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Original poster

How do I tell my son I want to be with a man he doesn’t like

101 replies

Pointerg · 23/03/2021 13:56

Can anyone offer me advice as to how to have a conservation with my 27 year old son who lives away from home that I want to try again with my ex partner who he hates. I was in a relationship with him for 4 years and admittedly it wasn’t always easy, left a couple of times previously but went back because I love him. We split again last September but I miss him so much, lockdown hasn’t helped obviously with not being able to get out to meet friends and family but I’m really struggling. Haven’t had any contact with him until recently as I thought it would help me get over him but he his on my mind constantly. He behaved in ways sometimes that weren’t acceptable but I really want to try agin and give us another chance. My son and I are very close but I am scared of having the conversation with him in case he turns his back on me. I go round and round in circles trying to come up with a solution but I just can’t find an answer. Any advice please.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 25/03/2021 07:30

Your son has a point! from what you’ve written, I don't like this man and I’m a stranger online!!!
This isn’t about your son controlling who you see, this is about a spin who can see how bad it would be for you to start seeing what sounds like a not very nice man again. No wonder he doesn’t ‘approve’. Listen to your son!!

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 25/03/2021 07:33

It sounds like you want your son to validate your wrong choices

mrsrat · 25/03/2021 07:35

With all the kindness in the world you are wasting our time ! It doesn't matter what anyone says or suggests because you know it's wrong and you know he will hurt you again yet you are still going to go back despite this . There's a difference between going back to someone your grown up some doesn't like because he distant like the cut of his jib !!!! Your son doesn't like this guy because time after time he has callously hurt you

gutful · 25/03/2021 07:46

Is he worth it?

This bloke I mean.

They say the best predictor of the future is the past.

Truly, honestly is he actually worth it?

PegasusReturns · 25/03/2021 07:51

Your son is trying to protect you.

I’m assuming reference to this man “behaving in ways which were sometimes unacceptable” means he was violent and/or unfaithful. In which case you’ll never convince your son that trying again is a good idea and why would you want to?!

Ginevere · 25/03/2021 10:24

Not quite the same situation as it was my younger sister, but this feels relevant so here we are.

My sister dated an appalling guy for years. We all hated him and told her as such. He was horrible to her and she kept breaking up and going back for more. I overheard her on the phone once asking the same question you are asking now- how do I get my family to accept him?

Anyway, they broke up last year, and she is now panicking about being alone, worried she’ll never find anyone and bemoaning the time she wasted on him. She now can’t understand why she was so concerned with making us like him and why she didn’t listen when we told her he was wrong for her.

Don’t be my sister, OP.

MrsKeats · 25/03/2021 10:45

What did this man do that caused all the break-ups?
I am guessing that because you are worried about telling your son it was bad.
I have been in an abusive relationship and it did damage my relationship with my kids.
I am married to someone they really like now.
Think v carefully about what you are considering.

YukoandHiro · 25/03/2021 10:47

OP doesn't like what she's hearing and has disappeared

movingadvice · 25/03/2021 10:49

My mum put an ex before me and my siblings. He was abusive to us and her, I didn't dislike him because he was with her, I disliked him because he was an utter arsehole who put us all through absolute hell.

Never, ever put a man before your kids.

Crabwoman · 25/03/2021 10:53

@Warrickdaviesasplates

It sounds a little like you want to get back with your ex because you've been in lockdown so haven't met anyone else.

You admit that he has acted in an unacceptable way in the past so why are you willing to get back together now.

I appreciate this isn't what you've asked but do you think that some of your trepidation about telling your son is due to you not being able to justify why you'd forgive your ex and knowing that your son will probably ask some questions that you are trying to ignore in your own mind?

Absolutely this.
Daydrambeliever · 25/03/2021 10:58

Previous behaviour is a fairly accurate predictor of future behaviour. What is the likelihood that you get back together with your ex, your son does indeed turn his back on you, your relationship ends once more and you end up alone?

Good luck with your decision.

ekidmxcl · 25/03/2021 11:09

Depends what the guy did

Rathmobhaile · 25/03/2021 11:41

Whats your sons motivation in disliking your former partner? If its because the way this partner treated you then your sons motivation and honesty comes from love. And perhaps wanting the best for you. Do you really think going with a partner who a man - your son - who loves you thinks is a bad idea is the best plan.

You might want this partner back as someone is better than noone you might think.. Its not. It seems this plan will bring you unhappiness from your relationship with your son suffering and a relationship with a previous partner who wasn't great to you.

OldEvilOwl · 25/03/2021 16:24

More info needed. Does he even want to be with you? and what did he do? Doesn't sound like the best idea

Fgs1 · 25/03/2021 16:44

Your son already knows it won’t work out with him on the long run and it will be a “how did things go so wrong” ... there is a better life ahead of you and it doesn’t involve this man. Listen to your son

saraclara · 25/03/2021 16:58

Decent relationships should be easy (mostly) and comfortable. You've left this man three times. There must have been reasons for that. Presumably your son has watched you be treated badly over and over again, so of course he dislikes the guy.

Your son clearly loves you more than this man does. The choice should be easy.

RantyAnty · 25/03/2021 17:37

You know he's bad for you.

If you're lonely and bored, find a hobby to do. Painting, piano, bookclub, etc.

Get a cat or a dog if you can.

Ariela · 25/03/2021 18:25

You say it was not always easy, that he behaved in unacceptable ways.

Isn't your son trying to tell you something? Will your ex REALLY have changed? Or once lockdown is over (not long now) there definitely will be the opportunity to find someone better, that is easy to have a relationship with, that treats you with respect and in acceptable ways, and that you won't be breaking up with again for the 4th time.

Please don't settle for 2nd best, you're worth more than that.

Elieza · 25/03/2021 18:58

Lockdown has been hard on many of us. We are lonely. We fear being alone. We start thinking of happier times. We forget most of the bad times so what happened previously now seems like “it wasn’t too bad, better with the devil I know than to be alone at my age with my issues” etc

No it’s not. He was bad for you. You deserve better. Your son sees it even if you can’t.

Don’t go back to him OP. It will only lead to tears and snotters.

Kitkat151 · 25/03/2021 19:24

Could you bear to lose your son?? .....if you ok with that possibility then get back with your ex

MadMadMadamMim · 25/03/2021 19:28

There are plenty of men.

Don't go back to one whose standards of behaviour weren't always acceptable.

I mean - that's a low, fucking bar right there...

AnaofBroceliande · 25/03/2021 19:38

@mrsrat

With all the kindness in the world you are wasting our time ! It doesn't matter what anyone says or suggests because you know it's wrong and you know he will hurt you again yet you are still going to go back despite this . There's a difference between going back to someone your grown up some doesn't like because he distant like the cut of his jib !!!! Your son doesn't like this guy because time after time he has callously hurt you
That's why she didn't come back to the thread. There are none so blind as those who don't want to see.
Otter71 · 26/03/2021 07:58

Your son is 27 and from what you say not living with you. What he thinks can be an adult agree to disagree..
But you have said you are lonely and sometimes that can lead us all to consider a bad relationship to be better than none. But it isn't in the long term because it will stop you from moving on, stop you from meeting someone better, may reduce your self worth so you don't believe you deserve better.

And by going back to him you are showing him that upping his game even just a little for a while to snare you back in works and he can keep doing it.

I would say try the freedom programme to understand more about what you are putting up with and maybe try to do more to connect with friends -organise something on zoom, or if you live alone see if someone can form a support bubble. You will be fine.

mrsrat · 12/12/2021 20:11

It's non of his business unless he thinks he's a cocklodger or he has been rude / behaved badly towards your son

Thingsdogetbetter · 12/12/2021 20:31

Zombie

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