Been ghosted by a friend, how do I manage this in a dignified manner?

[BlueBlazerBlack]

Hello,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle being ghosted by a friend? It has been quite a gradual thing, so subtle that I've only just clicked what has happened. After weeks of only replying to my messages several hours or even days later (which I just thought was down to her being busy), she now appears to be ignoring me completely, not even replying to a direct questions.

We have a few friends in common and live in a small town, so I am probably going to bump into her at some point.

What is the best way to act in these situations? I'm thinking bright and breezy, but I am a bit hurt about the whole thing, and curious to know why she felt the need to ghost me.
We weren't especially close, but I just feel that point blank ignoring me is going to make things a bit awkward the next time we see each other face to face...

Are we obligated to reply to every unsolicited message we receive and answer every question within hours from any and every person who makes contact? I am too busy engaged in stuff in RL for that.

Also communicating in friendships is a dance - it’s about mutual respect and balance. My oldest closest friends I only text when I have news - might be as little as once every 6 weeks or every day for the few days before a meet up basically around arrangements.

OP if you are part of a larger friendship group then it looks like she doesn’t want or need an additional one on one with you. Are you still comfortable with your place in the group?

I am attempting “the fade” on a friend / old work colleague. At some point one of us will not respond back - is this ghosting?

My reasons for ending the friendship are that it’s run it’s course - we have nothing in common - we were work colleagues 3 years ago and now don’t even work in the same field. Even though we only meet maybe max 3 times a year I am bored with her monologues talking about her work and colleagues who obviously I don’t know anything about. But I am uncomfortable telling her that directly. I also need more time and space in my life to prioritise other friends and family.

I imagine that she will be confused and disappointed but I just don’t know of another approach. I am aiming to let her down gently. I can’t imagine being honest and saying I am bored and want to end the friendship - think that would sting and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I just want to withdraw respectfully.

What would someone want to hear?

Has anyone ever told someone that the friendship has run its course or been told that by someone else? I am hoping that the slow fade will not be too painful for her.

'It has been quite a gradual thing, so subtle that I've only just clicked what has happened. '

You're not that close and she tried to do it gently.

How often were you texting?

I'd just leave it and see how it is when you see her IRL.

she could have anything going on with her.

Also with covid no one has any news so it's all a bit meh. What sort of things were you texting her about?

I was extremely hurt when a friend did this to me. We had been close for over 30 years. Sadly, she married a wealthy man, began to move in different circles and my guess is my face (and lack of a large purse) did not fit. People like these 'friends' are not worth the effort. If you happen to bump into her as part of the wider circle, be polite but distant. Honestly, she's not worth it. Put your energies into the people who like you for you.

When you say, “we aren’t especially close”, would you have much idea what’s going on in her life? Because there all sorts of reasons why she might have given up on replying to messages that you might not know about - relationship breakdown, grieving, illness, depression?

While I have been going through a relationship breakdown, there are a couple of people I talk to, and to everyone else I just went off radar. I didn’t want to lie or pretend, but also didn’t want to talk to more people about what I was going through.

Perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt? Or ask someone who is close to her if she’s ok?

How often were you texting her ?

I had this with someone I considered to be a close friend. Dwindling texts, no more popping in for coffee etc. We always said if ever there was a problem we would be up front and discuss it. Eventually I asked if I had upset her in some way and she got nasty, after ignoring me for weeks I thought it was a reasonable enough question to ask. Anyway a few cursory text messages at Christmas and we haven't contacted each other since. I've resigned myself to the fact the friendship is over. Shame they didn't have the decency to discuss and not just vmcowardly cut me off but there you go, some people are not who you think they are. I've moved on

I had a friend, not super close but have known each other for 20 years. I was depressed for a bit (she wouldn’t have known as she didn’t contact me during that tine. When I came out of it I messaged her, no reply. After a week messaged her again, saying, ‘why aren’t you replying? OK. I guess I’ll leave it then’. Wrote the friendship off. Then the strangest thing, a year and a half later she messaged me, acknowledged her lack of communication, said she was going through some stuff. We’re cool again.

Thank you everyone for your replies, at least I'm not the only one who has been through this.
I think I will follow the advice to be polite but not overly friendly next time I see her. Hopefully it won't be anytime soon.

There could be something going on in her private life that I don't know about, the past year has been tough for everyone so I can relate if she is feeling down.

We usually only text once a week, at times it's more like once a fortnight, or once a month, so definitely not a close friend. But it is unusual for her not to reply to a direct question, because she's usually very friendly and chatty, even when she is busy.

I won't talk to the others about what has happened, I don't want to create any bad feeling. I'll just chalk this up as friendship that has run its course and move on.

There could be an innocent explanation however I have a very close friend who does this for the feeling of oneupmanship it gives her.

And it works. Your friend now has your attention and she has you curious.

My ghosty flaky friend has low self esteem, always claims that everyone around her causes drama. She can’t see that she does this too but in a passive-aggressive manner. She seeks attention covertly. She’s a keyboard warrior. I do love her. I have known her all my life. I love her knowing all this about her character. She has a loud, extroverted older sibling who has always taken up a lot of the parents time and energy so I know what caused my friends behaviour.

It really is therefore best ignored. No audience, no show. She may drift back, then you can decide how much you value the friendship.

This happened to me a few years ago. I felt very hurt and confused. It really made me question myself. It felt like a rejection. I came to realise that it was pointless trying to analyse it or work out why. I did ask her and she denied any issues. I had to move on.

My best friend had this happen to her after 20 years of a very close friendship. The other lady just went off radar, my fried was very hurt and went over everything tying herself up in knots trying to look back on anything that could have upset her. I told her that she would never get answers, something or someone was going on in her life and she had moved on. Some time later we saw this girl on the beach, my husband went up to her and she didn´t even bother standing up from her beach towel to say hello. (they got on really well always). So that was that. Some people who noticed the break up of this girl´s friendship with my friend actually asked her directly, they got a silly lame excuse. So don´t bother going there.

I've ghosted a couple of good friends. In both cases, it was because they were treating me poorly. Self-absorbed, ignoring me if I was having few issues, rude on occasion. One of them was definitely on the way to being a complete CF. I wouldn't want to get into a discussion about why they've upset me, as they wouldn't see it.

I had a friend do this to me too. We were really close.

I think she likes the drama a bit - it bonds her to her husband as they can moan about whoever it is they’ve fallen out with together (they have a slightly odd relationship!!). I was really bothered at first but now less so.

I’m with you on how to act - I felt like I was massively overthinking every action. Should I wave or should I blank her?! I tend to be polite and breezy. I don’t try and speak to her (I see her at school all the time) but I’ll wave and acknowledge her and move on if I see her. No idea if that’s right but I don’t want to sink to her level of being a dick!

I'm grateful for the insights in this thread because I'm going through the same thing. A group I met in my new town two years ago. I moved away after a year for a year and now I'm back but things have changed. This thread has helped me accept that and realise it's not all about me, and see that people have the right to not want to be that close. I have people where I think 'oh no' if I see them and they insist on talking and I don't want to be like that.

@BlueBlazerBlack

Thank you everyone for your replies, at least I'm not the only one who has been through this. I think I will follow the advice to be polite but not overly friendly next time I see her. Hopefully it won't be anytime soon.

There could be something going on in her private life that I don't know about, the past year has been tough for everyone so I can relate if she is feeling down.

We usually only text once a week, at times it's more like once a fortnight, or once a month, so definitely not a close friend. But it is unusual for her not to reply to a direct question, because she's usually very friendly and chatty, even when she is busy.

I won't talk to the others about what has happened, I don't want to create any bad feeling. I'll just chalk this up as friendship that has run its course and move on.

Honestly, then I don't really see the issue. You weren't close, you texted one another about once a week, or sometimes once a month and I have to say that in that kind of 'occasional text' friendship, it wouldn't even occur to me to reply to a message immediately, as it's not going to be about anything urgent or time-sensitive so she could have anything going on in her life and not necessarily want to communicate it to someone she's not that close to.

She's done nothing wrong. Neither have you. There's no need for drama. Friendships ebb and flow. Running into her on the street doesn't need to be some kind of Western-style face-off.

I always think back to the "some people are with you for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime"
Try to just go about your life as normal and don't hold it against them, it's a waste of your mental energy to try and use effort on a situation that requires none.

I dont want my old work colleague to feel hurt or confused by my fade approach.

I dont want to hurt her by telling the truth - friendship has run its course (for me), I am bored with off-loading monologues about people I dont know and I want to create space for other people in my life.

So what do I do or say?
What would you like to hear?

@Sssloou

I dont want my old work colleague to feel hurt or confused by my fade approach.

I dont want to hurt her by telling the truth - friendship has run its course (for me), I am bored with off-loading monologues about people I dont know and I want to create space for other people in my life.

So what do I do or say?
What would you like to hear?

I think that's perfectly civilised, @Sssloou. Certainly if the alternative is sitting her down to a monologue about her failings.

I've dropped contact with 2 people this year.
One kept sending links to Covid conspiracy theories (that she believes). She also became more right-wing (or more openly).
The second got sucked into a MLM.
What is your social media posting like OP? Anything she might be trying to distance from?

I really feel for you OP. It feels really awful. I am going through the same right now with a friend of 30 years. we are part of the same friendship group and she has developed a problem with me and won't communicate directly with me. It's been going on for quite a while now so it's obvious she is trying to shake me off. Apart from the fact I feel very sad about that and have no idea what I have done wrong, it's embarrassing and awkward for the others in the group.

I am glad you say you are going to try and rise above it and that so many others have recommended being bright and breezy. I know the saying 'the best revenge is living well'. The thing is, what I really feel like doing is saying why? Why? to her, or telling the others about it secretly hoping for them to take sides. I know that's not the right approach.

So, take your own advice. It's something that can happen to the best of people and not because of a flaw in you. Show her and everyone else what a kind, calm, ego free and dignified person you are by carrying on with your fabulous life without a comment. Good luck!

This happened to me.

I was spectacularly dropped but did find out via a mutual acquaintance that I couldn’t be in my friend’s ‘friendship circle’ any more as I wasn’t (and couldn’t ever be) a mum.

I thought we were best mates for years. Wrong.

I was devastated.

But I made up my mind to be pleasant when I saw her again.

She completely looked through me.

If I felt worthless before then that made me feel like nothing.

I’m sorry this has happened to you but I’ll put money on it being on them and not you.

Losing a friendship can be very painful. It’s ok to be really sad about it.

@DianaT1969

I've dropped contact with 2 people this year. One kept sending links to Covid conspiracy theories (that she believes). She also became more right-wing (or more openly). The second got sucked into a MLM. What is your social media posting like OP? Anything she might be trying to distance from?

I hardly ever post on social media, and if I do it's normally very lighthearted things. I've certainly never spread conspiracy theories!

I don't discuss politics with my friends, and to be honest I don't have particularly strong opinions that could put people off. At heart I'm a people pleaser

We mostly used to talk about our kids, our partners, work, that sort of thing.

I've never been in a MLM either, I'm not trying to sell her anything or bore her to death with work anecdotes!

I don't think it's anything I've done, to be honest.

Thank you to everyone who can sympathise with my situation.

This thread has helped me distance myself and be more accepting of the whole situation. It has also been interesting to hear from people who have ghosted others. I've never done this myself, because I'm a great believer in not burning bridges - you never know who may come back into your life one day! But I appreciate some people prefer a clean break.

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell So sorry to hear that- what an awful person. Plenty of people would be glad to know you. I don't have kids and like to think your ex-friend's attitude is pretty weird and not the norm. x