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Original poster

Shaken up after argument with DP, what the hell just happened?

118 replies

Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 22:35

Long term partner (5 years) with whom I have young children. The relationship isn't fantastic to be honest but he's never made me nervous before. He has form for being shit at communicating.

Backstory: I met him just over a year after I left a very abusive (In all senses) relationship which I still carry alot of trauma from. He knows all about it. That man left me in alot of debt, deliberately, and I'm still picking up the pieces now.

I was sat with toddler DD as she was watching nursery rhymes on YouTube, she was listening to a song called "don't open the door to strangers"

I joked to DP that I wish he wouldn't open the door to strangers without checking who it was first as one day it might be a debt collector. It was totally lighthearted.

He immediately got pissed off and started ranting about how he can open the door when he likes (the house is in my name by the way)

I was taken aback and said he was being ridiculous and asked why he was getting so angry.

Cue more ranting about how asking him to check who's at the door before opening it is treating him like a child and how bailiffs can't enter your property anyway Hmm

I said It was a lighthearted joke and he's over reacting so I don't want to continue the conversation. He's still pissed off and storms out to go to work, swearing as he leaves the garden.

He just blew up out of nowhere.

Before anybody suggests it's because he's pissed off about my debt, he has had debt of his own in the past so it's definitely not that.

Can you help me understand what on earth that was about?

OP posts:
Libraryghost · 27/03/2021 23:22

That sounds like stress - and that definitely doesn’t excuse the ranting and raving behaviour. Maybe he is more worried about debt than you realise? Perhaps a good heart to heart and a chat about what is really worrying him is in order?

WisnaeMe · 27/03/2021 23:23

OP he sounds horrible and his response was disproportionate to your comments.

Imagine his angry responses increasing over time. 😳

WisnaeMe · 27/03/2021 23:24

I'd heart to heart his arse out the door, for scaring the child horribly.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:26

Trying to have serious talks with him is like trying to get blood from a stone sadly.

If there is something else bothering him like a debt of his own or something else he hasn't mentioned, he won't be forthcoming about it. He's an impenetrable fortress when it comes to discussing important issues or conflict resolution.

OP posts:
DaisyandIvy · 27/03/2021 23:30

Maybe didn't like it because it relates to an ex. of yours.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:30

Honestly at the point of posting this I had composed a message to send him saying he's not to come back in the morning. I held fire whilst I came here for alt perspectives.

I'm quite sensitive to men losing their tempers and it activates my fight or flight response (I have cPTSD)

Thankfully DD wasn't scared, not sure what that says about me that it went over a toddlers head but almost caused me a panic attack.

Needless to say I can't and won't have that around the children again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:32

@DaisyandIvy

Maybe didn't like it because it relates to an ex. of yours.
Totally feasible in many cases but knowing him as I do, I can be almost certain that's not the reason with this one.
OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 27/03/2021 23:32

Yeh your comment was very odd!

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:36

@Happycat1212

Yeh your comment was very odd!
It might seem that way to folk here but it's not really, within the context of what I have going on.

I'm currently in debt to three different companies due to my ex using my details to obtain credit when I was in the relationship. I have a payment plan with two of those but the third have been awful and are a current stressor and source of worry.

It's not as random as it sounds.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 27/03/2021 23:37

OP send the message, you are doing the right thing for you and your child. 🌺

Sicilianna · 27/03/2021 23:41

OP, first thought before I'd read any of the comments (promise) was, 'Uh oh he's in debt too'.

And yes, send the email. Regardless of what the cause or even what your comment was, the aggression is unacceptable and you need to draw very firm boundaries.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:44

Thank you all for your take on it, even those who think I'm in the wrong.

I'm happy to take ownership if people think what I said was offensive to him, but I admit I'm struggling to see how it could be.

The issue I have, regardless, is the aggression and losing his temper.

He's unable or unwilling to tall anything through so if this is going to be his M.O whenever he gets pissed off and bottles things up I can't have it.

OP posts:
me4real · 27/03/2021 23:44

It's clear to me you were just making a self-deprecating joke. 'Knowing my luck, it'd be the bailiffs' sort of thing.

Even more weird that he acted like it in front of your mum. Has he done anything else erratic recently?

I don't know whether to trust my judgement as I'm probably a bit more sensitive to shouty men than others without my history would be.

@Stumped02 I think it'd mean you're more likely to see red flags for what they are. And it's ok not to like something because of your past experiences. My dad was kind of stroppy so I don't like bad-tempered men at all.

Original poster
Stumped02 · 27/03/2021 23:54

@me4real

It's clear to me you were just making a self-deprecating joke. 'Knowing my luck, it'd be the bailiffs' sort of thing.

Even more weird that he acted like it in front of your mum. Has he done anything else erratic recently?

I don't know whether to trust my judgement as I'm probably a bit more sensitive to shouty men than others without my history would be.

@Stumped02 I think it'd mean you're more likely to see red flags for what they are. And it's ok not to like something because of your past experiences. My dad was kind of stroppy so I don't like bad-tempered men at all.

Thank you I appreciate that, you are spot on. Your first line is exactly the place I was coming from. Total self deprecation.

No nothing else erratic really, I can think of only two other occasions he has behaved like this during the course of me knowing him and on both of those occasions he was hiding things from me and feeling the pressure of it (not debt)

My mum was really shocked and said that's not the 'his name' she's used to and what on earth is wrong with him today.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/03/2021 00:09

Maybe he's got debts that you don't know about?

me4real · 28/03/2021 00:13

No nothing else erratic really, I can think of only two other occasions he has behaved like this during the course of me knowing him and on both of those occasions he was hiding things from me and feeling the pressure of it (not debt)

@Stumped02 You know him OP- sounds like you have an idea what's going on. What were the other things, if it's not too private?

me4real · 28/03/2021 00:14

What were the things he was hiding, I mean. But if you don't feel able to share it's ok of course. x

GrandDuchessRomanov · 28/03/2021 00:14

You discussed debt collectors in front of your toddler? Nice.

ferando81 · 28/03/2021 00:16

It’s not passive aggressive.It was a joke

me4real · 28/03/2021 00:37

You discussed debt collectors in front of your toddler? Nice.

She isn't old enough to comprehend what is being said about something she knows nothing about. Might as well be saying 'The meebleymotherheators will be on their way' as far as she's concerned.

MarshmallowAra · 28/03/2021 00:43

Not passive aggressive at all. Haven't a clue where posters are coming from with that.

Op has debt (was left in debt by ex,) and made a dry joke about there being no danger of her opening the door to strangers in case they were debt collectors ... In the context of a thing teaching kids not to open doors to kids.

I'd see it as entirely irony/humour on.ops part.

Some MN posters are v strange and always seem to want to attack the op.

His reaction/behaviour is totally ott and quite aggressive.

MarshmallowAra · 28/03/2021 00:46

@GrandDuchessRomanov

You discussed debt collectors in front of your toddler? Nice.
FFS.

Doubt they'd understand.

Any more random attacks on op, when her partner is in the wrong here.

He was going on about how he'll open the door to whoever in his house ... Totally off topic/twisted and very "primate beating chest", I'm the big man stuff.

Doesn't sound good.

MarshmallowAra · 28/03/2021 00:47

*In the context of a thing teaching kids not to open doors to strangers .. obviously.

MarshmallowAra · 28/03/2021 00:49

self deprecation

That's what I would've taken from it (alongside irony/humour).

Dita73 · 28/03/2021 02:03

Check his credit score

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