How do I tell my son I want to be with a man he doesn’t like

[Pointerg]

Can anyone offer me advice as to how to have a conservation with my 27 year old son who lives away from home that I want to try again with my ex partner who he hates. I was in a relationship with him for 4 years and admittedly it wasn’t always easy, left a couple of times previously but went back because I love him. We split again last September but I miss him so much, lockdown hasn’t helped obviously with not being able to get out to meet friends and family but I’m really struggling. Haven’t had any contact with him until recently as I thought it would help me get over him but he his on my mind constantly. He behaved in ways sometimes that weren’t acceptable but I really want to try agin and give us another chance. My son and I are very close but I am scared of having the conversation with him in case he turns his back on me. I go round and round in circles trying to come up with a solution but I just can’t find an answer. Any advice please.

Listen carefully to your son.

Solution? Stay away from the man who has behaved in unacceptable ways.
Simple.

Get some Respect for yourself !

There's a bloody good reason why you split up from your ex !
And you know it too !

An your sons concerns are very valid about your ex too.

Your ex sounds like he is serious Bad News too.!

Proberly a Arsehole !

No wonder your son can not stand !.after seeing how much hurt ect he emotionally inflicted on to you !.
.
You can have free counselling Therepy and CBT cognitive behavioural therapy free with NHS

I suggest you need it !

As you need to explore why you settle for shit man /relantship like this one.!

I think there is Something in your child hood history ,
you are unconsciously re creating the Same or similar negative relantship toxic patterns !

What was it then?
Only you knew !

What was your mom and dad relantship dynamic then?

Proberly not a healthy /or good One .maybe ?!

Therepy will help you gain insight clarity to give you the Cofindence to make the most effective right steps to heal and move on from negative crap emotional baggages holding you back from having healthier relantships and making better decisions life decisions

You are trying attempting to mimise somewhat what a real Arsehole your ex has been in the past !

He is No good for you !
Never will be !

Do some reflection work on improving your self Cofindence through therapy and just maybe /

I Think you will be after that be in a better emotional mind to enter into a better kind of relantship !
Instead of the usaul dead end/toxic Ones !

Don't rush into relantships though.

Spend time on yourself you are worth it !

Work on creating a better life on your own with supportive family and good friends
And looking at what pastimes interests you can discover enjoy learn new skills etc

Your son clearly has more sense than you do. Give your head a wobble, stop being so desperate, and keep this loser out of your life. Unless of course this man is more important to you than a good relationship with your child.

@Solomon1212

Dont.put your child before a man. Its not acceptable to force a child to be around someone they dont like. I know from experience

He's not a child, he's 27.

OP, I think you should just have an honest chat with him and say that you know he won't be pleased but it's important to you to give it another try with this man. You won't force your son to be around him but if he is you do expect him to be civil.

Oh dear op.

You are dreading the conversation as your son will tell you all the things you have been trying to ignore.

Theres a reason you split up with this man. Your post doesn't talk about him spending months of lockdown in therapy- so you will be going back to the old crap relationship. He'll make an effort for a while, obviously, but then it'll be back as it was.

Hold on. Restrictions are lifting and you will be able to have time with friends and meeting new people soon.

Give yourself a few months of normal life before going back.

So you're going back for the third? fourth? time. Why is it taking you so much longer than your son to realise he's no good for you? I doubt your son wants to watch you get hurt again and again so he would be sensible to distance from you IMO.

Your son has every right to feel fed up if the older adult in his life can't set an example of a healthy relationship. He's your son; he cares about you and your future. He's also not a child. Listen to his concerns - they are probably grounded in a reality you're desperate to ignore

I'd hope that the lockdown restrictions would have taught us who we really want to spend time with. A chance to weed out the people who are undeserving of our time, the joy suckers who bring very little to our lives.
Your description of him and the issues you've had seems to be deliberately vague, but the phrase "any port in a storm" springs to mind.

Please please be a braveheart and keep moving forward without this man. Your son is telling you the truth, and I bet you know this. You’ll build a life without this man, and you’ll be happier in the long run. He will behave badly again. He will fuck you over again. Break the cycle. There’s nothing good for you with him.

This really doesn't sound like a post a mother of a 27 year old would write. You need to grow up. I feel for your son if this is the way you've carried on throughout his life.

What did counselling reveal about your relationship with this man and why you feel compelled to go back to him?

I honestly believe you already know the answer.

Your son is right - this guy seems like a twat. You are in lockdown which is playing games with your head so hold on and get out there once things open up.

Why do you think things will be any better this time around? Is loneliness driving this?

Sounds like it was an unhealthy relationship before so what’s changed.

It sounds like your son has valid concerns about this guy and he should stay being your ex

It sounds like your son has more respect for you and belief in your self worth than you have for yourself.

@Pointerg I've been in your son's position. It's honestly so frustrating to watch your parent repeatedly go back and forth with a partner who is obviously no good for them. It's never different, second, third, forth time around...

There is no way of telling him that won't leave him disappointed and frustrated. All you can do is acknowledge that and remind him you're and adult who is allowed to make your own mistakes. All I can say as an adult child who has been in this position is, when things inevitably revert back to old ways and the same issues that plagued your relationship before happen again, don't turn to your son for advice / support. It's that that does the damage to your parent / child relationship.

Gosh the son sounds like the real adult here! Is he always having to advise you against your bad decisions? Be grateful you have him and that you're close (a lot of boys don't bother that much with parents when they grow up) instead of trying to put a man above your own child! Poor boy.

OP - you're lonely and thinking 'better the devil you know'.

That is not a particularly good reason for trying again with someone you've already broken up with on more than one occasion already.

What was the not acceptable behaviour?

*OP - you're lonely and thinking 'better the devil you know'.

That is not a particularly good reason for trying again with someone you've already broken up with on more than one occasion already.*

This

It is totally up to you if you want to prioritise the relationship with your Ex over the close relationship you have with your son.

There's nobody I would put before my (now adult) children . Not even my DH who is wonderful. Nobody.

You dont have to answer to your son , but in the same vein he doesnt have to like your choices.
I'm afraid this has disaster written all over it for your mother- son relationship.