Parent / dc relationship, dc not close with dh?

[Handydandydiamonds]

My dc, aged 5 and 11, are much much closer to me than to DH. Some of this is circumstances I suppose - I stayed at home with dc1 until he went to school and then the same with dc2. I work four days a week but I’ve fixed my hours to mainly fit in with school and don’t have a lunch break so that dc2 isn’t in after school club too long. I have always done all the caring, the nighttime waking, when they were ill, getting up in the morning, bedtimes, bath times, meals, taking them to clubs, days out, school runs, assemblies etc. DH has always used Saturdays to play golf so the dc and I have gone out on our own or with friends.

They are now fairly disrespectful to DH at times. I think dc1 started it and dc2 copies. Dc1 will say he hates DH sometimes and is very offhand about him. Says he’s more interested in his ‘stupid golf’ and although sometimes craves dh’s attention is largely not that interested. Dc2 does things like refuse to hug DH when he asks for a hug and made a list of people she loved and he wasn’t on it. I said - you love daddy and she said no, he’s almost on the list but not quite. Her friends and teacher were on the list. Me. Her grandparents. Her brother.
She frequently tells me she loves me the most and it enrages DH. If he says he loves her and she won’t say it back he keeps saying it over and over until she returns it. Or he gets angry and says well I won’t do X for you then.
It makes me sad that there seems to be this division. It feels like me and the dc vs DH. DH went to MiL’s (bubble) and dd wouldn’t go with him and he got really angry. He’s never taken the dc anywhere apart from to MiL’s. He wouldn’t take them to the park or anything on his own. Some of this is time, I mean he works five days a week - but then add in Saturday always being golf and he really doesn’t have a lot of time. Sunday he doesn’t get up very early.
I know DH is upset by it but it manifests as anger.
Is it normal when one parent is the primary carer for it to be with way? My own mum was primary carer and I was closer to her but I loved my dad and was always happy to spend time with him.

If he wants he could turn this round.
He needs to spend time with them and show some unconditional love!

@Crimeismymiddlename

Your husband has, to an extent caused this himself. My father worked long hours, sometimes six days a week. But he wanted to spend time with us, took us all sorts of places, talked to us at meal times and did bath, bed and story. As a result we loved and respected him. It’s hard to like and respect a dad who chooses to spend the weekend playing golf and sleeping in. It is really bad that he has never taken them anywhere apart from his mothers. Your children are being very clear with him that they think he does not love them, so they are being defensive in return. It’s up to him, the adult to fix this with the small amount of time he has left and they have left home.

What Crimeismymiddlename said. It's on him. Getting angry is not going to make the kids like him anymore. My DH worked full time and I very part time when ours were small and when he was home, he was a co-parent. I did most of it when they were babies and small children, but he does/did more now they are older, so much so, a lot of the time they'll shout "Dad!" When they need something, rather than Mum. You DH needs to fix this, not you or you children, and not by throwing a tantrum himself.

It's his fault for not being around, and your fault for letting him tap out of parenting.

@SimonJT

So he is essentially a stranger who lives in their home. He has chosen to be a stranger to his children, only he can fix that.

Well, I think the mother can help too by actually stepping back and making the father contribute to the family.

Ah stop. It's op's fault because she didn't make him parent. Nope. Unless op actually pulls story books out of his hands or pushes him aside from parenting moments in isn't her fault at all.

@apurplecar

It's his fault for not being around, and your fault for letting him tap out of parenting.

You can't make a disinterested parent interested.

And it would be the same if they split up, he'd still do as little as possible on 'his' days

He doesn’t spend any time with them. Why would they love someone they barely know?
Our DC adore their Dad. He plays with them, reads with them, takes them out at weekends, chats to them, is interested in their lives.

Dh’s pre lockdown weekend was:
Saturday golf. All day. Get up and go out for 9am. Go and see his mother after. Back about 6pm.
Sunday: get up about 11ish. Have lunch. Go and see his mother but take the children with him. However she then does everything for them.

In the better weather he plays golf twice a week in the evenings too.

He doesn’t know what years they are in at school for example. The names of their teachers. Those sorts of things.
In the evening he lies on the sofa and watches tv. Stuff he wants to watch.

During lockdown, with no golf, Saturday is now get up about 11am, go for a run, have a lie down, go and see his mother.
Sunday is get up about 11am, lie on sofa, eat lunch, possibly take the dc out for a walk with me. Would never take them on his own.

Maybe it is my fault for allowing it, not sure.

What a deadbeat, how can you possibly find that appealing and attractive? All he contributes is having a job (like every other adult, it’s not special), and sperm. Poor kids burdened with such a loser who openly couldn’t give a shit about them.

I’m not saying it’s your fault but have you never mentioned/discussed this with him before? Did you not need his help, as it seems like you’ve done all the parenting?
I would not have agreed to let him spend a whole day at golf every weekend, that’s for sure! No wonder the kids aren’t bothered about him - they’ve hardly seen him.

I think it’s laziness as much as anything.
When we’re on holiday he still tends to get up late though and I sort the kids out. All the packing and unpacking too.
At the end of the working day he’s often snappy and tired and says to them he’s been at work all day and now he’s having a rest. He works 8.30-5 but he’s been working from home for a long time now, pre pandemic, so no commute. I work 8.30 - 4 four days a week but I’m out at 8am and not back until 4.30 so I don’t feel it’s that much different. I suppose I have a day free though.

He is reaping what he sowed. Stupid golf says it all, a perceptive child.

I’ve just got on with it. My and the dc have had loads of lovely days out on Saturdays. Before covid.

Your husband has caused all of this and he's surprised? He's treated his children as an afterthought their entire lives, and they know it. Reap what you sow and all that.

Had it been him taking them somewhere nice every week and sending me the photos I’d have felt I were missing out and would have wanted to go.
We’ve been to theme parks, the beach, farms, cities, museums, art galleries. All sorts of things.

He’s always said he needs golf to relax after a week at work. It’s his time out.

What do you actually think about it/him?

Your DH has brought this upon himself. He hasn't invested his time in his children, instead choosing to invest it in himself. Kids aren't stupid and they've got the measure of him. He's reaping what he's sown.

@Handydandydiamonds

I’ve just got on with it. My and the dc have had loads of lovely days out on Saturdays. Before covid.

Did you not want your DH to go too? Why have you not discussed it? Surely he could have compromised and gone to golf every other week for example or did he refuse? I get being lazy but life changes when you decide to have kids - did he want to be a parent?

My DH returned to work 6 weeks after DS was born. He used that time off to be a full present dad, but when he went back it was easier to let it slide and let me do the majority of the work. After just a few weeks DH was struggling to calm DS and he couldn't work out the problem as normally DS was so calm. He handed him to me and DS instantly calmed. DH was gutted. Just a couple of weeks of less work and his DS wasn't as close to him. He immediate set about correcting this and now DS is 7 and adores his Daddy.

You have a DH problem.....I would be amazed if you’re still together in 10 hrs time at this rate

Kids aren't stupid and will have attachments to people they are closest to.

If you dh hasn't interacted with them, changed nappies, fed, bathed, got up with them in the night, been there during illness, taken them for days out ( the list goes on ) them no, they won't be close to him. I bet they prefer nursery and school staff to him, as they will interact and give them attention. Your dh, their father, isn't important to them, as he's given them the impression they aren't important to him.

My dc were like this with my exh. Strangely enough they have a better relationship with him now because he's been forced to interact with them as he has them in his own eow.

The good thing about this is he can change Thai situation, it's in his power to change this situation, but he has to put the effort in with them. That means replacing gold with them on a weekend, making an effort to feed, bath and do bedtime routine with them during the week, being there for them when they are ill at 4am

Your DH has failed to build a relationship with them and can't now be cross that they don't have one. My DH works 5 days and week and longer hours than your DH. He does 50% of bath times and bed times. He asks DS about his day every evening at dinner. He knows the names of DS' teachers and friends. At the weekend he spends all of both days with us as a family. He goes on day trips with us and plays lots of games with DS. He and DS have a close relationship as a result.

I’m used to it, it was like it from way before the children. It carried on when they were born, even when they were newborns. In fact he went and played when I was in hospital with them as well.
I suppose maybe I should have pushed it a bit more. When I’ve said something he’s said he will have one weekend off month and has for that month and then they’ll be a competition or something and he’s back to every week the following month.

What’s this thread for? You don’t sound too bothered that your kids are being treated like that by your shit choice in males.