Parent / dc relationship, dc not close with dh?

[Handydandydiamonds]

My dc, aged 5 and 11, are much much closer to me than to DH. Some of this is circumstances I suppose - I stayed at home with dc1 until he went to school and then the same with dc2. I work four days a week but I’ve fixed my hours to mainly fit in with school and don’t have a lunch break so that dc2 isn’t in after school club too long. I have always done all the caring, the nighttime waking, when they were ill, getting up in the morning, bedtimes, bath times, meals, taking them to clubs, days out, school runs, assemblies etc. DH has always used Saturdays to play golf so the dc and I have gone out on our own or with friends.

They are now fairly disrespectful to DH at times. I think dc1 started it and dc2 copies. Dc1 will say he hates DH sometimes and is very offhand about him. Says he’s more interested in his ‘stupid golf’ and although sometimes craves dh’s attention is largely not that interested. Dc2 does things like refuse to hug DH when he asks for a hug and made a list of people she loved and he wasn’t on it. I said - you love daddy and she said no, he’s almost on the list but not quite. Her friends and teacher were on the list. Me. Her grandparents. Her brother.
She frequently tells me she loves me the most and it enrages DH. If he says he loves her and she won’t say it back he keeps saying it over and over until she returns it. Or he gets angry and says well I won’t do X for you then.
It makes me sad that there seems to be this division. It feels like me and the dc vs DH. DH went to MiL’s (bubble) and dd wouldn’t go with him and he got really angry. He’s never taken the dc anywhere apart from to MiL’s. He wouldn’t take them to the park or anything on his own. Some of this is time, I mean he works five days a week - but then add in Saturday always being golf and he really doesn’t have a lot of time. Sunday he doesn’t get up very early.
I know DH is upset by it but it manifests as anger.
Is it normal when one parent is the primary carer for it to be with way? My own mum was primary carer and I was closer to her but I loved my dad and was always happy to spend time with him.

Was mulling over your situation this morning and one thing stood out to me:

If he says he loves her and she won’t say it
back he keeps saying it over and over until
she returns it. Or he gets angry and says
well I won’t do X for you then.

So what he’s teaching her is that she must give in to a man and that men get their own way if they are forceful enough.

Is that a message you want her taking into adulthood?

Agree with what has been said about him bringing it on himself. You haven't mentioned much about your relationship with him. Does he spend any quality time with you? Can you respect a man who opts out of family life? A man who chooses not to spend time with you and the children? A man who lets you take on all the work of being a parent like the early mornings and the night wakings?

““If he says he loves her and she won’t say it
back he keeps saying it over and over until
she returns it. Or he gets angry and says
well I won’t do X for you then.””

“So what he’s teaching her is that she must give in to a man and that men get their own way if they are forceful enough.

Is that a message you want her taking into adulthood?”

@Handydandydiamonds
This with bells on. This is an extremely bad message she is absorbing. It is incredibly important for children to have autonomy over who they express affection to and how they express it, and this is particularly true for girls. She will grow into a very vulnerable young woman if she feels obliged to express affection when she doesn’t want to.

It's odd in a way, men who make no changes to their lives after having children, yet expect adoration and respect just because of their title.

Exactly what on earth is the POINT of him??!

This was my dad too. Knew nothing about us. It was very easy for him to acquire a mistress when we were teens because he was so disengaged from family life. They divorced when I was in my 20s.

Fast forward - he is 82 and looking for an adult child to take care of him in his old age. It ain't gonna be me. I haven't spoken to him or seen him in 25 years. Yet, through the grapevine I hear he expects me to do so. He's an idiot.

You might remind your DH that he needs to develop a genuine caring relationship with his children because he will be old one day and might need help - and he will want children who WANT to help him. He won't be able to manipulate love and caring rom them like he is doing now because they are minors.

OP none of this is circumstantial.

It's not because you're SAHP.

It's not because he's so amazingly busy or tired.

It's not because he's lazy, even.

It's because he isn't the slightest bit interested in his children as people. He doesn't want to spend time with them. He doesn't like them (and by that I don't mean he DISlikes them, I mean he doesn't actively like them - want to be with them, want to talk to them, want to hear what they think and have a laugh with them). He has never, ever, made time for them or shown them in any way that they are important to him and he is there for them and cares for them.

Even the tiny amount of time he 'parents' - he takes them to his mother and does nothing directly with them in a different house.

He does not give one tiny shit about them. And they are now beginning to see that very clearly.

What on earth is surprising about the fact that they in return don't love him, don't like him, and don't respect him?

Does it not occur to you that they see other dads in action, the dads of their friends, dads on tv, they see other examples of family relationships - and they compare that to him and they have nothing but contempt. Rightly so. He's an appalling father in every way.

The fact that he dares to get angry at your dd, that he reacts the way he does - omg, his feet wouldn't touch the floor in this house - he would have a few hard home truths aimed straight at his nasty little ass quick smart. He wants to be told that he is loved? Then earn it. Inspire it. How sickening - and so, so THICK - to try and bully a declaration of love out of his daughter. Yep. That's really going to help, isn't it? Make her actively hate you rather than just dislike you!

I can't see that he's any better as a husband - he can't be - to be so selfish, awful, self -obsessed... he can't be a rewarding person to live with, he can't be a support or a pleasure to have as a life partner. Do you want to stay? Your children would probably be better off with the honesty of a split, because he does not value the family except as a 'thing' the successful man has. The people in the family don't really exist for him.

Next time he shows his absolutely inexcusable 'anger' - do something to stick up for your children and tell him that he is reaping EXACTLY what he has sown and if he wants to turn it around, it is entirely on him to change his behaviour and try and build a relationship with them. Before it is too late.

@Dery

““If he says he loves her and she won’t say it back he keeps saying it over and over until she returns it. Or he gets angry and says well I won’t do X for you then.””

“So what he’s teaching her is that she must give in to a man and that men get their own way if they are forceful enough.

Is that a message you want her taking into adulthood?”

@Handydandydiamonds
This with bells on. This is an extremely bad message she is absorbing. It is incredibly important for children to have autonomy over who they express affection to and how they express it, and this is particularly true for girls. She will grow into a very vulnerable young woman if she feels obliged to express affection when she doesn’t want to.

Oh and yes to this!

If you sit there and let this nasty non-father bully her in this way you will do a LOT of damage.