I need some advice on how to deal with my MIL. She lives 5 minutes from us (me, OH and two young daughters). She was widowed 7 years ago. Since she has been heavily reliant on my OH.
I accept that she will sometimes need help and company but it goes too far:
My OH is called by her to go round to fix things or help with things at least once a week. He always stays longer than he says he will be. I suspect she gets him round for company as much as anything else, but she also is capable (intelligent and in good health) but chooses not to do things she finds boring so for example she is capable of shopping online or booking holidays, but can’t sort her utility bills or other more dull things. She has no regard for how busy we are. She has never worked while my OH and I both have stressful professional jobs. And the thing I find most irritating is that my OH always says he doesn’t have time to help me with things. He’s always moaning about being short of time and uses it as an excuse but he’ll drop everything at a drop of a hat to help her. He claims he wants to change job but today says he’s been too busy but went to do jobs at his mums.
We sometimes go round for dinner, or she comes here, particularly for special occasions but as soon as the meal is over she starts listing out to my OH jobs she needs him to do and then I am stuck there with the kids or on my own with nothing to do. On Mother’s Day she came to us. As soon as we sat down for coffee she was going on about hoovers to purchase so my OH spent over an hour selecting one, finding a retailer and buying on for her. I was totally bored and annoyed she had spoiled the afternoon in that way.
My OH invites her out for events eg we were booking tickets for a music festival. He booked standing tickets for me and him but premium tickets for another night for him and his mother. It was annoying as I had suggested the three of us go the second date, but he said I could only come if I organised childcare.
We also go to an annual sports event - my OH is a member and we pay for tickets but she always gets first pick when to go. If we go together she always takes over and we have to sit where she wants eat where she wants etc even though she is our guest.
He takes her to the spa (which is where we go for dates), and often just gets me the same presents he gets her.
She buys him valentines presents.
She always says creepy stuff like my baby boy.
She has always worshipped him.- a whole wall at their house is given over to his sporting achievements, but there is nothing about his poor sister (who is adopted). My OH was the miracle baby after a number of miscarriages.
She is also a snob and very small minded and old fashioned.
I feel she needs to back off but I am also disappointed my OH is so oblivious to me and my needs. I have raised the issues a number of times but he always becomes incredibly defensive and won’t hear me or my point of view. I fell he cares more about her than me.
I don’t want to have to put up with this for another 20 years. I feel this is t the deal I signed up to.
I have wider issues with my OH:
Thinks he and his job are a priority above mine, so I have to deal more with childcare and poorly kids etc
He’s very uptight - wipe the bath while I shower, fusses about the tiniest bit of mess in the kitchen and often makes me feel like I am treading on eggshells. He makes any decision making very difficult - basically wants to be involved in all decisions but always holds a veto over anything and just finds issues and risks and problems not solutions. When I was tring to change job I got a good offer for a job but he drew up a spreadsheet told me everything I alone would have to give up and then started making me feel bad by saying it was giving panic attacks. I can never choose how I want to live my life from small decisions to bigger ones such as where I work, what childcare we use. He’s quite controlling. I believe this is from his mother as she is controlling. Even by doing loads of stuff for his num he is controlling what we do at the weekend- I have to look after the kids and can’t have me time.
I have tried many times to talk to him about all these issues, but he always turns the conversation on me or gets angry or goes silent and walks off. He is incapable of having a grown up discussion.
If I can fix the MIL problem I feel I can then turn to the other issues and work those out and decide what to do from there.
Any suggestions?