Been ghosted by a friend, how do I manage this in a dignified manner?

[BlueBlazerBlack]

Hello,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle being ghosted by a friend? It has been quite a gradual thing, so subtle that I've only just clicked what has happened. After weeks of only replying to my messages several hours or even days later (which I just thought was down to her being busy), she now appears to be ignoring me completely, not even replying to a direct questions.

We have a few friends in common and live in a small town, so I am probably going to bump into her at some point.

What is the best way to act in these situations? I'm thinking bright and breezy, but I am a bit hurt about the whole thing, and curious to know why she felt the need to ghost me.
We weren't especially close, but I just feel that point blank ignoring me is going to make things a bit awkward the next time we see each other face to face...

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell that's awful that your friend dropped you because you are not a mum

I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to merail OP.

Sometimes people just decide you don’t fit or are going the same way in life. That is fine and understandable.

But it stings if you don’t understand the why or how the ‘why’ came about.

I don’t think I’ll ever allow someone that close to me ever again and that is a horrible way for me to be.

Wishing you happier times ahead OP.🌻

Thank you @me4real 🌻 x

I don't know if you are reading too much into it. I've got a mutual unspoken understanding between most of my friends that we're too exhausted to reply much to messages. The last few months have been really hard. With personal stuff on top of that, I have several friends I haven't heard a peep out of in months.

Could be a multitude of reasons, don't lose sleep over it.

Hello,
I can relate to your friend, I go through phases of being a really bad friend and I know it. I love my friends dearly and want them in my lives forever but when I get overwhelmed by life I shut down. I can't explain it to anyone as it just sounds so weird and I don't understand why I do this. I turn my phone on silent for a few days amd turn off all notifications and just hope my friends think I'm busy at that moment. I hate that I do this but I also know that I need to or I won't be able to cope with day to day life. Nobody in my life would guess this of me. Now, two of my children have been recently diagnosed as high functioning autism level one and I am starting to believe that I too am autistic, again you would never guess this as women and girls mask. My girls do this too, they shut off their phones and can't answer calls for a few days. I can only initiate calls but I can't receive them so I leave the phone ring out. It's so difficult to understand but I think your friend sounds very similar to me

@Woodspritely

When you say, “we aren’t especially close”, would you have much idea what’s going on in her life? Because there all sorts of reasons why she might have given up on replying to messages that you might not know about - relationship breakdown, grieving, illness, depression?

While I have been going through a relationship breakdown, there are a couple of people I talk to, and to everyone else I just went off radar. I didn’t want to lie or pretend, but also didn’t want to talk to more people about what I was going through.

Perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt? Or ask someone who is close to her if she’s ok?

This OP. Especially at the moment. She maybe is going through a tough time and just isn’t up to it. I’m also perplexed about you saying you’re not close, how have you noticed you’ve been ghosted? If I think about people I know but am not close to, I don’t know how I’d realise, as not being close means not talking often anyway doesn’t it?

Well if someone I wasn't very close to messaged me often enough that they noticed how long I took to reply, I would reckon they were scarily over invested in me ! I don't text people I am not that close to at all. Could she be the same? No reason to think she is nasty. Also it's probably not that she has other stuff going on, much more likely she just doesn't want another 'friend' as is her right.

I'm intrigued by this thread and sad for those who've been hurt by ghosting. I don't think think this is ghosting though as you weren't particularly close in the first place. It could be that she's got shit going on or just that she can't be bothered with some of her wider group. OP, if you were in her shoes, how would you ease her out? What would be better, to gradually break contact or to text and say 'actually, I'm slimming down my friendship group and you're one of the losers'? People don't have to stay friends forever.

I think bright and breezy is perfect. If you bump into her in a cafe/shop etc, just say “hi, how are you?” But keep walking or moving or send an urgent message on your phone whilst saying “sorry, someone is waiting for me to get back with these bananas/bagels/whatever”.

Bright and breezy. She doesn’t bother you, you’re busy and happy

Horrible feeling, but some people do get off on this. If she is a good friend, I would probably just text with 'you've been quiet lately, just checking in all ok with you'. Her answer, or lack of, should determine where you stand.

This happened to me. It was devastating at the time as I lost my friendship circle through it. My advice is go radio silence. Don’t say a word or she may bad mouth you to the others (that happened to me). Ignore. Build friendships with the others. Start inviting one on one. Do not include her.

I imagine she's got important problems so doesn't really have space for chatting with more of an acquaintance than a close friend. I'd be very polite and say hi and not take it personally if it isn't acknowledged when you next bump into each other. She may well say sorry I have got back to you my xxxx died or X happened.

My friend ghosted my 25 years ago before ghosting even had a name!
It was so hurtful so I send my sympathies.
I saw her for the 1st time in 25 years just before lockdown and it was a shock, I was like a rabbit trapped in the headlights.
She gave me a brief run down of her life whilst I stood there not knowing what to say.
She sent me a message on fb later that day explaining what happened back then, boyfriend didn't like how close we were and implied I'd tried it on with him, knowing she'd dump me.
I sent a message back, it was very liberating finally getting my say.
We're now fb friends but that's all.
Just say hi if you see her and keep walking, keep your dignity

But this will be about her, not you.

Either she has something happening in her life that's made her change how she relates to you/all friendships/certain friendships

Or this is how she 'manages' her friendships long/medium term - ie, she's a weirdo and you've only just realised.

This doesn't have to be addressed at all really - you simply stop contacting her, then when you see her again just act as you normally would towards an acquaintance rather than the friend she was. 'Oh hi Fanny, gosh it's been ages, I hope you're well!' (note lack of asking a direct question there? - gives no option for her to pointedly ignore it and make an awkward situation, if she's that weird. Always a useful tactic with the oddbods!) Then you either make polite chit chat if that happens, or if she ignores or flounces you smile and turn away, or talk to other people.

It is hurtful, but it becomes less so when you realise this isn't about you personally. Because you haven't done anything. She was clearly never really a friend, because people who do this don't have the capacity to be good proper friends, they aren't the kind of people you should select for closeness. She's done you a favour - showing you what she's like underneath. Be friendly when you see her and if you want to feel something, make it pity. She's missing out big time and she has No Idea.

Maybe you have actually done something or multiple things & she’s decided she would rather let the friendship go than confront it. I would never ignore messages but I’m in the process of distancing myself from a very toxic person who never thinks they do anything wrong. She used to complain how people treat her & how wronged she was, but then she would do the same things she complained about to me! I am happy to be acquaintances with her as I do occasionally enjoy her company, but I don’t want to be good friends or have her depend on me anymore as it’s not reciprocated in the slightest (not that she would realize this) I would just let it go & assume you’re both better off!

I don’t think I’ll ever allow someone that close to me ever again and that is a horrible way for me to be.

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell I think to not be as emotionally reliant on friendships can actually be a good thing. Make your own entertainment, enjoy your own activities etc, then any associations you have with others are just one type of icing on your pre-existing cake of enjoyment.

I used to judge my worth by how many friendships I had/didn't have, and that's not a good way to be.

Trust me at me4real I would never be reliant on anyone else again and you are of course absolutely right.

I have learned to be ok with it just being me with lovely acquaintances.

I am happy to be there for others and have been since all that. I just don’t expect it back

It sounds sad when you put it like that, but really it's about not relying on other people and not expecting anything from them (though if they're really crap then bin them.)

I formed a similar conclusion to you, but then over the past year I've found a good friend who seems to put the same amount of effort in as me, and also got a closer/more regular connection over messenger with a woman I've known a bit longer. So, you never know.

Oh that is grand for you flower 😊

I will allow myself a chink in my armour and life could present me with a surprise.

No man is an island and all that.

Although my backside is the size of a small one so maybe that saying doesn’t apply to me! 😬

@KingstonTownThePlaceILongToBe

This is happening to me at the moment but I haven't for one second thought I was being ghosted. I've done nothing that could possibly upset her so I'm guessing she is going through something right now and giving her time. Yes, sometimes it could be ghosting but I think people need to remember that sometimes it just isn't about us and not take things so personally.

This. My mum died early this year and I could barely summon the energy to get up and keep going. Got lots of messages I meant to return when I had the energy, but there were people I forgot. I guess there is something going on with her.

@douliket
You have just described me. I don't understand it either.
I do think though, that if you have a demanding job that takes up a lot of time, sending text messages becomes almost another admin aspect of your life.
Whatsapp groups in particular I find draining - especially when other members of the group aren't working and the texts come flying through at all times of the day.
I'm not allowed to have my phone even in sight through the day, so finding that the chat has moved on by a number of comments when I finally get to my phone means time has to be spent catching up on the conversation when there just isn't time to do so.
I am constantly running to stay on top of work stuff and often just don't have the energy or time to spend a chunk of time on my phone in the evenings. It's not meant to be hurtful, but I do think that sometimes people don't realise that silence means things are over-whelming or just not going too well.

There are three types of friends, a friend for a reason, a friend for a season, and a fried for a lifetime.
Seems to me she was a friend for a reason, the reason being friends through mutual friends.
Just delete the messages and move on. If you see he out, including social events just be polite, but don't engage in conversation

@Ashard20 I agree with this, I sometimes feel overwhelmed replying to four or five people/WhatsApp groups. The only people I'm messaging regularly are my DP or DM maybe. I just feel so tired after work that I can't find the energy to start messaging. It isn't anything personal at all!
It does suck OP, but she might just be really busy?

I did nudge one guy today who hadn't bothered replying to me for like 6 months. I said I usually unfriend people who do that as I see it as disrespectful.

First he said 'sorry I haven't had my phone, it broke' or something (like someone usually has a broken phone and no phone for over 6 months.)

Then he did message back later and say he's just been going through a hard time (I know this is true) and didn't mean to be rude or anything. Fair enough, he might be the one person I let off for now.

My stepsister has actually unfriended me (!) so I shouldn'tve kept her on before. It feels better to be the first to make the break.

@Dreamingofbeergardens
Totally agree.
In some ways it was a lot easier when you would catch up with a good old-fashioned phone call once in a while at a mutually convenient time.
It's the implied sense of offence if there isn't an instant reply that I find so pressured and incredibly intrusive.
Tests asking if you are ok are not helpful. Neither are texts that start with Hello Stranger, or announce that it is obvious that you no longer wish to be a friend.
Don't take it personally OP. Just make sure there is an open door for her to come back - if you want her to. Or perhaps when you next have contact, shift your friendship into a different modus operandi.
Friendships that pick up where you left off are always the best ones imo, but then it probably helps enormously to have friends with the same viewpoint on this.
And remember that friendships used to succeed with intermittent contact. It's only now that we seem to need constant contact with people.