that's part of it, but that doesn't make it ok.

it isn't reasonable for you to dictate to him how he lives there as though he were one of your teenagers or a barely tolerated lodger.

It would just be a matter of him acting in a way that's constructive for the family, and that's perfectly reasonable of someonne to expect.

But this is a hypothetical non-situation anyway, as, as far as we know @Stumped02 is on top of things and the debt collectors aren't about to turn up. But if she was, and her partner didn't have her back, that'd be pretty shit of him, wouldn't it?

Cokie3 · 28/03/2021 03:04

If he can't even communicate well, why are you even with him? Why even have children with him? He clearly is not relationship material. Most women would flee backwards 100 miles an hour from him. What does he offer you, if you don't even have a relationship where you communicate?

What's the point?

And yes, that he thought nothing of blowing up and swearing at you in front of your mother shows he has no conscience or sense of shame.

Seriously, throw him out. Or your daughter will think that it's normal for men to treat women like that. Do you want that?

He can't even communicate at all and shows no willingness to even try. Wtf are you even with him? I bet he hasn't even apologised to you yet, and probably wouldn't even think to apologise to your mother, like any normal would. Get your self respect and throw the loser out.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/03/2021 03:37

@me4real

When I first read your what you'd said with the history you'd provided I thought it sounded like a self-deprecating comment. However, the way you are emphasizing the house being in your name and contending that it's reasonable for you to tell your DP not to open the door to people

@BoomBoomsCousin I think it's the other way round- OP's partner was the one who went on about how he'll do whatever he wants in 'his' home etc. He was forcing the issue. If he were to do something counterproductive to OP like letting bailiffs in just to emphasise he can or whatever, that'd be wrong and stupid. He's implying that he's not on the family's side, he's a loose cannon, just for the sake of throwing his weight around.

Maybe it's his feeling of inferiority about OP being the homeowner that's part of it, but that doesn't make it ok.

it isn't reasonable for you to dictate to him how he lives there as though he were one of your teenagers or a barely tolerated lodger.

It would just be a matter of him acting in a way that's constructive for the family, and that's perfectly reasonable of someonne to expect.

But this is a hypothetical non-situation anyway, as, as far as we know @Stumped02 is on top of things and the debt collectors aren't about to turn up. But if she was, and her partner didn't have her back, that'd be pretty shit of him, wouldn't it?

The OP has been saying that because she owns the house she should be able to just tell him he can't open the door without knowing who is there and he should just accept that.

That, by itself, is not a reasonable attitude towards a long term partner whom you live with. And if the OP has that attitude about her home then her partner's comment about being infantalized may be justified.

I'm not saying it is necessarily unreasonable to come to an agreement that neither of you should open the door without knowing who is there. Just that it isn't something that one member of a couple dictates to another because they own the house. To do so is infantilizing the other partner.

It would be pretty shit of him not to have her back - but in this example she hasn't asked him to have her back. She's said he should do as he's told because she owns the house.

I'm not justifying his outburst. I've said it not an acceptable response. I'm just pointing out that OP's attitude towards her ownership of the house and what that should mean to her partner is pretty awful and his reaction may be about that (if it has exhibited itself outside forums on the Internet) rather than, for instance, the guilt that others have suggested.

GoodQueenAlysanne · 28/03/2021 03:50

I think your dp doesn't like the fact the house is in your name, and that's what's hit a nerve.

I don't think the op did tell him what to do, I saw it more as she made a joke (about her not opening the door, not telling him that he couldn't), he took it bad, and started ranting about doing what he wants in his own home (regardless of her wishes), and that's made her think "hold on a minute, it's technically my house anyway!".

GoodQueenAlysanne · 28/03/2021 03:54

Also, I reckon if he doesn't start to communicate with you, you're going to get totally fed up with him, and trying to guess how he's feeling or what's going on in his head. That would start to feel like having a lodger that you sleep with sometimes, and who helps you out with the kids.

Harriedharriet · 28/03/2021 04:11

@Wanderlusto

He has more debt now. And he hasn't told you about it by the sounds of things.
This
AgentJohnson · 28/03/2021 05:56

Seriously OP! Given your last relationship, what makes you think a terrible communicator is a adequate character trait to be having a relationship with? Did you do the freedom program? You say that his debts could negatively impact you because he lives with you, if this is the case, why the hell is he living with you? Life is too short to guess what someone else is thinking, if he can’t have an adult conversation without resorting to agressie behaviour then he has to be living elsewhere. Just because he isn’t exactly the same arse as your Ex, doesn’t mean he isn’t an arse.

Do not waste your time trying to figure him out, his communication issues are his to resolve not for you to interpret.

Foolingaround · 28/03/2021 06:11

This is not regular behaviour though is it? So this man is going to be thrown out of his home (apparently) for this outburst?
It might be better to see if there is any way of resolving it first, three sides to every story and all that.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 28/03/2021 06:17

Thank you for all the replies

No apology from him no, I did wake up to a message saying he'll pick us up a take away breakfast after work. That's his way of trying to 'smooth things over'

I did to the freedom program after my last relationship and I do think I exhibited alot of growth but it's possible I still have work to do in that regard.

As for mentioning debt collectors infront of DD she doesn't have a clue what they are, she's only just starting to talk.

The debt is caused by my ex yes, he was financially abusive on top of everything else.

I wasn't trying to make P feel inadequate and the PP who suggested that me thinking "but it's my house" came about after he started ranting about how he'll open the door to who he likes. I don't think I'm unreasonable to not want him or anybody else opening the door to bailiffs or debt collectors. I worked hard for what little I have now after starting totally from scratch.

The communication or lack thereof is a huge issue and isn't going to change because he's unable/unwilling to discuss anything on any reasonable level. That is one of the things that lead to the rot setting in, as I said in my opening post the relationship isn't great.

I had children with him because at the point of planning them we were happy. I don't regret them and wouldn't regret them regardless of whether I stay in a relationship with him.

I said to my DM that at this point in time I want out as that's my line in the sand drawn, I can deal with the odd grump but being hostile is unacceptable.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 28/03/2021 07:20

Or does he just not like being told what to do by his should-be-inferior-because-he-knows-best woman?

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 28/03/2021 07:53

It's clear to me you were just making a self-deprecating joke. 'Knowing my luck, it'd be the bailiffs' sort of thing.

Exactly, and his reaction was disgusting. It does sound as if he has something to hide. Maybe you can sort it out with him, but only if he starts being honest with you, and it sounds as if he never will.

I have had friends who put up with a bad relationship because their previous one was worse. Then the ‘not so bad’ relationship tends to go downhill. Please don’t make that mistake. Your DC are still very young. Do you want them to grow up with a man who treats you like this?

luckylavender · 28/03/2021 08:00

It's odd and like people say he's probably in a lot of debt. Swearing in front of a toddler is not good, but then neither is talking about bailiffs.

Shoxfordian · 28/03/2021 08:05

If he can’t communicate then how can you even have a relationship?

IndecentFeminist · 28/03/2021 08:16

Talking about bailiffs is no big deal. His reaction is. I don't see any passive aggression here, just plain old aggression on his part. I also don't see the OP making the point about the house derogatorily.

TheVanguardSix · 28/03/2021 08:22

Obviously, you hit a nerve.

NoPinkPlease · 28/03/2021 08:27

Side point, but if you've been paying off debt that your ex took out fraudulently, have you had advice? Any of the main debt charities, citizens advice, StepChange and national debt line could help you.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 28/03/2021 08:28

The communication or lack thereof is a huge issue and isn't going to change because he's unable/unwilling to discuss anything on any reasonable level. That is one of the things that lead to the rot setting in, as I said in my opening post the relationship isn't great.

No matter how much I liked someone, if they were incapable of communicating with me (or even trying to) I don't think I'd bother. Why make your life 100 times harder?

The ability to communicate is paramount and if it's not there then everything else about them pales in significance.

IwishIwasontheN17 · 28/03/2021 08:30

@AgentJohnson

Seriously OP! Given your last relationship, what makes you think a terrible communicator is a adequate character trait to be having a relationship with? Did you do the freedom program? You say that his debts could negatively impact you because he lives with you, if this is the case, why the hell is he living with you? Life is too short to guess what someone else is thinking, if he can’t have an adult conversation without resorting to agressie behaviour then he has to be living elsewhere. Just because he isn’t exactly the same arse as your Ex, doesn’t mean he isn’t an arse.

Do not waste your time trying to figure him out, his communication issues are his to resolve not for you to interpret.

This in spades - you’re not obliged to house him or be in a relationship with him. Save your energies for your children and your own recovery. You’ve been through more than enough.
soditall56 · 28/03/2021 08:49

@ZiggyBaby

It was a passive aggressive comment on your part tbf.
Hardly, OP was making a joke about her own financial situation. If you can't have a laugh about these things you'll cripple yourself with worry

@Stumped02 OP I do not understand why others are talking about you being disrespectful. I read the same post and fully understood you have debt not your OH.

I honestly don't know what to make of his reaction though because surely he know and accepts your financial situation if it came from a previous relationship. I don't think your joke was of bad taste. Maybe you and I just have the same sense of humour. Maybe something else has pissed him off at the same time that he hasn't told you about and you got the brunt of it.

I'd speak to him and ask him what it was all about but I wouldn't dwell on it too much. I was clearly a joke Hmm

soditall56 · 28/03/2021 08:55

@GrandDuchessRomanov

You discussed debt collectors in front of your toddler? Nice.
A toddler who no doubt has absolutely no idea of understanding what day it is never mind the meaning of debt... chill out!
BigFatLiar · 28/03/2021 08:58

I think you really need to have chat with him, especially if it was out of character. Sounds like somethings getting him stressed out.

On a different tack... As for the comments about opening the door it may have been meant as a joke but obviously went down like a lead balloon. If he'd said this to you and you didn't see the joke would you see it as a bit controlling? Looking back at your time doing the freedom program would that have seemed like a good thing to say? As you say its your house, is it not also his home?