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Original poster

Is this really something guys think?

109 replies

yace · 24/03/2021 23:21

Met a guy on a dating site. Talked for ages, got on really well, he asked if I might like to meet up in the park, so we did so. Hit it off immediately, and we were walking and talking for ages. Afterwards he texted me to make sure I'd gotten home OK, and we texted some more. As it went well, I was hoping he'd want to see me again, and he did, after texting for about another three or four days he said he was going walking at the weekend and asked me if I'd like to go with him, I told him that I wasn't able to do so as I was working.

We talked for a little bit more, and he said goodnight, but he never messaged me the next day as he usually did, nor the next day either. I waited for a week and then gave up. This was about a month ago. Then today I saw him walking in the street whilst on my way to go shopping. I asked him what had happened, and he said that he thought that I wasn't interested anymore - he explained that in his experience, ladies often won't say no, they will just turn down an offer to meet with an excuse and won't offer any alternative. Then they will hope that this is enough to put the guy off asking them again - as confirmed by my lack of messages the next day and the days after.

I asked if he'd like to meet again, but he said he's in the early stages of a new relationship of someone he just met, but wished me well, and said he had to go... I'm just wondering is this the impression that guys get when things were originally going so well? I don't know...

OP posts:

MintLampShade · 25/03/2021 12:42

If I were you, I would have suggested an alternative date at the same time when you said you were unavailable due to work, to show that you were definitely keen, but genuinely unavailable at that time. I probably also would have followed up if he didn't message for a week rather than just leaving it, but that's just me, I don't like leaving things unsaid / unfinished.

MotherPiglet · 25/03/2021 12:42

I dont understand why when he hadnt messaged for a few days and you was thinking about him, you didnt message him. You lost out because you didnt suggest a walk when you was available but also because you also expected him to make the effort all the time

SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2021 12:44

Sorry op I think you just let a decent one go.

He said can you meet on X date
You said no
He said ok, night.

You never messaged him again.

What was he meant to do, run around after you offering up dates for you to pick and choose from?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2021 12:46

@Bluntness100

Honestly call me cynical but I’d say he had already met the new woman so was blaming you. In my experience a guy who wants to see you will shoot back “that’s a shame, let me know when next free” or something similar.

yes any guy who doesn't keep hassling you for a date must be cheating on you because no guy can ever just take a hint and try and be decent about it. They're all scum.

minniemoocher · 25/03/2021 12:49

If I had to decline an invitation it would make sense to suggest an alternative rather than expect the man to do all the running. To be honest I'm surprised it we t back to texting after meeting, we set up out next date in the car park when I met Dp. If they are "the one" you don't need to go home to think about it

dudsville · 25/03/2021 12:55

I would think what he thought, and the same holds true for new friendships. In any new relationship both sides need to show equal interest. If I invite you to something and you turn it down then I won't follow up until you return the invitation.

Of course there are still people who want to play chase/chase me. The ones who like to chase are obvious but the ones wanting to be chased are not easily differentiated from those taking a straight forward approach to communication in the example you give.

I'm a woman btw.

RogueV · 25/03/2021 13:00

It’s you

knittingaddict · 25/03/2021 13:09

Is op playing hard to get on this thread too?

IJustWantSomeBees · 25/03/2021 13:14

What was he meant to do, run around after you offering up dates for you to pick and choose from?

Offering an alternative day/time when someone tells you they're not free is hardly running around after them! What's wrong with him suggesting alternatives so that the OP could pick one she was free for? When it comes to dating people are allowed to pick and choose

WhySoSensitive · 25/03/2021 13:26

Why is it up to him to message you the next day? You could have messaged him, offered alternative plans.

If it was me I would also feel like to declined a date with no effort to offer anything else and think you weren’t interested.

RedGoldAndGreene · 25/03/2021 13:28

In light of all the talk about respecting women #metoo etc, I think the man was right to take this approach rather than ask for other available dates and come across as not being able to take a hint.

I thought that it was acceptable these day for people who were online dating to date multiple people until they found someone who they wanted to be exclusive with? Even if he was seeing OP and current woman at the time, I can see why a man would prefer a woman who can be straightforward rather than waiting for him to reply/ask her out again. There's nothing wrong preferring a man who makes the first move but there's nothing wrong with a man wanting the woman to ask him out too and I think that as the person who declined the invite, it was up to OP to invite him. Not texting him when you wanted to hear from him was an odd move imo.

debwong · 25/03/2021 13:33

@knittingaddict

Is op playing hard to get on this thread too?

She is waiting for us to text her!

SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2021 13:44

@IJustWantSomeBees

What was he meant to do, run around after you offering up dates for you to pick and choose from?

What's wrong with OP offering another date given she's the one who turned him down

"It was so awkward, I said no to the first date and he jus kept suggesting new ones until at Easter 2022 he took the hint!"

deydododatdodontdeydo · 25/03/2021 13:46

I can't imagine letting a man I was keen on get away in this manner. There's a difference between chasing a man and being a passive wet lettuce.
I would definitely have taken your actions as a brush off, and I can't blaming him for not wanting to pursue it, but if I was you I wouldn't have left it like that.

Dery · 25/03/2021 13:48

Agree with PP - your response sounded like a brush-off. Suggesting an alternative date would not have constituted chasing - it was what you needed to do in order not to be perceived as giving him the brush-off.

All that said, I think @Bluntness100 is probably right that if he had been really keen, he would have sent a follow-up. But it was very early days and that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have become much keener as the relationship continued if you had met again.

Dery · 25/03/2021 13:49

Also what @deydododatdodontdeydo said. If you’re keen, don’t be so passive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2021 13:52

What most of them said. If you wanted to keep seeing him and couldn’t accept his invitation it was up to you to suggest an alternative. You didn’t. You stopped contacting him, it wasn’t his job to chase you.

Be more proactive in future if you like someone and want things to progress.

Pyewackect · 25/03/2021 13:54

@AlexaShutUp

If someone declined my invitation and didn't come back with an alternative and then didn't open up another conversation I would take it to mean that they're not interested and I would probably leave it at that too.

Male or female, I think most people would interpret it like this tbh. The ball was in your court, OP. What a pity, but you'll know for next time!

This. Totally.

IJustWantSomeBees · 25/03/2021 13:55

There isn't anything wrong with it, which is why I haven't said there is! But many people on this thread seem to think it's outrageous that the OP would have thought he might suggest a different day, and I'm struggling to understand why that seems like such a bizarre expectation to many here

This wouldn't have been their first date either, they had previously gone out together and had a great time

greenandblue432 · 25/03/2021 14:02

I think the guy had his mind somewhere else and it wasn't just meant to be.

Whether the OP suggested other dates or not, it wouldn't have changed the final outcome. He was probably shagging someone else by then so the OP saved herself the embarrassment of going on yet another date with someone who's obviously not that interested in the first place.

The excuse he gave in person was to put the blame on the OP, so she would be questioning herself for days on end. Easier than to assume responsibility and say it wasn't meant to be because there's somebody else.

These things happen. In the past, it would have been the equivalent of waiting for a phone call that never came. I remember how awful that was in the 90's....

oakleaffy · 25/03/2021 14:06

I’m not a man but as others have said, the work thing sounded like an excuse, plus the not making other arrangements...
That was a mistake if you really liked him.

jillandhersprite · 25/03/2021 14:18

Swings and roundabouts for me here...

Yes there is a certain etiquette if you decline for practical reasons that you make it clear that you would accept otherwise - e.g. i am working but I will be off on...

Both of you seemed to play games about whose turn it is to message - I hate this. If you want to speak then do it. Both of you guilty here

Finally - dating is a numbers game and I understand some people will have several options available. In this case its likely he was also talking with this other person so was quite easy for him to drop you, see your comments as a brush off as he was feeling it more with the other person...

I think some people are being a bit harsh that this was all on you - I think both of you are probably not good at communication and following some kind of 'rules' rather than just being honest and being prepared to live that.

ilikebungalows · 25/03/2021 14:42

@greenandblue432

I think the guy had his mind somewhere else and it wasn't just meant to be.

These things happen. In the past, it would have been the equivalent of waiting for a phone call that never came. I remember how awful that was in the 90's....

Oh yes. And when it didn't ring, I knew it wasn't him...................

Rewis · 25/03/2021 14:51

I agree with PP's. If someone declines and makes no effort to re-schedule then I'd assume they 're not interested. Same with all people actually, if you decline and don't suggest alternative or indicate an interest or feeling sad for not being able to then the ball is on the other persons court.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2021 15:15

He was probably shagging someone else by then so the OP saved herself the embarrassment of going on yet another date with someone who's obviously not that interested in the first place.
He asked her out. She said no. She didn't suggest an alternative and she then went quiet. If op had suggested a date, the guy had said no but nothing more the advice would be to let him text her. But because he didn't chase her he'd obv a cheating gaslighting dick

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