Were these aspects of my childhood 'normal'?

[dootdoot]

I'll start by saying that I have an excellent relationship with my parents now. I love them very much, we're very close and I don't hold any of these things from my childhood against them but there's certain aspects of it that, as I get older, I don't think are normal. Also, my parents weren't flush with cash when I was a child but we had a 4 bedroom detached home and went on at least one foreign holiday a year, usually a U.K. based holiday as well.

Firstly, hygiene. My mum constantly told me off for using too much shampoo/conditioner. I remember this from early primary school and if she felt I'd used too much too quickly she wouldn't buy more until she next felt like it. I also wasn't allowed face wash once I started getting bad skin because it was too expensive. I was never taught to wash my face at night, never chased up about teeth brushing etc.

When I first started to wear bras my mum only bought me one because she felt that was all I needed and bras were expensive. I wore that bra 7 days a week, to school, to PE, to sports (no sports bras either) and it rarely got washed because I had to wear it.

I was expected to make my own packed lunch from about 8 onwards. I wasn't allowed to get school dinners because they were too expensive. If I didn't make it I didn't eat lunch which happened often.

I don't know how normal these things are or if I'm building them up in my head because i see other parents on here discuss the way they treat their children and it's very different? There are other examples of similar things but I don't want to overload this post. Basically I feel my mum was sometimes really tight about basic things that I don't feel should've been places to scrimp

Child of the 70s/80s here.
We were only allowed a bath or shower once a week, I remember giving myself a daily wash at the sink in my early teens after someone called me smelly. We wore all our clothes weekly before they were washed.
Had to ask my mum to let me have a bra. No help or support when I also had very heavy periods and she made me wear the same pads as she had, they were held up with a sanitary belt.
I remember having an itchy head and thinking I had head lice. She refused to check my head and shouted at me, from her bed, that I must have been sharing hairbrushes. I bought head lice lotion with my own money and used it in secret.
My sister and I also had to do all the chores between us. To this day I cannot remember seeing my mum do any housework.
Only as an adult did I realise she suffered from depression. We are pretty much Nc these days.

I could have written this. Except I was making the packed lunches for me and my younger sibling. I don't think it's normal but I don't think it's uncommon. I had to make the sandwiches from frozen bread the night before, so we would have a soggy defrosted sandwich by the following lunchtime.

Pressed post to soon - it makes me sad to think about sometimes. But I learn from their mistakes and wouldn't let my child feel how I did. I am all for children being independent and responsible for themselves, but as a parent to a young child I don't know why you wouldn't want to make their lunch and ensure it is nice for them.

There are a lot of parents who just cant be bothered, or who have had enough of the work of raising kids by the time they finish their family and kind of check out. I used to see it all the time when I worked with adolescents. It is a form of abuse - that may sound extreme but it is a type of neglect and there is increasing evidence that this is as damaging as other types of more overt abuse. Sorry this happened to you. Glad you have a good relationship now. From what you said about her health struggles, it may be that she was doing as best as she could but could not really see the effect it was having on you.

I remember things were used sparingly like shampoo, and diluted when it came to the end of the bottle to ‘make it last’. I do remember washing my hair in washing up liquid a couple of times when we’d run out of shampoo (which I hated). We never had conditioner, when I discovered this I bought my own from my paper round money. We just used soap, no race wash or shower gels.
My parents weren’t poor but it was a mind set to make things last until the next time they went to the shops, rather than making trips in between.

Given how recent your childhood was, I would say this is on the neglectful side. I suspect motherhood was a bit overwhelming for your dm at best, laziness at worst.

What was her own childhood like?

It's a difficult thing to take on board as parental love feels to most people like the strongest, most elemental emotion of all human experience, but every now and then in conversations or threads like this I'm reminded: Some parents really just don't give a shit about their children.

The big house and foreign holidays are easy enough to understand because those are things they got to enjoy for their own sakes and would have had anyway. Whereas what would have been in it for them, to buy you extra bras?

Your upbringing feels out of sync with your age to me.

It would have been normal if you were a baby in the 50s/60s/70s. Societal expectations and norms of parenting were very different. One bath a week, eeking out the shampoo, using soap & water for your face, making your own lunch, no supervision of teeth cleaning at primary age, etc. would be how most families operated. Everyone was definitely stinkier!

I don't think young teenage girls wore bras, tbh. Childhood lasted far longer than today. Sport bras were not really a thing. Pitching in with chores around the house was seen as training for your own independence. I had responsibility for cleaning the family bathroom from 1st year of secondary school and my brother did the ironing.

Were your parents 'old-fashioned' generally? Are they older parents given you are the 3rd child? Do your siblings feel as you do?

Is it, perhaps, being the third child and being expected to do more than your siblings did when they were young?

Does any of that help you understand why?

Sounds like your mum/parents weren’t coping well with parenting.

As a childminder, I would record some of those things as neglect or safeguarding issues (no lunch, inadequate hygiene and underwear).

In 2000s/2010s shampoo and bras were not luxury items. You could get them in supermarkets and pound shops.

No I don’t think it’s normal - and I was actually expecting you to be much older than you are. If you are in your early 20s your mum is presumably early 60s at most, so it doesn’t feel like there should have been a huge gap in hygiene expectations re soap, shampoo and enough underwear. And while I don’t think expecting an 8 year old to make packed lunch is a problem - if you weren’t managing it and were going without lunch that’s not OK. If your parents were really struggling financially then it would be understandable, but as they weren’t - it’s very poor and yes sounds like low level neglect. It sounds like your mother had MH issues perhaps? - and perhaps your father just didn’t realise what was going on?

Sorry you had this experience of neglect OP, I’m glad it wasn’t any worse - and it’s nice to know you and your parents have a good relationship - presumably that means they have some plus points.

If you are in your 20s your parents are probably the same generation as me and I've always made sure my DS has the best I can afford. Toiletries, essential and non essential clothing and a bit of care like your parent making your packed lunch is basic parenting. I did it all as a single parent. It sounds like they prioritised the house and the holidays over your needs.

My DM was useless. She did make me a packed lunch when I was small. My DF was the parent and I took his mantra of "tea, bath and bed" with my own child. My DF gave me pocket money to buy toiletries or I could get some when we went to the grocery store.

My DM prioritised her needs, wants and feelings over everything all the time.

I think my parents checked out by the time I came along. There is a big age gap between me and my siblings. I’m an 80s/90s child. Similar things to you OP, I didn’t have help with personal hygiene like teeth brushing, didn’t know I needed deodrant, etc and my parents were tight with essentials I needed, like clothes, haircuts and sanpro. I only started seeing a dentist when my teeth went bad and I could have done with braces (dentist recommended them), but my parents didn’t sort this out. They cut off all financial support when I finished school as I had to “learn the hard way”. I didn’t look back when I left their home to set up my own. My mum is dead now and dad still around, but we aren’t particularly close and he is still miserly about money, despite having plenty.

I’m 5-10 years older than you but I do recognise what you’re describing. We always had enough shampoo and conditioner but mum would usually buy the cheapest one. No one checked my teeth brushing. It was a big deal when I wanted a roll on deodorant or a body spray (the latter everyone else had for after PE). I only had two school shirts and one jumper and they were only washed once per week so they were a bit smelly by the end of the week. Limited ‘nice out of school clothes’ and even then they were often presents. I wasn’t bought a bra until I was a B cup because mum said I didn’t need one.

But my parents were very frugal with most household items - my mum is mystified by the microfibre cloths and spray and wipe I have in my kitchen now! She just wipes the benches with the same sponge she does the dishes with. Although they were tighter with everyday items than a lot of my friends parents we lived in a much nicer house and my parents did very well for themselves in the long run by buying and renovating houses themselves. I won’t begrudge my daughter some nice clothes or body spray though 🙄

It sounds to me like you didn’t exactly have a normal childhood and you may be right in that she had had enough of doing everything for kids by the time you came along.

I can kind of relate to it myself in a way. I was a child of 70/80s. I wasn’t neglected in any way and I wasn’t deprived of clothes but I just got the feeling I was either in the way/a burden and I just represented a list of stuff my Mum had to get through. I didn’t really feel important or celebrated and I am pretty sure I wasn’t planned.

My Parents divorced when I was 7 and we moved in with Mum’s parents whilst she went back to work. She didn’t really spend time with me. She didn’t make packed lunches but just gave me £1 where I just went to the tuck shop each day and bought crisps and choc as all my friends had packed lunch and I didn’t want to eat school dinner by myself. I don’t think she ever knew. She didn’t do any homework with me or even ask about it. She didn’t do anything with me at weekends except for dragging me up town to go shopping. She didn’t take me to any clubs or encourage me to do any further education.

When I think of all the things I do for my DD, I often think that my Mum wouldn’t have done half the stuff I do even though I work just as much as she did. It was all too much effort & it does make me slightly sad. She makes out I was such a handful as a teenager too but in reality I was an angel! She just has no clue.

Nowadays we live 2 hrs apart and probably chat on the phone once a fortnight. I’ve learned to be quite independent I guess and self sufficient.

Goodness
I'm totally shocked by some of these posts.
I have to ask - was alcohol involved ??
My adult kids are 25 and 30 so that makes me similar age to your parents.
My kids were bathed every day and teeth cleaned.
We took then to the dentist as tots so they got use ti sitting in the dentist chair.
They were taught about personal hygiene early on and encouraged to dress smartly and make a good impression. How it is pleasant fir others if they smelt nice.
They did chores and were encouraged to work hard at school.
I went without so they could have decent clothes.
We put the kids first. They were very loved.
And they were fed. 3 square meals a day minimum.
They had a very happy childhood, but to me it was just basic stuff.
They weren't spoiled and I know they appreciated all the things they had.
I made dam sure I met their physical and emotional needs.
I was lucky to be their mum.
Both attended uni and got good degrees.
I'm very proud of the people they became.

My mum was a single mother and we were very poor she worked hard to give us food and higiene was very important thing for her, as soon me and my sister woke up if we couldn't wash the full body we had to wash our face, teeth and the private part, our private part must be washed before we go to bed too.

Bloody hell...I was a teen in the 80’s and this wasn’t my experience...no, it’s not good, rationed shampoo/conditioner 1 bra...my mum got me 4.

I grew up in the 70s and so much of this reminds me of how us kids were almost an afterthought. Neglected teeth, sent ti school in grubby clothes, limited toiletries and baths. I remember having to dress up for a school assembly and not having an outfit as my mum couldn't be bothered.
No interest in my education or interests.
Constantly expected to help her with chores. Doing all the ironing for a family of 5 from the age of 11 which included pressing my father's trousers into pleats with a damp cloth and ironing his shirts and my mums work blouses. Being moaned at relentlessly about everything. Being called a slut because I hadn't made my bed. No discussion about periods because it wasn't pleasant to talk about such filthy things! Just lots of neglect and laziness on my mother's part. She was utter crap and I would never dream of treating my 3 children so poorly.

I have a child the same age as you op and no way did I make them make their own school lunch aged 8. Neither did I make them do it when they were older either. I bought several bras for my daughter as if course you need to wash them. I do think different parents have different rules. I remember a good childhood friend and her parents house was beautiful. She told me they regularly ran out of petrol for the car as her parents had spent most of their money on the house.

My eldest kids who are late 20’s and early 30’s never had this either...

Interesting to see parents commenting here about their different (?higher) parenting standards. I was a teen in the 2000’s and from what I saw your approach was definitely the norm.
I think it comes down to priorities. My parents didn’t have a lot of money and spent what they had on their house because it is an appreciating asset. My mum definitely sees her extreme frugality RE daily living as virtuous and thinks I am wasteful.

How old are your parents op?

How would I feel if I had to wear the same pants for seven days a week. I'm sorry but that isn't good.

Strange set of priorities there - spending money on a big house and holidays, but penny-pinching over bras and neglecting personal hygiene and clean clothes. I think they got the balance badly wrong.

I’m surprised at people saying this was normal in the 70s/80s or earlier. I was a 60s child and my parents were short of money, but I would never have been sent to school without lunch or lunch money, I was told to brush my teeth twice a day and I had clean undies.

Higher?
Basic care surely.
Nurturing
I've know people take batter care of their dogs than some of the parents on this thread.
It's neglect and abusive.

You are all worth more.