Concerns about future ruining what could be a perfect life

[Crossrhodes]

So it’s a long complicated situation, but to summarise, in my mid twenties I had a one night stand with my now DP. I didn’t know him well but I knew of his family, his brother was 8 years older than me and we had a few friends in common. Small town situation where you knew peoples surnames! I ended up pregnant from it, and it was a pretty dark time actually but my now DP handled it all amazingly. He wanted to be involved, it turned out he was older than I thought and was in late thirties and had always wanted kids. His dad had killed himself, and as he was the oldest he sort of stepped up to help his mum so was prioritising her and his career, so he hadn’t ever got married or had kids. He’d had a few serious relationships but had always put his career first.

He supported me through the pregnancy amazingly, as friends. Eventually we agreed to give it a go and we went from strength to strength and we now have a crazy toddler and are engaged. We made a positive from what could of been a really negative situation, and without putting pressure on it we’ve ended up here. On one hand I am so happy, we are currently planning a wedding, had an offer accepted on a house, we have a gorgeous DC (and both want more), we have a comfortable life financially and most importantly, really love and support each other.

I just have this stupid little niggle I am struggling to get past. I know that this isn’t what I would of chosen for myself. He is my perfect person and would of been the exact kind of guy I wanted, but I would of wanted him to be about 8-10 years younger. I like a man to be older than me, but not by 15 years. I wouldn’t of pursued a serious relationship with a man so much older. It worries me that as I’m approaching my early thirties and he’s nearly halfway through his fourties in a few years. I’m worried that I’m going to miss out on 15 energetic, youthful, fun years with a young family. I’m worried about being left behind young. He looks in his thirties still, and is the best dad my son could ask for, has bounds of energy and is such a great guy I just worry how long it will last. In my head 25-45 was one of the best bits of life, raising young kids, still being youthful and energetic, travelling, buying houses etc and I’m only 5 years into that period and he’s nearly finishing it.

Sometimes I panic that I’ve got myself in this situation, really. I have fear of missing out on what my life might be like in the future compared to if I married someone the same age. None of my friends or family get my concern at all, my mum says I’ve got a kind, loving supportive partner who wants to marry me, a happy child, a gorgeous home and that I have nothing to worry about. I don’t know if it’s the looming commitment of marriage and buying a house making me so worried, but I’m struggling with it. We have our son and he needs to be the priority, and he deserves a stable loving family and home (which he has!) and it would be selfish, and probably completely idiotic to walk away from my lovely little family/life but I am very concerned.

Has anyone been in a situation where they’ve unexpectedly ended up with someone older? Do you feel like you skipped a big section of your life? I know age gap relationships are a thing, but I just want a relationship, a marriage. Thinking of it as an age gap relationship freaks me out as it is never something I would of sought out. Can anyone offer me any advice? I’m considering therapy but I just want my nerves to settle.

Huh? Seriously? Honey I don't know whether to laugh at you or shout at you. I'll try being compassionate and just say, you have won life's lottery. Your DP is not old. He won't be old for another 30 years. You could easily develop cancer or some other awful illness and die before him. He could be you age and get killed in an accident. You are making a problem where there isn't one.

"20 years before it gets tough"

It can be tough tomorrow !

The state retirement age is currently 68 & I expect that it will increase higher for younger people in the future.

Life has its ups & downs

Be happy for the now !

Nobody can predict the future

Thank you.. you are so right. I have to realise what I’ve got in front of me. I am one of the lucky ones. Why do our minds play the grass is greener trick, it’s exhausting.

@melononapear

If it helps OP my parents are over 20 years apart in age and have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. My mum has always been very mature for their age and my dad has always been very young at heart. They are a great match. My mum has more problems with her health than my dad even though he is now in his late 70's but they are both generally active & healthy. If the worst were to happen tomorrow they would still have had a wonderful full life together. Anything can happen at any time and age doesn't have to be an issue in you having a lovely future together.

This is lovely, I missed this comment. Thank you for sharing.

Sounds like you have a good thing going, just enjoy it. Nothing is promised to us. A good friend of mine aged 32 came home to find her DP dead from a heart attack aged 35. Age doesn't matter. Myself I have 12 years between me and DH. Will it manifest later? Maybe. But this is who I love and he's a wonderful husband and father. And who's to say it won't be me who will suddenly develop a health issue? No one knows, and if the pandemic has taught us anything it's that you just don't know which way anyone's health can go.

Don't be tempted to walk away from a good thing just because of years. I know plenty of younger couples closer in age who don't do half the things me and my little family do (pre covid of course). We were always out and about enjoying life.

Could it be because you feel like this because you never really chose this relationship and if you hadn’t got pregnant maybe you would not have chosen him?Sometimes someone really loving you and being more than ready to settle down and smoothing the path to make all the right milestones happen can make you feel like you should really love them and be ready for all the things that they are ready for.
I think you can be a great mum without being married I think having an unexpected pregnancy and then a child with someone doesn’t mean you have to make a life with them. It would be movie perfect if that happened but maybe not perfect for you. You don’t have to tie your whole life up with his man, he can still be a great dad but you don’t have to grow old with him. Maybe you feel like some of your youth has been stolen by becoming a mum younger than you planned and now having an older partner makes it feel like your youth has disappeared overnight.
Also there is quite a lot of change of identity in becoming a mum, it is a lot to then be very quickly becoming a wife, maybe just take more time.

Thank you. Yes our wedding will be delayed for a while due to Covid. So hopefully my feelings will of settled by then. He really is the kind of guy I’d want regardless of how we got here. I think I just find it hard as I fancy him so much now, and he’s been good looking for years. If we were the same age I’d of had 15 years of him being a looker before we got old and saggy together. I don’t want to lose that attraction and be 45 myself and not attracted to him anymore. It’s just a weird one. I don’t want him to slow down and become an old man whilst I’m way behind him.

But we could have so many happy years if I can just stop dwelling on the future.

That sounded more shallow then I meant it too..

I think it's pre commitment nerves. I went absolutely insane before my wedding. Just breathe. The only certainties are that you love him now and you have a child together and a happy family life. You can't control what happens in the future by trying to avoid making mistakes. Nobody gets perfect. You are on a pretty good looking path - enjoy the road and see where it goes.

OP - a lot of wise things have been said to you.
I never intended to marry or have children- I wanted a specific career. Came close to it but never got it.
I never planned to bury my first full term baby or have her next sister (my only living child) at 42 who is seriously disabled.
My DH is 6 years younger than me.
I won’t describe our relationship but here’s the positives.
I’m 46. I look 10 years younger (I’m told) and have the energy of a twenty six year old despite drinking too much, hardly sleeping and smoking (gave up for having children but when my DD was born started again after she almost died).
I never get time to myself. Ever.
But I STILL have more energy etc than my DH.
I’m betting he’ll be saggy before I am!!

All the things you wanted to do between 25-45 don't have to be done at that age - it just so happens he's doing them now, with you. You can travel, buy houses, you have your child: only you have the benefit of a DP who's been able to prioritise their career for a while first.

Don't think of it that he's passed a stage you want to be in together: you are doing it together, the age part is irrelevant (because health and energy aren't necessarily tied to your age - I'm 31 and an exhausted person who isn't energetic enough for the kind of life you say you want due to illness, my dad is almost 60 and going to festivals!).

Well said krazynights34. Life has thrown up some pretty hard stuff for you but you sound so positive. OP l think you need to be more like krazynights in your attitude. You have a huge amount to be grateful for. Try to enjoy it and appreciate that you have many many of the things that people strive for and some never get. Live for today as tomorrow may never come.

The age gap is a little big but not huge. More to the point it’s just one part of what sounds like a very good life.

No one gets absolutely everything they want, and it appears you have a bit too much time on your hands to overthink things. Are you back at work?

A few niggles are part of life, nothing is ever perfect - just get on with enjoying your life - and find a bit more to do, if that’s part of the issue.

Thank you. It’s so frustrating because I understand everything you all say and I know it’s right but my brain is just constantly going “but what if I was with someone younger” and just feeling jealous that my friends with same age partners get an extra decade and a half with young fit partners and mine will go downhill way beforehand. It’s not overly rational I agree. I just need to convince myself of that!

If he has boundless energy and looks younger what do you think will happen when he is 46.

You could end up with some who is 30 who struggles to do anything energetic and is old before their time.

Post 45 you don’t turn into a doddery person if you haven’t ever been a doddery person

Maybe counselling would help you work out exactly why you feel like this and help you get over it?

It's easy to feel jealous of others' lives but maybe they aren't as happy as you are?

You clearly made a decision to pursue the pregnancy (at a similar age, I didn't). Without your partner you'd be a single mother. Far less easy to have years of fun and carefree dating in that situation. Instead you have a loving committed partner who wants to be a full-time father.

These boards are full of stories of broken relationships, which makes them seem like the norm (as it's a board for people with problems) but most people I know with children have stayed with their DP or DH. Whether they are all amazingly happy, I couldn't say for sure, but what you have sounds pretty good and you are worrying pointlessly about a future that may never happen.

I've learnt it is much better to live in the present, as the things you worry about never come to pass and the other things that do happen, you deal with as needed.

In my mid 30s I had a big issue that affected me profoundly and made me ignore the positives in my life and minimise the problems others had i.e I felt very hard done by.

Then a colleague 10 years younger died in a terrible accident. That really shook me up and helped me put my concerns into perspective. And realise that plenty of my friends (who had the one thing I wanted, but didn't then have) also had real, but different, problems in their own lives.

I’m more worried about when I’m 45 and he’s 60. He’ll be older, will surely look older by then and might want to slow down and I’ll only be the age he is now wanting another good 15 years with someone who can keep up. I know that anything could happen though. I just freak myself out over it.

PS I'm in my late 50s now. I have loads of colleagues and friends of a similar age. All are fit and active and so are their partners. Some are in their late 60s or early 70s. A lot of them travel a lot and have many interests (pre covid). Only one close friend has a husband who isn't fit and well, but he has had the same condition since his early 30s. Really most people haven't changed significantly since their 40s.

At 60, he is very likely to have another active 15 years at least! And his generation will benefit from medical advances we haven't yet made.

The grass is most definitely never greener. It works. Stop the "what if's". It's pointless

I’m a couple of years older than you and I still haven’t met the “ perfect guy” infact am not even looking any more have given up on them other than for casual stuff on occasion

I have dc that I had fairly young and we are happy as we are

The point is meeting the one is not guaranteed . Have a travel through the relationship bored on here if u want reminding that actually you have it pretty good !

If you love him ( I haven’t said that I can’t see ) then honestly just crack on and enjoy your life

Old saying about marriage:

You can either be an old man's darling or a young man's slave!

@SpaceshiptoMars

Old saying about marriage:

You can either be an old man's darling or a young man's slave!

I don’t mind an old man when I’m an old woman! But the thought of still looking and feeling young with an old man frightens me!

I don’t mind an old man when I’m an old woman! But the thought of still looking and feeling young with an old man frightens me!

Don't reckon without love. After years of being well-loved, you won't notice the wrinkles most of the time. Twenty years in a really good marriage will strengthen you in ways you cannot yet imagine.

I am in my 50s and apart from a bit of arthritis I am still as active as I was in my 40s. Probably more so as I had a debilitating issue with my back and could hardly walk for a lot of my 40s.
My mindset hasn’t changed.
I have had an awful few years and am having to start again from scratch.
All my friends are 10-15 years younger than me.
The ones I had who were my age became too old or were at different stages in our lives to continue the friendships.

Age isn’t something you should take much notice of.
My children think I act like an 8 year old at times. It is about mindset and activity levels.
One set of friends at 40 went to bed at 7.30pm and wouldn’t go anywhere at night as they needed to be back in their house getting settled for bed at 6pm
Another were clubbing well into their 70s
Mil after fil died went through a string of bf’s in her 80s and 90s

If you have found a guy who has boundless energy at 45 and really loves you and his family then hold on to him.
Yes he will look older in 15 years time but so will you.