Were these aspects of my childhood 'normal'?

[dootdoot]

I'll start by saying that I have an excellent relationship with my parents now. I love them very much, we're very close and I don't hold any of these things from my childhood against them but there's certain aspects of it that, as I get older, I don't think are normal. Also, my parents weren't flush with cash when I was a child but we had a 4 bedroom detached home and went on at least one foreign holiday a year, usually a U.K. based holiday as well.

Firstly, hygiene. My mum constantly told me off for using too much shampoo/conditioner. I remember this from early primary school and if she felt I'd used too much too quickly she wouldn't buy more until she next felt like it. I also wasn't allowed face wash once I started getting bad skin because it was too expensive. I was never taught to wash my face at night, never chased up about teeth brushing etc.

When I first started to wear bras my mum only bought me one because she felt that was all I needed and bras were expensive. I wore that bra 7 days a week, to school, to PE, to sports (no sports bras either) and it rarely got washed because I had to wear it.

I was expected to make my own packed lunch from about 8 onwards. I wasn't allowed to get school dinners because they were too expensive. If I didn't make it I didn't eat lunch which happened often.

I don't know how normal these things are or if I'm building them up in my head because i see other parents on here discuss the way they treat their children and it's very different? There are other examples of similar things but I don't want to overload this post. Basically I feel my mum was sometimes really tight about basic things that I don't feel should've been places to scrimp

Had similar on clothes... not a problem that they weren’t new (though would’ve liked it!!) but not clean... they wouldn’t let us wash them much to save water, all our clothes were discoloured and we probably stank. Same with bra and pants... it gets to the point where it’s a dignity issue.

I say this coming from a family with wider problems (violence and alcohol). But definitely the lack of self esteem - I don’t mean in a superficial way, I mean parents not seeing us as worthy and just nuisances for needing anything, and people then seeing us as gross - that really hurt too. People still joke as us looking like wild children, it hurts because it wasn’t it our control and we knew full well they said the same at the time, no one helped us.

1970s. Childhood here
Nice house two cars
But told off for shower running too long
Shampoo rationed
50p a day lunch money for 6 years! No rise for inflation .
I think personally children just weren't at the focus of parents lives then
We were left to get sunburn they smoked in the car etc etc
My very clever former partner was told he couldn't go to uni because his parents couldn't afford it- but similarly holidays days at the races etc etc
Was it neglectful?
No just different times I think .
PS I buy very expensive shampoo and shower for hours these days and fear I spoiled my DCs a bit .

(I’m 80s/90s kid)

I think how you interpret depends on whether you otherwise felt lived and cared for. I did not and so the lack of care and consideration has more significance for me than if I had been.

I think this is key. If you are prompted to look back in sadness at tangible things (such as you’ve mentioned) it’s because that’s how you felt at the time - sad - but had no vocabulary for it.

So I suggest that there was lack of emotional warmth and your emotional developmental needs were not met at the time.

If you had a warm, supportive, upbringing where everyone treated each other with kindness and respect and had each other’s backs - I doubt you would look back at lack of material things negatively because you would have known that your DP did their best.

What’s important now is to make connections to how you live your life now to understand if this childhood blueprint has negatively impacted your self worth as an adult and if YOU neglect yourself or treat yourself as undeserving.

Child of the 70/80s here, always had clean clothes, moaned at about length of time in shower, not allowed to use phone mire than a few minutes, even if incoming, always fed, same stuff, over and over, never had much food in. Never got pocket money.

I would say that was pretty much the norm in the 1970s/80s although if you are in your 20s, probably not so much.

Not telling your child to brush their teeth or making their lunch (or at least checking they’ve done it) seems neglectful rather than because money was tight. Especially given your age.

Similar to me. Big house, private school. But only 2 bras, clothes had to be worn several times, bath could only be filled up a bit. Bought own toiletries my mum never bought them. I wasn’t allowed school dinners as too expensive, only very few clothes as too expensive, very few outgoing phone calls as too expensive, only 1 yogurt a week as too expensive, one carton of orange juice between 6 as too expensive.

It wasn’t too expensive, they’ve loads of money, then and now but they’re unbelievably tight. Their assets are in the millions, they’re the only parents who downgraded from a 5 bed £1.5m house to a flat more expensive than their house!

Same here with teeth brushing, though I didn't go weeks, more like days. My mother never bought me any toiletries ever, no deodorant, I bought it all out of my pocket money saved up ( about 50p/week) at the time.
I remember once my mum asking me in a hushed tone if I had a 'problem downstairs?' She'd found a can of femfresh in my drawer, which I'd actually bought by mistake because I thought it was underarm deodorant and thought the smell was nice lol.This was after buying something called Limara - which I then got home and realised stunk vile to me. So a few mistakes along the way, quite funny when I look back on it. Took me a while to get the difference between deodorant and antiperspirant. Anyway, not a big deal overall. I've always made sure my son has antiperspirant, brushes his teeth and showers regularly.
Parents get stuff wrong to different degrees, I thought we were quite poor growing up. As an adult, I've realised they were far better off than I've ever been, they are just extremely tight and perpetually saving for a rainy day. I suppose one day I will inherit more because of it - then I can finally pay all my debts off.

It doesn’t seem so neglectful to me. Obviously it’s hard to get the full picture from just a small post. The bra thing does seem unhygienic but I think people are influenced by how they were raised and maybe don’t think much of it if that’s what they did.

Also in other cultures it’s very normal to have children do a decent amount of chores. Sure if could signal neglectful parents but I don’t think so most of the time. Neglectful parents would just let the house go into a mess. I was “lucky” in that my mum did everything for me but then when I went to live on my own I’d never had to hoover or clean before so I found it hard to get into those habits.

I'd say the things you wentwithout helped pay for a 4 bedroom house and the yearly holiday. Sounds like money was tight. It was in most families I knew growing up.

You are quite young for this type of childhood, but I wouldn't say it is particularly odd. I only had 2 bras so it was a wear for a few days, then wash while wearing the other one. Partly because bras were expensive. There were a few other self care things that I didn't really get taught too but as an adult I've come to realise that my mum didn't get taught this stuff either. Her mum died when she was barely in her teens and she subsequently left home (with nothing) when she was 17 and had to fend for herself. It's funny, I have a good skincare routine, started young, because my mum took me to the Elizabeth Arden counter aged 15 and kickstarted the process... but she didn't do anything for her own skin and had absolutely no idea. Don't even get me started on her attempts to wear lipstick....

The thing is that I think there's a whole generation that had different standards for a whole lot of reasons, with very little insight into how others lived.

As for the making your own lunch from 8 because you had older siblings.... I think that's quite normal (or was at the time). Certainly true in our case - I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner from about 6 years old, with my older sister doing the bulk and me and my brother expected to help. On the other hand, my brother and I had more freedom than my much older sister because by the time we came along my parents had relaxed a bit and were generally a bit more casual. My sister still complains that us younger ones never had a curfew!

my parents more or less stopped buying anything but food for me from the age of 14, 70's child here. I had spending money and had to buy all toiletries from that, san pro, deodorant. If I ran out of san pro I used toilet paper. They stopped taking me on holiday, I stayed with my Nan.

I had a part time job from 15 years old so I could buy my own clothes and go out. By the age of 16 I was at college as well as having 3 part time jobs, I was loaded

that being said we lived in a large detached house, my Dad earned good money, they're both dead now and when we saw their bank statements from the 70's they had the equivalent of 480,000 in savings, they were in their early 30's

This is interesting OP as my parents were very similar, although I was born in the mid 80’s.
Large 4 bed house, 2 cars, holidays to France etc.
I was expected to make my own packed lunch from the age of 6. I used to call for my friend on my way to school and her mum would make me come in while she brushed my hair as my mum didn’t do it/tell me to do it. I only had one school uniform and it was only replaced once a year so if it was too small/stained then I had to make do. I started getting pocket money from around the age of 12 and had to buy my own school uniform out of that.
Looking back, I think my mum was very overwhelmed, and also not particularly maternal. My dad worked away a lot which was (understandably) tough for her. She used to sleep a lot in the day and make me and my brother be silent while she was trying to nap.
It’s funny as she’s completely different with my children (her grandchildren).

Yeah I’d say for a 90s kid that’s poor to be honest, probably neglectful. Sad to see other posters too who actually had well off parents not spending any money on them

Oh and yes to only one bra, and that was why we asking my mum to take me to buy one, long after it was obviously needed. It also wouldn’t have occurred to her to buy me toiletries like deodorant, until I specifically asked. We didn’t have conditioner so I remember my hair always being really tangled.

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada

Yeah I’d say for a 90s kid that’s poor to be honest, probably neglectful. Sad to see other posters too who actually had well off parents not spending any money on them

I agree.

Can't imagine not buying shampoo as a punishment for using too much.

It's stuff I've always used sparingly, but thats just me.

We generally just had a supermarket value one so as not to worry about such things.

One bra-no way, although daughter didn't have a sports bra when at school.

It does sound as if there was a very tight budget in order to be able to have the house & the holidays.

That does sound like a lot of chores for a primary school kid though.

In my opinion, my siblings and I were asked to do too much. Hoovering, ironing, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, dishes, recycling and some more were our shared responsibilities from the time I was in primary school

I was raised the same way and see no problem with it. Primary aged kids are more than capable of mucking in with housework. DD is 11, and has a disability, but she is still expected to help out with the chores she can manage. She’s been making her own packed lunch since she was 8 or 9. She gets her own breakfast too. She is more than capable and it is important she gains independence where she can. I’m actually surprised how little her friends do around their homes. I expect those parents will be the ones also complaining about how little their teens do in a few years time.

I do have to remind DD to go easy on shampoo /conditioner /shower gel partly because I hate waste but also because she never rinses properly.

I’m not sure what you think the problem actually is, but from the OP, I can’t see much that is out of the ordinary.

That does sound like a lot of chores for a primary school kid though.

All the siblings pitching in, though.

Bras we're ridiculously expensive, weren't they? (sorry OP- I'm talking to those in their 40s now)
I had 2, supposedly one on, one in the wash, but my stuff didn't get done every day, so essentially I wore one for three days then swapped. That included PE/games days.

I think it sounds like you are looking to find something to be critical about. I think you were not 'hard up' or strapped for cash - you were quite well off.
Conditioner was, and often still is a luxury item. Children are very wasteful of shampoo. We used to water it down to avoid excessive use, which is not good for their skin nor the environment.
My own mother would have laughed herself senseless at the idea of special facewash for children, I still use soap and water to perfectly reasonable effect.
What else were you moaning about?
Packed lunches - we did our own from about five, because my mother was working and left home most mornings at about seven. Lots of children don't get lunch.
Sports bra's didn't exist and one bra would be seen as perfectly adequate. Did you ever ask for more?
We had to fill a twin tub washing machine to heat water to fill a bath once a week, with us all using the same water. That didn't make her a bad mother, it made her poor and doing her best.

You sound incredibly unforgiving and judgmental.

As for jobs, if we wanted our bed changing we stripped it ourselves, did the laundry and made it again. It didn't happen very often. We survived.
We learned to cook at a young age and could do a roast meal from about aged nine. We were expected to have the place clean and tidy when she came back from work. That involved going to the garden centre and buying coal to lay the fire, lighting the fridge if it went out (it was gas), and doing the washing.
You did not have it hard and your mother does not sound unkind.

@MintyMabel

That does sound like a lot of chores for a primary school kid though.

All the siblings pitching in, though.

Yes.

And presumably the adults were doing stuff?

So might not have been that much overall?

Hard to know.

My kids have always done stuff like look after their own rooms, put washing in wash box, but not done other chores regularly.

I didn’t live in a big house but had lots of material things. I do remember my first bra was just that a bra. I can’t remember when it was washed but it was definitely singular. I remember my delight when my DM bought me a silky petticoat and my first bra, I hadn’t even realised I needed one.

@LemonRoses I think that's an overly harsh response to my post. I know my mother is not unkind, I've stated many times how much I love her. I'm sure your childhood and many others were much harder than mine. I'm simply asking if it's normal because from conversations with my peers, it's not.

Also I know my parents were well off, that's my point! Often basic things weren't bought that could be afforded. I know many children don't get a lunch but it's not a goal surely? I'm not unforgiving at all, but I did want to talk about some aspects of my childhood which don't necessarily sit right with me. I'm glad you don't hold the same issues with yours.