Help needed re MIL

[readingbored]

I need some advice on how to deal with my MIL. She lives 5 minutes from us (me, OH and two young daughters). She was widowed 7 years ago. Since she has been heavily reliant on my OH.

I accept that she will sometimes need help and company but it goes too far:
My OH is called by her to go round to fix things or help with things at least once a week. He always stays longer than he says he will be. I suspect she gets him round for company as much as anything else, but she also is capable (intelligent and in good health) but chooses not to do things she finds boring so for example she is capable of shopping online or booking holidays, but can’t sort her utility bills or other more dull things. She has no regard for how busy we are. She has never worked while my OH and I both have stressful professional jobs. And the thing I find most irritating is that my OH always says he doesn’t have time to help me with things. He’s always moaning about being short of time and uses it as an excuse but he’ll drop everything at a drop of a hat to help her. He claims he wants to change job but today says he’s been too busy but went to do jobs at his mums.
We sometimes go round for dinner, or she comes here, particularly for special occasions but as soon as the meal is over she starts listing out to my OH jobs she needs him to do and then I am stuck there with the kids or on my own with nothing to do. On Mother’s Day she came to us. As soon as we sat down for coffee she was going on about hoovers to purchase so my OH spent over an hour selecting one, finding a retailer and buying on for her. I was totally bored and annoyed she had spoiled the afternoon in that way.
My OH invites her out for events eg we were booking tickets for a music festival. He booked standing tickets for me and him but premium tickets for another night for him and his mother. It was annoying as I had suggested the three of us go the second date, but he said I could only come if I organised childcare.
We also go to an annual sports event - my OH is a member and we pay for tickets but she always gets first pick when to go. If we go together she always takes over and we have to sit where she wants eat where she wants etc even though she is our guest.

He takes her to the spa (which is where we go for dates), and often just gets me the same presents he gets her.
She buys him valentines presents.
She always says creepy stuff like my baby boy.
She has always worshipped him.- a whole wall at their house is given over to his sporting achievements, but there is nothing about his poor sister (who is adopted). My OH was the miracle baby after a number of miscarriages.
She is also a snob and very small minded and old fashioned.

I feel she needs to back off but I am also disappointed my OH is so oblivious to me and my needs. I have raised the issues a number of times but he always becomes incredibly defensive and won’t hear me or my point of view. I fell he cares more about her than me.

I don’t want to have to put up with this for another 20 years. I feel this is t the deal I signed up to.

I have wider issues with my OH:
Thinks he and his job are a priority above mine, so I have to deal more with childcare and poorly kids etc
He’s very uptight - wipe the bath while I shower, fusses about the tiniest bit of mess in the kitchen and often makes me feel like I am treading on eggshells. He makes any decision making very difficult - basically wants to be involved in all decisions but always holds a veto over anything and just finds issues and risks and problems not solutions. When I was tring to change job I got a good offer for a job but he drew up a spreadsheet told me everything I alone would have to give up and then started making me feel bad by saying it was giving panic attacks. I can never choose how I want to live my life from small decisions to bigger ones such as where I work, what childcare we use. He’s quite controlling. I believe this is from his mother as she is controlling. Even by doing loads of stuff for his num he is controlling what we do at the weekend- I have to look after the kids and can’t have me time.
I have tried many times to talk to him about all these issues, but he always turns the conversation on me or gets angry or goes silent and walks off. He is incapable of having a grown up discussion.
If I can fix the MIL problem I feel I can then turn to the other issues and work those out and decide what to do from there.

Any suggestions?

There are clearly two issues here, your DH is by far the biggest one and needs to be tackled. I see how his behaviour is undoubtedly linked to his upbringing but at the same time, he's an adult so try not to hold your MIL totally accountable for that. Stepping back a bit, and thinking about my future, if my DH were to die, I would like to think my children would want to see me and be part of my life. Is there a chance your MIL is using the endless list of jobs to ensure there is a constant reason for him to visit? Perhaps she's scared of being alone.

But you do need to assert yourself and try and get through to your DH.

Wait for MIL to die. Might take 20-30 years. Then MIL is sorted.

Or just leave "D"H.

He sulks to punish you.

Forget your MIL.

Take your kids to your parents for Easter Sunday! don't ask, just tell him your parents have asked if they can spend it with you, and you've decided you want to go as his mum had Christmas and fair is fair, tell him he can either come with you or stay with his mum, you're not bothered which! Start standing up to him and take back some control of your life....would you consider leaving him? he doesn't sound very nice and you don't sound very happy

You can't change other people and you certainly will never change the relationship between your MIL and your DH.
What you can change is your reactions and what you are prepared to put up with. Your are in a partnership, he is not your boss. Stop walking on egg shells, asking his permission or opinion on jobs, child care, who you spend your Birthday, Christmas or Easter with. If you want to see your parents then go to see them.

You get the idea from everyone's responses. If you want a solution to the MIL the only thing would be to get DH to agree to tell her he will go on a certain day for a certain amount of time and he will do whats needed for that week in that time. But the issue with this is would he do that? And you say he treats the girls well but they along with you and your parents are going to be watching and looking and will grow up walking on egg shells too

You're asking for advice on MIL.
My suggestion would be to have a discussion with your husband stating "from X date, your mum is no longer welcome to participate in any of our family celebrations and is not permitted in our home more than once a fortnight for up to two hours."
Cruel as that sounds, your parents have not even had this opportunity unless they're being used as the hired help.
If she phones and demands help, say "we helped you X, you will need to speak to your daughter, we're busy until (two hour slot each fortnight).
From the day your parents are able to socialise with you, ensure they are spending as much time with you as your MIL has over the year - visit them, invite them over etc.
Your husband is likely to get very irritated by it but just keep pointing out dates that he's sabotaged your Mother's Day etc until he gets it.

Hi OP
I'm going to suggest something slightly different to the previous pps.

As I can only go by what you've told us in your posts, it seems to me like your mil might have been and still is a narcissistic mother and your DH the result of her upbringing. Not an excuse but a potential explanation. The fact she and him are quite controlling to the degree of being abusive and having to be perfect are some of the red flags.

Now comes my sofa psychology. Brace yourself... .

The reason why this immediately sprang to my mind is because I can see a hell of a lot of parallels between your life and mine. The only difference is that I am your DH and not the other way around. BTW I am the wife in my relationship and child of a narcissistic mother.

I am NC with my mother but my elder brother is still heavily involved with her and sounds just like your DH. I also see certain controlling/abusive behaviours your DH displays in myself, sadly, despite having been NC for years, one's upbringing is very much ingrained. I fully agree that grown up children of narc mothers such as my brother and myself are still adults and responsible for the hurt we cause.

From my own personal experience I truly don't believe your DH will change unless he gets therapy. This is something I have realised only recently with my marriage currently in pieces with a small child. You cannot do anything to change either him or your mil. They are both damaged by their upbringing and its far too complicated and complex a problem for you to do anything quick about to change it in a way that will make you happy.

The realisation that therapy is the only way can only be reached by your DH himself. For me it is the fact that I am on the brink of splitting up with my DH whom I really love (yes it is possible to be a verbally abusive shitty wife at times and still truly love your partner).

I think you have to calmly explain to your DH that you will no longer accept his (and mil's) behaviour and will want to divorce if he continues to act the way he is. Just realise that only because he has agreed to change/seek therapy does NOT mean he will miraculously change overnight. His behavioural pattern has developed over a lifetime and will take a long time to pick apart and change. It's up to you to decide if you want to stay and if your relationship is worth it.

Once your DH has dealt with his own issues, this will automatically take care of the mil issues. It's just not going to be a quick fix I fear.

Just my two cents. Sorry. Good luck .

but he said I could only come if I organised childcare.

HIs behaviour with his mother etc are all just symptoms of a controlling awful man. This sentence above, about half way through your post, was when I realised you had zero chance of turning him into a thoughtful, loving partner so I wasn't shocked with the subsequent comments you made about how he treats you and makes you feel. Sorry OP, but I don't see how this ever gets better as he clearly sees you as simply the person who looks after his children and home.

@readingbored
Our situations are different and similar at the same time.
I recently sent my DH back to live with MIL as I'd just had enough of him behaving like an extra child at home in addition to his sulking, refusal to make decisions, obstructions, non-emotional, non-communicative way of life. I felt like a household appliance rather than a person in the end and always his reliable last resort.
I told his Mum I was struggling as they are very close (FIL is still alive though) and she turned it all back on me. So I got fed up and told him he needed to move back to his beloved mother or I was taking the DCs to live elsewhere.
He seems happy to be back there, she's delighted to have him. I hope they're very happy together.
My home life has improved immensely. I also get 2 evenings and 1 day a week to myself when they have the DCs. It's lovely.
My DH would also buy MIL and I the same gifts; hated it, but my MIL was nowhere near as reliant and yours is. I anticipate that will change a lot if FIL dies first.

You're not getting anything out of this, time to change it into a situation you can benefit from x

@readingbored

I do acknowledge he is also an issue, probably the bigger one - see my last sentence, but this specific thread is asking how I deal with him / MIL specifically relating to MIL issues. I’m asking for advice on that specific issue. For me this is a big issue in our marriage but I am at a loss how to resolve it as he won’t discuss it.

I don't actually see any issue with your mil tbh.

She's 76. I don't blame her not knowing how to tackle changing utility provider. Likewise comparing hoovers!

Well done to your husband providing for her older age needs at the event on the second day!
You like the spa so what's the problem with having the same present as her?
She's a grandparent not childcare provider that you can say owes you anything! Be grateful she does any babysitting! Nor was it her responsibility to homeschool your children!
Get a grip!

Your issue is your husband. End of.

As for Easter. I'd be finding a way around this. I'd be mentioning this directly to your mil!

@overwork
Or better still - head off yourself and leave the kids behind. He might as well as get used to looking after his children - or at least his mother might as well get used to it when he foists them onto her.

The husband and his mother are two of a kind: controlling and full of self importance.
I wonder how you have been able to live with someone who cleans the bath while you shower. That is very extreme, to say the least.

I really don’t want to sound judgmental or rude but your partner sounds like a bit of a dick. Saying you can only come to that event with him and MIL if you sort out childcare. That should be a joint effort and if you can’t find childcare it shouldn’t be up to you to be left home with the kids. My fiancé would say we both go or we don’t go.

he drew up a spreadsheet told me everything I alone would have to give up and then started making me feel bad by saying it was giving panic attacks.

Forget his mother - your DH is a controlling, manipulative shitbag.
He's prepared to engineer you into a panic attack (whether you actually had one or not) just to get veto over what job you are 'allowed' to take?

How would it feel to be making your own decisions, working where you choose & living where you like? Never having to deal with his MiL or their weird dynamic again? Buying yourself the quality of tickets & holidays you want for yourself? Having every weekend off, with no responsibility for DC, so that you can do just that?

I'm not screaming LTB at you.
But I think you could usefully benefit from a few weeks of actively daydreaming about all the benefits ...

I told my DH that my dad was upset and he just shrugged his shoulders.
Nice double standards.
If his MiL were upset, no doubt he'd be round there immediately. With his spreadsheets.

My parents have said they won’t push it though as they know it will cause an argument here.
Your parents, as per nearly every PP here, can see that he is a controlling arsehole who treats you as a second class citizen.

Please go & see your folks for Easter.
With or without DC.
It's ridiculous that you feel you need DH's permission to see your own parents. He doesn't get to decide that for you. He doesn't need to come.

Easter? What am I wittering about?
Sorry OP - as you were - go & see them the very next weekend you feel like it!

Leave

At weekends just go and see your parents, he can see his mother

But leave.

ZOMBIE THREAD

as he won't discuss the issue , I think you'll have to take it up with MIL herself, and just tell her straight

We both work very hard, this limits the time the children and I and DH can be together, and it's not enough. He's overstretched and doesn;t have time to help me with necessary tasks. I never get time off without the children to do anything myself, because he's at your house doing jobs for you. I am feeling really desperate and nned you to help us all by stepping back a bit."