Help needed re MIL

[readingbored]

I need some advice on how to deal with my MIL. She lives 5 minutes from us (me, OH and two young daughters). She was widowed 7 years ago. Since she has been heavily reliant on my OH.

I accept that she will sometimes need help and company but it goes too far:
My OH is called by her to go round to fix things or help with things at least once a week. He always stays longer than he says he will be. I suspect she gets him round for company as much as anything else, but she also is capable (intelligent and in good health) but chooses not to do things she finds boring so for example she is capable of shopping online or booking holidays, but can’t sort her utility bills or other more dull things. She has no regard for how busy we are. She has never worked while my OH and I both have stressful professional jobs. And the thing I find most irritating is that my OH always says he doesn’t have time to help me with things. He’s always moaning about being short of time and uses it as an excuse but he’ll drop everything at a drop of a hat to help her. He claims he wants to change job but today says he’s been too busy but went to do jobs at his mums.
We sometimes go round for dinner, or she comes here, particularly for special occasions but as soon as the meal is over she starts listing out to my OH jobs she needs him to do and then I am stuck there with the kids or on my own with nothing to do. On Mother’s Day she came to us. As soon as we sat down for coffee she was going on about hoovers to purchase so my OH spent over an hour selecting one, finding a retailer and buying on for her. I was totally bored and annoyed she had spoiled the afternoon in that way.
My OH invites her out for events eg we were booking tickets for a music festival. He booked standing tickets for me and him but premium tickets for another night for him and his mother. It was annoying as I had suggested the three of us go the second date, but he said I could only come if I organised childcare.
We also go to an annual sports event - my OH is a member and we pay for tickets but she always gets first pick when to go. If we go together she always takes over and we have to sit where she wants eat where she wants etc even though she is our guest.

He takes her to the spa (which is where we go for dates), and often just gets me the same presents he gets her.
She buys him valentines presents.
She always says creepy stuff like my baby boy.
She has always worshipped him.- a whole wall at their house is given over to his sporting achievements, but there is nothing about his poor sister (who is adopted). My OH was the miracle baby after a number of miscarriages.
She is also a snob and very small minded and old fashioned.

I feel she needs to back off but I am also disappointed my OH is so oblivious to me and my needs. I have raised the issues a number of times but he always becomes incredibly defensive and won’t hear me or my point of view. I fell he cares more about her than me.

I don’t want to have to put up with this for another 20 years. I feel this is t the deal I signed up to.

I have wider issues with my OH:
Thinks he and his job are a priority above mine, so I have to deal more with childcare and poorly kids etc
He’s very uptight - wipe the bath while I shower, fusses about the tiniest bit of mess in the kitchen and often makes me feel like I am treading on eggshells. He makes any decision making very difficult - basically wants to be involved in all decisions but always holds a veto over anything and just finds issues and risks and problems not solutions. When I was tring to change job I got a good offer for a job but he drew up a spreadsheet told me everything I alone would have to give up and then started making me feel bad by saying it was giving panic attacks. I can never choose how I want to live my life from small decisions to bigger ones such as where I work, what childcare we use. He’s quite controlling. I believe this is from his mother as she is controlling. Even by doing loads of stuff for his num he is controlling what we do at the weekend- I have to look after the kids and can’t have me time.
I have tried many times to talk to him about all these issues, but he always turns the conversation on me or gets angry or goes silent and walks off. He is incapable of having a grown up discussion.
If I can fix the MIL problem I feel I can then turn to the other issues and work those out and decide what to do from there.

Any suggestions?

@Glowbuggy

I feel for you. You are in an abusive relationship.

This too!

Stop being quiet. Don't walk on eggshells, it confirms he is right and he will get worse
If he sulks tell him to grow up then ignore him and get on with your day
Start realising you are just as important. You can't do anything about MIL but you can speak more bluntly to her if you feel she is overstepping
Start mentally moving away from him and look after yourself. If you are making decisions about you tell him to keep out
Go to your parents for Easter. Don't follow him round like a lap dog

The way you sort out the MiL issue is to get rid of the lousy DH that is the root of these issues. MiL asks her son to do A, B or C and he does but he doesn't have to do them there and then. He could simply say "Ok Mum, I'll be around to you on Tuesday and we'll sort them out at that time. See you then" but he doesn't. He drops everything you two are doing as your family and runs back to mummy.
You need to decide whether you think having a chat with your DH will actually fix anything or whether that chat needs to be had with a solicitor and you start divorce proceedings against him for unreasonable behaviour and se if that 'fixes' the issues with MiL as you'll be cutting threads with both of them and she will no longer be on your radar as a result.

To clarify I know there’s also a huge problem with my DH in other areas - See my last sentence, but for this thread I am specifically asking for advice on how to improve the MIL situation- how I can get my DH or my MIL or both to change or at least listen. I gave the background info on my DH so any advice on the MIL issue is given in context. This is a key issue in my marriage and I would like to sort it. Thanks

I get what you're saying here but I don't think you're quite recognising that your DH is the root cause of the MIL issue, so in order to address your MIL issue, you need to address the issue with your DH first and foremost. Have you ever suggested counselling to him? Do you think it could be something he would be open to? It may give you an opportunity to air and discuss your feelings in an environment that is conducive to coming up with solutions to them.

To be honest it sounds a pretty miserable and controlling relationship and I rarely jump to LTB but I do think that you either need to find a way to address this with DH or else leave. Think of your daughters, do you want them to grow up thinking that this is the way a relationship would be? Because that's what's being modelled for them.

"He is loving to the children".

But not towards you so that makes him no better. He is sending his kids mixed messages by being loving towards them and showing you as their mother such disdain at the same time. They are learning also that its his way or no way in this house; you as their mother have no say.

And you're not completely able to spend money as you choose either; he has always got to have some sort of say in this. You go onto give two damning examples re the food shopping and items for the house. What you are describing here is controlling behaviour and that is abusive behaviour. Abuse is all about power and control and that is what he wants here over ALL of you.

His sulking behaviour towards you is an example of emotional abuse. He does not need physical force (as yet) to further hurt you but if he was to decide that his current levels of control against you are not working he could well use physicality. You are with a dangerous individual here and abuse like this can and does take time, years even, to recover from. Your own recovery from this abuse has not even started yet.

If you were to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft you would find your H in those pages. Consider also what you are teaching your children about relationships here because this controlling model is certainly not one they should be learning from.

how I can get my DH or my MIL or both to change or at least listen

Having lived with a man who had me on eggshells, sulking and picking at me for hours and hours, days, months and years

I was married for a man child like this. I left and my god I'm happier. His mother phoned us on honeymoon and harassed us over her sister being in hospital and made out she was dying (little spoiler she wasnt dying)

Sorry, 2 phones pressed send on wrong one!

I KNOW, having begged and begged for him to just not be mean - I wasn’t asking even for him to go so far as being ‘nice’ - they don’t. They won’t.

Look at it this way.

You can see he’s nice to his mother.

You can see he’s nice to the kids.

His friends, colleagues, everyfuckingone, right?

Right.

But he treats YOU like this.

Basically it’s because I’m he wants to.

And because he can.

If I were you, I’d look at a book called ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft

He will explain the situation to you far better than we can, but he’s right.

You won’t ever fix MIL. Because it suits her to the the way she is.

You won’t fix DH, because who he is with you, is who he really is.

Please don’t stay with him. You wouldn’t want your kids growing up thinking your relationship is what they need to replicate would you?

Another one here who recommends just taking the kids to your parents at Easter. If you don’t have your own transport ask your parents to fetch you. You have to do this - you have to make a start at putting your foot down. We all know that letting kids do what they want is a recipe for disaster. The same applies here. You’re letting him do what he wants with no consequences. Start giving him consequences. You can’t change his behaviour initially. You need to change your behaviour which will show him consequences. That’s not guaranteed to make him change but it will redraw the power lines in your house. He is walking all over you. Stop letting him. Your response needs to be calm and clear not upset and emotional or angry so think through what you’re going to say and get your parents on board and then explain calmly that he is certainly free to see his mum on Easter Sunday but you will be at your parents with the kids. It isn’t fair for it to be any other way as your parents have missed out on the other days and there is no discussion. I have had to deal with something similar although not on the same scale and this worked for me. Be Calm and clear and determined.

I would say, LTB. Your DH's primary relationship is with his mother. You have basically been relegated to being the OW, whether you realised it or not. Leave them to it.

I think you're hoping that if you could somehow just get your mother in law to respect boundaries and back off, your husband would automatically become fairer, easier and more accessible or involved in your marriage and share in your home life on an equal footing.

But the problem is more than his mum....its him. If nothing changed - if he ran off to her place all the time but when he came back, he was loving, involved, treated you with respect and affection and made the time you had together awesome and fun, if he made you feel respected, valued and seen as a partner, you would not resent the time away half as much....but the fact is he doesnt. He leaves you to pick up the hard yards of the relationship and parenthood, and then nitpicks and judges you for what you do and how you do it. You can speak to him and say youre not happy and things have to change, and if he's a good person he will try to see where youre coming from and meet you halfway. But int he end, all you can do - all you have control over - is yourself. So you have to decide what you want, what youre prepared to do do get it, and then do it. How he reacts is then up to him. Im sure his mother is not a good influence, she sounds demanding and selfish, and probably encourages him in all the worst parts of his character, but he is also an adult who makes choices every day about what to prioritise and who to value and invest his love, time and attention in.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to spend time with and help out his elderly mother, that’s a good thing.

Its very convenient to blame another woman but MIL isn’t your issue, its the way that he treats you and the children that is the problem here. Talk to your husband, set out exactly what you want to see different in your relationship, and if things don’t change and you’re really unhappy then you need to decide whether to stay and put up with it, or leave and start your own life.

Your DH is helping his mum, taking her with you to events etc because he wants to. He’s not doing out of a sense of obligation or guilt, it’s what he wants to do. He doesn’t want to see your parents, he wants to see his mum.

And she is asking for her with things she could do herself, because she wants him to do them. She doesn’t want to spend time with your DC, so she doesn’t.

They are both selfish, and you can’t get selfish people to change their behaviour. They will see no benefit to themselves, only to you, and being selfish, that’s not a good reason to change.

You're in an abusive relationship and you're focusing on completely the wrong thing .
Please use the resources mentioned to get some clarity on this.

@FilledSoda

You're in an abusive relationship and you're focusing on completely the wrong thing . Please use the resources mentioned to get some clarity on this.

This. Your Mil is the least of your worries.

Attilla (who I admire and respect) usually asks what did you learn about relationships growing up? And your Dh is absolutely displaying what he learnt. The man takes charge of it all and the little woman takes a back seat. This is why he does this

Joint items for house he always wants to be involved in however small. Food shopping he usually reviews what I have done and makes petty adjustments

You are a grown woman, why the hell is he looking over what you have bought food wise?

Your Dh has become a substitute husband for his Mother, he has taken on that role and she is more of a priority than you. You now need to show him that your children are your priority and take them to your parents over Easter. Stop asking his permission or waiting for him to grant it. Take back some control, stand up to him.

Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? is online as a pdf so you don't even have to buy it. I think it will be eye opening for you. Stonewalling or silent treatment is abuse.

What would happen if you accepted a new job without 'discussing' (or asking?) DH,? Or made a decision about childcare...? He sounds bad news to me. Reading about him was far far worse than reading about your MIL. She sounds painful alright but HE sounds worse. Start doing things your way. Tell him you & kids ARE gping to your parents for Easter & MIL can have him all to herself. If you want a new job, go & find one & tell him you are changing... take control over your life. He'll either reassess or he'll get worse....but he is the problem here. Your poor parents, keeping silent so as not to cause problems....they must be worried about you. Speak to them honestly about your family life & ask for their advice & support. You might finds MNs are not the only ones suggesting it is time to rethink your marriage.

YourMIL is not your Real problem....but I guess you know that already.....go to your parents for Easter....he can spend Easter with his Mum

If I can fix the MIL problem I feel I can then turn to the other issues and work those out and decide what to do from there

No, you’ve got it all back to front. MIL isn’t the problem here-I think you must know that really.

There are things you can do. But it means your have to be stronger and more forceful.

It really depends if you want to or can be bothered.

If he’s typing the kitchen round you - walk away -
If he’s booked nice seats for him and his mother - say you arnt going - just be curt ‘sorry I won’t be treated as second best’

For Easter say ‘I won’t be spending it with MIL I’ve arranged to see my parents’ - no discussion needed.

Don’t enter into any arguments because you’ll lose

Stick with ‘I feel ... I should see my parents’
I feel annoyed when you tidy round me’
I feel angry when you treat me poorly

Do not bring MIL into it - talk about you and your feelings - he can’t argue with that

Where’s the tiger mum?

Your dh is the problem, not your mil.

I agree with everyone else, your problem here is your DH.

He openly criticises you, treats you like a child (checking your food shopping lists), scolds you for accidentally breaking items, sulks and is generous and puts his mother on a pedestal.

He treats you with nothing short of contempt. You are there to facilitate his life and to be intimate with (it wouldn’t surprise me that you agree to it, even when you don’t want too).

Your parents are even walking on egg shells.

Please read that Lundy Bancroft book and talk to someone in real life.

DO NOT go to counselling with him. He is abusive and he’ll use the sessions as a stick to beat you with.

You need to leave the bastard, not just for your sake but that of your children.

Ok OP, how do you solve the issue with your MIL.
I’m going to be brutal.
You can’t.
They’re very close and he’s choosing her over you. He likes spending time helping and looking after her. She’s 76 and a widow.
He sounds like a horrible husband to you but a kind son.
You can’t change that.

Your MiL isn't a separate problem that you can tackle separately from tackling your husband's attitude problem though, as your husband's attitude is your MiL problem. He is perfectly happy to disregard your feelings, and doesn't wang to spend time with you and DC, or visit your family and be a loving son-in-law. That's the heart of your "mil" problem. If he wanted to spend more time with you and less at her beck and call, he either simply would ( by telling her he was too busy, delaying stuff etc), or, if she made his life hell over it and blackmailed him into attending, he moan to you anout how annoying she was and apologize at having to serve her demands again.

None of this is happening because despite him knowing fine well you don't like it, he resllh doesn't want to hear youe views, shuts you down, snd carries on.

This is not a marriage. You are not a partnership, not a team. You are in a power struggle and he is happy to fight dirty, so you lose every skirmish, and will continue to do so if you prioritise 'keeping the peace'. He is perfectly happy to exploit your refusal, so far, to fight your corner seriously. I doubt if anything will change his attitude, as your unhappiness is not a motivating force for him. He just bans it from his hearing. Job done.

OP, what would happen if you went to your parents at Easter without him? What would happen if you did the food shop without showing him? If you bought something for the house without asking first? If it’s sulking, then what happens if you ignore the sulking and get on with your life? Do you pander to the sulking asking what’s wrong etc?
What about if you get upset and sulk about something? Does he ask you about it or just get on with other stuff?