Is it important to have a baby to "complete our family" together?

[gr2405]

I've been with my partner for around 5 years now. I have a DD8 from a previous relationship who lives with us, and he has DS9 and DD6 with his ex-wife who stay one night a week, plus every other weekend. DP has been talking for a couple of years about having a child together to, in his words, "complete our family".

I am not totally against the idea of having another and the romantic idea of having a baby with DP definitely appeals. But at the same time when I think about it in practical terms, there are lots of reasons why we shouldn't. We live in a fairly small 3 bed house, which costs us next to nothing as we rent from a family member. It already feels like a bit of a squash when all three kids are there so we would have to move and increase our outgoings by a significant amount. Neither of us earn a huge amount of money so a new house plus childcare costs would be a struggle financially. Realistically it will probably make more sense for me to stop working for a while - I'm not massively career driven but I do like my current workplace and feel sad at the prospect of leaving. Added to that, I finally feel like we both have a bit of our lives back after the intensity and exhaustion of raising very small children and I am not filled with joy at the prospect of starting all over. Of course these are just the usual sacrifices we all make to have kids, but I just wonder if it is really worth going through it when we already have 3 kids to think about.

But DH is totally convinced that this is the right thing for us, and I can feel myself getting caught up in his enthusiasm, daydreaming about baby names and newborn cuddles. We're late 30s so it is now or never - decision time! Has anyone been in this situation and gone on to have another child? Did you feel like it was an important thing to do together, or alternatively did you regret it and wish you'd stuck with the status quo?

It's a personal decision, but I think you should make a decision. If you are not prepared to have one you should say so rather than just say - maybe, one day.

Thanks @kayakingmum, I totally agree. I need to decide, and do it now - problem is I just don't know what I want. Some days I feel really happy and excited at the prospect of a new baby, other days I just think hell no!!

The 'complete our family' thing would ring alarm bells for me, tbh. Talking about a child in those sorts of idealising terms would make me concerned that your dd would find herself playing very much second fiddle.

It might sound fatalistic but it can be worth thinking what your reaction would be to the prospect of having another baby as a single parent without thinking of the romantic ideal of ‘completing your family’ he keeps pushing. Might help you to think through what it is YOU actually want (obviously in reality you are making this decision as a team but it seems like he’s swaying you quite a lot).

Is he your DP or DH? You said both!

If you don’t 100% know you want another baby then you don’t and shouldn’t. It isn’t something you should just drift into because you can see some positives. You already have three and aren’t in a brilliant position to add a fourth.

Also if you got together 5 years ago and his youngest is 6 that means he split with her mum when she was still in nappies. So you have both experienced time with a very young child in this blended family ideal of his. Seems odd suddenly now he’s so keen for another when they are all school age.

Its your choice but its a hell no from me. I chose not to because it would have been me saddled with the grunt work if the relationship failed. Which it did.

Ten years from now do you think you'll be more sad to not have another or to have one? What do you think the three childe would think of having a baby brother or sister?

No. Absolutely not. You should never have a baby because someone else wants you to. Don't be persuaded in to it.

You are the one taking all the risks- your health, the commitment, the loss of career and income...

Don't do it.

Sorry "more sad to have one" might not be a good way to say it! More like will you be sad you didnt try if you don't.

Sit him down and talk about it properly. None of this romantic 'complete our family' stuff.

How are all four children going to be housed - and don't accept 'we'll manage' for an answer - how is it practically going to work when 6 people share a 3 bed house. What about uni for your kids? Deposits for houses? Even shorter-term stuff like taking all 6 of you on holiday in three years' time...

You say you don't earn much and your housing costs are low, but what if that circumstance changes? Are you both saving for a deposit or do you feel this arrangement is secure enough to count on for the rest of your lives? What about your long-term career goals?

I'm not saying any of this to be mean, I'm more saying that you need to be able to have very pointed and very practical conversations about how you see the rest of your lives going before you bring a fourth child into the world.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4193639-2-kids-already-another-one-by-a-different-dad?msgid=105708132#105708132

There was a thread on exactly this a few days ago with some really good replies, mainly from adults with half siblings.

I wouldn’t, based on the advice in that thread.

No I wouldn't do it if your DD is 8. There's be a big age gap and you'd be going back to nappies and broken nights.

What’s the obsession with having babies all the bloody time. You have children. You have a family

I wouldn't - you have 3 kids between you and only just fit into your current house (I'm assuming the DDs share). Another child, regardless of sex, will need their own bedroom because they'll be too far apart in age to share with a pre-teen.

You don't need a child as physical 'proof' of your relationship, and having one would cause financial hardship.

@MitheringSunday

The 'complete our family' thing would ring alarm bells for me, tbh. Talking about a child in those sorts of idealising terms would make me concerned that your dd would find herself playing very much second fiddle.

Yup.

Also it implies he doesn't feel that you alone, are not enough. Other ppl are not there to complete family units and not should they be made simply to do such. They are whole other lives.

*are enough

No. Its not fair on other kids

It's a really bad reason to have a child.

Babies are lovely but hard work. I wouldn't fancy starting again being tied down with a tiny one, whilst my other child is moving senior school. I'm guessing it'll be you doing the bulk of the childcare?

I personally would not unless you really, really want another child. The cost, the space problem, the environmental impact, the hassle, the utter life restrictions. Why bother?!

You have a complete family.

You sound very sensible op!

Think about the different scenarios. If your relationship didn't work out, where would you and your child live? Are you married?

It's easy for him to say let's have a baby. In reality he's a 'weekend' dad I wonder if he'd feel the same if he had his children full time?

Would you cope as a single parent if it came to it? What if the baby had additional needs?

Would you not be better off looking for a better job? Your dd is just a few years off secondary school age, you could look at further education/training until then.

Personally unless you're married, a decent income and able to afford a bigger house (mortgaged for security) i think you'd be mad to have another.

Thanks @Wondermule for that link. I hadn't seen that thread so I'll have a read.

To answer a few questions - he is my DP not DH, just a typo. We've been really lucky to live so cheaply so have managed to save almost £60k with a view to buying a house. The sort of house we would want would be around £250k which would be manageable now, but if I stopped work or we would have to pay childcare it would be tight.

If I think it through, it isn't that I don't want another baby. I do feel a bit broody and can feel my biological clock ticking away. But I am definitely the practical one of the two of us, and I just worry that we'd be sacrificing too much for it. I'm worried about the other kids - my DD has been begging us to have a baby for ages so I think she would be ok (although I'm sure the reality wouldn't be quite as she imagines!), but his youngest is very much a daddy's girl, misses him a lot when she isn't here and would likely feel quite put out by a younger sibling who gets to be with him all the time. Further down the line, Uni costs are also a concern. Having a fourth just because we want too feels a bit selfish tbh.

As someone pointed out, his youngest wasn't even 1 when we first met so I know what he is like with babies and he is very hands on. He loves kids, does his fair share and isn't lazy so I know it won't be all on me. He is totally up for taking shared parental leave so I wouldn't have to take so much time off work - but once that is up I do think I would end up giving up work as childcare would just swallow my wage.

It sounds like you are going to be expected to make the sacrifices like giving up your job, in order to fulfil his romantic dreams of another baby.
How are the other children going to feel when HE tells them that they are not enough to make a complete family?