Were these aspects of my childhood 'normal'?

[dootdoot]

I'll start by saying that I have an excellent relationship with my parents now. I love them very much, we're very close and I don't hold any of these things from my childhood against them but there's certain aspects of it that, as I get older, I don't think are normal. Also, my parents weren't flush with cash when I was a child but we had a 4 bedroom detached home and went on at least one foreign holiday a year, usually a U.K. based holiday as well.

Firstly, hygiene. My mum constantly told me off for using too much shampoo/conditioner. I remember this from early primary school and if she felt I'd used too much too quickly she wouldn't buy more until she next felt like it. I also wasn't allowed face wash once I started getting bad skin because it was too expensive. I was never taught to wash my face at night, never chased up about teeth brushing etc.

When I first started to wear bras my mum only bought me one because she felt that was all I needed and bras were expensive. I wore that bra 7 days a week, to school, to PE, to sports (no sports bras either) and it rarely got washed because I had to wear it.

I was expected to make my own packed lunch from about 8 onwards. I wasn't allowed to get school dinners because they were too expensive. If I didn't make it I didn't eat lunch which happened often.

I don't know how normal these things are or if I'm building them up in my head because i see other parents on here discuss the way they treat their children and it's very different? There are other examples of similar things but I don't want to overload this post. Basically I feel my mum was sometimes really tight about basic things that I don't feel should've been places to scrimp

The lunch thing strikes me as completely reasonable, a 12/13 year old is more than capable of making their lunch, if you didn’t bother and went hungry that is your problem, you’re not a 5 year old who should need daily reminders about every tiny task.

The shampoo and bra part is a bit weird though - did you ever tell her you needed a second bra? Were you maybe using way too much shampoo and she was trying to teach you a lesson...? Bit odd though.

As a parent you try to prepare your child for adulthood. There's no manual so it's a mix of the rules you grew up with, your partner, things you've seen and crazy ideas you made up yourself.

The rules might change, or be fixed in stone, but always a 'normal' parent will be doing their best towards the same outcome. Results vary as much as opinions.

@notalwaysalondoner

The OP was 8 when she started having to make her own packed lunches. Her mum got fed up of doing it when her older brother was 13, she was 5 years younger.

Her being expected to make it herself was reasonable enough. Her mum not checking was weird. Even more weird is the school not being concerned about her not bringing a packed lunch to school.

The personal hygiene thing is concerning.

The bra thing strikes a cord. My boobs developed quite early. However, I wasn't allowed a bra until I was eleven. I asked for one several times, but my mum refused to get one.

In the end, an aunt bought me my first bra.

My mum did get me a spare, but did not replace them when I outgrew them.

It was a source of embarrassment for me.

My mum was also very buttoned up about periods and didn't prepare me at all. I used up use scratchy paper towels as she did not get me pads.

I felt sorry for my sister, though. She was fairly busty and, for some weird reason, my grannie (who fostered her for various reasons) got a male, American friend to buy dsis the most enormous, hideous bras from America. Very strange.

Chores was a thing I was going to mention in my OP but didn't because everyone has different ideas of what children should be expected to do. In my opinion, my siblings and I were asked to do too much. Hoovering, ironing, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, dishes, recycling and some more were our shared responsibilities from the time I was in primary school

I do agree with you on this that it was too much, my mother was the very same when I was younger, every weekend it was relentless all the chores, and god forbid there was someone coming. It never stopped. Yes it does teach you how to do things that are needed to be done in the house, but down time wasn't taught. There was never a day to relax, everything had to be done asap, nothing was allowed to slip. I see my mother now and actually think she is making herself ill. She never stops and then complains that she is tired not well etc. It wasn't till I moved out that I realized that its ok to not wash the bathroom every day from top to bottom, ironing can wait a few days etc You are allowed to sit down and relax some evenings, the world is not going to fall down cause you didn't hoover the whole house that day ( even though it was done yesterday)

I was just thinking about this the other day with relation to my own parents. Also a child of the 70s/80s and money was tight when we were growing up, but my parents didn’t teach me any basic hygiene other than teeth cleaning which was a big thing in our house weirdly. I remembered recently that I learnt about wiping my bum properly from other people and a friend of mine had to tell me tactfully that I had BO and about deodorant. I also had very few clothes and those I wore never seemed to get clean - I was always trying to scrub my jeans in the bathroom to get them clean again.
I think it was a form of neglect as my mums own hygiene and social skills were very poor. I think I was loved and well cared for in some ways - but no emotional support. I do think there are some undiagnosed issues over neurodiversity..

Oh and the bra thing too - I didn’t get a bra until WELL past the point I needed one as an earlier developer. But was well prepared for periods thank god.

@Wexone

Yes, my DM was similar. She’s now 81 and still can’t bring herself to stop. The result of that is that I feel lazy now I have Long Covid and can’t keep going at all.

It isn’t something I’ve thought about much as far worse things happened (my DSis and I suffered SA at the hands of my F and others) which caused me to repress a lot of my memories from my childhood. But downtime was never encouraged, I think because my DM grew up having to care for her parents and was orphaned at 10.

I don't think normally exists in family units. We all have a different opinion of normally.

Hoovering, ironing, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, dishes, recycling and some more were our shared responsibilities from the time I was in primary school
That was absolutely the norm among my friends. We were all expected to take part in the running of the house. The idea of mother as cleaner and servant to the kids was completely alien to us.

I do remember my first bra was just that a bra.

Mine were two hand me downs from my cousin.

@Mittens030869 its terrible aint it, my mother is so bad she wont use the dishwasher, she has to wash everything by hand, she like its just the two of us in the house, I am like why did you pay 500e to put a dishwasher in the kitchen then and there only tow of us in our house and we use our dishwasher the whole time, it helps quicken the clean up after dinner etc. She was up at half 5 the other day putting a load of washing on , on her day off. I actually think its affected me so badly as I find if I do a heavy bit of cleaning. i actually feel exhausted after and my whole body aches. It takes me a day to recover from it. Its actually so bad that I pay for some one to come in and clean( harder during covid) ( am lucky can afford it) and himself sees the benefit for me on it. my anxiety calms donw and I can relax when the cleaner is gone. I agree with you , my mother was the similar, she wasn't orphaned but her father was never there and her mother worked three jobs, she raised her brothers and sisters

To be honest,all these things have served me well over the years, as I am very frugal now,and when a child, I was taught, but not told,to do lots of things around the house,and garden from the age of three or four.

My mum was raised in the same era and that was passed on to us with how we were raised. I can well afford to waste stuff, but why would I?

My dm always made my packed lunch to be fair but breakfast she didn't bother after about the age of 7 or 8. In the 90's she would set cereal out on table and bowls and i would get myself up and ready for school while she lay in bed after going to bed late, i brought her a cup off tea up every morning before school. I hated milk/cereal at the time so never ate breakfast and nobody was there to make sure i did or give an alternative. I remember on one particular day feeling faint after getting an injection as hadn't eaten breakfast.
When i think of the difference between how i treat my dc it is crazy. I'm up, ready, do them lovely breakfasts with so much choice and wouldn't dream of laying in bed.

This is a child of the late 90s though, peachpearplum01

I too had loving parents but they were very young.
Teeth brushing was never checked on.
I dont recall ever being asked if I'd done my homework.
Another thing that seems trivial but it's stuck with me is even though there were 4 of us children, one pint of milk would be used at breakfast between all of us.
Each bowl of cereal would get a token splash of milk..
I spent most of my childhood craving milk.
And was always quick to hoover up any free milk at school.
I seriously think parents should go to parenting classes and not just to learn how to look after babies.
We all ended up with problem teeth as adults that's cost a fortune to fix.
It horrifies me to think there are parents who churn out loads of kids because
'We love them and that's the most important thing'
No it isn't.

I remember having things like bubble bath , but it was poured in the bath for us so we wouldn't use too much !
I probably had a couple of brad , but not loads. Didn't really have a choice in clothes , they were mainly bought for me and then given as in " I got you this coat " They would be new, but I can remember hating a few things.
We went on holidays, and lived in a council house .

Not brad - bras !

This all sounds very similar to my upbringing. Although lunch was made for me as I would’ve used too much. I was given a tiny lunch when I started school aged 4- one sandwich(white bread, no crust, filling was that ham paste that comes in jars), one club milk bar and no drink. I was still getting the exact same thing when I was aged 12. Don’t even start me on the sanitary products. But mum would spend an absolute fortune on Christmas so the money was there, she just didn’t see my needs.

This thread is heartbreaking. Op I do think you are on the young side to have been brought up the way you were.

Wexone, I am so sorry about your mother’s issues with cleaning. Your words have properly impacted me, because I am ashamed to say I am like your mother (because of my own mother), and I am riddled with guilt about the impact it may have had on my children. I am fighting myself constantly to not let the panic show, as I don’t want them to be like this either. As you say it is worse when people come over. It is like a fear I will be found out, found out for what I don’t know but it is an all consuming fear. I apologise when I can feel myself spiralling but still I don’t want this for them and feel shitty about it. For them, and you I am sorry.

Also, I can’t remember who said it, but I had to plead with my DM to buy me my first bra, long after everyone else had been given theirs. I remember the intense feeling of being shamed for wanting such a “grown up” sexual item. She gave me one of her bras to try on then shamed me further for the back being too tight and the cup being too big. it gave me real issues for years.

I think your Mum was unkind op. She prioritised holidays because she 'needed a break' but couldn't find the cash to buy you a second bra or the energy to make you a packed lunch.

I have three dc and we are properly hard up. However, I prioritise their needs and they do not go without. The eldest has packed lunches because we cannot afford school dinners and he has chosen to start making his own now he is 13, but if he wanted me to do it for him, I would.

I chose to have 3 kids and I want their lives to be as comfortable as I can possibly make them. Mine know we have to be careful with money but they also know they are the priority when it comes to spending what we have.

Similar here so all in all quite a "stressful" childhood at times. Hardly any clothes, no bread in for a packed lunch if we had a school trip, if I was invited to a party there would be no present bought for the birthday person, that kind of thing. Plus, like pps no effort made to remind us to brush teeth/wash faces etc so always a bit scruffy. And no sanpro provided....
But a huge, expensive house.
Now I have children myself I am the opposite, children have so many clothes it's actually a bit silly, welcome their friends here as often as possible and don't want them to feel stressed about anything while they are still children.

My theory is that my mum was an insomniac and was overwhelmed and maybe even bored by having 3 children very close together and just checked out when we were quite young.

If it hadn't been for wealthy and generous grandparents on my mother's side "I don't understand your mother" her own mother used to say, things would have been a bit dire.

So, to answer your question, not normal but very, very common from previous threads on this kind of subject.

I feel so grateful for my childhood after reading this thread. It wasn’t perfect but I can honestly say all my emotional and physical needs were met and most of my ‘wants’ too.

Well, my kids get told to chill out with the shampoo too. They need a 10p piece size not a gold bar

And yes, they can make their lunches although I'd never let an 8 year old go without food. Pretty surprised school didn't do something about that.

Hi OP, to answer the question, no I definitely don't think those things are "normal".

If it were just being tight I.e. the bra and the shampoo, that would be one thing (perhaps there were serious financial problems that made them hyper-frugal). But those other things in your list don't cost money. It was mean of your mum not to make a packed lunch for you, and to make you do heavy chores - as a SAHP, that was her responsibility.

That said, it sounds like you have a good relationship with them now and feel loved, and based on this thread your experience is more common than I'd have assumed. Try not to dwell on it, but perhaps use it as a motivator to do more for your own children if/when you have them.