Is it important to have a baby to "complete our family" together?

[gr2405]

I've been with my partner for around 5 years now. I have a DD8 from a previous relationship who lives with us, and he has DS9 and DD6 with his ex-wife who stay one night a week, plus every other weekend. DP has been talking for a couple of years about having a child together to, in his words, "complete our family".

I am not totally against the idea of having another and the romantic idea of having a baby with DP definitely appeals. But at the same time when I think about it in practical terms, there are lots of reasons why we shouldn't. We live in a fairly small 3 bed house, which costs us next to nothing as we rent from a family member. It already feels like a bit of a squash when all three kids are there so we would have to move and increase our outgoings by a significant amount. Neither of us earn a huge amount of money so a new house plus childcare costs would be a struggle financially. Realistically it will probably make more sense for me to stop working for a while - I'm not massively career driven but I do like my current workplace and feel sad at the prospect of leaving. Added to that, I finally feel like we both have a bit of our lives back after the intensity and exhaustion of raising very small children and I am not filled with joy at the prospect of starting all over. Of course these are just the usual sacrifices we all make to have kids, but I just wonder if it is really worth going through it when we already have 3 kids to think about.

But DH is totally convinced that this is the right thing for us, and I can feel myself getting caught up in his enthusiasm, daydreaming about baby names and newborn cuddles. We're late 30s so it is now or never - decision time! Has anyone been in this situation and gone on to have another child? Did you feel like it was an important thing to do together, or alternatively did you regret it and wish you'd stuck with the status quo?

I would end up giving up work as childcare would just swallow my wage

If he wants the kid, suggest that he pays for all the childcare maybe?

Why does your DP not see you as a complete family already?

This, what @tofuschnitzel said.

Why is that?

Don’t want to be mean OP but your partner already has two children and a non working ex wife to support on a low salary. If you have another child and give up work can he really afford to support a second non working partner and a third child?

No. Having a baby isn't the logical next step when you are in your late 30's, in your second marriage (or long term relationship) and already have 3 kids between you who are fast approaching their most demanding and testing years (trust me - I am in the middle of it)!

What's wrong with just being happy with each other and enjoying what you have? Having a baby together doesn't make your relationship any more valid or special.

A lot of you have mentioned the specific wording he uses around completing the family, and the fact that that somehow indicates that he doesn't think I am enough for him. I hadn't really thought of it that way before. I hope that isn't what he means, I don't think it is. I think it is more because of his upbringing in a big family. Whereas my family was the typical mum, dad and 2.4 children, he is one of 6 and always grew up in a house full of brothers, sisters, cousins, friends...I think he always imagined he would recreate that with his own family. Most of the time it is just the three of us in the house and I think that all feels a bit tame for him. I think covid and not being able to have people visiting as we usually would is probably exaggerating that feeling a bit for him. And my DD is desperate for a sibling so she is another bad influence!

And on the childcare costs, it isn't a case of him not paying. Our salaries all go into a joint account, so we would be paying collectively., or if I were to stop working we would also take that financial hit collectively.

And on the childcare costs, it isn't a case of him not paying. Our salaries all go into a joint account, so we would be paying collectively., or if I were to stop working we would also take that financial hit collectively.

It still makes more financial sense in the long run for you to keep working, especially if you're not married.

Let's say you and your partner were both on the same level workwise now:

Situation A: You stay in work
You both put into the family pot, you pay out for childcare - it's tight for a couple of years but you're both building your pension pots, you're both gaining experience and length of service in your positions, you pick up legal protections, maybe entitlement to extra days of annual leave, incremental pay-rises, opportunities to upskill/train and advance even if only through seniority.

Say, 4 years down the line, you're both likely to be on a better wage and with better prospects, a solid working history and a fatter pension pots. You decide you can no longer stand each other and split up. You're in a decent position financially and workwise.

Situation B: you become a SAHP:
You give up work, you save childcare costs, but for however long you're out of the workforce, you're not putting into your pension pot, your skills go out of date etc. 4 years down the line, if you can find a job, it's likely to be the same level or worse than when you left the workforce. And because your partner will be effectively 4 years ahead of you in his work life, he's able to pull in a better wage, so it still "makes sense" for your job always take the backseat so you end up going part-time or being unreliable because you always have to drop work for the kids. So your pension pot stays a lot thinner than his, and your earning power and prospects are miles behind his.

You decide you can no longer stand each other and split up. You're up shit-creek financially and workwise.

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Alternative:
If you marry, you have additional protections and rights which will help if you become a SAHP and then the relationship founders.

Another alternative:
If you both take the responsibility and both continue working, but work flexibly or both work part-time and share childcare between you, then the strain and opportunities are equal for both of you.

It would be a definite no from me. Like others have said it will be you taking all the risks.

Also, I think it would be unfair to your existing DC. They already have a more complicated life than many children. I think adding a baby would cause further disruption and take your attention away from them and that wouldn't be fair.

Thanks for coming back @gr2405 if you have made your mind up I hope he can accept it well. Why not try and have the older kids more - plenty have to go to after school provision even when parents are together! I don’t think that should be a barrier to them joining you more

Alternative:
If you marry, you have additional protections and rights which will help if you become a SAHP and then the relationship founders.

Not really if he's not earning a great wage and already has two children from a previous marriage to support! A marriage certificate does not magically produce money out of thin air, the man would still need to live and contribute towards all three children, would each get very little.

I wish MN would stop perpetuating the myth that getting married means you're financially protected. That might be the case for very high earners (i.e the additional tax rate payers), but for many, the husband will not be earning enough to money to offer much financial support to his children, especially if there are multiple families.

Unless in the husband is wealthy, the best thing is for women is to not to ditch her job, to keep working, keep her skills, her employability, her pension contributions, get payrises and suck the four years (3 after mat leave) of childcare costs.

Just get a puppy. We thought about a baby but 3 kids between us and schedule juggles were more than enough. Throw in years of sleep deprivation and costs and no time together alone will be a killer. I would have loved a second child of my own but 4 children between us is different. I am also late 30s and now have dreams of adult only holidays and adventures without a little human in tow!

You do ultimately need to follow your heart but I can say you are braver than me! We have a dog and we dote on her like the baby we didn't have and to be honest she is brilliant. No drama just love and a lot less expense and no need for an extra bedroom!

I'm in a same sex relationship after having been with a man and had DC, and me and DP have zero desire to have a baby together. I don't know if it's down to our personal circumstancies, our personalities, being lesbian, or what, but we both agree that we are quite content with life as-is.

Having said that, we do enjoy the occasional joke about feeling disappointed that all our efforts haven't resulted in a pregnancy, but I feel like that's probably something that only we would chuckle over!

I agree, Cam.

It's really not a good to follow your heart in many things.

It's a very bad deal for you all financially and especially for you.