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Original poster

Is this really something guys think?

109 replies

yace · 24/03/2021 23:21

Met a guy on a dating site. Talked for ages, got on really well, he asked if I might like to meet up in the park, so we did so. Hit it off immediately, and we were walking and talking for ages. Afterwards he texted me to make sure I'd gotten home OK, and we texted some more. As it went well, I was hoping he'd want to see me again, and he did, after texting for about another three or four days he said he was going walking at the weekend and asked me if I'd like to go with him, I told him that I wasn't able to do so as I was working.

We talked for a little bit more, and he said goodnight, but he never messaged me the next day as he usually did, nor the next day either. I waited for a week and then gave up. This was about a month ago. Then today I saw him walking in the street whilst on my way to go shopping. I asked him what had happened, and he said that he thought that I wasn't interested anymore - he explained that in his experience, ladies often won't say no, they will just turn down an offer to meet with an excuse and won't offer any alternative. Then they will hope that this is enough to put the guy off asking them again - as confirmed by my lack of messages the next day and the days after.

I asked if he'd like to meet again, but he said he's in the early stages of a new relationship of someone he just met, but wished me well, and said he had to go... I'm just wondering is this the impression that guys get when things were originally going so well? I don't know...

OP posts:
greenandblue432 · 25/03/2021 15:29

SleepingStandingUp it wouldn't have been cheating if it's only the early stages of dating and no commitment was made. And it's not gaslighting either.

I'm not saying he's a cheater or a particular bad person, but I don't think the OP is to blame for the fact that he didn't contact her again.

And yes, it would have been polite of him to send her a text saying that he's met someone else and he's not going to be in touch. At least, she'd know where she stands.

It's just one of those crappy situations that happen you're dating people, but I don't think the OP is to blame for it at all.

Isitsixoclockalready · 25/03/2021 16:21

@Bluntness100

Honestly call me cynical but I’d say he had already met the new woman so was blaming you. In my experience a guy who wants to see you will shoot back “that’s a shame, let me know when next free” or something similar.
I don't know. Not all guys are super confident and as much as your suggested line is good, there are plenty of guys that would read it as a polite brush off. Without being privy to or creating a back story that we don't know about, his reaction was understandable.
stout01 · 25/03/2021 16:29

I'm responding to your initial post and haven't the whole thread. You may just be unlucky.
From my experience some women like to talk but aren't keen on meeting. I know you did meet him but some of your behaviour after initial meet suggest you weren't keen on a further meet. Blokes know that on dating sites women get a lot of attention (yes I know much of it not wanted). Hence if they start to feel its not going to happen start to weigh up their options as honestly it can be quite dispiriting talking and talking to someone that disappears / goes quiet when you suggest meeting but then is happy to pretend a couple of days later that nothing happened and the conversation continue.
I'm not saying that is you and clearly it wasn't your intention. Just trying to explain rationale.

Seadad · 25/03/2021 16:32

Interesting that his thread might reveal the very subtle ways in which the kind of guy you date could be filtered early on. Shy and sensitive need not apply!

But it's equally possible this man wasn't so keen as to offer a second date - and was just more bold with the woman he was with? But just avoiding saying that to OP. I don't think we can know from the short exchange.

KatherineJaneway · 25/03/2021 16:36

If someone declined my invitation and didn't come back with an alternative and then didn't open up another conversation I would take it to mean that they're not interested and I would probably leave it at that too.

Agree

Bubblesdublin · 25/03/2021 16:51

Agree also, if you were really keen you would of suggested an alternative or text the following day

SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2021 16:57

@greenandblue432

SleepingStandingUp it wouldn't have been cheating if it's only the early stages of dating and no commitment was made. And it's not gaslighting either.

I'm not saying he's a cheater or a particular bad person, but I don't think the OP is to blame for the fact that he didn't contact her again.

And yes, it would have been polite of him to send her a text saying that he's met someone else and he's not going to be in touch. At least, she'd know where she stands.

It's just one of those crappy situations that happen you're dating people, but I don't think the OP is to blame for it at all.

And he's not to blame for the fact that op didn't contact him. It doesn't mean he was sleeping around with everyone else and not v interested.
SleepingStandingUp · 25/03/2021 17:29

And yes, it would have been polite of him to send her a text saying that he's met someone else and he's not going to be in touch. At least, she'd know where she stands.
😂😂😂😂

MN, I had one date with a guyz suggested another, he said he couldn't make it and never heard from him again. Should I tell him I've met someone else, it's been a month
Would be a resounding no.

O had one date with a guy a month ago, he suggested a date I couldn't do then never contacted me again. It's been a month and he's just text me to tell me he's met someone new. Aibu or is that weird?
Would be a resounding "omg he's so up himself" blah blah blah

LoveActually6 · 25/03/2021 17:37

Online dating can be a complex thing, I met a guy in my single days, originally met him on a night out, we talked a lot and really clicked, we went out on a date and ended up sleeping together (not something I’d normally do so quick but it just happened) and then he text the following morning saying, thanks for a great night but I must be honest, I’m not looking for a relationship, if you want to meet again we can but I don’t want to lead you on. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be OP. Maybe next time, follow up with an alternative day to meet.

Wherearemymarbles · 25/03/2021 17:37

Well, I’d say the OP has form for going quiet!

SnowyWinterDays · 25/03/2021 17:43

Agree

23PissOffAvenueWF · 25/03/2021 18:18

@Bluntness100

Honestly call me cynical but I’d say he had already met the new woman so was blaming you. In my experience a guy who wants to see you will shoot back “that’s a shame, let me know when next free” or something similar.
This was my first thought, and with old school dating, this would definitely be the case.

But - and I’ve never done OLD, so it’s just my impression - I don’t think the same can be said for OLD where everyone seems to have a pool of suitors coming in and out.

If that’s the case, and there’s someone else coming up on the boil, why would you (one) waste your time chasing up someone who’s given every indication they’re luke-warm about you, at best?

The who concept of OLD is so contrived (by that I mean, doesn’t evolve naturally), easy-come-easy-go, swipe-left-swipe-right, that unless it’s literally thunder bolts, stars and being swept off feet - it’s onwards and upwards.

Ineedaduvetday · 25/03/2021 19:12

If I'd suggested a date and you'd said no but offered no alternative and then didn't contact me again, I'd assume you weren't interested.

If a guy said to me 'can you make Friday?' but I couldn't, I'd say 'no sorry, how about Saturday?'

Opentooffers · 25/03/2021 19:31

Both of you communicated poorly so misunderstood each other. You couldn't go but didn't offer alternative, however, he didn't ask if another time would be ok either it seems. Then, he took your silence to mean something, whilst at the same time you took his silence to meant the same where as you were both wrong. So more like each other than you realise. Learn from this, early stages, better to clarify so you know where you are at. If you can't genuinely be available, offer an alternative. He may well be too stubborn to change tack and could further misread in future, but you can chose to approach things differently and get better results.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 25/03/2021 20:05

Anyway, the OP is clearly not interested in engaging, or two-way interaction with people, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

JustAVerySmallVoice · 26/03/2021 07:00

@greenandblue432

SleepingStandingUp it wouldn't have been cheating if it's only the early stages of dating and no commitment was made. And it's not gaslighting either.

I'm not saying he's a cheater or a particular bad person, but I don't think the OP is to blame for the fact that he didn't contact her again.

And yes, it would have been polite of him to send her a text saying that he's met someone else and he's not going to be in touch. At least, she'd know where she stands.

It's just one of those crappy situations that happen you're dating people, but I don't think the OP is to blame for it at all.

Tbh, if I went on a date with someone, invited them out again, they declined but didn't offer an alternative, I would also assume they werent interested. It wouldn't even occur to me to message them in a week or so to tell them I'd been on a date with someone else! Confused
WildfirePonie · 26/03/2021 07:38

But op had to work...... that is why she said no. Right? So what alternative would she offer? A moonlit walk at midnight?

BrimfulOfBaba · 26/03/2021 07:45

Suggesting a day and time she was free?

catherineofarrogance80 · 26/03/2021 07:47

@WildfirePonie

But op had to work...... that is why she said no. Right? So what alternative would she offer? A moonlit walk at midnight?
Seriously? Another day/time obviously
JackieWeaverFever · 26/03/2021 07:50

@LadyBugg

I'm not a guy but I'd feel the same as him, I'd say its something any person could do.

If someone declined my invitation and didn't come back with an alternative and then didn't open up another conversation I would take it to mean that they're not interested and I would probably leave it at that too.

100% this

As others have explained: It isn't a guy thing. It's a you thing.

cravingthelook · 26/03/2021 07:57

I'm on the dating threads and there's a difference between not chasing and letting them know you are interested. You have a phone and the ability to text and suggest and alternative, you didn't, he assumed brush off, most people would.

RedGoldAndGreene · 26/03/2021 08:10

And yes, it would have been polite of him to send her a text saying that he's met someone else and he's not going to be in touch. At least, she'd know where she stands.

Considering that she didn't text after declining the invitation, the man might have thought she'd blocked him or she found someone else.

This isn't a guy thing imo. If this was a new potential friendship then not suggesting an alternative and not texting would be seen as not interested.

crestar · 26/03/2021 10:42

@Triffid1

Have been happily with DH for a very long time but will mention that it's a standing joke between us that one of the reasons I agreed to go out with him, even though I wasn't 100% sure, was because he was completely direct about it and not wishy washing, "Triffid, are you free Friday or Saturday? I thought we could do x or y if you're up for it."

But I think your response, in any context, could legitimately be seen as a polite and gentle brush off. eg you get chatting with a mum at the school gate, have a few laughs and chats, kids seem to get on etc. You say (or text), we're going to the park on Friday after school, would you like to join us? If mum responds with, "sorry, can't make Friday" but offers no alternatives etc, I assume she just doesn't want to meet up. If the response is, 'sorry, would love to buy am working friday. Perhaps we can try next week?" I'll think there's tentative interest but won't make any assumptions as it's not unusual to then get almost the same response. I'd probably accept that response 2 or maybe 3 times before giving up. On the other hand, "sorry, can't do Friday but we'd love to meet up. What are you doing after school on Wednesday? Could we do that" is a clear signal this mum wants to hang out.

So I think this man was clearly under the impression you weren't keen and instead of hounding and stalking you, you gently backed off. Good for him.

Absolutely agree with your comment that he was right to back off. Most of us agree here but there are still a few replies suggesting the 'guy' wasn't really interested or must have been seeing other people.

This is Mumsnet and let's face it - if the op's story was just a little different in terms of she had written 'i tried to let him down gently but he's not taken the hint and he's sent me a few more messages since',
then the usual replies of he's a stalker, he's got no social; skills, red flag alert, etc, etc,

23PissOffAvenueWF · 26/03/2021 16:22

@WildfirePonie

But op had to work...... that is why she said no. Right? So what alternative would she offer? A moonlit walk at midnight?
So she works daylight hours 7 days a week...?

🙄

JustAVerySmallVoice · 26/03/2021 16:32

@WildfirePonie

But op had to work...... that is why she said no. Right? So what alternative would she offer? A moonlit walk at midnight?
Well in that case, she has no time for a relationship anyway, surely.