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Original poster

Been ghosted by a friend, how do I manage this in a dignified manner?

91 replies

BlueBlazerBlack · 23/03/2021 20:22

Hello,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle being ghosted by a friend? It has been quite a gradual thing, so subtle that I've only just clicked what has happened. After weeks of only replying to my messages several hours or even days later (which I just thought was down to her being busy), she now appears to be ignoring me completely, not even replying to a direct questions.

We have a few friends in common and live in a small town, so I am probably going to bump into her at some point.

What is the best way to act in these situations? I'm thinking bright and breezy, but I am a bit hurt about the whole thing, and curious to know why she felt the need to ghost me.
We weren't especially close, but I just feel that point blank ignoring me is going to make things a bit awkward the next time we see each other face to face...

OP posts:

youremyperson · 26/03/2021 00:13

I'm part of a group, there's a wider group but then a group of 3 of us who had a separate chat, we got on really well then I had a breakdown and they decided to phase me out so now that WhatsApp group is silent. They're still posting on the other chat about meeting up with the other person.
It makes it more awkward that I work with one of them... but not for much longer!

When I leave work I'll leave all the groups and never see any of them again

me4real · 26/03/2021 00:18

It's the implied sense of offence if there isn't an instant reply that I find so pressured and incredibly intrusive.

@Ashard20 If people get stroppy if you don't reply in hours/days/weeks then that's one thing but if it runs into months then that is rude/disrespectful.

Billandben444 · 26/03/2021 07:27

I don't understand - are we never allowed to slim down our friendship groups? If we are, what is the correct (i.e mumsnetter) way to do it! Send a text saying "that's it, I'm done with you, you boring person who adds nothing to my life" or just leave longer and longer gaps between contact until the penny drops? For whatever reason, this woman has decided to cut contact with the OP and, if they bump into each other, the correct behaviour would be to treat each other as acquaintances and not mates.

Designingheaven · 26/03/2021 07:33

I’m going to offer another perspective, I recently distanced myself from 2 people in a similar way.. I didn’t want to have the ‘friend breakup drama’ and my life is just moving in a different direction and I also heard a few things that they’d said about me behind my back that weren’t good. I’m not suggesting you’ve done anything wrong in this situation at all but sometimes people distance themselves instead of starting an argument. If these people ask me why I haven’t been in touch or anything I will explain but I’d rather not have to that’s all. Could you maybe text and ask if it’s bothering you? If not, move on and focus on the friends who are there for you and care about you.x

Lovelydiscusfish · 26/03/2021 07:37

Something similar with one of my friends recently, but I didn’t really assume she was ghosting me (I mean, of course I knew that was possible) - I thought it more likely she was upset and having a hard time and too low to reach out, so I sent a text saying I hoped she was ok and she didn’t have to reply but I was always here for her. She replied in a few days saying my message was lovely and yes she had been finding things tough.

We message now but more sporadically. There is also the fact that, with the grinding boredom of lockdown, I think everyone is running out of things to chat about!

WiseOwlOne · 26/03/2021 07:41

This is really hurtful but channel content insouciance when you see her.

tenredthings · 26/03/2021 07:41

It may not be about you at all. I find when I'm having a tough time I distance myself from friends because I feel shit about myself and I feel that I don't have anything to offer. ShouldI be worried my friends will think Im ghosting them when in reality I'm just feeling low ? Especially at the moment when you can't see people easily.

KarmaNoMore · 26/03/2021 07:42

She has not ghosted you, ghosting is when someone disappears completely from your life suddenly with no explanation after a perfectly good relationship.

She has been withdrawing for ages and you are not taking the hint. Just leave her alone and give her the space she needs. If she is a real friend, she will come back when she is ready.

WiseOwlOne · 26/03/2021 07:47

You know it's nothing you"ve done. Hold on to that.

I was cut from a group once. Two women had a fight about dogs. It's all patched up superficially now i think but the woman who started the bad feeling with her digs, she has graciously "forgiven" my friend who she perceives to he higher status than herself but she has not forgiven me for defending her 'oponent' because she perceives me to be lower status than her!

So my crime was greater in her eyes. The nerves of me choosing right from wrong when im so low in status!

SoundOfFalsetto · 26/03/2021 08:03

She has either something major going on in her life and she doesn't want to talk to anyone or she is playing games. Either way, you are wasting your time. If it is a) she will reconnect at some point.

WRT people in my life that pull stuff like this or have some kind of personality deficit, I do the same thing. I put more effort into my own life. When someone takes something away from me, I pour energy into bringing my own MH, self-esteem, and self-worth. I've learnt a lot over the past year about the people around me, the food the bad and the ugly. Someone ghosted me about a year ago too. All these things have got to me, but they also did me a favour as I am now 1 stone+ lighter, much fitter, look better and have spent a lot of time on my own MH as a reaction to other people trying to bring me down.

Original poster

BlueBlazerBlack · 26/03/2021 21:07

Just checking in to say thanks again for all of the supportive messages. I didn't expect to get so many replies!

It's interesting that a few people have suggested we were merely acquaintances rather than friends. This is really not the case, before lockdown we socialised in a larger group but sometimes also one on one. She also confided in me a while ago when she was having some problems and I tried my best to help, as much as one can when in lockdown! When I said we weren't very close, it was more because I haven't known her for a very long time compared to what I consider to be my 'close' friends. For instance, I have known my best friend since we were in primary school and we have been close friends for more than 20 years, despite living very far away from each other. Other close friends that I met in work have been in my life for over 10 years.
I feel very fortunate that I have managed to hold on to many friends for such a long time, but I guess I've forgotten what it's like to have a 'friend for a reason' or a 'friend for a season'.

I'll give her the space she needs and won't message her again, but in all honesty I'm not sure I want her back in my life if she does get back in touch. If I do see her socially I'll remember all the good advice you ladies have given me here - I will definitely be channeling 'content insouciance', I think that is a lovely turn of phrase @WiseOwlOne

OP posts:

Sssloou · 27/03/2021 00:09

She also confided in me a while ago when she was having some problems and I tried my best to help,

She may have done this when v vulnerable and now feels exposed, shameful or embarrassed for her over disclosure?

Sometimes when issues are resolved it can be painful to face someone who we shared personal info with or reminds us of a difficult time in our lives.

WiseOwlOne · 27/03/2021 08:09

Yes, somebody talked to me about her miscarriage and i was as kind to her as i was equipped to be, then she blanked me for a decade. Our paths dont cross anymore luckily

Wildern · 27/03/2021 08:35

@Sssloou

She also confided in me a while ago when she was having some problems and I tried my best to help,

She may have done this when v vulnerable and now feels exposed, shameful or embarrassed for her over disclosure?

Sometimes when issues are resolved it can be painful to face someone who we shared personal info with or reminds us of a difficult time in our lives.

Yes, and I think it’s something the general trend of the frequent Mn threads about ‘I did everything for her, was a shoulder to cry on, supported her through y and z, and now she’s drawing away when she should be supporting me! ’ tend to overlook.

People often don’t want to be reminded of bad times and don’t necessarily want to socialise with their ‘rescuer’ or someone they associate with their past struggles.

It’s a risk you take when you choose to adopt that role in a relationship, just as you risk being left for someone else if you’re in a (romantic/sexual) relationship where you got together when he was bereaved, ill, in recovery etc, and now he’s fine again, he doesn’t want to be around someone whose sense of him was formed when he was ‘broken’.

Twintub · 27/03/2021 08:47

Blue blazer this happened to me with a group of friends. We were friends , husband and kids. I was dumped but kids and husband still friends. Anyway I see them before lockdown often and it’s awkward I hate it and I wish I never had to see them. However because of all that I just say hi how are you and move on. One of them point blank ignores me if she is on her own and I still shoot out Hiiiiiii !!! Not really got any advice but i can sympathise eventually you will start not to care. I didn’t demand answers because people will never tell you the truth. They ghost you as someone said to avoid the confrontation.

WiseOwlOne · 27/03/2021 09:39

Totally agree. Sometimes people have a perception of themselves that is fragile around a person they've leant on or confided in. I know ive been in this situation but just waited til it passed. Showed them i was strong again now. But it is a real feeling. It's not that person who overshared can't bear the person who listened or helped. (They had empathy, kindness, they listened). It's their perceived perception of the Oversharer !

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