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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been ghosted by a friend, how do I manage this in a dignified manner?

91 replies

BlueBlazerBlack · 23/03/2021 20:22

Hello,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle being ghosted by a friend? It has been quite a gradual thing, so subtle that I've only just clicked what has happened. After weeks of only replying to my messages several hours or even days later (which I just thought was down to her being busy), she now appears to be ignoring me completely, not even replying to a direct questions.

We have a few friends in common and live in a small town, so I am probably going to bump into her at some point.

What is the best way to act in these situations? I'm thinking bright and breezy, but I am a bit hurt about the whole thing, and curious to know why she felt the need to ghost me.
We weren't especially close, but I just feel that point blank ignoring me is going to make things a bit awkward the next time we see each other face to face...

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 23/03/2021 20:24

I’ve learnt you cant stay friends with everyone throughout life as people come and go. Let it go but if you see her be friendly but nothing more. Sadly things move on. But I know how you feel

Original poster
BlueBlazerBlack · 23/03/2021 20:30

Thank you, I'm a bit annoyed at her behaviour because it is a bit rude. I also keep wondering what happened. I'm an easygoing, happy person, I don't expect too much of people, I'm not needy and I don't take advantage of people. It feels like this has come out of the blue.
The friendship is definitely over and I feel a bit sad about that.

OP posts:
sidesplittinglol · 23/03/2021 20:42

I'm so sorry This has happened to you. It's not a nice feeling is it when people lack the respect of giving you an explanation for their behaviour. I always say it's best to act in kindness to those who do you wrong. One, you just don't know what could be going on to make them act like they do, two, it shows you can be better and not lower yourself to them and three, it will just confuse them and show them that in fact, they're the ones missing out on a good friendship.

Original poster
BlueBlazerBlack · 23/03/2021 20:56

Thank you @sidesplittinglol, I am definitely trying to take the high road, and I want to show her that I can be the bigger person, even though it hurts. Luckily it will probably be a while before we see each other again socially, unless I bump into her at the supermarket or something

OP posts:
Tigerchips · 23/03/2021 20:58

I'm more direct than pps. I'd have to ask outright if there was a problem rather than giving the "breezy" MN response.

AreTurnipsReal · 23/03/2021 21:02

If you weren't especially close, why bother? She probably has something going on in her life. Leave her alone.

Original poster
BlueBlazerBlack · 23/03/2021 21:19

@AreTurnipsReal we are both part of a wider circle of friends, so it is a bit awkward. If it was up to me I wouldn't see her again, but unfortunately we're bound to turn up at the same social events in the future, because of other shared friends. I'm not going to badger her or anything, I'm not that kind of person. I just wish I could avoid her entirely from now on, but I often bump into her when I'm out and about, we live in a fairly small town.

I am not brave enough to ask her directly @Tigerchips Sad

OP posts:
5zeds · 23/03/2021 21:22

Just ignore the ghosting and say something bland and move on.

Skysblue · 23/03/2021 21:35

I know someone who does this regularly. She makes a new friend, bonds intensely, does everything with them for months then suddenly gets bored of them and stops replying/ rolls her eyes and says they’re following her around. I saw her do it to a couple of people and was shocked, but assumed she wouldn’t do it to me because we were so close. Wrong 🤣🤦‍♀️ My time to get ghosted came. Doesn’t feel good huh.

People are weird.

When you see her just smile and pretend everything is normal. Try not to be angry with her: remember she is a weirdo and you are the person capable of genuine and normal friendships.

AreTurnipsReal · 23/03/2021 21:47

Hmm, yes. I was considering that if she has some difficulties she is facing in her personal life, and an incident or two of thinking "I will reply later" but forgetting, it may all be innocent, or at least be from a place where she doesnt mean for you to be upset.

It is tricky for you as you are probably wondering if something has happened, or if everything is OK.

I would probably try to put it to the side and pay it mo mind if at all possible. I hope that she explains or apologises at some stage.

Sorry you have go through this!

JamieFrasersLover · 23/03/2021 22:02

My best friend of 25 years did this to me a few years ago. I was devastated and didnt understand why. I still dont. I did try a few times to get a reason from her but nothing. It took me a while but I realised if she didnt have the common decency to even try to explain then it wasnt worth me being upset over. I cant be doing with games and drama. I must admit that my life is so much simpler without her. I wish her well but I'm not interested in resurrecting anything.
Ghosting people is so childish in most circumstances.

ChocolateFace · 23/03/2021 22:25

I was ghosted by a school/toddler group mum. It took a lot for me to message her because I was going through something very difficult:public which most people asked me lots of questions about.
I later saw her in Sainsbury's and she was obviously up for a chat. I said "Oh, I haven't seen you for ages, then remembered she'd ghosted me and pushed on with my trolly caking "nice to see you!" I later discovered she'd been going through a separation at the same time I'd been having a tough time. But we could have supported each other, and she obviously didn't want that, so ultimately it's her loss.

Habbyhadno · 23/03/2021 22:33

This happened to me with the only group of mum friends I had at the time. I didn't really notice then one morning woke up and, bam, I realised what had happened and I was SO upset. I texted one of them that I was more friendly with pretending to play the innocent and saying 'hey, I haven't seen you for a while, fancy a coffee?' then she replied with 'oh, we all go out most Thursdays if you want to come' (yes, I know that as I was always invited, until I wasn't) then I realised that I wasn't going to let them get the better of me so just forgot about them. It did hurt at the time, but now I genuinely don't care. Life moves on and you'll meet new more genuine people to be friends with. Sorry this has happened to you, it's rubbish.

customwatkins · 23/03/2021 22:48

This is an awful thing to have happened - she obviously has problems you won't be the only one she's done this to.

One thing you should definitely not do is talk to any of your mutual friends about this.

Also don't contact her again.

When you see her again act breezy and friendly but a little bit cool, not overly interested in her, but rather a bit indifferent.

CirqueDeMorgue · 23/03/2021 22:52

I wouldn't be doing the 'breezy' bollocks either, would just ask outright or completely blank her.

Jakadaal · 23/03/2021 23:11

This has happened to me recently and I've resolved to just move on. If I see former friend again I will say hi but that's it. People come into our lives (and leave them) for a reason and I've now realised that this was most probably a circumstantial friendship and circumstances have now changed ... and that's ok

BluebellsRock · 23/03/2021 23:18

If you see them in supermarket/town - nice to see you. It's been a while. I wondered if you were ok. Lovely to see you out and about. Then walk away about your business.

Social event - make polite conversation, superficial small talk. Interspersed with comments along the lines of 'oh haven't you heard....'; I thought you knew about....sometimes you do have to make time for yourself; of course you won't know......all delivered with a smug, contented elegant demeanor.

Then feel free to scowl whilst throwing things in private later!

KingstonTownThePlaceILongToBe · 23/03/2021 23:20

This is happening to me at the moment but I haven't for one second thought I was being ghosted.
I've done nothing that could possibly upset her so I'm guessing she is going through something right now and giving her time.
Yes, sometimes it could be ghosting but I think people need to remember that sometimes it just isn't about us and not take things so personally.

me4real · 23/03/2021 23:22

I unfriend them nowadays as I think it's disrespectful.

A friendship has to be reciprocal- you deserve to be treated respectfully.

Doing something like unfriending helps you feel better about the situation as you're asserting to yourself that you deserve to be treated well.

You can still be polite to her at social events and stuff if you want.

me4real · 23/03/2021 23:26

Some of the people I unfriended due to them not replying were people I really liked/loved. But I feel better for asserting I deserve to be treated with respect.

OysterMonkey · 23/03/2021 23:28

Yeah, bollocks to ‘breezy’ I hate that word!
If you bump into her in the supermarket just nod and mumble ‘alright’
If you’re in a more social setting when we finally get let out, you can just nod and have a vague smile, if you end up in a group situation.
But ultimately she ceased contact, and yes, if you have mutual friends / acquaintances I wouldn’t be discussing it with them (to prevent any awkwardness etc) I certainly wouldn’t be going into any social situations worrying. Just carry on being normal and yourself.

me4real · 23/03/2021 23:31

I've done nothing that could possibly upset her

@KingstonTownThePlaceILongToBe Sometimes people are just nasty/go off us. My stepsister's randomly unfriended me at some point I think, after months of the not replying thing. I got rid of almost all the non-repliers except her, because she's my stepsister (not local or close or anything, but still.)

Now I wish I'd acted like I did with the others, for my self-esteem.

Cam2020 · 23/03/2021 23:34

Breezy all the way. Just smile and wave if they make eye contact. Be polite but get away at the first opportunity, don't bother asking questions.

I really don't understand the demanding answers approach and suspect this might be why those people were ghosted in the first place. People drift apart, it's not your husband of 30 years leaving you.

SkiingIsHeaven · 23/03/2021 23:37

Whenever you see her, be it in the street or social event just say hi and keep walking. Then you haven't done anything wrong and you will be the bigger person. If you are worried about what others think, they will see that you have done nothing wrong.

MonochromeMinnie · 23/03/2021 23:42

Hi, I'm just curious as to the nature of your texts to her? You say you weren't very close, but from your OP you seem to have been texting a lot, and seemed put out that it could take her a few hours to reply. I usually take a few hours to reply as I don't often have my phone on me, it's no reflection on how I feel about the texter.