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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this really something guys think?

109 replies

yace · 24/03/2021 23:21

Met a guy on a dating site. Talked for ages, got on really well, he asked if I might like to meet up in the park, so we did so. Hit it off immediately, and we were walking and talking for ages. Afterwards he texted me to make sure I'd gotten home OK, and we texted some more. As it went well, I was hoping he'd want to see me again, and he did, after texting for about another three or four days he said he was going walking at the weekend and asked me if I'd like to go with him, I told him that I wasn't able to do so as I was working.

We talked for a little bit more, and he said goodnight, but he never messaged me the next day as he usually did, nor the next day either. I waited for a week and then gave up. This was about a month ago. Then today I saw him walking in the street whilst on my way to go shopping. I asked him what had happened, and he said that he thought that I wasn't interested anymore - he explained that in his experience, ladies often won't say no, they will just turn down an offer to meet with an excuse and won't offer any alternative. Then they will hope that this is enough to put the guy off asking them again - as confirmed by my lack of messages the next day and the days after.

I asked if he'd like to meet again, but he said he's in the early stages of a new relationship of someone he just met, but wished me well, and said he had to go... I'm just wondering is this the impression that guys get when things were originally going so well? I don't know...

OP posts:
LadyBugg · 24/03/2021 23:25

I'm not a guy but I'd feel the same as him, I'd say its something any person could do.

If someone declined my invitation and didn't come back with an alternative and then didn't open up another conversation I would take it to mean that they're not interested and I would probably leave it at that too.

ContractClockAndCrucible · 24/03/2021 23:31

Why didn't you message him after you turned down his invitation? I can understand him thinking you were giving him the brush off. If you were keen surely you would have offered an alternative, eg. "Sorry, I'm working that day, but I'm free next Saturday and would like to see you again."

KylieKoKo · 24/03/2021 23:34

I mean he asked you out and you said no and didn't offer an alternative or message him again. I'd think someone wasn't interested if they did that.

howsicklyarsekissy · 24/03/2021 23:36

It's a tricky one this as I often read on the dating threads on here, "don't chase a guy if he likes you, you will know" etc so it's really confusing when this happens as it feels like your chasing them if you message too much etc

Lou98 · 24/03/2021 23:37

@LadyBugg

I'm not a guy but I'd feel the same as him, I'd say its something any person could do.

If someone declined my invitation and didn't come back with an alternative and then didn't open up another conversation I would take it to mean that they're not interested and I would probably leave it at that too.

I agree with this and I'm also not a man, I would assume you weren't interested and take it as a hint. If you were keen I'd have expected something along the lines of "I'm working that day but what about xyz"

Bouledeneige · 24/03/2021 23:39

I agree. Seems pretty obvious that if you say no and you're interested you offer other options or hope. 'I'm so sorry I can't make it because I'm working but I'd love to do another time? How are you fixed for next weekend?'

I think you played it wrong - why would he keep chasing?

ContractClockAndCrucible · 24/03/2021 23:41

It's really not tricky or confusing. Sending one text in response to theirs, saying sorry can't make that date, how about the following weekend? is not 'chasing' them, it's just being honest.

vimtosogood · 24/03/2021 23:42

Without the suggestion of an alternate date for the second walk I'd have taken it as a brush off, and the lack of messages after would have confirmed it for me.

Reddotimbusy · 24/03/2021 23:42

This is the impression anyone would get. Things going well in the early stages can be deceptive so there needs to be consistency. Early stages is the time to show keenness.

HamFisted · 24/03/2021 23:44

@howsicklyarsekissy

It's a tricky one this as I often read on the dating threads on here, "don't chase a guy if he likes you, you will know" etc so it's really confusing when this happens as it feels like your chasing them if you message too much etc
This is why playing games is not a good idea when dating.
Sakurami · 24/03/2021 23:44

Not a man but if you turned down the offer, the onus is on you to offer an alternative, otherwise it does sound like a polite thanks but no thanks.

BarbieBrat · 24/03/2021 23:44

I can see why he thought you weren’t interested if he was initiating contact and you didn’t message when he didn’t. I’d think the same and I’m a woman.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 24/03/2021 23:46

Agree with other posters. Sounds like you were playing hard to get, even if unintentional. Also agree that if they like you, they will let you know - he did but you declined his invitation as working, fair enough, but you didn't suggest an alternative. The ball was in your court but you didn't contact him. I'd take it as a clear sign of not being interested.
All you can do is learn from it.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/03/2021 23:46

Agree with pp, you made an excuse to not meet up and didn't offer an alternative. I would have thought you weren't interested, too, if I were him.

wusbanker · 24/03/2021 23:55

If I suggested a date and was turned down, I would expect them to offer an alternative if they were interested. I wouldn't suggest a second time.

FaceyRomford · 24/03/2021 23:57

As a bloke, I'd have taken it as a gentle brush-off.

Lampan · 25/03/2021 00:02

He probably thought he was just taking your hint and that you weren’t that keen, and backed off, which is completely fair enough. Like other posters on here, I would assume the same. He had no way of knowing you were expecting him to suggest another day, and really why should he? There’s nothing wrong with showing interest in the early stages (within reason and non-creepy, of course!)

Lampan · 25/03/2021 00:05

Also to add, it’s perfectly possible in my experience to have a great date with flowing conversation etc but it doesn’t always mean you want to date that person again. I’ve been on dates with zero romantic connection but had a nice time and a good chat nonetheless. Maybe he thought that you just didn’t fancy him or something

BrimfulOfBaba · 25/03/2021 00:05

@howsicklyarsekissy

It's a tricky one this as I often read on the dating threads on here, "don't chase a guy if he likes you, you will know" etc so it's really confusing when this happens as it feels like your chasing them if you message too much etc
Suggesting an alternative date isn't chasing or messaging too much though. Unless someone somehow takes 10 messages to do that!

Suggesting an alternative if you can't make a proposed date/arrangement is the least you can do if you want to see someone again. Even with friends/acquaintances.

AlexaShutUp · 25/03/2021 00:11

If someone declined my invitation and didn't come back with an alternative and then didn't open up another conversation I would take it to mean that they're not interested and I would probably leave it at that too.

Male or female, I think most people would interpret it like this tbh. The ball was in your court, OP. What a pity, but you'll know for next time!

grassisjeweled · 25/03/2021 00:13

If it was a female friend what would you think?

TedMullins · 25/03/2021 00:16

Saying ‘I can’t I’m working that day’ is not in itself a brush off, but the fact you didn’t offer any alternative times to meet and didn’t message him again definitely is. He was probably waiting to see if you were going to come up with another time, or initiate a conversation, and when you didn’t, he assumed you weren’t interested. So I agree with everyone else, I can see why he thought that

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/03/2021 00:21

I agree with most other PPs that it seemed like you weren’t keen, so he left it. However, he obviously wasn’t super keen either, otherwise he’d have given it another go at least.

I had a couple of conversations like this, and rather than just let it go, I would send a message saying, “ah that’s a shame, never mind. I felt like we were getting on well, but you seem to have a lot going on right now and don’t have time for the kind of relationship I’m after. Hope you find what you’re looking for” or something. Invariably they’d reply with a “sorry been really busy, maybe you’re right, I’m new to all this” or something. There’s no need to play games, if you like someone tell them. If they like you they’ll tell you too. If it’s not the right time then you save yourself from wasting time with someone who won’t give you what you need.

Regularsizedrudy · 25/03/2021 01:17

This is a you thing not a guy thing. He tried to meet you again and you said no and offered no alternative. You then never contacted him again. What else was he meant to think?

23PissOffAvenueWF · 25/03/2021 02:29

Yep, I’m with everyone else.

You don’t turn someone down, not offer up an alternative, and also then wait for them to come up with the next offer.

Of course he moved on. Anyone would.

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