Is this really something guys think?

[yace]

Met a guy on a dating site. Talked for ages, got on really well, he asked if I might like to meet up in the park, so we did so. Hit it off immediately, and we were walking and talking for ages. Afterwards he texted me to make sure I'd gotten home OK, and we texted some more. As it went well, I was hoping he'd want to see me again, and he did, after texting for about another three or four days he said he was going walking at the weekend and asked me if I'd like to go with him, I told him that I wasn't able to do so as I was working.

We talked for a little bit more, and he said goodnight, but he never messaged me the next day as he usually did, nor the next day either. I waited for a week and then gave up. This was about a month ago. Then today I saw him walking in the street whilst on my way to go shopping. I asked him what had happened, and he said that he thought that I wasn't interested anymore - he explained that in his experience, ladies often won't say no, they will just turn down an offer to meet with an excuse and won't offer any alternative. Then they will hope that this is enough to put the guy off asking them again - as confirmed by my lack of messages the next day and the days after.

I asked if he'd like to meet again, but he said he's in the early stages of a new relationship of someone he just met, but wished me well, and said he had to go... I'm just wondering is this the impression that guys get when things were originally going so well? I don't know...

Just to add - you do seem awfully passive in all this.

Id have done the same thing as him. If you say no then you need to offer an alternative - otherwise it looks like a brush off.

Why did you have to wait for him to message? This isn't pride and prejudice, you are allowed to message him first?

There's not chasing and then there's....radio silence! He probably thought you'd ghosted him - I would've!

I'm going on my own experience here only (female). If I suggested a second date to someone and they said, no, I'm working, and then never contacted me, that would be the last interest I would show in them. They've said no. End of.

They're not interested, sad, but gotta move on.

It's sad how your miscommunication went, but maybe for the best, as you probably would not have been compatible.

Agree with the PP who said you seem passive.
He suggested meeting again.
Fair enough you couldn’t as you were working. But if you wanted to see him again you should’ve then replied with an alternative. Or at least - “sorry, I can’t make that day as I’m working, but it’d be good to meet up again, so let me know when you’re free...” type message.
But it seems you didn’t. And then waited for him to message you.
Whereas obviously you could’ve messaged him.

Your going to have to take this one as a learning curve. You can't just leave a person hanging. Lifes to short and people will move on, he will of taken it as if your not interested.

If you'd said "I can't make Saturday as I'm working but I'm free on Sunday" then he'd know that you were interested but genuinely couldn't make it. You not suggesting an alternative date suggests that you were trying to let him down gently and he took your hint.

Not offering an alternative time is a gentle way of saying there would never be a time that you'd be available to see him. If he messages you when signs were that you weren't keen then that would be red flag territory. If you were keen and wanted to message rather than meet them it was up to you to explain that to him.

Honestly call me cynical but I’d say he had already met the new woman so was blaming you. In my experience a guy who wants to see you will shoot back “that’s a shame, let me know when next free” or something similar.

I thought I I'm echoing others but in any developing relationship if I had to turn a meet up down I'd invite next.

Otherwise you are chasing which can be seen as a problem.

I would have taken that as a polite let down if I was him

I think it´s probably a combination that he thought you were not that enthusiastic about meeting him again and the fact that he probably found someone else.

I have never done online dating but I can imagine that people of those web sites have more than one person in their lives at once, with various levels of intimacy.

I´m not a guy but men are probably trying different "hooking lines", and whoever offers more what they are looking for, that´s what they go for. Unless they´re really in love or really into you, I don´t think they would put a lot of effort with explanations and excuses.

I don´t see anything wrong with what you said to him, even if you did not offer an alternative day to meet up. In the old days, not being too keen would have been seen as a positive, but these days, with so much on offer on the market, it´s probably read as not interested.

The world of online dating or just plain dating looks brutal these days. And it seems to be that men have the upper hand, as they usually do not get as emotionally attached to people as women generally do, or at least I do.

I agree with @Bluntness100
I think he would of tried to carry on the conversation if he was that keen on another date, It seems like you both weren't pursuing it that much.

You should have said something along the line of "but would love to do something next week "....men are very fact based creatures . I don't know why you were waiting for him to text you ?

Yes it’s much easier to say oh I thought you weren’t interested to saying I met someone else I preferred.

Why did you never contact him again if you thought things were going well?

@Bluntness100

Honestly call me cynical but I’d say he had already met the new woman so was blaming you. In my experience a guy who wants to see you will shoot back “that’s a shame, let me know when next free” or something similar.

I agree. People can call it dated, old fashioned, unfeminist, etc. if they like but in my personal experience a guy who is genuinely into me will not never contact me again just because I said I couldn't meet up with him one time. When they're keen they'll be quick to offer you an alternative date or ask when you are free if not on the day they have suggested.

Also, not chasing a guy is really not 'playing games'. It's simply not in my best interest to chase so I don't.

He was walking in the street? Does he live near you? Not that it matters I'm just curious. Seems a coincidence that you met someone online and happened to be in the same place at the same time.

The ball was definitely in your court to suggest a new date or at least send some messages! Nothing to do with "how guys think".

Have been happily with DH for a very long time but will mention that it's a standing joke between us that one of the reasons I agreed to go out with him, even though I wasn't 100% sure, was because he was completely direct about it and not wishy washing, "Triffid, are you free Friday or Saturday? I thought we could do x or y if you're up for it."

But I think your response, in any context, could legitimately be seen as a polite and gentle brush off. eg you get chatting with a mum at the school gate, have a few laughs and chats, kids seem to get on etc. You say (or text), we're going to the park on Friday after school, would you like to join us? If mum responds with, "sorry, can't make Friday" but offers no alternatives etc, I assume she just doesn't want to meet up. If the response is, 'sorry, would love to buy am working friday. Perhaps we can try next week?" I'll think there's tentative interest but won't make any assumptions as it's not unusual to then get almost the same response. I'd probably accept that response 2 or maybe 3 times before giving up. On the other hand, "sorry, can't do Friday but we'd love to meet up. What are you doing after school on Wednesday? Could we do that" is a clear signal this mum wants to hang out.

So I think this man was clearly under the impression you weren't keen and instead of hounding and stalking you, you gently backed off. Good for him.

Male perspective. We have learned or are learning how to behave and that includes not continually pushing it. The bloke sounds decent - he didn't keep perstering you and he was honest that he was in he foothills of a relationship. Next time, be more assertive, say what you want to do.

You didn’t offer an alternative date or message him again, so of course he’s going to think you aren’t interested

Next time, act interested and he’ll remake you’re interested.

I don’t think that’s a specifically male response, I’d just assume you weren’t interested too.

If (as it clearly seemed your weren’t) you actually weren’t interested as you shut him down & offered no alternative & then he’d carried on asking for another meet up despite that then we’d be reading ‘I went on a date, wasn’t keen, turned down a second date politely but he’s asking again - how do I make it any clearer I’m not interested without being rude...’. Most people, regardless of their sex or sexual orientation want to be with someone where they don’t have to do all the running!

@Triffid1's summation is almost exactly how I would have thought about this situation. I'd have left it open for a week or two with an 'ok, perhaps another time?' kind of response. I don't mind a little hiatus after two or three dates - sometimes I think people need a bit of time to explore their options before deciding. If it was still quiet after that I'd be restarting the process of looking for someone else to date.

I agree with others, if you didn’t follow up with a message about meeting again, I’d assume you weren’t interested and the lack of messages the next day would have been confirmation of that. He is basing your response on what he’s experienced with other women.