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Relationships

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Original poster

Financially mismatched

78 replies

Oaktree123 · 27/03/2021 21:57

My bf of two years and I have very different finances and financial attitudes. I'm very much a saver, live within my means (I've done both minimum wage and well paid jobs, I never overspend), I've got a home a mortgage, not wealthy but comfortable. Always worked and saved.

Bf is also 40s divorced with kids. He spends all his (higher salary) on rent, bills, maintenance to exW and other 'things'. Both he and his exW seem to be quite 'relaxed' with money, both have loans and credit cards only paying the minimum repayable. She chooses not to work (teenage kids, so she could) and asks bf to pay extra when she overspends, he usually pays it even though he's also in debt.

Back to bf - he has no savings. He lives month to month despite earning a decent salary. Rents so no equity. If I were in his situation I'd be very stressed, sometimes he is, but then he goes out and buys patio furniture, a bbq, a new watch, whatever he fancies. Puts it on the credit card and pays 20% interest because he's already got lots on the credit card. These debts have been going on years.

For us to ever progress he would have to live in my house. It hasn't been discussed recently, but has in the past. I love him but I feel we are incredibly mismatched in our financial attitudes. He likes nice things, as does his exW. Has anyone been in a relationship like this? I would never want to end up like his 'mum' telling him not to buy things while he has debt. But realistically, he and I will always be very mismatched.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 28/03/2021 17:37

Yeah this is bad news. Don't marry him. Don't join finances. People who overspend or live outside their means show poor inhibition control and an unwillingness to face facts and reality - that they aren't as well off as they think they are. Sometimes it's that and sometimes it's about keeping up appearances in their peer group that they can afford this or that when actually they can't.

EarthSight · 28/03/2021 17:43

@KeyboardMash

I'm in a relationship like this. All I'm going to say is: don't. You need to be on the same page with money - at least approximately. DH is a frivolous spender, chaotic, doesn't plan, spends to the end of his paycheck every month... He earns way more than me, and we chug along because we're comfortable despite his habits - but I find it stressful, I'd rather put more away for our and the kids future than we do - but raising this leads to arguments about 'his' money (he doesn't consider it 'his' until I want to limit his spending - he spends on me and the kids too - but won't listen to reason about moderating his habits - or he promises to but then carries on exactly as before...)

Oooh, look - I ended up saying a lot more. Anyway, bottom line: no.

@KeyboardMash When you have kids with someone and your security depends on their finances and choices.....then no.....that money is your family's money, not HIS money. He's spending to the end of his paycheck?? That's so bad. Some people never grow out of this behavior, sadly.

KeyboardMash · 28/03/2021 19:41

EarthSight I have no illusions he'll change - that's kind of my warning to the OP! To clarify - it's all 'our money' in practice, it's just if I ever try and raise the issue he gets snarky. We've been through various attempts to get control of it, none of which work, and are currently in a bizarre situation where I squirrel away money to secretly overpay our joint mortgage. I've made sure I'm not being hard done by, but it's all very stressful and taxing. I recommend it to know one. How long I last in this situation... we'll see.

Whywouldibeinterested · 28/03/2021 19:42

Wouldn’t work for me. And I couldn’t love someone I couldn't trust not to blow all my money given the chance.

May17th · 28/03/2021 19:48

He has poor money management that is the bottom line!

To be honest you might as well end things OP. How long have you been dating?

Tillytwilight · 28/03/2021 20:22

I wouldn’t ever live together. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I wouldn’t want his credit record linked to your address either. What if he becomes ill and unable to work or redundant and struggles to find another job. He sounds like a potential liability and the comment about a new car is astonishing

partyatthepalace · 28/03/2021 20:33

I wouldn’t Op - because while he’s managing to juggle it now, that could easily change, and if you lived together you’d be subbing him and resent it.

However as he is your BF I would give him some tough love and suggests he sees both a therapist and a financial advisor to figure out why he does this.

Original poster

Oaktree123 · 28/03/2021 20:50

@May17th I've been seeing him two years. It was only recently that the extent of his money mismanagement came to light. He told me about the loan he has, which initially I was optimistic he wanted to pay down but then he chose to buy the sofa and some garden furniture. Then I realised he prioritises his 'wants' over common sense, the interest he is paying horrified me. Then I realised his exwife seems to be the same, buying designer clothes but not working, so she asks him for extra maintenance (which he doesnt have!) and often he gives it to her 'for the kids'

It's just difficult as after a couple of years I'm very attached to him and love him. He's not 'costing' me anything as I give him no money, but his financial situation impacts on any potential 'future'. Sad really.

OP posts:

Miasicarisatia · 28/03/2021 21:30

You're a great catch for him👀

May17th · 28/03/2021 21:39

@Oaktree123 I mean you could sit down and be frank with him? Honestly he sounds like he will have debts you don’t know about, he could loose his job tomorrow and you could fall pregnant next week!

I can understand you love him but honestly in my book someone who is a bit scatty with money is usually in some other areas too.

Original poster

Oaktree123 · 28/03/2021 21:47

@May17th there's no chance of getting pregnant. Agree though, he could lose his job, what happens then.

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 28/03/2021 21:55

If I were in his situation I'd be very stressed

If he lived with you, his situation would become your situation too.

LivBa · 29/03/2021 03:30

@GinaJaffacake

...but then I don’t have that level of financial mismatch either because to me, being on the same page financially is one of the cornerstones of a successful relationship. I would never have married nor had children with someone whose values were do at odds with mine. This thread has surprised me.

Agree with this. No idea why someone would choose a life partner plus have children with them yet be unable to trust them with their assets. Why on earth would you attach yourself to someone that irresponsible?

MadamBatty · 29/03/2021 05:53

How would it benefit you to have this man live with you?

Sunflowergirl1 · 29/03/2021 06:17

@Oaktree123 . The problem is that being financially matched in respect of attitudes (not a,ways income) can be as j ports t as for eg sexual compatibility. Even without being married, living with someone like that can eventually take its toll especially as you get older as you will want occasional luxuries and he won't be able to. The other aspect is you will always have the feeling that he is cocklodging at your expense..

Frankly I couldn't have a relationship with someone like that. An ex of mine from years ago was a little like your DP and it drive me mad as he had months when skint due to having to service the ever ongoing merry go around of which credit card to lay more in, stupid interest rates etc...just wouldn't have worked and I still think the same.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 29/03/2021 07:03

I think you will soon start losing respect and getting irritated by him, let alone even contemplate him moving in.

RantyAnty · 29/03/2021 08:55

As much as you care for him, I don't think I could continue with someone like that.

He's in his 40s. It shows a very deep seated kind of selfishness. He has teenagers. It seems like he has given zero thought to paying for university for them or saving for retirement or job loss.

His first comment about buying himself a new car if he moved in with you, shows that deep seated selfishness.

You may love him, but he might love you for how you can benefit him.

diwrnachoflleyn · 29/03/2021 09:02

@StephenBelafonte

What easterbunny said. In my opinion Mumsnetters are far too keen to live with men. If you wouldn't marry someone then don't live with them either is my motto.

This! Why does 'progress' mean having to shack up?

He sees you as a financial way out.

You're fundamentally incompatible so you either continue as you are and do NOT live together or split up.

diwrnachoflleyn · 29/03/2021 09:10

@Oaktree123

Thanks, I definitely don't ever marry or combine finances with this man. Tbh living together isn't something that would happen anytime soon, I haven't given him that option and he isn't asking for it either atm.

My pension could probably support us both as I've always paid a decent contribution, I wouldn't want to though. I agree with pp that it's hard to respect someone paying 20% interest on a loan who then chooses to buy a new sofa. This type of information has only very slowly come to light tbh. He could quite quickly address his financial problems but he chooses not to.

Why are you so desperate to hang onto this man you're even thinking about this living together or your pension supporting the two of you? WTAF? You want to pay to keep a man rather than an adult who stands on his own two feet? A dog would be cheaper! He'll have excuses why he can't pay rent, contribute, more and more.

You'd use your pension to fund him rather than enjoying yourself and treating your kids and possibly grandkids? Why is your self-esteem so low?

This is who he is.

He will never change. Ever.

CookieDoughKid · 29/03/2021 09:15

@timeisnotaline yes my other half does help bring up the children, does his fair share of chores, and in every other respect he is good to children and to me. Just not when it comes to money. He will spend a great deal on holidays and children and fun days out. And he earns a lot. He has A six figure salary but come end of the year he has nothing to show for it except memories. I think if he was earning a lot less and wasn't able to contribute more because he didn't want to...it'd be mor difficult for me to swallow and I'd have walked away ages ago but Ive made peace with it and it's not so bad. We've made an agreement to let me retire early and he carries on and I'll reassess things when it comes to wills later on.

GinIsNotOriginal · 29/03/2021 12:38

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if things have changed and my post is now useless. Don’t get involved- he’s landed on his feet with you and from what I’ve seen with friends in similar situations, resentment builds. They resent the fact he earns more but they are almost the provider of a future. As for the ex.... no way

Miasicarisatia · 29/03/2021 13:00

Only hitch your wagon to someone else's if you mutually benefit from joining forces
this man is only thinking of how HE can benefit if you take up some of HIS slack
He does not want a partner he wants an enabler...

category12 · 29/03/2021 13:35

A LAT (living apart together) relationship is the answer if you want to carry on with him, really.

Living together would risk you ending up subsidising him on the regular and he could drag you down financially. Plus women tend to end taking up the lion's share of housework and mental load, so the disadvantages of living with a man tend to be underestimated.

Miasicarisatia · 29/03/2021 13:44

I am in long-term LAT
I love it, no 'wife work' whatsoever 🤩

Bridget83 · 29/03/2021 14:05

I'd find all that debt and spending habits quite off-putting. It depends how serious you want the relationship to become ultimately. Casual boyfriend fine but anything more than that and you will have to legally and financially protect yourself.

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