Concerns about future ruining what could be a perfect life

[Crossrhodes]

So it’s a long complicated situation, but to summarise, in my mid twenties I had a one night stand with my now DP. I didn’t know him well but I knew of his family, his brother was 8 years older than me and we had a few friends in common. Small town situation where you knew peoples surnames! I ended up pregnant from it, and it was a pretty dark time actually but my now DP handled it all amazingly. He wanted to be involved, it turned out he was older than I thought and was in late thirties and had always wanted kids. His dad had killed himself, and as he was the oldest he sort of stepped up to help his mum so was prioritising her and his career, so he hadn’t ever got married or had kids. He’d had a few serious relationships but had always put his career first.

He supported me through the pregnancy amazingly, as friends. Eventually we agreed to give it a go and we went from strength to strength and we now have a crazy toddler and are engaged. We made a positive from what could of been a really negative situation, and without putting pressure on it we’ve ended up here. On one hand I am so happy, we are currently planning a wedding, had an offer accepted on a house, we have a gorgeous DC (and both want more), we have a comfortable life financially and most importantly, really love and support each other.

I just have this stupid little niggle I am struggling to get past. I know that this isn’t what I would of chosen for myself. He is my perfect person and would of been the exact kind of guy I wanted, but I would of wanted him to be about 8-10 years younger. I like a man to be older than me, but not by 15 years. I wouldn’t of pursued a serious relationship with a man so much older. It worries me that as I’m approaching my early thirties and he’s nearly halfway through his fourties in a few years. I’m worried that I’m going to miss out on 15 energetic, youthful, fun years with a young family. I’m worried about being left behind young. He looks in his thirties still, and is the best dad my son could ask for, has bounds of energy and is such a great guy I just worry how long it will last. In my head 25-45 was one of the best bits of life, raising young kids, still being youthful and energetic, travelling, buying houses etc and I’m only 5 years into that period and he’s nearly finishing it.

Sometimes I panic that I’ve got myself in this situation, really. I have fear of missing out on what my life might be like in the future compared to if I married someone the same age. None of my friends or family get my concern at all, my mum says I’ve got a kind, loving supportive partner who wants to marry me, a happy child, a gorgeous home and that I have nothing to worry about. I don’t know if it’s the looming commitment of marriage and buying a house making me so worried, but I’m struggling with it. We have our son and he needs to be the priority, and he deserves a stable loving family and home (which he has!) and it would be selfish, and probably completely idiotic to walk away from my lovely little family/life but I am very concerned.

Has anyone been in a situation where they’ve unexpectedly ended up with someone older? Do you feel like you skipped a big section of your life? I know age gap relationships are a thing, but I just want a relationship, a marriage. Thinking of it as an age gap relationship freaks me out as it is never something I would of sought out. Can anyone offer me any advice? I’m considering therapy but I just want my nerves to settle.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. Doubt and niggles are normal at different stages, I am 6 years younger than my partner and there were times I though 'what if', was I settling too young, was there a better life etc but in all honesty I would now be happy for him to be 15 years older, it wouldn't change that he was the right person for me.

Conversely the younger man you might be envisioning could stop looking after himself at 30 and act and look much older than your current partner, fit healthy vibrant people get devastating news about illnesses out of the blue.

I think rationally you know it is your brain doing the grass is greener trick but if your partner is as good as you say he is then it sounds like a wonderful life.

Are you in love with him? The age gap and your worries aside, not once in your post did you mention being in love with your DP. Is this just an oversight, or does it reflect that you have a very practical, caring, mutually supportive relationship with a good man, but aren’t sure it’s enough?

Because you don’t have to stay with a man just because he’s good and kind to you and a great dad to your children. He can be an excellent dad with the two of you separated, and you’d both have the opportunity to find new partners who you loved and were more suited to.

Wale90 is right, there are no guarantees in life and youth isn’t necessarily a protection again ill-health or disability. And if your DP already looks after his health and keeps fit then he’s more likely to remain energetic and retain a youthful outlook than if he were already a bit of a couch potato. And for all that you’re worrying about “skipping a section of your life”, surely you’ve already chosen to have the same life, by settling down in a comfortable routine to raise a family? It isn’t as if your youth means you want to be travelling the world carefree and footloose whilst his age means he wants to settle down.

Be thankful you do not have much bigger problems to keep you up at night. Unless there are other age related issues that have already begun to cause problems?

With your intention to birth more children, it may end up being you who has less energy to do anything else.

What have you seen or heard that has told you this can become a problem?

Sorry it was a long OP so may of been missed! “ On one hand I am so happy, we are currently planning a wedding, had an offer accepted on a house, we have a gorgeous DC (and both want more), we have a comfortable life financially and most importantly, really love and support each other.” When I say really love, I do mean in love, in a way I think our sort of giddy falling in love spell was different than it would be in a standard relationship, because we did everything backwards. Our son was already a few months old before we even gave it a go romantically. I think that’s part of my doubts, I feel like I missed a big section of my life of meeting the one and having the big build up. Those early days are always so fun in relationships.

Where I am is perfect in the sense of it is what I’ve always wanted. We get on so well and I really do love him. My heart literally explodes for my son. We struggled growing up and never had much, and DP had a hard time too but we’re comfortable, buying a 4 bed detached house with a big garden, it all feels a bit pinch me! This exciting feeling of we’re just starting out with building our family and our home and our lives but then I get this sick feeling that this is the best it’ll ever be as he’s only going to get older.

Whoever said grass is always greener, that’s exactly where I’m at. I’m not unhappy in my situation, there’s just this stupid thought at the back of my head tainting everything that the grass would of been greener if I hadn’t gone down this unconventional route.

It couldn’t be all that much greener because as you said, the baby is already here, that does complicate the honeymoon phases quite a lot. Unless you would be comfortable leaving your child with others for long periods of time whilst you chase men who may or may not treat you well. Have you thought of the alternatives ALL the way through to the end?

Just goes to show, for example, you can give someone the very best there possibly could be, but if it has come too easily to them, just fallen into their lap, they do not appreciate it, they assume every situation may be similar or better. Ignorance is bliss.

I get your worry about the healthy age related disability free years of your lives being cut short. But it could happen to either of you at any point. A bit of counselling might help you come to your own thoughts about what you want. A chat together about what you see your very long term future, retirement anc pensions being like and what you would hope for from that, might also help.
I know older generations have been able to plan for eg the female partner to retire younger so that they were more ‘in step’ with this, might not be possible for our generations unless we are very fortunate/organised!

Your health might fail before his, nothing's certain. As an aside, I think you've given a lot of identifying information.

The Hollywood fantasy timeline of meet perfect man, date for a while, get engaged, get married, have babies, live happily ever after really isn’t as ubiquitous as you seem to think; and even where it does happen, there’s no guarantee of the final stage - it could just as easily end in divorce. Life isn’t always the tidy gift wrapped parcel we want it to be. Really very few people end up with the perfect picture of how they thought their relationship would be - and if you’re in love with a very decent person who wants the same things as you do then it’s probably time to count your blessings over your worries.

Are you a bit of a perfectionist and focussed on perfection in other aspects of your life? If so, that might be something to address with talking therapy, learning how you can “let go” of worrying about everything needing to be exactly as you think it should be. What Cupoftchaiagain says is also an excellent idea, for the two of you to talk properly about how you see the age gap affecting you as you get older, what you foresee for retirement considering one of you will retire long before the other, how you would approach ill health and so on.

And as an aside, you could have the excitement the early days of meeting somebody new, if you considered an open relationship. But to to that I expect you’ll say “oh no, that’s not my type of thing at all!” So really, your relationship isn’t particularly unconventional at all, and you wouldn’t actually want to swap it, even if you had the choice.

Thank you. It’s a horrible feeling as just a few weeks ago I was so excited for our future but now I’ve just got this feeling that it’s all downhill from here and it makes me feel so guilty. Really he is just starting out in the same way I am I just wish we had 35 years of relative youth and fun together whereas in my head now we’ll have maybe 20 before things get tough. I’m hoping I’m just totally overthinking it.

I think you need to get to a place where you can accept you've made your choices. As PP say, your child is already here. You can't unring that bell and presumably you don't want to. So even if the two of you split and you were free to find a younger man, you'd still be juggling childcare and hoping they'd treat you decently and managing joint custody.

This is the life you chose. What's the point of dwelling on some kind of parallel universe that you can never, ever get to? If you're really caught up in never-never then you may need to get help with letting go of that.

I think this sounds like a more generalised anxiety. Honestly, we don't get to pick how life turns out - this year has really taught us that!

I know so many couples who have absolutely assumed that one of them would die/get ill first, and it's been the other way around. And speaking as someone older than 45, I don't think things change much then! 55, perhaps - but in the case of the age-gap couples I know, the older always seems way way younger than their years.

Reasonable concerns to have OP, but it really sounds like you have a lovely life now and future ahead.

Is he active, fit and healthy? Does he have a young outlook now? If he's not already old before his time now, chances are that will continue.

Talk to him. Sounds like with his family situation he maybe missed out on the fun 20s/30s years, life isn't perfect and you have to grab happiness with both hands when you find it.

The issues may come later, when your children are more independent and you're the age he is now, he will be edging into his 60s. Sex drives can differ, energy levels and zest for new adventures. But, if he is looks after his health and fitness, is engaged with life it should be fine. And children keep you young too. I know no one can guard against illness and accidents at any age.

Different situation, but I am still with my first love 20+yrs on. Sometimes I wonder if I've missed out and I expect he does too, but I know deep down I would choose him again every time, because I adore him. I sometimes fantasise that we just met a bit later, but the ending is still the same so I know I'm happy with him. Would you?

If it helps you are totally over thinking it. Your partner is who he is because he is older. Even he would not have been the man you met if you had met him when he was younger if you get what I mean.
Also, just because he is older than you, you are assuming he will have poor health and lack energy sooner than you. Not necessarily so - its partly down to genes and how well someone looks after themselves. You could lack energy before him!
My mother is 73 and I am 50 - but she could out do me in the energy stakes a million to one. The Christmas before Covid we were walking down a very long pier when I turned around to see my mother racing my the 13 year old twins down the pier - and she was clearly not only keeping up - but she wasn't even panting. She regularly looks after my sister's 3 young children - at one point my sister and her hubby went away for a week and my mum and my dad looked after all 3 kids who ranged in age from 2-7.
I think having a younger wife and young children will keep your hubby young as he will want/need to keep pace with you all. But if it still bothers you you should consider talking to a professional about it - maybe you need help processing things or maybe you are hiding what is really bothering you at the moment. Is it the committment of the engagement and the house? Does it seem so final?

If it helps OP my parents are over 20 years apart in age and have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. My mum has always been very mature for their age and my dad has always been very young at heart. They are a great match. My mum has more problems with her health than my dad even though he is now in his late 70's but they are both generally active & healthy. If the worst were to happen tomorrow they would still have had a wonderful full life together. Anything can happen at any time and age doesn't have to be an issue in you having a lovely future together.

So, you are approaching 30 and he's nearer 45?
Usually age gaps matter as you are on different pages in life but yours sound perfectly aligned. And you mention he looks/acts younger.
I do understand what you mean though. Once your child has grown up, it'll just be you and him. You'll be say, 45 and he'll be 60. I'm mid 50's and I'm looking forward to having a bit more freedom again as DS will be a teenager this Yr. I'd want a partner who can keep up and share my enthusiasm for fun and adventure. Is that what you are worried about? Very ageist, but when I was doing OLD, I put down 5 yrs either way. My DP is 4 yrs younger.
Thing is, ill health/slowing down can hit anytime so you have to live your life as it is now.
Bottom line is that you love him, have a wonderful life together. It's not how you planned it but you can't undo what's done. Marry him and be happy. You can't turn back time.

Live for today OP, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.

Any reason you need to marry him?

Honestly op I'm if the opinion that it can be hard to find a nice fella and you should hold on to one when you do.

But people come and go throughout life.
You can only really depend on yourself. It works for you now as a relationship, good. But honestly it probably won't always. Because people change. And you can already see a big incompatibility on the horizon. You'd be bonkers to cement yourself into this.

Theres no need to break up. But make sure you are working, maintaining separate bank accounts and maintaining your independence. Because chances are, in a few years you're going to want something different.

I mean, I guess you could say that of any relationship. But you can already see the major incompatibility on the horizon.

It doesn't need to be an issue right now. But it will be in future. Obviously. So don't tie yourself into something you already know in your heart of hearts may not be the right thing to do.

Some good replies, thank you. I am taking it all on board.

As for marriage, I’ve always wanted to get married. I know he does too. We do love each other. We are a family. It’s the logical next step and I think it would break his heart if I say I won’t marry him because of his age. I don’t want to make out that he’s past it, as much as my brain is trying to convince me that he is

Tell him you dont want to get married because it's a waste of money? Or some other excuse?

That being said, some might argue you could be better off marrying because if you split then,you might have more financial protection ect...

I mean if it doesnt work out, theres always divorce.

But I do want to get married. I’m scared of the future in the same breathe. Does that mean I don’t get married? I’m just worried I’m overthinking and that I’m ruining my nice life - including marriage - for myself. That I should just go into this with an open mind and heart and let it happen as it has so far. I’m so overwhelmed by this pressure to get my life right.

You are overthinking this.

Grab happiness with both hands and live in the present.

You could get sick to OP, it’s not just older people that get sick etc. He could outlive you!
You have this lovely man and great life and you want to throw it away for someone a bit younger (who could still get sick etc). I think your panicking about the marriage, wedding jitters? surely covid is brilliant time to postpone it?

If you really are genuinely concerned then you need to tell him and take a break.

Tomorrow is promised to nobody. You'd be mad to throw away a happy relationship and family life for a hypothetical future. DH and I were closer in age but he still died suddenly at 42. I could never have predicted that. But even if I could have, I still would have wanted to be with him.

One of my friends died in her mid twenties. One of my school friends died aged 11. Age is no guarantee of life. He could easily outlive you. You’re overthinking it.

I think that lots of people would love to be in your position !
A partner who seems to love & want to be with you
A healthy child
Planning a wedding
Planning to buy a property together
Support from your wider family

You are starting the next phase of your life
You should be excited