Concerns about future ruining what could be a perfect life

[Crossrhodes]

So it’s a long complicated situation, but to summarise, in my mid twenties I had a one night stand with my now DP. I didn’t know him well but I knew of his family, his brother was 8 years older than me and we had a few friends in common. Small town situation where you knew peoples surnames! I ended up pregnant from it, and it was a pretty dark time actually but my now DP handled it all amazingly. He wanted to be involved, it turned out he was older than I thought and was in late thirties and had always wanted kids. His dad had killed himself, and as he was the oldest he sort of stepped up to help his mum so was prioritising her and his career, so he hadn’t ever got married or had kids. He’d had a few serious relationships but had always put his career first.

He supported me through the pregnancy amazingly, as friends. Eventually we agreed to give it a go and we went from strength to strength and we now have a crazy toddler and are engaged. We made a positive from what could of been a really negative situation, and without putting pressure on it we’ve ended up here. On one hand I am so happy, we are currently planning a wedding, had an offer accepted on a house, we have a gorgeous DC (and both want more), we have a comfortable life financially and most importantly, really love and support each other.

I just have this stupid little niggle I am struggling to get past. I know that this isn’t what I would of chosen for myself. He is my perfect person and would of been the exact kind of guy I wanted, but I would of wanted him to be about 8-10 years younger. I like a man to be older than me, but not by 15 years. I wouldn’t of pursued a serious relationship with a man so much older. It worries me that as I’m approaching my early thirties and he’s nearly halfway through his fourties in a few years. I’m worried that I’m going to miss out on 15 energetic, youthful, fun years with a young family. I’m worried about being left behind young. He looks in his thirties still, and is the best dad my son could ask for, has bounds of energy and is such a great guy I just worry how long it will last. In my head 25-45 was one of the best bits of life, raising young kids, still being youthful and energetic, travelling, buying houses etc and I’m only 5 years into that period and he’s nearly finishing it.

Sometimes I panic that I’ve got myself in this situation, really. I have fear of missing out on what my life might be like in the future compared to if I married someone the same age. None of my friends or family get my concern at all, my mum says I’ve got a kind, loving supportive partner who wants to marry me, a happy child, a gorgeous home and that I have nothing to worry about. I don’t know if it’s the looming commitment of marriage and buying a house making me so worried, but I’m struggling with it. We have our son and he needs to be the priority, and he deserves a stable loving family and home (which he has!) and it would be selfish, and probably completely idiotic to walk away from my lovely little family/life but I am very concerned.

Has anyone been in a situation where they’ve unexpectedly ended up with someone older? Do you feel like you skipped a big section of your life? I know age gap relationships are a thing, but I just want a relationship, a marriage. Thinking of it as an age gap relationship freaks me out as it is never something I would of sought out. Can anyone offer me any advice? I’m considering therapy but I just want my nerves to settle.

You say it "isn't what you would have chosen for yourself".. but you did choose it....you are choosing it every day you are with him, surely? Nobody is forcing you to be with him, to marry him, or to stay with him if you don't want to. It is and always has been a choice that you are making.

If your concerns are really that big and won't go away then you need to consider leaving the relationship, but it is a real shame if it's otherwise good.

You could be with someone your own age and they could develop a health condition or suddenly die. They could be abusive, they could cheat on you - anything can happen. You never know what life will hold. In my opinion, basing a view of what a relationship should be on age is a little bit foolish. If he's healthy the relationship is good and he is a good partner and dad, then I don't really see why it is such a huge issue to you other than these pre-defined relationship ideals that you have in your head.

(My partner is also older than me and I wouldn't change anything about my relationship).

I'd be very reluctant to throw away what you have for the idea of a man who is supportive, financially comfortable, who will magically fall in love with you and treat your son as his own and also want to marry you and have more children. To put it bluntly there are many women in their early thirties with or without children, who would kill for what you have - a nice looking man, a child together, a house to buy and a wedding to plan. Yes, the gap is a little bigger than ideal but its not 25 years. You say he's fit and young looking and people don't just suddenly wizen up and take to their armchairs complaining that the music is too loud.

You mention having a poor childhood and there are people who end up repeating history. For some reason or other, the idea of being poor is their norm and subconsciously they tend to make a lot of bad decisions to get back to their norm. Some women marry people who turn out to be just like dear old dad despite a lack of superficial similarities. Did your mother raise you on your own? Deep down do you think that you shouldn't be happy, financially comfortable, buying a house and getting married? Try to make this your new norm. Think about the advantages for your son in being raised in comfortable circumstances with both his parents there rather than you becoming a single parent on a bit of a desperate search for the dream man.

I just wish we had 35 years of relative youth and fun together whereas in my head now we’ll have maybe 20 before things get tough.

Count your blessings and enjoy the 20, if that's how it turns out. Some people would give anything to have had 20 good years with their partner. Personally I think you're being pessimistic - many people retain a vitality and lightness of spirit way into their old age (especially if their partner doesn't treat them as though they're about to pop their clogs!). Also, some people are unfortunately ground down by life in their forties, or younger. Personality and outlook are far more important than age. Sorry if that sounds un-empathetic, op, it's not meant to! Try and enjoy your happy life, and don't write off your poor dp as though he's a fossil!

You are right, I am making him out to be a fossil in my head! I can’t seem to wrap my head around that there’s the potential for many happy years. I don’t know why I have this ‘all downhill from here’ feeling.

Some really good points, so thank you. I have chose him, multiple times and I must of done that for a reason. The age gap isn’t what I would of chose, but I need to put my happiness and most importantly my sons stability before my pre-conceptions on age gaps.

I don’t know why this is so hard to move past!

@Rangoon

I'd be very reluctant to throw away what you have for the idea of a man who is supportive, financially comfortable, who will magically fall in love with you and treat your son as his own and also want to marry you and have more children. To put it bluntly there are many women in their early thirties with or without children, who would kill for what you have - a nice looking man, a child together, a house to buy and a wedding to plan. Yes, the gap is a little bigger than ideal but its not 25 years. You say he's fit and young looking and people don't just suddenly wizen up and take to their armchairs complaining that the music is too loud.

You mention having a poor childhood and there are people who end up repeating history. For some reason or other, the idea of being poor is their norm and subconsciously they tend to make a lot of bad decisions to get back to their norm. Some women marry people who turn out to be just like dear old dad despite a lack of superficial similarities. Did your mother raise you on your own? Deep down do you think that you shouldn't be happy, financially comfortable, buying a house and getting married? Try to make this your new norm. Think about the advantages for your son in being raised in comfortable circumstances with both his parents there rather than you becoming a single parent on a bit of a desperate search for the dream man.

Thank you for this. Lots of very good points. No my parents raised me together but they were dirt poor, declared bankrupt for many years, so knowing we can provide something so different for our DC means a lot but then I just get sad that it isn’t as could as it would be if I had all of this with someone younger. But then they wouldn’t be him. And we probably wouldn’t have everything we have. And my son wouldn’t of been the same kid. So it’s all happened for a reason and I need to trust that.

So you don’t really want to be with him. You’ve settled and now you want out and to find someone else, who may actually not exist.

How do you think he would feel knowing that you actually wish you could find someone better, someone younger?

Imagine if he found out all of this and ended the relationship. Would you be happy that you were suddenly free to pursue that younger man knowing that you weren’t the one responsible for ending things?

The reality of leaving a perfectly decent relationship for a fantasy would in fact mean you not seeing your DS half the time because he would be with his Ddad. His dad meeting someone else and having more children who would be your DS’ siblings. Going on to online dating and meeting creep after creep who will send you dick pics at the earliest opportunity, or lovebomb you until they get laid and then ghost you.

If you genuinely don’t love him then do the decent thing and end the relationship so he has a chance to be with someone who deserves better.

But if you do actually love him, then get a grip. Because if he finds all this out you may lose him anyway.

Be careful what you wish for.

@HeartsAndClubs

So you don’t really want to be with him. You’ve settled and now you want out and to find someone else, who may actually not exist.

How do you think he would feel knowing that you actually wish you could find someone better, someone younger?

Imagine if he found out all of this and ended the relationship. Would you be happy that you were suddenly free to pursue that younger man knowing that you weren’t the one responsible for ending things?

The reality of leaving a perfectly decent relationship for a fantasy would in fact mean you not seeing your DS half the time because he would be with his Ddad. His dad meeting someone else and having more children who would be your DS’ siblings. Going on to online dating and meeting creep after creep who will send you dick pics at the earliest opportunity, or lovebomb you until they get laid and then ghost you.

If you genuinely don’t love him then do the decent thing and end the relationship so he has a chance to be with someone who deserves better.

But if you do actually love him, then get a grip. Because if he finds all this out you may lose him anyway.

Be careful what you wish for.

The harsh truth I think I needed to hear. Thank you

@Crossrhodes

Thank you.. you are so right. I have to realise what I’ve got in front of me. I am one of the lucky ones. Why do our minds play the grass is greener trick, it’s exhausting.

@Crossrhodes your mind isn't "playing tricks on you." Take responsibility for the thoughts you're choosing to fixate on. Being grateful is a choice. You chose to have a one night stand with this man and a child is a natural consequence of sex. You've hit the lottery being able to make it work, you've been blessed so much in different ways in your life, including with a child. The three of you are a family now and are on the cusp of getting married and showing your commitment to each other. Why are you choosing to even fixate on potentially smashing your family apart over nothing??

Do you have anxiety issues?

@LivBa Yes, I’m a very anxious person and I overthink everything. I’m making problems where there shouldn’t be any and it’s so destructive

Rather than your husband’s age, I would look into therapy. I’m sure this must impact many areas of your life, and I would get on this rather than allowing yourself or others to suffer any further. More importantly, this will be good for your child, they do pick up on all of our emotional states.

I’m waiting for a counselling referral to go through. I do acknowledge that I need help.

It just makes my stomach sink whenever I think of it. 45 and 60 seems worlds apart. 55 and 70 even worse. Then likely being widowed when I’m 65. It’s my own fault for not thinking long term sooner. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hit me like this.

When did this worry pop up, do you remember what was happening in those days, and was it anything stressful?

^I’m waiting for a counselling referral to go through. I do acknowledge that I need help.

It just makes my stomach sink whenever I think of it. 45 and 60 seems worlds apart. 55 and 70 even worse. Then likely being widowed when I’m 65. It’s my own fault for not thinking long term sooner. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hit me like this.^

This is such a pessimistic way of thinking. This is only one possibility out of an endless amount. You are torturing yourself over nothing.

I have family who have a similar age gap, slightly larger. The H is now 90, but seems much younger. Probably because they've always been active. They have lots of friends, shared interests and holidays (obviously pre-covid). They have a fulfilling life.

And they've never been "worlds apart".

That’s good to hear Cracking

I just get anxious, not including celebrities I know of lots of men in their early/mid fourties who I find quite attractive. After that, not so much! It worries me that when I’m early/mid fourties he will be approaching 60 and I may not be sexually attracted to him anymore. I worry that we’ll lose chemistry. But maybe my tastes will age with me. It’s one thing if you’re getting older together but it’s the worry of if I’m attracted to 40-somethings now then I probably will be when I’m 40 too, and that might be really shit for my marriage. Shallow but a worry.

Besides that it’s just him suddenly seeming his age. Slowing down, different interests, not getting on or wanting to do the same things. I really hope I am just overthinking.

I think you have to try to hold on to a few key things here: 1)no life is perfect. There will be ups and downs regardless of what life you end up with. Don’t leave your partner thinking you might find perfection, because you won’t. 2) although you have the choice about your relationship with your partner, your DS does not. This is his father and always will be, never mind how old he is or when he passes away. If you left him and found someone else, he would still be your DS’s dad. I think circumstance has led to a place which means you are happy NOW. Don’t change it just because you worry you might not be happy in the future. If you find yourself unhappy in the future, deal with it when it comes up.

Maybe your tastes will mature with you. The thing is that you don't know and can't know what will happen in the future, how you'll feel, or what you'll want. You can lose sexual chemistry with anyone. But if you don't have it now, or you are unhappy with the relationship now then that's a reason to end things.

Thank you, both very good points. I know he will always be in my life and it so nasty of me to be wondering if I could find someone better. And I know logically younger wouldn’t necessarily mean better.

There definitely is sexual chemistry and attraction now, but the past few weeks I’m looking at him and thinking how long will it last rather than just enjoying it.

I’m just constantly worrying about the future! Googling threads about what it’s like being widowed at 60 and freaking out about retirement and worrying about being alone it’s all just silly as it’s 30+ years away. Life happens whilst you’re busy making plans. I really need to calm down

@Crossrhodes

Thank you. It’s a horrible feeling as just a few weeks ago I was so excited for our future but now I’ve just got this feeling that it’s all downhill from here and it makes me feel so guilty. Really he is just starting out in the same way I am I just wish we had 35 years of relative youth and fun together whereas in my head now we’ll have maybe 20 before things get tough. I’m hoping I’m just totally overthinking it.

Frankly op you're just going on and on about this imagined "ill health" you're sure thst your dp is going to suddenly develop at 65. I met my dh when I was 24, we married when I was 26. Dh is only 3 years older than me. We had our ds at 32, he was just 5 years old when I was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. It was life changing. At 37 years old I had 4 abdominal surgeries, chemotherapy, went through a premature menopause and had countless other procedures over the next 4 years. My wonderful dh took a year career break unpaid to care for me and ds and was with me literally every step of the way. 10 years on I am thankfully recovered and mostly well and our relationship is stronger than ever. We love each other so much. The point I'm making is, I was ill so young ( dh has, touch wood been well all his life), I was fit and active so clearly ill health has nothing to do with age. It can happen to anyone at any time, young or old. Firstly, it's odd that you seem slightly obsessed with your dp becoming ill in 20 yearstime and secondly, if you truly loved him as you claim would you even worry about that? You're life sounds good Op, leave if you must but I definitely think that you will find that the grass is very often not greener at all.

Thanks BBQ, and sorry to hear about everything you went through. I think I’m using his age as a scapegoat for all my anxieties about life at the moment. In general I’m feeling unfulfilled and depressed at the moment, being so isolated during the pandemic with just a toddler to entertain has worn me down. I think I keep thinking leaving would be the big switch up I need to be happy again. I think I need therapy as I’m sure I’d be even worse if I did leave.

Therapy may be the way to go but, if you are able to wait a bit longer, you could wait until this infernal lockdown is finally over and see how you feel then, once normal life is resumed. Everything may just click into place once you're not so focused on your dp's potential 'old age' and ill health.

I hope so. I really hope Covid has just got on top of me and caused this rather than me changing my mind on everything I was so sure about. I feel like I don’t know my own mind at the moment

Think about it. You wouldn't be sexually attracted to a man closer to your age if he treated you and dc badly. My DH will be 50 this year and if you'd told me at 22 when I met him that I'd find a 50 year old man delicious I would have doubted it very much. But love breeds attraction, I fancy the plants off him! Currently going through a difficult pregnancy so been warned off sex by the dr and I am honestly gagging for my DH!

When I look at him I don't see a 50 year old. I see the man I love, who has passed through some serious ups and downs with me. He's so hung ho and positive about life despite the hardships we've faced.

I also know men in their mid to late 30s, my age range, who are grandpas in their attitude. Never want to really do anything, can't be asked to go out, not interested in having adventures.

If you feel you're falling out of love that's one thing. But you're pinning your anxieties on scenarios that you don't even know will happen or not. Don't throw away a good thing on what ifs. This community is brimming with posts about horrible selfish, inconsiderate DHs, yours doesn't sound like one of them. So enjoy it!

@randommum82

Think about it. You wouldn't be sexually attracted to a man closer to your age if he treated you and dc badly. My DH will be 50 this year and if you'd told me at 22 when I met him that I'd find a 50 year old man delicious I would have doubted it very much. But love breeds attraction, I fancy the plants off him! Currently going through a difficult pregnancy so been warned off sex by the dr and I am honestly gagging for my DH!

When I look at him I don't see a 50 year old. I see the man I love, who has passed through some serious ups and downs with me. He's so hung ho and positive about life despite the hardships we've faced.

I also know men in their mid to late 30s, my age range, who are grandpas in their attitude. Never want to really do anything, can't be asked to go out, not interested in having adventures.

If you feel you're falling out of love that's one thing. But you're pinning your anxieties on scenarios that you don't even know will happen or not. Don't throw away a good thing on what ifs. This community is brimming with posts about horrible selfish, inconsiderate DHs, yours doesn't sound like one of them. So enjoy it!

Thank you! I know this makes sense. I don’t know why I’ve got it drilled into my head that I’m missing out on something better. I’m not falling out of love, more just over analysing everything and ruining it for myself. I’m not feeling much at all at the moment, I’m kind of numb. I think I might be just really down. I don’t know

@CrossRhodes

That’s good to hear Cracking

I just get anxious, not including celebrities I know of lots of men in their early/mid fourties who I find quite attractive. After that, not so much! It worries me that when I’m early/mid fourties he will be approaching 60 and I may not be sexually attracted to him anymore. I worry that we’ll lose chemistry. But maybe my tastes will age with me. It’s one thing if you’re getting older together but it’s the worry of if I’m attracted to 40-somethings now then I probably will be when I’m 40 too, and that might be really shit for my marriage. Shallow but a worry.

Besides that it’s just him suddenly seeming his age. Slowing down, different interests, not getting on or wanting to do the same things. I really hope I am just overthinking.

OP , remember people will age gradually, you don't notice it day to day , they don't age suddenly overnight!