Parent / dc relationship, dc not close with dh?

[Handydandydiamonds]

My dc, aged 5 and 11, are much much closer to me than to DH. Some of this is circumstances I suppose - I stayed at home with dc1 until he went to school and then the same with dc2. I work four days a week but I’ve fixed my hours to mainly fit in with school and don’t have a lunch break so that dc2 isn’t in after school club too long. I have always done all the caring, the nighttime waking, when they were ill, getting up in the morning, bedtimes, bath times, meals, taking them to clubs, days out, school runs, assemblies etc. DH has always used Saturdays to play golf so the dc and I have gone out on our own or with friends.

They are now fairly disrespectful to DH at times. I think dc1 started it and dc2 copies. Dc1 will say he hates DH sometimes and is very offhand about him. Says he’s more interested in his ‘stupid golf’ and although sometimes craves dh’s attention is largely not that interested. Dc2 does things like refuse to hug DH when he asks for a hug and made a list of people she loved and he wasn’t on it. I said - you love daddy and she said no, he’s almost on the list but not quite. Her friends and teacher were on the list. Me. Her grandparents. Her brother.
She frequently tells me she loves me the most and it enrages DH. If he says he loves her and she won’t say it back he keeps saying it over and over until she returns it. Or he gets angry and says well I won’t do X for you then.
It makes me sad that there seems to be this division. It feels like me and the dc vs DH. DH went to MiL’s (bubble) and dd wouldn’t go with him and he got really angry. He’s never taken the dc anywhere apart from to MiL’s. He wouldn’t take them to the park or anything on his own. Some of this is time, I mean he works five days a week - but then add in Saturday always being golf and he really doesn’t have a lot of time. Sunday he doesn’t get up very early.
I know DH is upset by it but it manifests as anger.
Is it normal when one parent is the primary carer for it to be with way? My own mum was primary carer and I was closer to her but I loved my dad and was always happy to spend time with him.

I don't know if it's normal but our dc are all much closer to me, especially our eldest. DH spends more time with our dc then you've listed above, usually an outing every weekend, but little else. I'm very much the parent they go to for everything.

Your husband has, to an extent caused this himself. My father worked long hours, sometimes six days a week. But he wanted to spend time with us, took us all sorts of places, talked to us at meal times and did bath, bed and story. As a result we loved and respected him. It’s hard to like and respect a dad who chooses to spend the weekend playing golf and sleeping in. It is really bad that he has never taken them anywhere apart from his mothers. Your children are being very clear with him that they think he does not love them, so they are being defensive in return. It’s up to him, the adult to fix this with the small amount of time he has left and they have left home.

What does he expect?

My DH worked five days a week. He changed nappies, he bathed them, when they were older he put them to bed and read stories. He played. He took them out. He made and effort an made sure he was their dad. They've grown up and love him to bits and so do their children as he's made an effort with them too.

Yours has done nothing. You reap what you sow.

Do you really like living with someone who doesn't care about his children? They've told you how they feel. Listen. He doesn't.

It sounds like they arent his priority and he has never done anything with them so they dont have a relationship.

He sounds a fairly awful father to be honest - refusing to do things and shout when she is clearly telling him that she feels HE doesnt love her

You reap what you sow. He can’t force his DC to love him, why would they? He’s practically a stranger to them. If he wants to earn their love he’s going to have to put in some work.

Listen to your dc.

You definitely reap what you sow with kids.

My DH worked away 5 days a week when the kids were younger and they were far closer to me.

When he changed jobs and was home every night and was able to pick up more of the parenting and spend more time with them there was a massive change in their relationship- has been lovely to see.

Your husband sounds like a crap parent with no interest in his own kids, no wonder they don't rate him much.

He works Mon-Fri then plays golf on Saturdays? What is his role in their lives? What does he do with them in the evening or Sunday?

You get out what you put in! He can't expect it to be unconditional when he doesn't put any effort in with them. It's sad for all of you. Perhaps he needs to start again now.

Why does he think they should feel anything differently? He seemingly has shown them no care, courtesy or consideration. None that a kid would notice.

He chose how he spends his non working time. This is the result.

Tell him he needs to change his actions before it is too late and they move on to actively disliking him!

Do you not make decisions jointly? Did you agree that he would spend every Saturday on his hobby?
(What has he done while golf courses are closed btw?)

When one parent falls into the primary carer role, it can take explicit boundaries to make the other parent balance things out.

Dp and I both work, earn a similar amount and have always shared drop offs/pick ups etc but even then it can feel unbalanced if we don't communicate expectations (eg I've just spent the whole day with DD as dp had stuff he had to do. I expect we'll do the reverse tomorrow. I won't just keep that expectation to myself, I'll be explicit).

Some dad's do that naturally.
Some dad's just need boundaries agreed from the outset and gentle reminders.
Some dad's are disinterested in parenting.

I honestly don't know many in the third category.
Lots in the second though.

He doesn't spend any time with them, doesn't do anything with them one to one... What does he expect?

You were at home and did everything for them and with them.
Not surprising in the least they don't have a bond with DH.
No one is going to get up in the middle of the night to see to a pukey child unless they have to, you have let him off and now he is getting the result.
You should go out on a Sunday and tell DH to take them somewehre and cook the evening meal. Or continue you as you are it's up to you.

My dad worked a lot. Worked away from home for two years and often went on month long work trips but that made the time we spent with him more precious.

We adored him and adored doing things with him because from the second he was home he made the effort to spend time with us to make up for his periods of absences.

Unfortunately he died very suddenly in my early teens just as he was winding down his work hours after my parents were finally at a period of being very financially comfortable.

We had the nice house, nice holidays, nice lifestyle etc and then suddenly none of it mattered a jot anymore. Life is precious and you should spend time with your loved ones.

Perhaps it’s a lesson your husband could take, he has not invested in his children and it’s beginning to show. Maybe he could teach them how to golf instead or heavens forbid taken them to the park for a kick around or something that interests them.

I am a SAHM and do not recognise the relationship your children have with their father. Dh made his children his priority, so home every night for a family dinner, did bath times and bed time stories. At the weekend I would get a lie in on a Sunday, he was up with the children, making them breakfast, chatting away to them.

Even if Dh is doing a tip run where the children cannot get out of the car he will still take one child giving him one to one time with them. He has taken them both out for a "boys' breakfast" without me a few times too.

Your Dh has shown no interest and you haven't helped by being the default full time parent. Now admittedly they don't have to be close to their Dad but any disrespect should be called out by you now. If this was the other way round you would be hurt.

I meant to say my sons are mid-late teens now, still very close with Dh.

To me it seems quite obvious this would happen - either this or the “Disney dad” situation.
We always ensured that dh did lots of the day to day care with dc to build their relationship (not just to give me a life / break).

What does he expect? He doesn't make any effort and he doesn't sound a very nice man. Kids are honest.
One day - sooner or later- they will turn up at his funeral for appearances' sake but not be overly bothered that he's gone.

Quite frankly, your husband is reaping what hes sewn. You cant fix this, only he can put some time in with them to try and improve their relationships.

So he is essentially a stranger who lives in their home. He has chosen to be a stranger to his children, only he can fix that.

You get out what you put in- this is true of all relationships. Luckily children are very forgiving- it’s not too late for him to turn things around.

It isn't because you're primary carer.

It's because he's largely disinterested unless it suits his ego to be told he's loved

It’s not because you are the primary carer, I am with my children. They still have a close relationship with dh. He plays with them, does bath time on his nights off, reads to them, takes them on outings.

It sounds like your dh has never made any effort to do anything with his children and this is the result.

My ex was like that. Everything was more important than the children and me. We divorced 4 years ago. 2 out of the 3 children haven't seen him since - their choice (they were 15 when he moved out). Eldest DC speaks to his father but lives abroad so hasn't seen him in ages.

Well of course they aren’t interested in a relationship with him, he’s done nothing to develop a relationship with them!

Does he expect unquestioning adoration from you just because you are his wife? Or does he actually invest in your relationship? I suspect not from what you’ve said.