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Relationships

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Original poster

Financially mismatched

78 replies

Oaktree123 · 27/03/2021 21:57

My bf of two years and I have very different finances and financial attitudes. I'm very much a saver, live within my means (I've done both minimum wage and well paid jobs, I never overspend), I've got a home a mortgage, not wealthy but comfortable. Always worked and saved.

Bf is also 40s divorced with kids. He spends all his (higher salary) on rent, bills, maintenance to exW and other 'things'. Both he and his exW seem to be quite 'relaxed' with money, both have loans and credit cards only paying the minimum repayable. She chooses not to work (teenage kids, so she could) and asks bf to pay extra when she overspends, he usually pays it even though he's also in debt.

Back to bf - he has no savings. He lives month to month despite earning a decent salary. Rents so no equity. If I were in his situation I'd be very stressed, sometimes he is, but then he goes out and buys patio furniture, a bbq, a new watch, whatever he fancies. Puts it on the credit card and pays 20% interest because he's already got lots on the credit card. These debts have been going on years.

For us to ever progress he would have to live in my house. It hasn't been discussed recently, but has in the past. I love him but I feel we are incredibly mismatched in our financial attitudes. He likes nice things, as does his exW. Has anyone been in a relationship like this? I would never want to end up like his 'mum' telling him not to buy things while he has debt. But realistically, he and I will always be very mismatched.

OP posts:

topcat2014 · 27/03/2021 22:06

I don't see how this could work long term, sorry!

Easterbunnygettingready · 27/03/2021 22:09

So you would be subbing him so he can sub his ex? Mm no thanks!!

CookieDoughKid · 27/03/2021 22:12

You'd need to keep finances separately and never marry. My other half is just like yours in having a very relaxed attitude and I've made peace with it. We have two children. However all my properties are in my name, I've always worked and I've demanded that he pays his fare share towards which is 50% of our outgoings and our children. To this end my own wealth and assets have grown X10 to what my other half has. He has minimal pensions, no properties and spends his spare cash whereas I choose to save and invest mine.

justforthisnow · 27/03/2021 22:27

Sounds like he has landed on his feet with you, financially. He rents, but would move into your owned home? A huge no from me. The word cocklodger springs to mind.

StephenBelafonte · 27/03/2021 22:28

What easterbunny said. In my opinion Mumsnetters are far too keen to live with men. If you wouldn't marry someone then don't live with them either is my motto.

Ragwort · 27/03/2021 22:28

I would personally find that very difficult... different attitudes towards money are one of the main disagreements in a relationship.... my DH and I have very similar attitudes towards money and it's the one subject we've never argued over in 33+ years of marriage.

Maybe just carry on dating him but don't let him move into your home ... unless you want to subsidise his lifestyle and compromise your's.

MilduraS · 27/03/2021 22:54

My DH was similar, never in real debt but always living in his 0% overdraft at the end of each month and no savings at all. A few years after we moved in together (his house) we needed to do some repair work and he was about to put it on a credit card (£3k) . I suggested we just use some money from my savings account and it ended up being a big wake up call. I earn £26k a year while he earns £85k so the fact I was able to pay stunned him.

We had a proper talk about our financial goals after that. He started using the same budgeting app as me (YNAB) and nearly two years later he has £20k in savings and investments (despite 5 months of furlough last year). He's barely changed his lifestyle but he thinks before spending now. I know some say people can't change but financially he's a completely different person than when we first met and we're happier and more secure than ever.

Original poster

Oaktree123 · 27/03/2021 23:09

@CookieDoughKid my situation would be similar, I would definitely never marry him,anything I have is going to my children!

Tbf to him he's never asked for money from me, however it does seem like a difficult situation where one person has savings and assets and the other has debt they could have avoided. He did say if he lived with me he could get a new car...so it doesn't seem like he has any intention of changing his ways, paying his debts and building a buffer.

OP posts:

FizzyPink · 27/03/2021 23:14

For me it would be a no. I’d start to resent him personally but I’m very careful with money and put thought into what I do with mine so it would annoy me being with someone who was spending willy-nilly

WisnaeMe · 27/03/2021 23:14

keep things as they are, if for your own interests alone 🌸

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/03/2021 23:18

Sounds like someone who would probably be really great to date but not to live with or marry.

GinaJaffacake · 27/03/2021 23:20

@CookieDoughKid, do you mean your DP has contributed to your mortgage and upkeep if your house without benefitting from its rise in value?
I understand that you choose not to be financially tied but surely then you can’t expect him to effectively be a tenant in your house? If you take on all the costs of things like a new kitchen/bathroom/boiler etc then fair enough but if he’s contributing to those things without having a financial stake in the property then that seems unfair.
One of the main reasons that a mismatch in financial attitudes is problematic is that it can lead to unfairness by one or other parties.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 28/03/2021 00:54

@Easterbunnygettingready

So you would be subbing him so he can sub his ex? Mm no thanks!!

This!

Also think long term. Let’s assume you live together happily ever after. Are you going to be able to retire at the same time or will one of you need to continue working? Are your plans for spending in retirement the same? Can you both afford to go on the world cruise/move to the country/spend 6 months in Spain/whatever else you have planned? If one of you can’t afford the world cruise, for example, what will you do - do you both decide not to go, does one of you go alone leaving the other at home, or does one of you pay for the other to go?

It is all very well to say ‘I love him’ but I realise more and more that a successful and long lasting relationship needs common goals or at least a similar approach to the admin/business side of life.

jimmyjammy001 · 28/03/2021 02:13

I would walk away, he will soon start taking advantage when he moves in, it will likely start with not having the rent for a month then escalate from there, as others have said you are likely to be in alot better position to retire earlyer than him, are you willing to stay on working longer in order to support him because he hasn't got his act together? I certainly wouldn't

CookieDoughKid · 28/03/2021 08:09

@GinaJaffacake I have paid all the deposits, home removal, solicitors, stamp duty etc, most furniture and all the renovations across 3 properties. This is hundreds of thousands of £££. Yes 'dh' pays his way but that's for day to day living and really doesn't even amount to 10% of what I've paid out a year and I can show I more than cover mortgage payments. I earn more than him. I save towards pension and he doesn't. He refuses. If he ever has access to my money he would blow it all on a Lamborghini. He would be the first to admit it. If I die, he will be ok as he's still father to my children. I'll make sure he doesn't have to suffer in his old age and have right to live (mortgage free) but I really don't think it would be wise to give him what I've spent last 30 years building when my children would be far more sensible with their inheritance.

GinaJaffacake · 28/03/2021 09:29

@CookieDoughKid, it’s your choice of course. If I died, I’d want DH to have access to enough funds to ensure our children had enough day to day; enough for nice holidays etc, I’m not sure, if I felt the way you do, that I could continue in a relationship with someone I trusted so little or had such little respect for.

GinaJaffacake · 28/03/2021 09:35

...but then I don’t have that level of financial mismatch either because to me, being on the same page financially is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship. I would never have married nor had children with someone whose values were do at odds with mine. This thread has surprised me.

secretskillrelationships · 28/03/2021 09:40

I have recently come out of a 5 year relationship where this was definitely a huge factor. In spite of earning significantly more than me over a long period of time he had no savings at all, lived very much month to month, though he did have a house and pension. I felt under pressure to spend more than I was comfortable with at times and I felt he made poor financial decisions. While it wasn't the only issue, it contributed to me ending the relationship. I would now only consider a relationship with someone with a similar attitude to money.

category12 · 28/03/2021 09:42

I wouldn't live together. Far simpler not to, as if you lived together there would end up being times he's short and you end up subsidising him, and he'll slowly drag you down.

Definitely never marry him.

Aozora13 · 28/03/2021 09:50

I think it depends on what you’re looking for from the relationship. In my 20s I was in a LTR relationship with someone who had a v different attitude to finances to me. Like you I was/am a worker and a saver. He was, well, neither. It wasn’t the only reason we split but it was definitely a factor - he once referred to me as “the bank of Aozora”. DH and I are definitely much better matched in that respect, and I would say it was also a factor in him becoming my H. But I’m a little more hard-headed about marriage being more than just a “love match”.

Which is a long-winded way of saying, if you’re happy with a more casual boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship that’s one thing but if you’re thinking marriage I might be less inclined...

Lampan · 28/03/2021 09:55

I’d hesitate before even going on holiday with a friend with a different attitude to money. I certainly wouldn’t live with a partner who was like this. His comment about getting a new car shows that he sees living with you as a meal ticket. Why does he assume he wouldn’t have to pay rent etc?
If you do let him move it (don’t), make sure you keep finances separate but that he is paying his way. Make sure that should you split up he can’t try and claim a stake in your house.

GinaJaffacake · 28/03/2021 09:57

@Oaktree123, I completely agree with @Aozora13. The situation you describe is no basis for marriage. It will just lead to bitterness and frustration. When you build a life with someone you need to be on the same page regarding the big things such as money, sex and children.

category12 · 28/03/2021 09:59

His comment about getting a new car shows that he sees living with you as a meal ticket.

Also, this ^. Cheeky bugger. No intention of sorting his financial situation out, just adding to it and taking you with him.

timeisnotaline · 28/03/2021 10:00

@CookieDoughKid

@CookieDoughKid so your savings and pension will have to cover both of you when retired? I couldn’t deal with that. I mean of course incould if it was because he was bringing up our children, but not for just wastrel spending.

Standrewsschool · 28/03/2021 10:09

Bf in his 40s with no equity or savings despite a good job. It would be a no from me. Has there been a reason for renting, then I may consider it. However, your frustrated already by his attitude, and the car comment shows he’s a potential cocklodger. Is he expecting to live at yours rent- and Bill-free?

Incidently, have you had the money conversation with him? Has anyone sat down with him and gone through his finances to see where he stands? What would his reaction be if you suggest this? Is he even interested in paying if his debts?

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