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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I tell my son I want to be with a man he doesn’t like

101 replies

Pointerg · 23/03/2021 13:56

Can anyone offer me advice as to how to have a conservation with my 27 year old son who lives away from home that I want to try again with my ex partner who he hates. I was in a relationship with him for 4 years and admittedly it wasn’t always easy, left a couple of times previously but went back because I love him. We split again last September but I miss him so much, lockdown hasn’t helped obviously with not being able to get out to meet friends and family but I’m really struggling. Haven’t had any contact with him until recently as I thought it would help me get over him but he his on my mind constantly. He behaved in ways sometimes that weren’t acceptable but I really want to try agin and give us another chance. My son and I are very close but I am scared of having the conversation with him in case he turns his back on me. I go round and round in circles trying to come up with a solution but I just can’t find an answer. Any advice please.

OP posts:

CookieClub · 23/03/2021 14:18

@Pointerg

"He behaved in ways sometimes that weren't acceptable"

How so?

Notaroadrunner · 23/03/2021 14:18

Do you seriously believe things will be better if you take this guy back? I don't blame your son. He's seen you break up with the guy a few times and is probably sick to death of seeing you being treated badly. Do yourself a favour and don't even consider getting back with him.

HunkyPunk · 23/03/2021 14:20

Dont. put your child before a man. Its not acceptable to force a child to be around someone they dont like. I know from experience

The op's son is 27 and independent. I'm not saying she shouldn't listen to her son, who seems to have the measure of his Mum's ex, but he's not a child!

LittleDoritt · 23/03/2021 14:20

You aren't selling this man very well. It sounds like your son has valid concerns.

katy1213 · 23/03/2021 14:21

It sounds like your loving son has very good reason to dislike this man.
Don't be one of those hopeless women who sets the bar so low because any man is better than no man!

Usagi12 · 23/03/2021 14:21

Your son loves you and it sounds like your partner is not a good person so your son is probably right to worry. If you really want this man in your life you may have to accept that it may come at the cost of your relationship with your child. That's a choice only you can make but I would advise caution. My aunty did something similar when she went back to a physically abusive partner. She lost relationships with both of her sons over it. Over the years they did have minimal contact but she was never close to them again or a real part of their lives. Unfortunately she passed away before this could ever be rectified. Usually I'm one for saying your kids shouldn't control your private life but if you're in a relationship with someone abusive then your kids have the right to walk away from it.

DianaT1969 · 23/03/2021 14:21

So this man has changed? How did he manage that? He won't be acting in an unacceptable way in the future?
Oh, no. My error. He hasn't changed. You are unable to be on your own so are going back to a poor relationship, knowing that your son will be disappointed and need to distance from you. It's very hard to maintain relationships with people in denial.
Have a better try at being single.

Insomnia5 · 23/03/2021 14:21

I think it may come down to you having to choose between your son and this man, who sounds like a total prick by the way. How many chances have you given him already?

Insomnia5 · 23/03/2021 14:23

@HunkyPunk

Dont. put your child before a man. Its not acceptable to force a child to be around someone they dont like. I know from experience

The op's son is 27 and independent. I'm not saying she shouldn't listen to her son, who seems to have the measure of his Mum's ex, but he's not a child!

You’re right, he’s not a child. He can’t be forced to spend time with this man. So chances are his mum will be seeing a lot less of him if she gets back with him

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2021 14:25

There's no way to give you useful advice unless you say exactly what his 'unacceptable ways' were and relate it to why your son doesn't like this man.

If you're afraid to share that because you know what the MN reaction will be then one can only infer that your son is right to dislike this man and that you are a fool to take him back. In that case all you can do is tell your son you're getting back with the ex and accept your son's condemnation and refusing to have anything to do with you if he's going to be around and refusing to listen to you when the shit inevitably hits the fan (again).

Postprandial · 23/03/2021 14:27

'Because I love him' is never a sufficient reason to take back someone who has repeatedly behaved badly towards you. People 'love' abusers all the time, just as children still love violent and neglectful parents, and I've seen dogs rescued from conditions of filth and negligence almost break a lead to rush back to the owners who nearly killed them.

'Love' is completely irrelevant in this situation. You've left this man three times, if I understand your post correctly. He's not going to have magically turned into a decent human being since September. You're just bored and lonely in lockdown, like a lot of other people.

Are you really going to walk back into a disastrous relationship with your eyes wide open, and risk losing your son?

idontlikealdi · 23/03/2021 14:29

27 or 7 your son has a right to be heard, and he sounds right.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 23/03/2021 14:31

I know it's horrible to be lonely, OP. But I think you should listen to your son on this one.

I've made a similar mistake before and it made me very unhappy in the long run.

mindutopia · 23/03/2021 14:32

I would urge you to think about your relationship with your son and also the long term implications of prioritising a relationship with someone who sounds like isn't a good person over your relationship with your child. What happens 10 years down the road when your son isn't made to feel welcome in your home? Or if your relationship is irrevocably changed?

I was a similar age when my mum met her now husband. No one really liked him all that much, but she seemed happy, so we all kept our mouths shut because she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions. 15 years later, we have no relationship. He is manipulative and rude. He also had a history of abusing his own children. They're adults now. They have no relationship with him. He has never met his own grandchildren. My mum has increasingly over the years become brainwashed to his way of thinking, that child abuse is okay, that his behaviour is okay, because she thinks he's a good person deep down and she doesn't want to be alone (she is also much more financially comfortable with him). It's ruined all our lives. She's lost friends. She's lost her family (I'll never have a relationship with her and nor will my children as her beliefs about abuse are just really twisted). It's changed everything. I think back to all those years ago and there are so many more fish in the sea, and I just can't understand why she chose this loser.

picklemewalnuts · 23/03/2021 14:34

If you can't tell people about a relationship, there's something wrong with the relationship. You know that.

2bazookas · 23/03/2021 14:36

"Dear Son

I am a helpless victim in thrall to a proven bastard. I know he will do me wrong like all the other times but I just can't help myself. Soz.

Love from Mum"

butterpuffed · 23/03/2021 14:37

What has changed that you you want to try again with this man ?

Couchbettato · 23/03/2021 14:37

I mean this is the nicest way possible, but where is your self respect?

You only get one shot at life, why settle for someone who you've admitted had treated you less than acceptable on many occasions?

Why go back to someone who has either not lived up to your expectations or has crossed your boundaries?

siyhack58342 · 23/03/2021 14:41

@LittleDoritt

You aren't selling this man very well. It sounds like your son has valid concerns.

I agree with this.

Not sure why you want to get back with this man OP, sounds like a toxic relationship and your son doesn't want to see you get hurt again.

Regularsizedrudy · 23/03/2021 14:43

Don’t be a fool op

Wanderlusto · 23/03/2021 14:54

It's like the angel is your son on one shoulder and the devil is your ex on the other.

You want to quiet the good - so you can indulge in the bad. You talk about convincing your son but actually you are really looking to convince yourself. And want us to tell you it's ok.

You want permission to indulge in the bad. But the bad - will ruin your life. He doesn't want good things for you. And if you choose him, there is every possibility you'll lose your son. And your bloody soul too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/03/2021 15:04

You're asking your son to accept a man he knows has hurt his mother.

The fact you know that will really upset him and damage your relationship with him means two things.

You've raised a kind boy who loves you, wants the best for you and shows that through his and actions.

You're choosing to be with a man who doesn't do any of that.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 23/03/2021 15:07

Only choose a man over your child if you are prepared to permanently scar your relationship with that child. It sounds like your son has justifiable concerns. He genuinely loves you, you are close, so would have no reason to wish to keep you apart from someone who makes you happy and is good for you. Id be considering that very closely if my kids were expressing the same about a partner of mine.

Giantrooster · 23/03/2021 15:17

Is it that it has been your ds that has been picking up the pieces, when you have been with this bf. Have you been whimpering and whining, offloading on him?

You are bored and lonely, but why not wait till things open up and meet up with other people? Going back to a bad relationship just to be entertained is not a mature thing to do.

Keep this behavior up and your son will be distancing himself, if he is better than you with boundaries.

Sorry to be so harsh, but that is really a stupid thing to do, while jeopardizing the relationship with your son.

Pinkielove · 23/03/2021 15:24

My son hates my partner - it never started out like that or I would never have moved my son away from his family home and 100 miles away to live with this man. But things over the years have become toxic to the point where they dont speak at all, I have to spend time with either one or the other, and now I myself am looking to leave because I cant stand the toxic atmosephere and I cant keep splitting my life. So the answer is - you put your son first - men come and go but if I had my time again, I would have listened to my son a lot more. I am lucky in that we are so close I know I will never lose him, but family first every time for me from now on.

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