Page 2 | Financially mismatched

Oaktree123 · 2021-03-27T21:57:42+00:00

My bf of two years and I have very different finances and financial attitudes. I'm very much a saver, live within my means (I've done both minimum wage and well paid jobs, I never overspend), I've got a home a mortgage, not wealthy but comfortable. Always worked and saved. Bf is also 40s divorced with kids. He spends all his (higher salary) on rent, bills, maintenance to exW and other 'things'. Both he and his exW seem to be quite 'relaxed' with money, both have loans and credit cards only paying the minimum repayable. She chooses not to work (teenage kids, so she could) and asks bf to pay extra when she overspends, he usually pays it even though he's also in debt. Back to bf - he has no savings. He lives month to month despite earning a decent salary. Rents so no equity. If I were in his situation I'd be very stressed, sometimes he is, but then he goes out and buys patio furniture, a bbq, a new watch, whatever he fancies. Puts it on the credit card and pays 20% interest because he's already got lots on the credit card. These debts have been going on years. For us to ever progress he would have to live in my house. It hasn't been discussed recently, but has in the past. I love him but I feel we are incredibly mismatched in our financial attitudes. He likes nice things, as does his exW. Has anyone been in a relationship like this? I would never want to end up like his 'mum' telling him not to buy things while he has debt. But realistically, he and I will always be very mismatched.

KeyboardMash · 28/03/2021 10:14

I'm in a relationship like this. All I'm going to say is: don't. You need to be on the same page with money - at least approximately. DH is a frivolous spender, chaotic, doesn't plan, spends to the end of his paycheck every month... He earns way more than me, and we chug along because we're comfortable despite his habits - but I find it stressful, I'd rather put more away for our and the kids future than we do - but raising this leads to arguments about 'his' money (he doesn't consider it 'his' until I want to limit his spending - he spends on me and the kids too - but won't listen to reason about moderating his habits - or he promises to but then carries on exactly as before...)

Oooh, look - I ended up saying a lot more. Anyway, bottom line: no.

Original poster

Oaktree123 · 28/03/2021 10:26

Thanks for the comments. I definitely wouldn't marry him, we are both divorced and my earnings are for my children. It hasn't been an issue so far, as being just bf/gf we don't need to pay anything together. If we lived together it would be in the future, his comment about getting a new car if he lived with me did bother me, it's a,reflection of his whole attitude to money tbh, if he has money he spends it. Then he seems surprised if I buy a bigger item, like new carpets, because I have savings and plan ahead.

If he were to live with me in future he would definitely have to pay rent, but we both know it would be less than he pays for a home on his own currently. I would also make sure he signed an agreement he would have no claim on the house. We aren't really at that stage yet anyway, but interesting to read how in general it doesn't work.

My exH and I had the same attitude to money, all earned about the same as my bf yet exH and I have own properties and savings etc, whereas bf has debt, I can see a very different attitude towards spending!

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 28/03/2021 10:34

Try telling him you will only consider talking about living together when he has paid off all his debt and has 5k in savings. See how he reacts to that.

KingsRoad · 28/03/2021 11:40

I couldn't deal with this at all. I couldn't find it attractive for a start. The irresponsibility.

I remember earlier this year being agog when Katie Price went to her bankruptcy hearing of whatever they are called holding a Starbucks.

Your resolve doesn't sound too strong as you are already talking about living with him. He won't pay the rent you ask him for. It's obvious!

pinkyredrose · 28/03/2021 11:47

He did say if he lived with me he could get a new car

How fucking irresponsible. Please don't live with him, the resentment will eat you up.

Easterbunnygettingready · 28/03/2021 11:53

A car to impress his ex and dc he is doing well. ..
A good sponger yes....
Keep your chair legs tucked in tight round your table op....

MingeofDeath · 28/03/2021 11:57

The fact that he bails the ex wife out would put me off.

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 12:02

He was honest with the car remark.

This is who he is.
Hand to mouth.

If he moved in would his children be coming to your home with all the wear and tear on your home?

Having the same attitude to money is so important in a successful relationship.

If not, one can feel like the adult and the other just suits themselves.

The pension thing is huge.

Is your pension going to keep you both?.
Will he move into your home with his tiny state pension?

He must be thrilled that you are so savvy and hopefully going to provide a comfortable landing for him.

Before you waste more years, think good and hard how the future will pan out with someone who lives hand to mouth and whose priorities is a new car🙄

Standrewsschool · 28/03/2021 12:14

@Bananalanacake

Try telling him you will only consider talking about living together when he has paid off all his debt and has 5k in savings. See how he reacts to that.

That’s not a bad suggestion. See if he is willing to take financial responsibility for himself.

TigerBeetle · 28/03/2021 12:25

Agree with others about keeping your finances separate and never getting married.

The car comment wouldn't bother me too much. If he moved in and paid you rent, and was saving money because the rent was lower than he's currently paying, presumably you would also be saving (as his rent should still be higher than his share of the bills). So that would be ok.

For me the issue would be more around whether I lose respect for someone with such a different attitude to money. I'm a saver too and it would bother me to see him frittering money away and paying high interest charges unnecessarily.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/03/2021 12:33

He did say if he lived with me he could get a new car

How nice - so instead of considering what he'd contribute, his first thought is what he could buy for himself out of what he'd save

You mentioned that you'd expect him to pay rent if he lived in your place; good luck with thinking that would ever happen on a reliable basis

WorriedMutha · 28/03/2021 12:36

The car comment is the give away. If you fast forward to his retirement, you will be his pension.
You should also wise up to the inheritance rules if you predecease him. If he can show he has to some extent been kept and supported by you, he could make a claim on the estate causing a real headache to your children who will presumably be the beneficiaries under your will.
I think this is a man who might be a fun date but that's it. He needs to settle with someone who shares his reckless financial attitude and you need find someone a bit more responsible.
I don't personally believe that risk taking starts and stops with finances.

AcornAutumn · 28/03/2021 12:39

@Oaktree123

Thanks for the comments. I definitely wouldn't marry him, we are both divorced and my earnings are for my children. It hasn't been an issue so far, as being just bf/gf we don't need to pay anything together. If we lived together it would be in the future, his comment about getting a new car if he lived with me did bother me, it's a,reflection of his whole attitude to money tbh, if he has money he spends it. Then he seems surprised if I buy a bigger item, like new carpets, because I have savings and plan ahead.

If he were to live with me in future he would definitely have to pay rent, but we both know it would be less than he pays for a home on his own currently. I would also make sure he signed an agreement he would have no claim on the house. We aren't really at that stage yet anyway, but interesting to read how in general it doesn't work.

My exH and I had the same attitude to money, all earned about the same as my bf yet exH and I have own properties and savings etc, whereas bf has debt, I can see a very different attitude towards spending!

You can't live together though

He'll end up asking for all kinds of things.

Plus, is there some effect on your credit rating if you have him at your address?

Bluey18 · 28/03/2021 13:22

My DP was frivolous when we met, earned more than me but constantly in his overdraft and with money on credits cards. He did massively improve when I told him what a deal breaker it was for me. Within 3 years he had saved £15,000.

Three things though:

He was mid 20s when we met so he had time to mature a bit.
He had no ex or kids to support, it's two mindsets you'll be working to change there OP, his plus her expectation that he'll bail her out.
He never made cheeky comments about me subsidising him. I am literally at your OH's comment re the car.

I think you would be making a mistake to move in with him. I don't think I could respect this man long term, sorry OP.

Original poster

Oaktree123 · 28/03/2021 13:37

Thanks, I definitely don't ever marry or combine finances with this man. Tbh living together isn't something that would happen anytime soon, I haven't given him that option and he isn't asking for it either atm.

My pension could probably support us both as I've always paid a decent contribution, I wouldn't want to though. I agree with pp that it's hard to respect someone paying 20% interest on a loan who then chooses to buy a new sofa. This type of information has only very slowly come to light tbh. He could quite quickly address his financial problems but he chooses not to.

OP posts:

AcornAutumn · 28/03/2021 13:43

@Oaktree123

Thanks, I definitely don't ever marry or combine finances with this man. Tbh living together isn't something that would happen anytime soon, I haven't given him that option and he isn't asking for it either atm.

My pension could probably support us both as I've always paid a decent contribution, I wouldn't want to though. I agree with pp that it's hard to respect someone paying 20% interest on a loan who then chooses to buy a new sofa. This type of information has only very slowly come to light tbh. He could quite quickly address his financial problems but he chooses not to.

You definitely don't want your pension supporting this guy

In your mind, I'd commit to never living together though tbh I'd ditch such a person, I'd be thinking he'd lose his home.

user1493494961 · 28/03/2021 14:32

Walk away now, it will never work long-term.

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 16:01

OP,
The thing about your pension is, would you want to part with it?

Because it happens.
More often than you imagine.

Respect is so important in a relationship as is knowing your partner has basic cop on.

Paying 20% interest on a credit card and buying a sofa instead of reducing your debt isn't just feckless, it's really, really dim.

Stupidity is a real passion killer IMO.

Having to explain the logic of that to a partner would kill my affection dead.

In a partner, an equal is important.

Not some idiot who can't do basic math re his credit card nor manage his money effectively.

It will get very old if he can't afford holidays and you are left with the choice of living a simple life or funding him.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 28/03/2021 16:04

This man is never going to be financially solvent. I would walk away right now. No matter how lovely he is or how compatible you are in other ways if you make your relationship permanent, one day, when he isn't earning enough to fund his massive debts he is going to need financial help and you will be the one to pay

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 28/03/2021 16:05

Suppose he 'accidentally' loses his home and needs somewhere to stay - you might have a job getting rid of him.

Miasicarisatia · 28/03/2021 16:09

he'd be even more profligate if he had sensible reliable you as a safety net👀
it's a HELL TO THE NO from me!

Ragwort · 28/03/2021 16:19

I would have zero respect for a man (or woman) who was so financially irresponsible despite having DC to care for - I'd love to know how why are so attracted to him OP?

Do NOT let him move into your home.

Zenithbear · 28/03/2021 16:30

I couldn't be with someone so financially irresponsible. Red flag from the beginning for me so it wouldn't have gotten this far.
It would be so irritating and I would resent it especially because my dc are reasonably good with finances.
The problem with 'Just live separately' is that I would feel like the relationship couldn't move forward because of this issue.

mrsbitaly · 28/03/2021 16:52

Run - I say that because I'm married to a man I love who Is terrible with money. I thought it was an age thing but 10 years later he still lives to each payday even though he gets paid more than me and often asks for a lend. I wish I listened to my gut years ago but I have 2 children to consider now and he's a good dad.

ceilingsand · 28/03/2021 16:57

Run. Definitely. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for future misery.