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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it important to have a baby to "complete our family" together?

87 replies

gr2405 · 22/03/2021 19:34

I've been with my partner for around 5 years now. I have a DD8 from a previous relationship who lives with us, and he has DS9 and DD6 with his ex-wife who stay one night a week, plus every other weekend. DP has been talking for a couple of years about having a child together to, in his words, "complete our family".

I am not totally against the idea of having another and the romantic idea of having a baby with DP definitely appeals. But at the same time when I think about it in practical terms, there are lots of reasons why we shouldn't. We live in a fairly small 3 bed house, which costs us next to nothing as we rent from a family member. It already feels like a bit of a squash when all three kids are there so we would have to move and increase our outgoings by a significant amount. Neither of us earn a huge amount of money so a new house plus childcare costs would be a struggle financially. Realistically it will probably make more sense for me to stop working for a while - I'm not massively career driven but I do like my current workplace and feel sad at the prospect of leaving. Added to that, I finally feel like we both have a bit of our lives back after the intensity and exhaustion of raising very small children and I am not filled with joy at the prospect of starting all over. Of course these are just the usual sacrifices we all make to have kids, but I just wonder if it is really worth going through it when we already have 3 kids to think about.

But DH is totally convinced that this is the right thing for us, and I can feel myself getting caught up in his enthusiasm, daydreaming about baby names and newborn cuddles. We're late 30s so it is now or never - decision time! Has anyone been in this situation and gone on to have another child? Did you feel like it was an important thing to do together, or alternatively did you regret it and wish you'd stuck with the status quo?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 20:31

I really wouldn't the pre-teen and teen years are emotionally hard work and expensive.

Settle for a cat or dog instead!

Why are you not enough as you are?

I have an 8.5 year gap between my eldest and youngest - it's a large gap.

LolaSmiles · 22/03/2021 20:33

Unless you genuinely want to have another baby then I wouldn't.

Is your DP planning on doing 50% of all the newborn tasks, 50% of all household chores, taking shared parental leave so you can split maternity together, and will he be going onto flexible working so that you can both keep your jobs and financial independence?
I doubt it, which leaves me wondering if he's hoping it 'makes sense' for you to give up work, become financially dependent on him, and the you'll not only do all the baby and house stuff as a SAHP, but also pick up extra with his kids too.

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 20:34

Perhaps he needs to look at having his DC 50:50 or just more than he does at present? I wonder if he wants to have a child of his full time and that's what is driving it?

glassshoes · 22/03/2021 20:44

Sorry, but I agree that as you suggest it would be selfish. Your priority needs to be the children you already have, who would by the sounds of it notably disadvantaged by a new baby.

Original poster

gr2405 · 22/03/2021 20:45

@RandomMess he is the sort of person who would quite happily have 10 kids and love the chaos of it all. He is one of 6 and most of his siblings also have big families, so 4 kids doesn't seem unreasonably large to him. To him it just feels like the next logical step in our relationship

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 20:48

It sounds like he would carry on having more and more without thinking through the practical issues.

We have 4 DC, believe me the primary years were such fun and a doddle compared to later!!! Having a baby would be like a single child as the next youngest would be likely 7? Then will he want a sibling for the baby, where will it end with 6?

Can you afford a 4/5 bed house? Which DC are going to share?

Original poster

gr2405 · 22/03/2021 21:25

He absolutely would @RandomMess. But I am 37 - almost 38 - so I definitely wouldn't be up for another afterwards. The thought of 4 teenagers does bring me out in a bit of a cold sweat tbh. Mulling all this over, and reading the comments on the other thread linked above, I am leaning towards a no. Focus on saving up a bit more, buying a lovely house with plenty of space for all 3 kids and slide gracefully into middle age. Now I just need to convince my ovaries, then I'll break the news to DP!

OP posts:

Frogella · 22/03/2021 21:33

To him it just feels like the next logical step in our relationship

Surely the logical next step in your relationship is to get married?

Otherwise you'll just be this guy's next babymama.

RandomMess · 22/03/2021 21:35

I really think it would be very hard on his DC for him to have more tbh. Hormones are dangerous things, don't give in to them 😂

Skyla2005 · 23/03/2021 06:59

No A baby will put massive pressure on you and he will probably bail like he did when his was one year old. A baby never makes things better. Your relationship should be strong enough as it is Everybody knows a baby pulls you further apart not together

YoniAndGuy · 23/03/2021 07:23

He was so devoted and such a brilliant dad and support and so hands on that he bailed before the youngest was one, and now five years later has the typical ‘minimal’ EOW contact?

You’re going to have to explain that one a bit more!

But try this- next time he brings it up suggest that (as you aren’t married etc) -if another baby comes along it will be even more important for you to retain financial independence (in case his relationship fails again in the baby years) - with another dependant you’re going to have to think about bigger career options so the first thing to do will be for him to look at going part-time. I’d like to hear the answer to that 😁

LavenderLollies · 23/03/2021 07:25

If he really feels the urge to bind you together as a real family you can get married. You’re legally one another’s family then. Without having another child there isn’t the space for! Has he ever discussed marrying you?

cptartapp · 23/03/2021 07:29

Of course he'd love ten kids. He only see the ones he's got now for eight days out of thirty. As both your histories show, the women is left doing the donkey work the vast vast majority of the time if relationships fail, compromising your pension etc etc.
You don't want any more, you're not married, I absolutely would not have any more.

Okbussitout · 23/03/2021 07:49

Urgh there's something gross about these men who want loads of kids. It just feel like they want to be king of the castle type thing. As if having another child will put their mark on things.

category12 · 23/03/2021 07:52

It'd be a nope from me, especially if you'd end up giving up your job. As you're not married, that would make you very vulnerable financially.

Plus going through the baby stage again, navigating sibling relationships, doing all the school stuff all over again, costs, room, broken nights, needing bigger car, car-seats, etc. And if the baby had additional needs or whatever, it could completely throw your lives into a spin.

I think to go ahead you should really actively want another child in your situation, not kinda be persuaded into it.

Gassylady · 23/03/2021 07:55

@gr2405 I would be a no too thought of back to baby stage but I did have my last at 41. Would be interesting though to sit and really work through the practicalities. Shared parental leave great, both drop a day or compress hours to keep you both in work? Proper joint account for childcare expenses? Would he reduce maintenance for his older two or would he keep that the same and the money for your family take the hit.
And I would also be interested in what exactly caused a really hands on involved dad to leave when his youngest was so very young.

Gassylady · 23/03/2021 07:56

Forgot to say bloody well done on the savings 👍 I hope it’s in joint names or split equally between accounts in each of your names.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 23/03/2021 08:00

It sounds like you have a blended family that works well for all members. In my view that is a prize beyond rubies and I would avoid even breathing on it - let alone dropping a grenade (baby) into it.

Tempusfudgeit · 23/03/2021 08:00

Possible resentment from the other children that this child's parents are together?

Brokenchair1 · 23/03/2021 08:02

Another one here who wants to understand why he has minimal contact with his existing kids. If as you say his youngest is a daddy's girl and he's hands on then why not 50-50? Honestly, I would start by looking at having his kids more before making a decision. Imagine if something happened to his ex? You need to consider having all the kids full time.

Personally it sounds like your family is already complete and I would be offended if my DP suggested otherwise. Also get married before you have a kid and buy a house!

I never understood this obsession with having more and more kids in blended families to 'conplete them'.

Usagi12 · 23/03/2021 08:03

Only have a child if you really want one. Tbh from what you've told us I wouldn't in your situation but it's a personal choice.

siyhack58342 · 23/03/2021 08:03

I wouldn't have another baby, quit work and rely on him financially unless we were married.

Also if he's such a committed dad why are his kids not with you more often? Eow and one night in the week is not much.

I think you have the right idea...babies are cute but I don't think you need one together to "complete your family"...that's kind of a weird idea on its own tbh

Sleepingdogs12 · 23/03/2021 08:05

It isn't about having a baby it is about having a 4th child and having all those years again of the hard grind, school, activities, childhood illness etc. Who is to say pregnancy will be ok and there will be no complications with the birth. How will you focus on a baby and the other childrens needs. I would worry it is as likely to create a division as much as bringing thr family together. Is he planning on being the primary carer and doing all of the work. It would be a no from me.

Sunflower1970 · 23/03/2021 08:07

I can’t see why you would want to ! Late thirties, just getting some freedom back. You already have 3?? What’s the point?!

category12 · 23/03/2021 08:23

I'd also like to know how he was very "hands on" if he left when his youngest was still a baby. Easy to be hands on when it's only for short periods.

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