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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I tell my son I want to be with a man he doesn’t like

101 replies

Pointerg · 23/03/2021 13:56

Can anyone offer me advice as to how to have a conservation with my 27 year old son who lives away from home that I want to try again with my ex partner who he hates. I was in a relationship with him for 4 years and admittedly it wasn’t always easy, left a couple of times previously but went back because I love him. We split again last September but I miss him so much, lockdown hasn’t helped obviously with not being able to get out to meet friends and family but I’m really struggling. Haven’t had any contact with him until recently as I thought it would help me get over him but he his on my mind constantly. He behaved in ways sometimes that weren’t acceptable but I really want to try agin and give us another chance. My son and I are very close but I am scared of having the conversation with him in case he turns his back on me. I go round and round in circles trying to come up with a solution but I just can’t find an answer. Any advice please.

OP posts:

Notable · 23/03/2021 13:59

It sounds like your son will be frustrated with you and perhaps you should listen to his concerns. Because you haven’t painted us a picture of a happy, healthy relationship with this man.

Solomon1212 · 23/03/2021 13:59

Dont.put your child before a man. Its not acceptable to force a child to be around someone they dont like. I know from experience

Warrickdaviesasplates · 23/03/2021 14:02

It sounds a little like you want to get back with your ex because you've been in lockdown so haven't met anyone else.

You admit that he has acted in an unacceptable way in the past so why are you willing to get back together now.

I appreciate this isn't what you've asked but do you think that some of your trepidation about telling your son is due to you not being able to justify why you'd forgive your ex and knowing that your son will probably ask some questions that you are trying to ignore in your own mind?

caringcarer · 23/03/2021 14:03

If your son has good reason to hate him you are probably going to have to face if you pick to be with ex then you will lose closeness with your son. He is grown up and lives away from home so he won't be be impacted as much as if he was younger and still living with you. Did he hate the way ex treated you? If your son has no good reason to hate ex then he will just have to lump it. Your life your choice however if it did not work last 2 times you were together unless anything has significantly changed what makes you think it will work better now?

EatTheCakeBarry · 23/03/2021 14:05

He behaved in ways sometimes that weren’t acceptable

Your son clearly loves you, this man? Maybe not so much. Why are you going back? It didn't work and you left a couple of times so again I would ask what makes you think it will be different this time? What has changed?

I can see why your son would be concerned about you.

Opentooffers · 23/03/2021 14:05

Yea, advice is, don't go back to him. Missing him and loving him are poor reasons to accept shit behaviour. You have already broken up many times, thus proving that it's not right. He's got to be of an age now, where he won't change for the better, so the behaviour that caused previous breakups, will still be there. You'd be a fool to do it, and your fear of telling your son just shows this.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 23/03/2021 14:05

Don't. It sounds like a terrible idea. Deal with your grief and move your life forwards.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 23/03/2021 14:05

My son and I are very close but I am scared of having the conversation with him in case he turns his back on me.

Your son might wish to put distance between himself and his man and if you want a relationship with him then that might mean your son putting distance between himself and you as well.

I suppose you have to decide if you're willing to risk your close relationship for this man as your son has every right to not want anything to do with him.

Pebbledashery · 23/03/2021 14:06

You are essentially going to have to pick between your son and this man and you haven't shown in your post that this is a happy and healthy relationship.
Whilst your son is a fully grown adult, he doesn't have to accept your life choices and be happy about it if he knows you are going to get hurt. I am sure he has a perfectly good reason to not like this man.
If you get back with this man you risk losing your son.

Suzi888 · 23/03/2021 14:06

@EatTheCakeBarry

He behaved in ways sometimes that weren’t acceptable

I can see why your son would be concerned about you.

This^

And don’t take this man back! It will just be more of the same. I understand you may be lonely and it’s nice to have company, but is it really worth it.

Toddlerteaplease · 23/03/2021 14:07

Listen to your son.

MustDust · 23/03/2021 14:07

I think the question you should be working on is how to tell yourself you deserve better than a crap relationship. Be a little kinder to yourself and don't put yourself through more heartbreak on someone who clearly doesn't make you happy.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 23/03/2021 14:08

Maybe you should think a bit harder on what sort of a relationship and man it is that you would be jumping back into that would make your son turn his back on you.

LadyDanburysHat · 23/03/2021 14:08

There is obviously good reason your DS doesn't like him and it is from love for you.

I have had similar with my Mum, it wasn't pleasant. Think about why you really want to be in this relationship. Something that has failed twice doesn't seem like the best option.

forumdonkey · 23/03/2021 14:09

No wonder your son doesn't like him. From what you said, I'm wondering why you did? There's a reason why you left him repeatedly.

You sound like you'll put up with anyone and any shit, rather than being on your own.

My advice, move on because there's someone who will make you happy, love you and put you first and your son will be thrilled and like him too - but it's not with your ex

Clymene · 23/03/2021 14:09

Why does he hate your ex? Why do you love him?

VettiyaIruken · 23/03/2021 14:10

What has this man done to you previously?

Your son doesn't have to like him or accept him.

Assuming this man has treated you and/or your son badly in the past then if he (your son) chooses to walk away from you then you'll just have to accept that the price you have to pay to have this bloke back yet again is any relationship with your son. So 🤷‍♀️ you'll choose who means more to you.

TinCanCollector · 23/03/2021 14:10

So in just 4 years, you’ve already split up with this man several times.

Your son, along with most of your other friends and family I’m guessing, are probably sick to the back teeth of hearing you moan about this man and your shitty relationship when it gets rough, offering you support, listening to you, perhaps even helping you leave, only for you to go back again and again.

I think you’re right, it’s very likely your son will get to a point where he turns his back on you, for the sake of his own well-being. There’s only so much you can let other people drag you along with their relationship dramas before you say enough is enough.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2021 14:11

What did he do?

MazekeenSmith · 23/03/2021 14:11

Was he abusive? Of course you're an adult and so is he so you can see whoever you want but it sounds like your son has good reason not to like him?

Triffid1 · 23/03/2021 14:12

So your ex doesn't treat you well - and I noticed you've glossed over the details but reading between the lines I'm guessing that he cheated on you and/ or abused you in some way (financially, emotionally, physically). I'd also put money on you being constantly on edge around this man and probably quite unpleasant to be around as a result - eg scared of spending time with your son or only doing certain things or never doing other things because this man doesn't like it?

And your son can see all this. So he not only gets to watch his mum, who he loves, be treated badly, but he gets to experience a version of his mum that is probably not the version of his mum who he loves.

I'd be asking yourself why you want to get back together with a man like this.

Lampan · 23/03/2021 14:13

From what you have written it sounds like your son Maybe has good reason to dislike this man? And also that you can probably even understand his point of view? In what ways did the man behave unacceptably? Who ended the relationship?
It sounds to me like you are lonely/bored and are focussing on a man who probably isn’t good for you. Have you tried meeting anyone else? Not easy during lockdown I know but maybe you could meet someone who treats you better.

makesIlaugh · 23/03/2021 14:15

Sounds like your child is more the adult here. Sometimes you have to be on the outside looking in to see what's wrong. Listen to you son.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/03/2021 14:15

The issue with your son is a red herring. The real question here OP is how/why do you tell yourself that a relationship with this man is a good idea?

Wanderlusto · 23/03/2021 14:17

Come on now op, you are a grown adult. Someone treated you unacceptably and you're going to go back to him because you are feeling lonely....grow the fuck up woman! Your son should be mad at you, you're acting like a right twat. Choosing a rotten man over yourself.

Give your head a wobble. You shouldnt need your grown son to do that for you.

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