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Original poster

Help needed re MIL

95 replies

readingbored · 21/03/2021 22:50

I need some advice on how to deal with my MIL. She lives 5 minutes from us (me, OH and two young daughters). She was widowed 7 years ago. Since she has been heavily reliant on my OH.

I accept that she will sometimes need help and company but it goes too far:
My OH is called by her to go round to fix things or help with things at least once a week. He always stays longer than he says he will be. I suspect she gets him round for company as much as anything else, but she also is capable (intelligent and in good health) but chooses not to do things she finds boring so for example she is capable of shopping online or booking holidays, but can’t sort her utility bills or other more dull things. She has no regard for how busy we are. She has never worked while my OH and I both have stressful professional jobs. And the thing I find most irritating is that my OH always says he doesn’t have time to help me with things. He’s always moaning about being short of time and uses it as an excuse but he’ll drop everything at a drop of a hat to help her. He claims he wants to change job but today says he’s been too busy but went to do jobs at his mums.
We sometimes go round for dinner, or she comes here, particularly for special occasions but as soon as the meal is over she starts listing out to my OH jobs she needs him to do and then I am stuck there with the kids or on my own with nothing to do. On Mother’s Day she came to us. As soon as we sat down for coffee she was going on about hoovers to purchase so my OH spent over an hour selecting one, finding a retailer and buying on for her. I was totally bored and annoyed she had spoiled the afternoon in that way.
My OH invites her out for events eg we were booking tickets for a music festival. He booked standing tickets for me and him but premium tickets for another night for him and his mother. It was annoying as I had suggested the three of us go the second date, but he said I could only come if I organised childcare.
We also go to an annual sports event - my OH is a member and we pay for tickets but she always gets first pick when to go. If we go together she always takes over and we have to sit where she wants eat where she wants etc even though she is our guest.

He takes her to the spa (which is where we go for dates), and often just gets me the same presents he gets her.
She buys him valentines presents.
She always says creepy stuff like my baby boy.
She has always worshipped him.- a whole wall at their house is given over to his sporting achievements, but there is nothing about his poor sister (who is adopted). My OH was the miracle baby after a number of miscarriages.
She is also a snob and very small minded and old fashioned.

I feel she needs to back off but I am also disappointed my OH is so oblivious to me and my needs. I have raised the issues a number of times but he always becomes incredibly defensive and won’t hear me or my point of view. I fell he cares more about her than me.

I don’t want to have to put up with this for another 20 years. I feel this is t the deal I signed up to.

I have wider issues with my OH:
Thinks he and his job are a priority above mine, so I have to deal more with childcare and poorly kids etc
He’s very uptight - wipe the bath while I shower, fusses about the tiniest bit of mess in the kitchen and often makes me feel like I am treading on eggshells. He makes any decision making very difficult - basically wants to be involved in all decisions but always holds a veto over anything and just finds issues and risks and problems not solutions. When I was tring to change job I got a good offer for a job but he drew up a spreadsheet told me everything I alone would have to give up and then started making me feel bad by saying it was giving panic attacks. I can never choose how I want to live my life from small decisions to bigger ones such as where I work, what childcare we use. He’s quite controlling. I believe this is from his mother as she is controlling. Even by doing loads of stuff for his num he is controlling what we do at the weekend- I have to look after the kids and can’t have me time.
I have tried many times to talk to him about all these issues, but he always turns the conversation on me or gets angry or goes silent and walks off. He is incapable of having a grown up discussion.
If I can fix the MIL problem I feel I can then turn to the other issues and work those out and decide what to do from there.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 21/03/2021 22:53

LTB. Mummy will always come first with himself a close second.

LouiseTrees · 21/03/2021 22:59

I would calmly ask him how he’s going to look after his kids and do work for his mum at the same time every other weekend

SandyY2K · 21/03/2021 23:02

Yeah...the issue is your DH.

He's controlling.
He thinks he's more important than you.
You can't have the final say
He has you on eggshells.
He gets defensive and angry and walks away.

His mum doesn't make him do these things. It's who he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/03/2021 23:07

Your husband is an abusive, dismissive, controlling mummy's boy. Not much you can do about that aside from freeing yourself of him.

parietal · 21/03/2021 23:17

you can't fix the MIL problem without fixing the DH problem. and it sounds like you need to leave him.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 21/03/2021 23:37

Go back and reread your OP and ask yourself what you'd tell a friend or even your child if they came to you with the same issues!!

Then pack a bag and leave and tell him to have a nice life with his mother.

midsummabreak · 22/03/2021 00:01

MIL is not the problem, it’s his choice to put her wishes before yours and the children’s that is the problem. He needs to get real and put you first while still sipping his mum. It can be done, many live that way and wouldn’t want it any other way.

MIL is grieving and needs her daughter and son and family support and I wouldn’t take that away, just balancing it with less times Would he help her start to look online and join local groups? She is what she is, possibly a great mum to him, although over the top, but not a great or supportive MIL
Stop involving him in decisions about changing your job You need to be happy doing the job that you want not what his spreadsheet of ridiculousness and panic attacks suggests.

Stop involving him in childcare decisions , he is not available to care for the children that’s his choice, but you choose the childcare and the job that you want.

If he doesn’t like your career choice bad luck, he doesn’t get to tell you how to live your life.

midsummabreak · 22/03/2021 00:02

*supporting his mum

Thatwentbadly · 22/03/2021 00:10

Your mil is not the reason why your adult husband is controlling. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

TheSmallAssassin · 22/03/2021 00:32

I don't think your MiL can be blamed for the problems in your marriage. It seems pretty normal to me for your husband to see her every week, mine goes over to help his mum weekly now she is widowed. Can he take the kids with him when he visits? I bet she'd love to see them, and you would get some "me time"

As for decision making, why wouldn't he be included? One of you will always be able to veto, isn't that how it works?

I think you do need to sort things out, but it seems to me you both need to make adjustments.

saraclara · 22/03/2021 00:51

MIL is grieving and needs her daughter and son and family support

She's been widowed for 7 years. She's capable, yet she's getting him to do everything for her. When my DH died I got on with things alone. In ten years I've never asked my daughters or their partners to come and do a task for me. They've helped with the odd thing (say, moving furniture that needs two people) when they've been visiting for other reasons, but I'd never call them to come over to do things for me.

If she was considerably older than me (but if OP has young children it's not that likely) or if she had health issues or only recently lost her DH I could cut her some slack. But it seems like she needs a man to do everything for her for no real reason.

But to be honest, this man's other faults sound worse to me than his going over there once a week. Sorting out the MIL problem still leaves OP with someone who I wouldn't stick with.

midsummabreak · 22/03/2021 01:11

I see what you mean @saraclara I was thinking of an older MIL

ineedaholidaynow · 22/03/2021 01:15

How old is she @readingbored?

Original poster
readingbored · 22/03/2021 06:54

She’s 76.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 22/03/2021 06:57

Put up with it or get out.
It will only get worse the older she gets, I know from experience.

Lochmorlich · 22/03/2021 06:59

If I had to pick between your mil or your dh I would pick your mil.
They're both controlling but he's worse.

MajorMujer · 22/03/2021 07:07

I personally couldn't live with a controlling partner. They seldom get less controlling op.

Original poster
readingbored · 22/03/2021 07:08

I think her husband used to do everything for her even though she didn’t work so she now expects my husband to do that instead. My SIL could help with some tasks that can be sorted over the phone (she’s 3 hours away), but MIL only ever asks son so it always falls to him, not shared.

My own parents are upset we haven’t seen them in ages due to lockdown. We can see them at Easter for that and my birthday but my husband was adamant we had to be with his mother actual Easter Day. We have just spent Xmas, mother’s days and all other recent celebrations with my MIL. I told my DH that my dad was upset and he just shrugged his shoulders. My parents have said they won’t push it though as they know it will cause an argument here.

My MIL was in our support bubble but she didnt help at all with homeschooling or childcare. My mum taught my kids every day online.

I had always though since she was widowed she would help more with childcare than she does - she mainly just babysits in an evening when the kids are in bed. I would be more willing to accept us helping her all the time if she gave us more help in return. But my DH says “she does so much for us” which is just none sense compared to what so many other parents do.

It’s particularly the picking and choosing what she wants help with and not trying herself that is annoying. When I was on my own I sorted stuff by myself or paid someone to help. I rarely asked my parents to do stuff for me. She can afford to pay she is just too mean too.

OP posts:
Fyredraca · 22/03/2021 07:12

I don't think him helping his mum is the problem. It's more that he's a controlling ar*ehole.
Tell him what you want to change or you will leave. Mean it.

OverTheRainbow88 · 22/03/2021 07:14

It’s bizarre how well he treats his mum and not you. Usually, treating a mum well is a sign they’ll be a good husband imo

FelicityPike · 22/03/2021 07:16

You absolutely can see your family at Easter. Get up and put yourself & kids get into the car and GO.
This is definitely a DH problem here.

Usagi12 · 22/03/2021 07:18

Sounds to me like you have a DH issue not a MIL issue. She doesn't sound that bad, of course she wants to see her son and once a week isn't excessive. The long list of your issues with DH at the end of your message however is where the problem really lies. You need to ask yourself what you get out of your relationship with this man. Is it worth it?

RoisinD · 22/03/2021 07:26

Almost everyone that has responded has stated that you have a husband problem. Why have you not acknowledged those responses and instead deflected back on to your MIL? Unless you are prepared to acknowledge the real problem, which is your controlling husband, you will never be able to move forward.

overwork · 22/03/2021 07:27

What about packing the kids up and going to see your parents yourselves for Easter? He may as well learn how it feels to only see your kids on alternate holidays...

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2021 07:30

Yes I agree I think it is easier for you to make it your MIL the issue and if you stopped at the end of the sentence this isnt what I signed up to you would.

But you then go on to describe a horrible relationship where you were prevented for taking a job by him saying it gave you panic attacks.

Your starting problem is wrong - you cannot fix the MIL without the others because its his overall behaviour that is causing the MIL issue not her.